Absent father now wants parental rights

[AnxiousSandwich]

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

It is really unlikely that the cms amount will be lower than what he has offered, and you already know that he’s an accomplished liar. You’re doing the right thing keeping the cms claim open.

For comparison my ex and I have 2 kids together and he has no others. He earns 28k and pays just under £400 a month cms amount.

Id reply to the text saying “given how difficult things are between us, I think it is better for dd that we do this officially, even if the amount ends up lower. Then we both know where we stand. If you change your mind about building a relationship with her I am open to doing mediation.”

Then let cms do their thing, and don’t engage in any conversation about contact except to say that you’re happy to engage in mediation.

Im pretty sure that the whole thing was about money, that he hasn’t told his wife a full true picture, and that there’s no way he will fight for significant contact. If he already has kids he would know that the actual cost of looking after a preschool child inc nursery etc is far higher than any cms payment will be - so it’s just a threat to try and make you drop it.

Good luck.

You had sex.

Sex risks pregnancy.

If you want the father to pay and be financially involved it's really not fair to expect no emotional involvement.

He's clearly been a cheating dick up until now but if he has a child he wants to see as well as pay for it's really not fair for your DC to grow up not knowing their father.

There's no reason to think that a judge will award him 100% RP status. They do encourage 50/50 where possible and practical though. If this is to avoid CMS payments it's a risk you have to take of your have decided to pursue CMS payments.

I doubt he wants 50/50 for life or that his wife will stick to that either though so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Sex risks pregnancy. For HIM too. He was the one stupid enough to have an affair for years, completely concealing the fact he was married. So he will have to pay some costs for the product of his bit of fun. It’s sad for the child that dad isn’t interested but probably less painful for the OP that way. Continue with the CMS claim.

Have you been continuing to sleep with someone who explicitly says that about the child you share together? Or did the relationship stop a while ago?

I'm not really sure what this has to do with anything...

Can he request to reregister the birth at any point? Is there a time limit on that?

A df can be added at any time on a bc ...

That's a very low amount. I know someone who has to pay 480 a month for one child. They're earning 48k.

Thanks. I wouldn't stop him, I just want to be prepared if he changes his mind again.

He can ask you can say no he can then take it through court (costs money) you can keep your name on there you don't need to use his

I have two aquaintances who have found themselves in similar situations. One the father had convinced the partner that the mother was a total nightmare so she was pushing for custody for what the partner belived was the good of the child.

The other the couple had been unable to have their own kids and wanted to play happy families with the baby.

Personally I would disappear.

If you and him would like him on the birth certificate, you can both arrange that very easily with a form and a re reg appointment. Your word would be taken as the absolute truth at the appointment and you'd both then sign the new document. Him first, and then you afterwards confirming that he is the father. You obtain the right form, fill it in and make the appointment. You take your current birth certificates to the appointment to be destroyed and then buy new ones.

If he goes through the court, it's a different process as it goes to the General Register Office rather than locally approved, but if he is proved to be the father, he will almost certainly be able to be on the BC.

There's no time limit.