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Original poster

Absent father now wants parental rights

187 replies

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:15

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
Ghostjail · 21/09/2023 09:18

@AnxiousSandwich I get that you are worried about the impact this will have on your child but I promise you that she has all she needs in you. Children in situations like this thrive when their mum is emotionally well and healthy.

She doesn't need to know the ins and outs of how she came to be or what he said about her because none of what has happened so far really has anything to do with her. It's never been about her. She is so young that she hasn't a clue just now and as she gets older you continue to provide her with a loving, warm and caring home that provides her with the support she needs as any of life's knocks come her way- including an absent dad if that ends up being the case.

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 21/09/2023 09:26

@blacksax That's not how the law works unfortunately! You can underline words as much as you like but legally he has to pay CMS! That's the law of the land. Sorry!

disappearingfish · 21/09/2023 09:27

I don't judge your choices but it was always going to be a massive risk having a baby with a man who patently didn't want it. Even arseholes can gain access to their children and you will have very little control over what happens with your baby when she is in his care.

His threats might be to put you off claiming maintenance. Or he might follow through.

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 21/09/2023 09:31

@Freezingcoldinseptember Yes because he obviously didn't contest paternity.
If a mother makes a claim to the CMS and the alleged father denies paternity in that case, the CMS will provide (& require) a DNA test be done to determine if he is the father or not. (They'll charge him for it and if it turns out he isn't the father then they refund him)

However.... If the alleged father doesn't deny the child is his (or is named on the birth certificate), then the CMS move on to discussing/arranging payments etc.

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 21/09/2023 09:33

Farahilda · 21/09/2023 07:50

This thread is in Legal Matters, and there is a lot of wrong information posted here.

To try to pick through it, and stick to the law (not the morals), and assuming OP is in England

a) you say the baby is his, and the test being arranged by CMS will therefore prove that.

BTW, you don't need parental responsibility to be required to pay CMS, so it settle at this point, except XP has said he also wants access.

b) XP, with proof of paternity, applies for PR. This is overwhelmingly likely to be granted

XP thus acquires equal footing with the OP about important decisions regarding the child (health, education, religion, certain types of travel abroad, and where the DC lives - ie OP would not be able to move house with DC away from their father without his consent)

c) negotiations about access moving towards shared residency begin - best sorted out by negotiation if at all possible. As the DC is still an infant (few month old?) then the reasonable pattern would be little and often (maybe a couple of hours daily) building to whole days, building to overnights.

d) OP has the responsibility to facilitate the child's right to a relationship with their father.

This!

Sebock · 21/09/2023 11:16

@Daffodilwoman And what if the baby is older when this happens and has a bond with her siblings? What if the wife decides not to further facilitate contact? There is so much risk to the child of being hurt by a man who didn't want her and sees her and likely all women as objects. The OP shouldn't entrust her precious child to someone who doesn't love her and won't protect her.

vivainsomnia · 21/09/2023 14:18

I just don't want him to only be doing it to make my life difficult. If he wanted to get to know her and bond with her then I would be happy for him to have access
That's all good then. You decided against his will to have his baby. He now, against your will wants to be implicated in her life, bonding it not. That's his legal entitlement.

Ultimately, he is right to do this via the courts as this way, things are set and clear and there isn't as much room for debates and disagreements.

What is he likely entitled to? To have access via a neutral person or place. Fir a few hours, him only. Only if he commits to this for a number of months, on time each schedule visits, might it move to him being able to take her on his own. At this time, he would be free to introduce your baby to his wife and other children. There would be nothing you could do to stop it.

However you are far from this situation. Committing to regular visits for a few hours at most where he would have little freedom to do what he wants is demanding especially for many months before it would be deemed in the child's best interest to be alone with him.

Either he will indeed start bonding with her and want her to be part of his life, in which case, that's likely the best outcome for your child, if not for you, or if his intention is just to take 'revenge', it is unlikely he will be willing to stick to the schedule, especially if he doesn't bond and just find it all boring and tedious, so would most likely give it up after a few goes and you'll be free of him again but still get maintenance.

Do nothing. It's all up to him to prove himself. If he does, remember every child deserves two parents.

vivainsomnia · 21/09/2023 14:21

There is so much risk to the child of being hurt by a man who didn't want her and sees her and likely all women as objects
Your 'what ifs' are all negatives and based on assumptions. What if he turns out to bond with her and cares for her as his other children. What if his wife is a good woman and understands it's not the fault of the child that she is appearing in their life?

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 21/09/2023 16:53

I would love for her to have a relationship with his side of the family, and when she's older I'm well aware that I'll have no say on what he does when, and if, she's in his care. It's the immediate future I'm worried about. He has had no relationship with her so far so I would want him to build that bond before having her on his own with his wife. I have nothing against her, I just don't know her or her intentions.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 21/09/2023 16:57

The Courts would never hand her to him on his own before she gets to know him well in a safe environment. You don't gave to worry about this.

monsteramunch · 21/09/2023 18:58

@sitcks

He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test

This and much of the other things you say are absolutely false.

You're either lying about your job on here or you shouldn't be doing that job as you are giving out completely inaccurate advice.

I can't believe a social worker or similar would claim that PR is required for CMS to be paid. That is not true.

A quick google would have told you otherwise, as would any solicitor:

"The law treats Parental Responsibility and child maintenance as being completely separate. An unmarried father who does not have Parental Responsibility still has a duty towards his child to provide child support maintenance."

Why come on a thread and lie about your job, or give out completely false advice, to a poster who is clearly in a very stressful and vulnerable position? Bizarre.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 21/09/2023 22:24

It seems as though it was all talk and unnecessary threats. 24 hours later and he doesn't want contact or the dna test. I just don't understand the mind games. Thank you to everyone for all the advice. He's asked that we just have a private arrangement of a contribution each week. I really don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 21/09/2023 22:31

So it's about money? If it is, depends on your position obviously but make sure you're not getting ripped off. For all you know, they could earn a lot and he's trying to bypass CM and offer you less.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 21/09/2023 23:00

Catsafterme · 21/09/2023 22:31

So it's about money? If it is, depends on your position obviously but make sure you're not getting ripped off. For all you know, they could earn a lot and he's trying to bypass CM and offer you less.

He's offering £30p/w I have no idea on whether that's reasonable. I just don't know if he'd even be honest about income.

OP posts:
Ghostjail · 21/09/2023 23:33

Do you have any idea how much he earns. There is a calculator on the CMS website that you can use to calculate how much he should contribute.

Catsafterme · 21/09/2023 23:38

Well the only thing I can think of is this was all about finances and now rather than do the DNA test and go CMS route and be tied into that he's offering you it directly. So, on one hand it may be brush it under the rug money, so to speak and they want no involvement, but on the other, they could earn a lot more than that and that's why they are doing it.

As in they hope you take the £30pw because they know you'd be entitled to more if it went through CMS. Which you would I guess only find out if you go through those channels.

AutumnColours9 · 22/09/2023 01:03

That's a very low offer. 😕

Somanycats · 22/09/2023 01:14

heartofglass23 · 20/09/2023 21:52

This is why I never pursued CMS.

It's much easier being a 100% solo parent than having a deadbeat, emotionally abusive Disney dad.

He could control everything about your life for the next 18 years. Where you live. Holidays. Health care. Who dd goes to if you die. What school/nursery she goes to. Religion.

I'd move and not share my new address.

Yup. You can get the money (sometimes!) But if it's reluctantly given you also get the interfering arse of a co-parent who gets to control your life for 18 years.

NumberTheory · 22/09/2023 02:17

AnxiousSandwich · 21/09/2023 23:00

He's offering £30p/w I have no idea on whether that's reasonable. I just don't know if he'd even be honest about income.

Show quote history

I would continue with the CMS claim. A private arrangement when he's running hot and cold, has lied to you for your entire relationship in order to get what he wants from you, and is not at all focused on the best interests of your baby is not something to rely on. I also think it's vanishingly unlikely his offer is as much as CMS would calculate.

NumberTheory · 22/09/2023 02:28

To get a £30p/w calculation on the government National Living Wage calculator, assuming he has no other kids and isn't on benefits, he'd have to be earning less than £13,500 a year. Which is a 3 day week at the National Living Wage.

Do you think he's likely that low an earner?

CombatBarbie · 22/09/2023 02:35

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:21

Hi,

I am a trained social worker and deal with custody situations all the time.
Firstly, there is no such thing as parental rights. It's just something people say or think is real.
The only real thing in law is parental responsibility.
For that of course he would have to be on the birth certificate.
Currently he has no parental responsibility because you weren't married at the time of birth and I'm assuming he wasn't present at the birth,

He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test.

However, once this is processed, he does NOT get rights to custody or access to the child, that's not something to worry about.

Are you a newbie SW!?? He will not have PR just because a CMS dna test says he's the bio dad. PR comes from the birth certificate, which he's not on, or getting it via the court. You do not need PR to claim maintenance.

CombatBarbie · 22/09/2023 02:42

AnxiousSandwich · 21/09/2023 22:24

It seems as though it was all talk and unnecessary threats. 24 hours later and he doesn't want contact or the dna test. I just don't understand the mind games. Thank you to everyone for all the advice. He's asked that we just have a private arrangement of a contribution each week. I really don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore.

Nope nope nope, unless he's a ridiculously low earner £30/week is a piss take. Do not do private arrangement, hell just chop and change his mind, pay, not pay....

Use the CMS, they don't fuck about these days. Just say you've tried private arrangement but he's unrealistic. It will then be direct pay.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 22/09/2023 04:56

I don't know his actual income. An educated guess would be anywhere between £35k - £45k.

I didn't think the csa took his wife's earnings into account?

They do have their own 3 children so I know that changes it.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 22/09/2023 05:06

I didn't think the csa took his wife's earnings into account?

They don’t. And yes, his contribution is reduced if he has other dependents.

I’d still go via the CMS, it’s cleaner for everyone. You don’t want to have to be in constant discussions with him over payment amounts

Daffodilwoman · 22/09/2023 06:14

You cannot believe a word he says. He is an adulterer and liar.
What he is offering sounds very low. He probably wants to keep it all hush hush and avoid letters arriving from the CMS.
For all you know he had not fessed up to his wife and wants to keep his shagging around secret.
Do whatever is best for you op.
Men like this rarely want involvement with children conceived in this way. Sadly that is the truth.