Absent father now wants parental rights

[AnxiousSandwich]

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

Jesus Christ! The supposed social worker on this thread would surely know that "custody" is not a term that is even used in UK courts anymore. Instead they use "child residence arrangements" because this focusses on the needs of the child and does not centre the wants of the parents.

Op. Yes. Ultimately if a paternity test shows that he is the father of the child then he can apply to the courts for a contact arrangement. You would be what is commonly referred to as the resident parent. When a child is very young courts are not inclined to include overnights in this arrangement, particularly when the child is being breastfed. They also want to protect and encourage the baby's attachment to their primary caregiver (you). If he is given access, then it is likely to be for shorter periods of time, but more frequently. As a child gets older, he can apply to the courts for a change in the contact arrangement to include more time and overnights.

However, courts can be very unpredictable and the legal process is extremely stressful, expensive and drawn out. It is also incredibly adversarial.

I can completely understand why you feel the way you do about this man. However, I know many men who started off their child's life saying they didn't want to know, but have since developed normal child/parent relationships with them. If I were you, I would keep the claim in CMS, allow the paternity test to take place and when the child is born offer him what you regard as reasonable contact.

At that age they won't give him much access anyway but maybe more as gets older.

This point in time he's seeking whether he is the father or not probably for CM. However, as pointed out if they get shared custody they don't have to pay as much so it could also be that.

Unfortunately a significant amount of what @sitcks is saying is incorrect.

For example, as you can see here,

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

helpwithchildarrangements.service.justice.gov.uk/parental-responsibility

The law considers child Maintenance and PR separately. The CMS can make a charge on a father who has no PR, that's not a problem at all. A DNA that proves he is the father if he denies it is enough to make an order; that on its own wouldn't get him PR though.

There is no reason based on what you have laid out here that he wouldn't, if he does indeed pursue PR, that he wouldn't get some contact, built up over time.

Custody is also no longer a term much used in family court, it is now "lives with". A child arrangements order would lay out who has, normally, has primary residency, and the contact pattern for the non resident parent.

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

Change your name and run away before this man and his wife ruin your lives. This will not end well. He doesn’t want the child. He wants the power to punish you because his wife found out.

Are you living in another country? Fathers almost always get some kind of contact granted, whatever the mother's wishes and whatever has gone on in the relationship - including proven abuse. The courts take very little notice of mother's concerns IME and in the experience of hundreds of women whose stories appear on MN each year.

Might it not be the case that now his wife knows, she quite sensibly wants some kind of relationship for her children with their half sibling and for her DH to take some responsibility for the child he created?

He probably does know this. His wife would probably insist because she obviously doesn't know and the child maintenance and the issue there is another child will directly impact her family and family finances.

Scrap the paternity test, scrap getting maintenance and block this guy. The energy you will waste on him and his drama you could divert to earning more money and making up the shortfall in maintenance yourself.

You are talking nonsense.

I am a solicitor.

I'm actually retraining at the moment so I have more earning potential but I have 2 other children to think of too. Luckily, their dad is absolutely amazing.

And HE lied about having a wife . And he lied when having sex with her that she was he’s partner. He lied when she did get pregnant thst he was “still very much married”, he lied when saying he wanted nothing to do with baby ….he lied again and agian to have sex with a women he did not want to committ to and deceived her into believing he loved her
vn knowing that he couldn’t be arsed to use a condom to ensure he didn’t fuck up the Op, and his wife’s life even more,
yep, of course this is all on Op….🤦‍♀️

Who the hell wants to take on their husband's love child when they already have 3 kids?!

Usual hing about young babies and cutesy for estranged partners - are you breastfeeding ? If so his access requests will b very limited all the time you’re continuing that. He can’t swan off with a baby who’s BF for more than an hour or two at most
by the time he could build up to extended hours and overnights the novelty will probably have worn off and wife backed off - I think it’s likely just to be all posturing fr control and threats.

Op you are clearly anxious and feeling vulnerable but please don't listen to posters telling you to run away. That is absurd.

The worst that can happen is he gets some contact. He already has children and has posed no danger to them. He might be a shitty partner and husband but a good enough dad.

The best that can happen is you call his bluff. "Yes of course we will do a paternity test. A court order you say, yes what a great idea. Why don't I contact the mediation service just now and we can get that out of the way". You'll soon find out how committed he is to the process. Once he speaks to a solicitor they will give him a realistic expectation and he might see your proposal for contact in a different light.

Whatever happens you are going to be ok. You are already a mother to two kids so you must have already dealt with some tough times and you're still here to tell the tale. You can do this.

Yes I am breastfeeding. She won't take a bottle yet either. I have offered him contact but he doesn't seem to actually want it. Will just demand it once he has to pay the maintenance.

@sitcks I'm not sure where you are based, but certainly in Scots law parental rights are absolutely a thing. I'm a solicitor and child protection specialist. PR&R- parental rights and responsibilities. These are acquired either by being married to the mother of the child at the time of birth or by being named on the birth certificate. If this man wished to acquire rights and responsibilities (or simply 'responsibility' if in England,) he can make an application to the court for this. Welfare of the child will be paramount in the court's consideration of any contact application, but I don't think it's reasonable or accurate to say it would be 'laughed out of court.' The default position is that it is in the best interests of the child that he/she sees both parents.

Thank you. I'm so worried she'll realise how unwanted by him she was/is and I just want her to feel loved. If he could do that then it would be ok but I don't even know who he is anymore.

There is no such thing as parental rights. He can apply for parental responsibility and, as her father, he will get it.

Contact is for your daughter's benefit, not his. Given her age, he isn't going to get overnight contact straight away. He may get it eventually. But he will almost certainly get some form of contact.

These days the courts don't talk about custody. They talk about who the child lives with. There is no chance the courts will order that your child lives with him at this stage.

Please do not listen to @sitcks. As others have said, she clearly doesn't know what she is talking about. The courts have a strong bias towards children having a relationship with both parents. Nothing you have said here would stop him getting contact.

Yes it's totally incorrect to scare mothers into thinking that a child maintenance claim gives fathers parental responsibility. He'd need to go to court for this , of course the dna test would help his case.

If you're happy to facilitate access without him having to go to court (which is what I do as I think it's the right thing to do) then decide a frequency and location you're comfortable with and offer him a few dates to choose from. Neutral locations such as a children's center or a coffee shop or park work well. If he shows up then great you can show you've been supporting them to have a relationship. If he doesn't show up you have a paper trail that you're not alienating them.

I won't feel comfortable about my child staying over night anywhere until they're old enough to talk about what happened there. At some point though you might want a break over night or a weekend off- if you could see where the e child would sleep that the house is baby proofed if you have met the rest of the family too and see them as safe and loving.

There's an itv x programme called maternal I think you should watch which is exactly your situation- a doctor has a baby with a married man and he confesses fo his wife, she's the one that makes it all formal and forgives him but tried to take the baby a lot- you should watch it!

This isn't good advice- a child has a right to a relationship with his dad even if he's a cheating bastard of a dad.

I think op should be there at the visits (with a friend supporting) though or baby will be scared

What have you got against her meeting baby? She would probably help him know what to do

Why wouldn't courts allow a father to visit his child?

He's actually just talking. Rubbish and trying to get some power back. Just keep doing what you're doing op

I think it sounds like a tactic to stop you asking for money.

Yes, I agree, it’s a ploy to scare you off claiming money. I doubt his wife has any wish to take on your child and he clearly isn’t interested.

Can I just add that being present at the birth does not confer parental responsibility on the father of the child