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Original poster

Absent father now wants parental rights

187 replies

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:15

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:11

He agreed to do the child maintenance and then he allegedly told his wife and now it's all threats of custody. When agreeing with the maintenance claim he carried on saying he wanted nothing to do with her and didn't want any of his family to know about her.

OP posts:
blacksax · 20/09/2023 22:11

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:38

He has a responsibility. Simple as that.

Show quote history

You are responsible, not him, and now you are demanding that he pays.

I'm usually on the fence with these ones, but in this situation, he thought that the contraception was working okay. You changed your contraception method and it failed, and you became pregnant. He told you over and over that he didn't want the baby, and he made it very clear that he wanted you to have a termination. You were the one whose contraception failed, and you were the one who insisted on keeping the pregnancy, all the while knowing that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the baby.

No wonder he is pissed off.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:13

@blacksax no contraceptive is 100%

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 22:14

Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 21:54

Start mentioning the private schools you have in mind for dd and how he will be expected to pay 50 %. Watch him backtrack.. He is trying to scare you off cms op.

Why on earth would he be forced to pay for private school? This is one of the weirdest takes I’ve ever seen.

OP would get a shock if he said, ok- fine.

Don’t start these games, OP. It will only make you look unreasonable in court if he takes you.

Just wait for the CMS to get in touch and see how it goes

crumblingschools · 20/09/2023 22:21

@blacksax he could have used a condom, which as he was having an affair he should have done.

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:21

Hi,

I am a trained social worker and deal with custody situations all the time.
Firstly, there is no such thing as parental rights. It's just something people say or think is real.
The only real thing in law is parental responsibility.
For that of course he would have to be on the birth certificate.
Currently he has no parental responsibility because you weren't married at the time of birth and I'm assuming he wasn't present at the birth,

He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test.

However, once this is processed, he does NOT get rights to custody or access to the child, that's not something to worry about.

crumblingschools · 20/09/2023 22:22

@heartofglass23 a child has the right to know who their dad is

CurlewKate · 20/09/2023 22:25

@blacksax "I'm usually on the fence with these ones, but in this situation, he thought that the contraception was working okay." Absolute rubbish. He should have used a condom if he wasn't prepared to deal with the potential consequences of having sex. Both babies and STDs.

Vinrouge4 · 20/09/2023 22:32

Does he and his wife have any children together? If not, be careful they don’t want yours.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:35

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:21

Hi,

I am a trained social worker and deal with custody situations all the time.
Firstly, there is no such thing as parental rights. It's just something people say or think is real.
The only real thing in law is parental responsibility.
For that of course he would have to be on the birth certificate.
Currently he has no parental responsibility because you weren't married at the time of birth and I'm assuming he wasn't present at the birth,

He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test.

However, once this is processed, he does NOT get rights to custody or access to the child, that's not something to worry about.

Thank you for this.

Is there anyway he can demand custody?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:37

Vinrouge4 · 20/09/2023 22:32

Does he and his wife have any children together? If not, be careful they don’t want yours.

They have 3. Although he told me he only had 2 until recently. Not sure why his youngest was kept a secret too.

OP posts:
Alwaysdecorating · 20/09/2023 22:39

He absolutely should pay. That child is his as well as yours.

However, that child is his as well as yours. You don’t get the final say. You don’t get to decide you want him to take financial responsibility, but nothing else. You don’t get to decide he has to pay but can’t be on the birth certificate or not have access.

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:44

@AnxiousSandwich

Your welcome.
So, there really isn't a chance of him being given custody of the child. He could take it to court but they would laugh at him and just cost himself a lot of money.

When custody of a child is being decided the whole picture is considered, and if we consider his picture, having a child that he refused to even acknowledge, whilst being married and lying to both you and his wife, no, he would not be given custody. He has proven plenty enough he doesn't have the capacity to be responsible or honest, let alone care for a child. So as I've said, the court would laugh him out of the building, you hold the cards here legally.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:45

Alwaysdecorating · 20/09/2023 22:39

He absolutely should pay. That child is his as well as yours.

However, that child is his as well as yours. You don’t get the final say. You don’t get to decide you want him to take financial responsibility, but nothing else. You don’t get to decide he has to pay but can’t be on the birth certificate or not have access.

I just don't want him to only be doing it to make my life difficult. If he wanted to get to know her and bond with her then I would be happy for him to have access.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:46

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:44

@AnxiousSandwich

Your welcome.
So, there really isn't a chance of him being given custody of the child. He could take it to court but they would laugh at him and just cost himself a lot of money.

When custody of a child is being decided the whole picture is considered, and if we consider his picture, having a child that he refused to even acknowledge, whilst being married and lying to both you and his wife, no, he would not be given custody. He has proven plenty enough he doesn't have the capacity to be responsible or honest, let alone care for a child. So as I've said, the court would laugh him out of the building, you hold the cards here legally.

You have just made me feel so much better about everything! It's made me cry. Thank you x

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 20/09/2023 22:47

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:38

Will I have to agree to overnights?

Show quote history

Not straight away but eventually

Alwaysdecorating · 20/09/2023 22:48

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:45

I just don't want him to only be doing it to make my life difficult. If he wanted to get to know her and bond with her then I would be happy for him to have access.

Show quote history

You don’t get to choose wether he gets access.

If you deny him access because you don’t think his intentions are good enough for and he goes to court, you will look like you are alienating him. That’s never good.

He doesn’t get to say ‘I am not paying because I don’t think anxioussandwich will use that money correctly’ and with hold payment, you don’t get to say ‘I suspect your intentions are what I want them to be so I have decided I am stopping him seeing the child.’

Well you can, but if he takes you to court it will massively back fire.

RedHelenB · 20/09/2023 22:51

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 22:46

You have just made me feel so much better about everything! It's made me cry. Thank you x

Show quote history

But that's not true. He's shown he's a capable father, he's got 3 children. A court would 100% allow him rime alone with his child. And overnights too once baby is older

MrsMous · 20/09/2023 22:52

He is blowing smoke. Getting a solicitor for family court proceedings will cost him big bucks, as well as maintenance and a dna test. He is trying to get under your skin, or at least his wife is. I’d smile and say ok! Have the dna if you need to. I doubt he will honestly go for contact, and stick to it in any fashion. It will cost him a lot and any assessment by the court (cafcass) will out of all his nasty lies , so I bet he will not want to do that in a hurry!

Catsafterme · 20/09/2023 22:53

Yeah, that's not right. As soon as he has proof he's the father he can request to be put on the birth certificate and there's his parental responsibility. He can then ask for access through courts.

Just because he said to you he didn't want it, that's not proof it's hearsay and they wouldn't entertain it as a reason to stop contact.

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2023 22:54

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:21

Hi,

I am a trained social worker and deal with custody situations all the time.
Firstly, there is no such thing as parental rights. It's just something people say or think is real.
The only real thing in law is parental responsibility.
For that of course he would have to be on the birth certificate.
Currently he has no parental responsibility because you weren't married at the time of birth and I'm assuming he wasn't present at the birth,

He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test.

However, once this is processed, he does NOT get rights to custody or access to the child, that's not something to worry about.

If you are in fact a social worker then you will be only too aware of the law. You will know that a father has the right to apply to the Courts for access to his child, and that access will often be granted unless there are valid reasons. The mother refusing access isn’t a valid reason.

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:56

Catsafterme · 20/09/2023 22:53

Yeah, that's not right. As soon as he has proof he's the father he can request to be put on the birth certificate and there's his parental responsibility. He can then ask for access through courts.

Just because he said to you he didn't want it, that's not proof it's hearsay and they wouldn't entertain it as a reason to stop contact.

This is exactly what I have said, he needs PR to pay CM. That's what they're doing. PR doesn't grant the right to access.

yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 22:56

Yeah, sorry but that’s just not true. He can request access through the courts down the line if he is shown to be the parent and he goes through all the processes.

Abusers who’ve made their ex partners lives he’ll get granted access. The court isn’t going to throw it out because he told a few lies.

titchy · 20/09/2023 22:57

He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test

Well that's not true at all. And you say you're a social worker....

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:58

@Soontobe60 yes of course, as I've said he can apply to the courts.

Correct, the mother not wanting contact isn't enough alone.

Courts view the situation holistically, the mother doesn't discourage contact for no reason. They have to consider her reasons, which in my many years of experience, are more than enough to have a court disallow access to a child.

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