Absent father now wants parental rights

[AnxiousSandwich]

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

Having parental responsibility also means the mother cannot stop him from seeing the child unless for a good reason. He can then also go to court to enforce contact and seek some sort of arrangement.

His wife may be insisting he asserts his paternity so that their children have a relationship with their half sister.

She may be forcing him to face up to his responsibilities to all of his children.. regardless If what she currently feels about him.

@RedHelenB

Access to children is considered on an individual basis. I do not know what he is like with his other children so cannot comment on his ability to parent them.

However I do know that custody is considered per child. In the situation of this 4th child outside of his marriage he has made a terrible case for himself. Custody is highly unlikely. Potential visitation with a strong legal team yes, any chance of the child being removed and given to the father? Absolutely 0.

the mother doesn't discourage contact for no reason

Also not true; some do. That’s partly why the court process exists. No one parent can unilaterally make all the decisions

Your choice to keep baby he didn't get a choice in that, then you claim maintenance fair enough as you say he is now responsible for that and 5 months is a very short amount off time yes he says he has no feeling but he must do otherwise he would just pay each month and forget about her, so looks like your going to have to come to terms with the fact he will be taking responsibility for her and not just handing over cash.

What if she couldn't conceive and they have been looking to grow their family and then you came along?

Now they have the perfect opportunity to become parents again and you care for their new baby a few nights a week and they take on the rest.

You may even be expected to pay maintenance to them and hand over your baby as they have the space/opportunities etc.

Make it very very difficult for your baby to be with him and a total stranger. He told you he didn't want to be a father again, believe him.

I think you need to advocate for your baby by making it as challenging as possible for as long as possible until your baby is a safe age to be left with strangers during supervised visits.

@Catsafterme

In my experience, her reasons are enough. What you say is true, but her situation is enough reason for the courts to disallow access.

I haven't ever refused access. I also haven't said I would refuse. But I have no obligation to facilitate contact for his wife. And there's no way she'll trust him without her there.

Honestly, if he didn’t want the baby why should he pay maintenance? Genuine question. I am single in my 30s and my only chance of being a mum increasingly looks like it might be getting pregnant after a one night stand. I’d keep the baby and run!
That is your decision but some Mums cannot afford to support a DC with one income. Should the tax payer support this child when the child's father has capacity to support his own offspring?
The child has the right to know who their father is ( as AnxiousSandwich points out) and, if the father is not abusive and wants to responsibly build a relationship with the child, the Mother has no right to deny this.

What are you on about. If an absent father has a change of heart, as long as he isn't a danger to the child, of course he will be given context. It's in the child's best interests to have a relationship with their father.

This child also has three siblings - again it is in their interest to have a relationship with those siblings.

OP he will be given contact, unless he demonstrates he is a danger. Which he isn't as his three other dcs would be removed if he were. He won't get overnight while you're dc is still a baby, but once contact has been established and is going well, maybe from the age of two he'll get overnight.

No he doesn’t. If the mother applies to CMS for child maintenance, the father can just pay it. He can, of course, deny parentage in which case CMS may order a DMA test. Then he can apply to have his name added to the birth certificate, but he doesn’t need to in order to still pay CM and have access.

If he has access e.g. one day or overnights, you won’t get to dictate what he does with that time. You can’t stop her being there.

Book a 30 min consultation with a family lawyer to go through your options if you’re unsure.

@AnxiousSandwich

Again, your welcome. The information I've given you is based on the most up to date versions of the children act, as well as my own years of experience in children and families social work.

There's a lot of people disagreeing with me as you can see, but I would argue their qualifications, if any, are questionable at best.

You don't have to listen to me, but I would suggest closing off this threat and grabbing yourself a cuppa. Everything will be ok. As I've said he could go to the courts and argue for some access, but there is an incredibly long backlog so nothing would happen any time soon, and even if he did go down this route, upon viewing of the whole case, no rights to access or visitation would be granted.

Best of luck

Now I’m sure you’re not a social worker! In my 30+ years as a teacher, many of which I was DSL and safeguarding lead, I know of many many fathers who I’d class as unsuitable being given access to their children by the courts despite overwhelming evidence of their unsuitability.

He won’t get custody but he will get access. Small amounts of time at first but building up to overnights once she is two

Talk about paranoid, the best thing for a child is two parents that love them!!! regardless of what he has done in the past more than likely says this stuff to hurt mum and doesn't mean it. You however have come up with a whole story to scare op into being as paranoid as you.

Op at most he will get a few sleep overs a week if he fights for that at all.

I'd lie. Tell the wife you made it up. Withdraw the claim and run. You cannot hand that baby over to a toxic marriage where she will represent his infidelity....He will eventually get overnights....I couldn't risk it.

This!!!! Ignore sticks - clearly has a vivid imagination but is not a social worker.

He needs PR to pay CM

Also not true. This thread has some of the worst information I’ve ever seen.

@sitcks I'm sorry but what you are saying is not correct and if you are giving out that advice to people it's worrying.

I know because I am going through this now, with my own children that have been withheld for six months for no reason at all. My wife has been told she can do it because she's the mother but the law states otherwise.

So now, I am going to court to regain access as all other attempts have failed.

If he gets a DNA test and he's the father he can request to go on the birth certificate and gain access through courts. At some point they may grant more access as get older.

@AnxiousSandwich I wasn't saying you were refusing, just that would go against you is all.

Well that is absolute rubbish, you don't need to have parental responsibility to have to pay maintanance

He's obviously told them he doesn't think he's the father and wants a dna test, once it's proven he is then he has to pay maintanance

Parental resposibility is a totally different issue and is delt with by the courts

Alwaysdecorating*
*
It doesn't work like that. For contact.

Step 1. He has to prove he is the father. He can do this two ways. An application to the court for parental RESPONSIBILITY not 'rights' . The court can order a DNA test or he can use the one done by CMS .
Might be good for you to know that if CMS are doing this because he is 'unsure' or denying he is the father then the cost falls to him. As this is a waste of money to the gov as he knows he is the father . It's a delaying tactic and will be him spinning his wife a line about a one night stand and portraying you as a woman who could have been sleeping with many different men... don't forget you don't know what bollocks he has told her...

Step 2. He needs to make an application to the court for contact. (More cost) actually not expensive if he does it him self (£235) but he is probably too stupid and will have to employ a solicitor).

Step 3 . You will receive a copy of the application and he will have to invite you to mediation. You can refuse. Normally it would be preferable to do this and sort things out between yourselves BUT you have some very good reasons not to comply.
He's refusal to acknowledge the child.
The constant badgering for abortion. Showing his disinterest in her and your genuine concerns for her welfare if she is forced to spend time alone with someone who has literally wished her not here.
His phenomenal duplicity in deceiving you. You aren't important here - only the child's best interests. But it points towards his basic dishonesty.

Do not engage except to attend court.
Explain your concerns to the judge.
He will probably order a social work report which will mean them visiting him and his wife/home to see if the environment/home set up is suitable.

Your baby is very young. My thoughts are that the judge will give him supervised contact either with you or at a contact centre until he has built up a relationship. Probably about to age 18 months. Then IF all is good, and safe for baby he may get unsupervised contact .

Be passive. Answer any COURT stuff that arrives. Do not engage with his lawyers. You don't have to. The ONLY person who can require you to do anything is the Judge. He is the one who you have to 'obey' no one else.

This is all a scare tactic to keep his lies to his wife looking realistic and to scare you away from costing him (and therefore his wife) money.

Keep Pershing that claim !
The phenomenal deception

Why would you not want a child to have sleep over at dad?
Op doesn't even know the wife or what kind of person she is yet every one is making up scary situations.
Op don't take any advice from anyone on here go and speak to a family lawyer.

I would have been happy with him wanting to be a part of her life. The fact is he's still saying he doesn't want her but will take me to court anyway. I have offered contact. He didn't want it.

@Bouncyball23 Flip it around: why would you want to expose a baby to a man who refers to her as 'it' and has shown and expressed no interest at all in the first 5 months. This is a man who has the morals of an alley cat. You reckon it's going to be all rosy in that household when he has to explain to his older 3 children that this baby is from the OW? It's really not a leap to see what a hugely toxic environment that would be.