Absent father now wants parental rights

[AnxiousSandwich]

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

The guy has lied about everything so don't believe a word he says now.

Ignore anything he says as it's just trying to scare and bully you.

The courts decide things, not him.

The wife is likely to be very angry if he has been cheating. Playing happy families with your baby would be ideal revenge for some? However she may be just trying to make him man up.

I think he will get access because even abusive men do. Courts would say his relationship with you/lies is irrelevant. Even if a father is absent for years.

OP I went through something very similar with my ex, albeit he wasn't married... in fact we were before he walked out in me when I was pregnant.
I never went through CMA because when I questioned the ridiculously low amount he gives me when he got a promotion he told me that he would take me to court to get 50/50. He bullied me and tortured me with thsi for month. He accused me of being selfish for breast feeding, making up my child's allergies... you name it.
The more and more I read on here, these threats and bullyish behaviour always comes after CMA gets involved, always.
My ex told me that he'd rather have the kids then pay me a penny more and I read this SO often.
I chose to not go down the CMA route. I've accepted his pathetic contribution and I'll worked hard to manage.
DNA does not make a dad. A dad would not use his child to finically benifit him. It makes my blood boil that it's so easy for parents to just walk in and out whenever they want and the stable parent just has to accept it!!!! One day they just decide they want involvement and they get it. Then they let you down. It really is horrendous and the system fails so many families for it.
Obviously I'm still effected form what I want through 🙈

My advice, continue BF. WHO recommend BF until the age of 2, but obviously you do that for as long as you want to. It's normal for BF to not want a bottle. It's very common and everyone in the BF community knows this. Do not worry. If you child won't take a bottle dad will have to work around this.
Contact should be short but frequent burst. Perhaps 2 hours 2 times a week which is built up. He has to prove he can be reliable and create a bind with your baby.
I got the above advice from women's aid, family solicitors and many and I mean many MN posts over the years.

I hear you OP. Try not to let your mind think the worst. You are not the person who has anything to prove here.

** who recommend BF I tilt he age of 2 and beyond.

My child's father walked away when DC was 1. He's on the birth certificate so he has parental responsibility (though doesn't pay maintenance - long story 🙄)
Anyway, sadly, him not being around for 5 months will mean nothing to the courts - IF he takes it to court (after he's legally declared the father after the DNA test) - as his parental responsibility never goes away except in very, very exceptional circumstances.
Obviously if he was absent 8 years like my DC's DF has been, then that will influence how his access would be introduced ie: initially being supervised only, for example. However the courts will never ever say "Well he wanted nothing to do with her before, so he can piss off now" Even though as mothers, we know whether there's a big chance they could bugger off again, leaving our child upset & potentially scarred by that...

@sitcks When custody of a child is being decided the whole picture is considered, and if we consider his picture, having a child that he refused to even acknowledge, whilst being married and lying to both you and his wife, no, he would not be given custody. He has proven plenty enough he doesn't have the capacity to be responsible or honest, let alone care for a child. So as I've said, the court would laugh him out of the building, you hold the cards here legally.

I'm sorry @AnxiousSandwich but this post above by @sitcks is not correct. Him lying to you & his wife etc would absolutely not come into it in court.
IF - and that is a big if - he paid out enough to hire a solicitor, the first thing would be mandatory mediation. This is mandatory for both parties, neither can refuse to take part.

If that's not successful then it goes to court which is where it starts getting to £5/10k++

IF it does get to court, if there's enough reason for a judge to believe the father has poor capacity to meet the child's needs then the Judge will order a CAFCASS assessment. This is somebody who will visit both parents, have discussions with you both and assess your living conditions etc. They then report back to the judge with their take on each parent and their recommendations.

This is the only time when the father's 'capacity' is considered. If the judge was to judge someone's ability to be a parent based on past decisions during & after arguments etc, it would open up a whole can of worms. After all, the entire reason both parents are there in the first place is because there is conflict and/or the inability to agree on child arrangements. The judge isn't there to character assassinate, he/she is there to make sure that decisions are made in the best interests of the child.
Obviously it goes without saying that in cases where abuse/violence comes into it, provided there's evidence of police involvement, then that's a different kettle of fish entirely.

Like I said, if there is genuine concern surrounding the father's motivation & capacity to parent, your solicitor can request a CAFCASS assessment.
The CAFCASS assessor will be the person you can speak to about your concerns and they may or may not feel it's relevant but to be honest, I doubt they will as the child is so young. If your child was, say, 7/8/9+ then the CAFCASS Assessor would possibly speak to them also, and slightly more consideration surrounding the father's motives may be given because of the potential for emotional upset to the child if he was to suddenly disappear again.

Ultimately though, in any case where the non-resident parent has been absent for any length of time, all initial contact begins at a Contact Centre and is supervised.
Thankfully your child is so young that him disappearing after a couple of visits - whilst infuriating & horrible - wouldn't be something that would affect your DD yet.

Also, as a PP alluded to above, it's worth remembering that the courts very, very, VERY rarely refuse a parent ANY access at all to their child. Even in cases where the father has gone to prison for domestic abuse/domestic violence towards the mother, they are usually always given Supervised visits at a contact centre at the very least, once released from prison.
I've personally witnessed a registered child sex offender be granted supervised access.

I'm not saying any of this to frighten or upset you, I just want you to be forewarned that whilst he's very very unlikely to pay out the thousands required to go to court AND take it beyond mediation, that there is still that chance further down the line. Forewarned is forearmed. I'd hate for you to come away from this thread, thinking that he's got no chance. Only to then potentially get the shock of your life further down the line

This part is 100% true. The CMS will enable payment without a DNA test only IF the father admits paternity OR the father is on the birth certificate.

However, in cases like this where the father isn't named and doesn't agree to pay based on him supposedly being 'unsure' of paternity, then the CMS provide DNA testing. They make the father pay for it (if he's proven not to be the father then he is refunded)

Total nonsense

I can't believe you are defending the lying scumbag

But OP, you were happy enough for him to be the father when you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. You can't now try and change his role to your own liking

• well, thanks for the sperm but now sod off. He has a responsibility to his daughter and he can decide how to enact that responsibility, which he may decide is through access.

Do you have any of this in writing?

You're delightful aren't you?! He chose to rely on OP using contraception. He failed to use any himself. It's not all on OP. An abortion is a serious medical procedure. One that can have complications both emotional and physical. He has zero right to insist someone else do that to their body. OP hasn't let him down in any way by not having an abortion. She didn't have any obligation to risk infertility and poor mental health due to an abortion just because he chose not to use a condom and then decided he didn't want a baby.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply.

I do have pretty much everything in writing as it's all over messages.

I'm not against his family meeting her I just would want her to have developed a bond with him first.

I'm still feeling very much betrayed by him as I genuinely believed they weren't together. Now I have to get used to the fact that I just a bit of fun on the side and he's shown very little care towards how any of that made me feel. I made it clear from the beginning my thoughts on people who cheat and he agreed with me, all while he had a wife at home waiting for him.

@sitcks
He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test
this isn't correct. The father only needs to acknowledge paternity to be obliged to pay maintenance. A paternity test is only ordered if the father disputes paternity. It's perfectly possible to claim child maintenance from a father who is not on the BC and doesn't have PR as long as the father acknowledges he is the father.

You really need to not panic over this. You've offered contact right? He has turned down what you've offered and said he will take you to court? That is ridiculous and he would be highly criticised by the court for bringing it into the court arena unnecessarily. It's also important to note that before going to court he would have to arrange mediation with you and if you're willing to negotiate contact within mediation and he rejects it in favour of some show of trying to get more/contact that isn't in her interest he would also be highly criticised and totally unsuccessful.

just make sure you have everything in writing if possible.

A DNA test from the CMS does not give him parental responsibility, it just means he has to pay maintenance and gives him no other rights/responsibilities towards the child.

Sort the CMS and then leave him to it - don't agree to anything - make him take you to court if he wants the BC changed. He probably won't be bothered.

Mickey Mouse school of sw some people.... My ex didn't have dna tests. He paid cms. He hasn't ever seen ds...

Financial responsibility and parental access are decided independently of one another.

He is financially responsible. He can try to evade that with dna testing but that will come up as positive so he will have to pay.

What happens financially has no bearing on what happens in any process to decide access. Access is not granted "because" maintenance is paid and should never be withheld as revenge for CM not being paid. Access and contact is decided on the principle of what is in the child's best interests, not yours and not his.

Keep any evidence you have of how little he cares for the child. It definitely would not be in the child's best interests to regularly spend time with a family where her father has no interest in her, the rest of the family resent her existence and she is only spending time there to reduce the CM bill. However if the wife is a good person, who wants to facilitate a positive relationship between your baby and her half-siblings, and if you can build up that relationship gradually, then that's no bad thing.

This thread is in Legal Matters, and there is a lot of wrong information posted here.

To try to pick through it, and stick to the law (not the morals), and assuming OP is in England

a) you say the baby is his, and the test being arranged by CMS will therefore prove that.

BTW, you don't need parental responsibility to be required to pay CMS, so it settle at this point, except XP has said he also wants access.

b) XP, with proof of paternity, applies for PR. This is overwhelmingly likely to be granted

XP thus acquires equal footing with the OP about important decisions regarding the child (health, education, religion, certain types of travel abroad, and where the DC lives - ie OP would not be able to move house with DC away from their father without his consent)

c) negotiations about access moving towards shared residency begin - best sorted out by negotiation if at all possible. As the DC is still an infant (few month old?) then the reasonable pattern would be little and often (maybe a couple of hours daily) building to whole days, building to overnights.

d) OP has the responsibility to facilitate the child's right to a relationship with their father.

I'm not even sure what being a social worker has to do with maintenance anyway! It's never been a feature in my many years of work...

So it's not 100% true, because you just said the opposite! That poster is also conflating PR and biological paternity which aren't the same thing and one doesn't lead to the other.

Op try not to worry. This man is scum.
It’s quite obvious he had had to fess up to his wife that he has shagged around as he knows she will see the maintenance payments coming out if their bank account. He will have lied to her so she won’t be thinking straight.
Go through CMS and leave it at that. If he does get granted access to see your child so what? It will be for a few hours only to start with.
In most of these cases he will lose interest. It will be too inconvenient to keep seeing a child he doesn’t care about for 2 hours. He is selfish, the access will not be to his benefit. Eventually the show he is putting on for his wife will fall apart.
If she leaves him he will lose interest in seeing your child, he is saying what he us for her benefit, to try and save his marriage.