Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Absent father now wants parental rights

187 replies

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:15

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
Meeting · 22/09/2023 06:56

£30 PW?!

OP this man is a cheat and a liar. Do not enter an informal arrangement with him. Go through the proper channels and get what you're entitled to for your baby.

Sebock · 22/09/2023 07:06

If he made 35,000 a year with 3 other children and didn't have the baby overnight the CMS calculator says 67.66 a week. If he starts to have her overnight that drops.

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2023 07:42

I would continue with the cms claim, you can’t trust him an inch and you don’t want to have to renegotiate this with him coming back with new threats every week or whenever the mood takes him. He fucked around, he found out. ‘You keep changing what you want and nothing you suggest or demand has our child’s best interests as the priority. I will continue with the cms claim. I am happy to offer you contact with her but only at my house while she is so small.’

Daffodilwoman · 22/09/2023 08:14

I wouldn’t even contact him. Just go through the CMS.
He is liar.
Don’t engage with him.
CMS will contact him and tell him what needs doing.
He can then face the shit show he has created and deal with his wife.

Validissue179 · 22/09/2023 08:23

Your child has a right to have a relationship with both parents & we only have your version here. If he wants to have a relationship with her & he is the Father then you shouldn’t try to stop it just to get more money out of him, so what if he ends up paying less she must have a relationship with her Dad

SheilaFentiman · 22/09/2023 10:12

Validissue179 · 22/09/2023 08:23

Your child has a right to have a relationship with both parents & we only have your version here. If he wants to have a relationship with her & he is the Father then you shouldn’t try to stop it just to get more money out of him, so what if he ends up paying less she must have a relationship with her Dad

What the fuck does this post mean?

SheilaFentiman · 22/09/2023 10:13

The man has shown no interest in meeting his DD for the past five months, regardless of £

DinnaeFashYersel · 22/09/2023 10:19

The most important thing is that your child has a right to a relationship with her father.

Yes he should pay maintenance
Yes you should support access
Yes he can be added to the birth certificate

If you don't agree to access then he can go to court to obtain it.

Access should build up and take into s count your breastfeeding. But over time it should increase and down the road include overnights.

The most a court would award is 50/50

Ideally you both should come to an agreement. Another option is mediation. But ultimately he can go to court.

Starlightstarbright2 · 22/09/2023 10:24

We will leave it with cms then no need for any further contact.. far easier … I can guarantee it is far more than £30 a week

LittleOwl153 · 22/09/2023 10:32

He was calling your bluff and trying to frighten you into dropping the CMS claim.

My guess is either the wife doesn't know at all, or she's seen the paperwork and he's going to tell her you made it up and the DNA proved that - by getting you to close the CMS case.

Clearly he is offering as little as he thinks he can get away with in the hope that you will be forever grateful, shut up and go away!

Obviously don't let the CMS claim drop. You've started it so let them calculate what he owes. He will have to respond one way or the other tothe claim either going through with the DNA or accepting she's his to pay for without it. CMS will seek his income level from HMRC so you do not need to know it. You will just get told what he is expected to oay. At that point you can either accept that amount from him directly or ask CMS to collect and pay, which will be a deduction of earnings for him. Either way keep the case open, they will keep track of his earnings for you and adjust what he needs to pay. And if you start with him paying you directly and he stops you can always go back and ask them to sort it out.

Don't let him get to you. Your little lady needs her mum in a good place!

Maxiedog123 · 22/09/2023 10:52

I imagine his wife doesn't know, and he thinks he can get away with 30 pounds a week as "personal spending ".
He has demonstrated he is untrustworthy, by not telling you he was married, just go with CMS

Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 11:10

If you look at it another way, some get paid that an hour...

I wouldn't trust him and I would be inclined to agree with PP, his wife doesn't know and it's hush money.

SheilaFentiman · 22/09/2023 11:22

Maxiedog123 · 22/09/2023 10:52

I imagine his wife doesn't know, and he thinks he can get away with 30 pounds a week as "personal spending ".
He has demonstrated he is untrustworthy, by not telling you he was married, just go with CMS

This.

Fairymcclary · 22/09/2023 12:04

How do you know his wife knows?

Cheaters say their wife knows to stop you telling their wife.

£30 from his account could be his personal trainer at lunch once a week…

TorringtonDean · 22/09/2023 14:33

Is he in a very low paid job? It doesn’t sound like it. £30 a week would mean he is earning below £20k. Is that likely at this stage in life?

He’s an out and out liar.

Daffodilwoman · 22/09/2023 15:27

I agree 100% that he has not told his wife and that he thinks he can hose £30 per week from her and fob it off as ‘spends’.

Meeting · 22/09/2023 15:33

TorringtonDean · 22/09/2023 14:33

Is he in a very low paid job? It doesn’t sound like it. £30 a week would mean he is earning below £20k. Is that likely at this stage in life?

He’s an out and out liar.

OP said he's on £35-£45k

TorringtonDean · 22/09/2023 15:36

So it’s all just scare tactics. Make her fear her baby will end up forced to spend time with a father and stepmum who couldn’t care less. Threaten a DNA test. Then offer her less support than she’s entitled to. This man is a real charmer.

yogasaurus · 22/09/2023 15:43

and stepmum who couldn’t care less.

No reason to bring her into it, it’s nothing to do with her.

Not many women would want to be involved with a child of their partners affair.

There’s nothing to confirm she knows either. Nothing like women going up against other women.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 22/09/2023 21:22

He is now saying it was his wife that was pushing contact but his whole family support his decision not to have any involvement with the baby.

I must admit I'm not convinced he's told anyone, just doesn't want me to tell anyone.

I've told him I'll be keeping the claim open but he said the amount will likely be lower than the £30p/w he has offered.

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 22/09/2023 21:29

He has lied about everything else, so I think it safe to assume he is lying about maintenance.

Honestly, I would go through CMS.

Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 21:40

Yeah... don't buy that he's taking you for a fool.

Least with CMS it's done through the right way. He could just stop paying at any given moment otherwise or start changing the goal posts.

Pretty sure he would have to be on a low wage for it to be less than that.

BambinoBlue · 23/09/2023 06:53

sitcks · 20/09/2023 22:21

Hi,

I am a trained social worker and deal with custody situations all the time.
Firstly, there is no such thing as parental rights. It's just something people say or think is real.
The only real thing in law is parental responsibility.
For that of course he would have to be on the birth certificate.
Currently he has no parental responsibility because you weren't married at the time of birth and I'm assuming he wasn't present at the birth,

He will need parental responsibility for you to claim any money from him legally, that's why CM are requesting a paternity test.

However, once this is processed, he does NOT get rights to custody or access to the child, that's not something to worry about.

So inaccurate!

Please get more training on this.

I'm a registrar. Who does know the law on Birth Registration.

RoseAndRose · 23/09/2023 07:07

AnxiousSandwich · 22/09/2023 21:22

He is now saying it was his wife that was pushing contact but his whole family support his decision not to have any involvement with the baby.

I must admit I'm not convinced he's told anyone, just doesn't want me to tell anyone.

I've told him I'll be keeping the claim open but he said the amount will likely be lower than the £30p/w he has offered.

Agree with others who think he's not told anyone at all, and he is trying to make this go away. And this is his last remaining shot.

I don't think any further communication with him is necessary

But if you want to be a bitch, thank him for confirming that his whole family knows, so there is no need for any secrecy, especially when DC is old enough to be curious.

BambinoBlue · 23/09/2023 07:14

I can see that others have also refuted what the "social worker" has said. I was just so flabbergasted that anyone could get it so wrong, I replied before finishing the whole thread 😁

OP, you've been given other, excellent advice from people who do know the law. I personally hope you keep the CSA claim open.

If you have any questions questions about re registering the birth, do ask.

Swipe left for the next trending thread