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Original poster

Letting ex take kids to africa

307 replies

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:17

So my ex is from a west African country, the kids are 8and 5. I’ve agreed for him to take the kids away for 3 weeks max after a long debate. I’ve never been there and they haven’t either so it would be an opportunity to meet their cousins, grandma and practice their language. I was already really anxious as he can be quite selfish and I wouldn't even know where they are exactly as people don’t have exact addresses there. I have phone numbers for his family but that’s about it. I spoke to them before but there is a language barrier.
he initially said i can come as well but when I said i’d join for a week only, he said it’s too much money to pay for me just to come for a week. Also declined when I said he could apply for a visa for me just in case as it’s again waste of money. I can’t afford to go and don’t really want to.
Anyway he booked them tickets for a month even though I said it’s 3 weeks max! He said it’s because the tickets were cheaper that away and he is their dad. So they will now miss 2,5 weeks school. I’m fuming. He has loads of money and hasn’t even had them for a night since moving out over a year ago. How can I trust him when he has no regard for what we agreed. I don’t want to stop them from going and don’t have money for solicitors but is there anything I can do to minimise any risk? Should I even be letting them go?
they want to go, but is it worth my anxiety?
should by teaching my son the phone numbers for British embassy by heart in case something happens 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
aaarghhhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:11

FictionalCharacter · 28/02/2023 18:48

@Onlinedater1 Don’t show him, just work out in your mind what you want to say and stick to it. It needs to come from you not a load of internet strangers. Some of whom have some poor information. The breach of trust that you mention (changing the plans you had agreed to, causing you further difficulty including with the school), is surely the main thing. He just hasn’t been very responsible.

I agrée

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:12

ButterCrackers · 28/02/2023 18:51

You seem to want them to go despite your ex not looking after them overnight for a year. He doesn’t want you to go and you don’t want to travel but you says he’s wealthy. Is he paying for his kids or are you looking after them financially? Is he taking a new partner with him? Or meeting one there? If it’s not clear then it would be good to ask this.

His partner is not going.
he pays child maintenance and for some activities

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:13

Fladdermus · 28/02/2023 18:54

You posted this thread asking for advice because you were concerned about this trip and have then spent the entire thread arguing about why it's all fine, nothing to see here, kids perfectly safe, ex totally fine etc. What is the point of it?

That’s not what I’m saying though

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:14

1stTimeMummy2021 · 28/02/2023 18:55

As someone who was abducted by their mother I am seeing nothing but red flags.

Could you tell a bit more please.
i looked at reunite website and don’t see their red flags, I just don’t believe he would want to cause any harm to his kids I really don’t

OP posts:
Underadandelion · 28/02/2023 19:18

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:14

Could you tell a bit more please.
i looked at reunite website and don’t see their red flags, I just don’t believe he would want to cause any harm to his kids I really don’t

Show quote history

He wouldn't necessarily see eg keeping them away from you in another country as causing any harm to his kids. He could have a completely different view about what is acceptable for his children's future.

salamanderturtle · 28/02/2023 19:19

I think it’s a tricky one. I think if you are happy for them to go (which it sounds like you are but with some reservations) maybe join them for the last 2 weeks so you can make sure they come home? It does sound like he has a lot going for him in the UK and he hasn’t been difficult with contact previously. My main concern would be how a 5 year old would manage with being away as I have a child the same age and they would struggle. I’m not sure I would be comfortable with my child being that far away from me for that amount of time to be honest.

RandomMess · 28/02/2023 19:22

The fact he is self-employed and got all his money in a bank account and pushed your boundaries are the big red flags to me.

As it's not signed up to The Hague Convention I would be so worried that he may not return them and a month and "stay longer they are loving it" or not at all.

It's one of those horrible situations when although the risk is small the consequences are huge Sad

Would he be able to work out there easily?

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 19:23

lunar1 · 28/02/2023 12:55

There are many people in African countries that dont practice FGM. There are also single people who take their children to Africa every day and come back and get on with life as normal.

While he doesn't have them overnight, he is very involved in the children's lives. Does he have solid ties in the UK?

I completely understand your worries, but some of the posts on here are just blatant racism.

The overwhelming majority of African dads taking their children to see family are not planning to kidnap and mutilate them.

Hard agree. This thread is WILDLY racist in tone.

Clymene · 28/02/2023 19:26

@TheBigWangTheory - what is racist?

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:29

RandomMess · 28/02/2023 19:22

The fact he is self-employed and got all his money in a bank account and pushed your boundaries are the big red flags to me.

As it's not signed up to The Hague Convention I would be so worried that he may not return them and a month and "stay longer they are loving it" or not at all.

It's one of those horrible situations when although the risk is small the consequences are huge Sad

Would he be able to work out there easily?

He wouldn’t want to work there I don’t think. He likes his life here I think but I mean you never know.

OP posts:
XelaM · 28/02/2023 19:30

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 19:23

Hard agree. This thread is WILDLY racist in tone.

Show quote history

Nope. Doesn't matter if it's African country or another country that is not signatory to the Hague Convention, the advice would be exactly the same. My ex is white and from a European country. I would not allow him to take my daughter "back home" for a month!

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:34

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 19:23

Hard agree. This thread is WILDLY racist in tone.

Show quote history

Yes. I’m not really getting a specialist advice here am I.
i liked and appreciate the responses though and have had a look at reunite website and will give them a ring.
my ex is putting my kids to bed and i expressed my concerns already and the response I got that why I had kids with him if I don’t trust him, who do I think he is and why do I think he would do that to his kids
but then when I asked him ok so book me a ticket for last two weeks, he told me that he doesn’t have money 🙄 even though he said previously he would 🙄
then he said that he can go by himself which will of course out me in shit with childcare and disappoint the kids
we will have a chat after the kids are in bed 😤😡🙄

OP posts:
TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 19:35

XelaM · 28/02/2023 19:30

Nope. Doesn't matter if it's African country or another country that is not signatory to the Hague Convention, the advice would be exactly the same. My ex is white and from a European country. I would not allow him to take my daughter "back home" for a month!

Show quote history

You must have missed all the screeching about FGM, as if everyone in Africa practices it.
I repeat: WILDLY RACIST.

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:36

salamanderturtle · 28/02/2023 19:19

I think it’s a tricky one. I think if you are happy for them to go (which it sounds like you are but with some reservations) maybe join them for the last 2 weeks so you can make sure they come home? It does sound like he has a lot going for him in the UK and he hasn’t been difficult with contact previously. My main concern would be how a 5 year old would manage with being away as I have a child the same age and they would struggle. I’m not sure I would be comfortable with my child being that far away from me for that amount of time to be honest.

I totally agree. My girl would actually prefer if I went although my son is not bothered

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:37

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 19:35

You must have missed all the screeching about FGM, as if everyone in Africa practices it.
I repeat: WILDLY RACIST.

Show quote history

It is ridiculous honestly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:38

Underadandelion · 28/02/2023 19:18

He wouldn't necessarily see eg keeping them away from you in another country as causing any harm to his kids. He could have a completely different view about what is acceptable for his children's future.

Show quote history

I get that but I don’t think he thinks in that way although I’m sure he thinks a month would do them good 😂🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/02/2023 19:39

There's a series in Netflix called abducted by my ex (or similar) one case was a scenario almost identical to yours and the mum hasn't seen her kids now for 10 years.

There is absolutely no way I would agree to this, in fact my kids wouldn't even have passports.

It's just not worth the risk, if he decided not to bring them back, that's it you wouldn't see your kids again.

Sparklybutold · 28/02/2023 19:41

I have a friend who is white and her ex is black from Nigeria. When her ex mentioned taking the kids to Nigeria she got legal advice. She was informed of the real risk of either kidnapping (mixed heritage children desirable) or the risk he'd never bring them back... She arranged to make it illegal for her ex to take the kids to Nigeria. I have no idea how this would be enforced though?

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:43

Sparklybutold · 28/02/2023 19:41

I have a friend who is white and her ex is black from Nigeria. When her ex mentioned taking the kids to Nigeria she got legal advice. She was informed of the real risk of either kidnapping (mixed heritage children desirable) or the risk he'd never bring them back... She arranged to make it illegal for her ex to take the kids to Nigeria. I have no idea how this would be enforced though?

I know how id go about it but I do feel it would be good for them to go if it could be done safely

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 28/02/2023 19:44

Why don’t you go and ask a solicitor

i would bet money as to what they’d tell you

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:46

Whiskeypowers · 28/02/2023 19:44

Why don’t you go and ask a solicitor

i would bet money as to what they’d tell you

A solicitor will charge me and telle about prohibited steps order if I have concerns. There are some other possible arrangements which are all costly eg orders where he needs to leave money with court as deposit etc

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 28/02/2023 19:46

@Onlinedater1 it's such a shame to think like this because there likely more chance they have an amazing time, but... If there is one bit of doubt in you. Also the risk is not just on your ex but how there are specific areas around the world where child abduction is a real issue and as my friend said - it would appear fair skinned are at particular risk.

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 28/02/2023 19:54

It would not be a prohibited steps order or any other private law order if there is a risk that he may remove the kids with the aim of not returning them (international abduction) I would imagine it would be a wardship order.

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:55

So basically he told me that this conversation is only because he is African and he is finding it uncomfortable and that I’m talking to him like a child and went home. So we agreed that they are not going then as he can’t make me feel safe and doesn’t want to book me a ticket either ( as money and tired of this going back and forth)

its shit really all around but probably for the best 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
TrudyProud · 28/02/2023 19:55

The racism and dog whistling on this thread is appalling. If you don't trust your ex or his culture you shouldn't have had kids with him @Onlinedater1 .
I'm of Nigerian heritage and know and love my culture. It's ridiculous that you wouldn't allow your children to experience that side of their heritage.

People who enter mixed race, mixed culture or mixed ethnicity relationships need to have the expectation that any children that result from it have a right to immerse themselves in that experience. If you can't bear the thought of it don't mix FFS.