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Original poster

Letting ex take kids to africa

307 replies

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:17

So my ex is from a west African country, the kids are 8and 5. I’ve agreed for him to take the kids away for 3 weeks max after a long debate. I’ve never been there and they haven’t either so it would be an opportunity to meet their cousins, grandma and practice their language. I was already really anxious as he can be quite selfish and I wouldn't even know where they are exactly as people don’t have exact addresses there. I have phone numbers for his family but that’s about it. I spoke to them before but there is a language barrier.
he initially said i can come as well but when I said i’d join for a week only, he said it’s too much money to pay for me just to come for a week. Also declined when I said he could apply for a visa for me just in case as it’s again waste of money. I can’t afford to go and don’t really want to.
Anyway he booked them tickets for a month even though I said it’s 3 weeks max! He said it’s because the tickets were cheaper that away and he is their dad. So they will now miss 2,5 weeks school. I’m fuming. He has loads of money and hasn’t even had them for a night since moving out over a year ago. How can I trust him when he has no regard for what we agreed. I don’t want to stop them from going and don’t have money for solicitors but is there anything I can do to minimise any risk? Should I even be letting them go?
they want to go, but is it worth my anxiety?
should by teaching my son the phone numbers for British embassy by heart in case something happens 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
aaarghhhhh

OP posts:

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 28/02/2023 12:39

You absolutely cannot let this happen OP. You need to speak with a solicitor.

GrumpyPanda · 28/02/2023 12:39

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:34

So I’d say there is 5% chance that he would not bring them back. He has a life here and he will be coming back and also loves his kids and knows they have a good life here and he wouldn’t do it to them. But he can be quite selfish!
also my son is incredibly intelligent and I do believe he would get himself out of any situation, he speaks the language
also my ex’s sister is sensible
does it change the responses?

There've been multiple cases of fathers taking kids to their native country, leaving them with family and returning alone. So no, a good job and life in the UK is no guarantee. Nor in such cases is the threat of jail time.

If the likelihood in your view is 5 percent rather than 0 then no, I wouldn't risk it.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 28/02/2023 12:40

So many red flags.

I would question why does he live in a shared flat if he has plenty of money?

Doesn't sound like he has many reasons to come back then.

I would not let them go, OP. Imagine if the worst happens and he doesn't let them come back. Even if your son is a smart boy, how would he get back with no money and passport?

bellac11 · 28/02/2023 12:40

I would start by writing formally to him to refuse for them to go at all at this stage

I would then alert the passport office and their school that there is a plan in place by father but you dont agree and consent for this. You need to let the passport office know that you have the passports in case he tries to say they are lost or stolen and reapplies.

You do need to consult a solicitor

Original poster

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:40

Right so it’s a boy and a girl but there isn’t fgm where they would be going. I mean my ex and I were together for 14 years and yea he would keep them safe but like I said he would be selfish in a way that it would be about him a lot and what he wants to do.
there are addresses for hotels etc but people’s homes don’t always have exact addresses more the areas. I have a copy of his sisters id and pics of the house.
i mean the responses confirm my anxiety although just to add that people who know my ex think I should let him take them and deserve a break 🤦‍♀️
but it’s right that stakes are very high, even them being on a plane without me freaks me out

OP posts:

Clymene · 28/02/2023 12:41

If he loves his home country and his family so much, how come you've never been to visit it with him before you had kids?

If he doesn't bring them back, that's that. You can do nothing.

Kennykenkencat · 28/02/2023 12:41

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:34

What actual stake does he have in this country

He doesn’t own anything
His children will be with him

You have already said he is selfish.

What reasons are there for him to return or for him to return the children.

He might have a life here but he doesn’t have anything to lose once he is on that plane with his children.

bellsbuss · 28/02/2023 12:41

I would also be concerned about FGM, the risks would be too great for me and I would not allow unless court ordered

DivorcingEU · 28/02/2023 12:42

The FGM issue is HUGE.

But generally, I would not accept my kids going to my exes home country if it wasn't a signatory to The Hague Convention.

As it is, my STBX comes from a European country that is a signatory and I'm also in Europe. I've discussed it specifically with my lawyer. Even when the countries involved are signatories it's not that he stays one day extra and then the kids are returned to you. It's awful. A country that's not a signatory, then absolutely no way.

As for the FGM aspect, it's horrifically real and like a PP said it just takes a couple of female relatives and your daughter's life can be irreversibly changed. I used to live somewhere where nearly ever female had had ot done. No way would I ever take that risk.

The risk calculation for each of FGM and not returning isn't "it's only X% risk". It's anything above 0.0% is too high.

KnickerlessParsons · 28/02/2023 12:42

Right so it’s a boy and a girl but there isn’t fgm where they would be going

Even if you think you're 100% sure about that, in your shoes, I'd still be concerned. 🚩🚩🚩

laundryschmaundry · 28/02/2023 12:43

Came to raise concerns about FGM. I wouldn't let them go.

Underadandelion · 28/02/2023 12:44

My goodness OP sorry to jump on but as another PP said I would never allow my DC to be taken without me like this. This is a time for strength even if saying no is hard it's the right thing for your dc. Telling school your concerns and putting a block on their passport is good advice. The risk is too high- you need to protect them and you can only do that by keeping them in the UK, with you.

DivorcingEU · 28/02/2023 12:44

Do you mean his country and culture have zero FGM, or he's told you it's not practiced in his family, or he'd never allow it?

Only if there are no cases of it in the country and culture can you have anything to rely on here.

ClownpantsKate · 28/02/2023 12:45

Nothing to stop his mother wanting to keep the children there to “bring up properly” - nearly happened to me on a visit to see family (Caribbean not Africa).

Kennykenkencat · 28/02/2023 12:46

i mean the responses confirm my anxiety although just to add that people who know my ex think I should let him take them and deserve a break

WTF

If they know your ex then of course they are going to say this.

It isn’t their life in the line,it isn’t their children’s lives on the line.
It isn’t their children who might be horribly mutilated.

Just because FGM isn’t a thing in that area doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It just means it isn’t happening a lot.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 28/02/2023 12:46

Ask yourself these two questions OP.

What have you got to potentially lose by not letting them go?

What have you got to potentially lose by letting them go?

The risk is too big imo.

2bazookas · 28/02/2023 12:46

They'll never come back. Do you have a daughter, will she face FGM?

Original poster

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:49

Hmmm 0% fgm risk, I’m not concerned about this
i honestly don’t believe that he would leave them there. I mean despite being selfish he has already asked me for lifts to the airport etc so I do believe that they would all be returning, we were together 14 years some of that happy
there is some bias here with responses because he is African and there are news stories
he has around £50-60 k in his account that is supposed to be towards him buying a house here for him and the kids but because he is self employed it’s complicated. I used to deal with all of this so after divorce he is learning that it’s not that simple. But he is always hoarding money and not doing anything that’s just him
I do believe that he loves his children and would not harm them or jeopardise their future
we never went because initially he was an asylum seeker, this took years to sort out, then had to get a British passport, then we’re supposed to go but Covid hit
and then got divorced
does this change how people feel at all or is it still 100% would not let them go?

OP posts:

MrsJessePinkmann · 28/02/2023 12:49

Over my dead body would I let him take them.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 28/02/2023 12:51

You want us to go against our gut and reassure you with false promises. We aren’t going to do that. Let him take them. Play the roulette wheel. It’s not a gamble I’d take personally.

ClaraThePigeon · 28/02/2023 12:52

He has a life here and he will be coming back and also loves his kids and knows they have a good life here and he wouldn’t do it to them. But he can be quite selfish!

Don't bet on him not doing it to them. A friend's Syrian husband tried to pull this on her with their sons, even though this was in the midst of the civil war there. Luckily he was stopped but she almost lost her boys.

Chooksnroses · 28/02/2023 12:55

It's conventional in a lot of African countries for relatives to take on children that aren't their own. Sometimes just while parents study, etc.. I wouldn't let him take them.

lunar1 · 28/02/2023 12:55

There are many people in African countries that dont practice FGM. There are also single people who take their children to Africa every day and come back and get on with life as normal.

While he doesn't have them overnight, he is very involved in the children's lives. Does he have solid ties in the UK?

I completely understand your worries, but some of the posts on here are just blatant racism.

The overwhelming majority of African dads taking their children to see family are not planning to kidnap and mutilate them.

Original poster

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:57

Right I mean they would be going to a capital city of the country and stay with his sister and family. It’s a well developed city and people don’t practice FGM, also they are culturally fairly liberal. I don’t believe my kids would be harmed. My ex went by himself a few times and we have had contact with family often and the kids are treated well, I have no concerns about FGM, slavery, abductions. I even think I’d probably manage to find them if anything happened as have sisters Id. But I’m really not massively concerned that he would not bring them back.
so does this never happen that African dads take their kids and bring them back? Do we not just watch too much sensational news??? 🤦‍♀️ i mean the kids really want to go, shall I not listen to that as well?
not even one voice for them going?
when I say people who know him I also mean my friends

OP posts:

ClaraThePigeon · 28/02/2023 12:58

there is some bias here with responses because he is African and there are news stories

I'd say the same whether he was white or black. I'd only allow it if it was country to which the Hague Convention applied and I'd still be extremely wary and even then I wouldn't allow it if we had an antagonistic relationship or if he was incredibly selfish and doing everything possible to dissuade you from accompanying them as you described.

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