Page 13 | Letting ex take kids to africa

Onlinedater1 · 2023-02-28T12:17:08+00:00

So my ex is from a west African country, the kids are 8and 5. I’ve agreed for him to take the kids away for 3 weeks max after a long debate. I’ve never been there and they haven’t either so it would be an opportunity to meet their cousins, grandma and practice their language. I was already really anxious as he can be quite selfish and I wouldn't even know where they are exactly as people don’t have exact addresses there. I have phone numbers for his family but that’s about it. I spoke to them before but there is a language barrier. he initially said i can come as well but when I said i’d join for a week only, he said it’s too much money to pay for me just to come for a week. Also declined when I said he could apply for a visa for me just in case as it’s again waste of money. I can’t afford to go and don’t really want to. Anyway he booked them tickets for a month even though I said it’s 3 weeks max! He said it’s because the tickets were cheaper that away and he is their dad. So they will now miss 2,5 weeks school. I’m fuming. He has loads of money and hasn’t even had them for a night since moving out over a year ago. How can I trust him when he has no regard for what we agreed. I don’t want to stop them from going and don’t have money for solicitors but is there anything I can do to minimise any risk? Should I even be letting them go? they want to go, but is it worth my anxiety? should by teaching my son the phone numbers for British embassy by heart in case something happens 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ aaarghhhhh

Creepyrosemary · 02/05/2023 06:10

For how many weeks did they go?

BlooDeBloop · 02/05/2023 10:56

Happy to hear about your children's positive experiences. I'm sure it was enriching and enabled them to get to know their family and bond with them. They are very lucky children to have family from across the world and across different cultures.

I'm still fairly sure I would have not have made the same choice as you but we're all different and that is absolutely fine 🙂👍

Original poster

Onlinedater1 · 02/05/2023 11:27

They went for a month. We do have to make some scary decisions as parents and this wasn’t an easy one. They were going on motorbike taxis without helmets etc. And it’s just a different life out there. But they had a fab time going swimming, playing with their cousins and visiting places. They absolutely loved it and we talked several times a day via video and I got loads of video and photo updates so it was fine. I also knew deep down that my ex would look after them fine but this thread has made me doubt my own judgement. I think we have to think when we post on here who might be the people who post responses and what expertise they really have. I’m well travelled and a lot of the concerns people posted about really weren’t issues for me. But I imagine how it might look like for someone who doesn’t have family abroad, hasn’t travelled much and their main point of reference might be sensational news.

OP posts:

BlooDeBloop · 03/05/2023 07:00

Onlinedater1 · 02/05/2023 11:27

They went for a month. We do have to make some scary decisions as parents and this wasn’t an easy one. They were going on motorbike taxis without helmets etc. And it’s just a different life out there. But they had a fab time going swimming, playing with their cousins and visiting places. They absolutely loved it and we talked several times a day via video and I got loads of video and photo updates so it was fine. I also knew deep down that my ex would look after them fine but this thread has made me doubt my own judgement. I think we have to think when we post on here who might be the people who post responses and what expertise they really have. I’m well travelled and a lot of the concerns people posted about really weren’t issues for me. But I imagine how it might look like for someone who doesn’t have family abroad, hasn’t travelled much and their main point of reference might be sensational news.

You make good points. I don't read sensationalist news but I am not well travelled, anxious in planes, anxious when apart from my kids. When you posted for advice, although deep down you trusted the situation on offer, there was still something you were seeking. Affirmation of your gut instinct perhaps? You didn't (possibly, I'm not sure) ask close friends or family. People often ask advice from those they think will give them the answer they are seeking e.g. woman has marriage problems so goes to divorced friend who is likely to say ltb, an act she is actively entertaining. So the question is, if your gut instinct was right (and it was) why were you seeking advice? Did you doubt yourself? Were you worried about unknown unknowns and hoped the mn hive mind would clarify? Only you can truly know.

NowAAT · 03/05/2023 11:05

Onlinedater1 · 01/05/2023 17:28

Just an update that my kids went to Africa, I didn’t go and they came back fine and had an amazing time. I also had a good break so all good.

Off course they did. Well done for not listening to all the naysayers.

Lampzade · 03/05/2023 11:20

Onlinedater1 · 02/05/2023 11:27

They went for a month. We do have to make some scary decisions as parents and this wasn’t an easy one. They were going on motorbike taxis without helmets etc. And it’s just a different life out there. But they had a fab time going swimming, playing with their cousins and visiting places. They absolutely loved it and we talked several times a day via video and I got loads of video and photo updates so it was fine. I also knew deep down that my ex would look after them fine but this thread has made me doubt my own judgement. I think we have to think when we post on here who might be the people who post responses and what expertise they really have. I’m well travelled and a lot of the concerns people posted about really weren’t issues for me. But I imagine how it might look like for someone who doesn’t have family abroad, hasn’t travelled much and their main point of reference might be sensational news.

Glad your dcs had a great time
. The problem with posting on MN is that some posters don’t actually read and digest the information , they just give advice based on their own preconceived ideas
I suppose that is the risk one takes when asking for advice on an anonymous public forum

pleasehelpwi3 · 18/09/2023 17:42

Really glad to stumble on this thread.
My son has often been to East Africa with my partner when I've been in the UK. We're married so not the same situation- but it had never even crossed my mind that he wouldn't come back!
I really hope that many of those who left comments- some of which were rather hysterical- think about their inner bias. If your ex had been taking your children to Switzerland I'm sure the response would have been different.
I had thought we had got past the 'Africa is one large continent where everyone lives in a hut' mentality but clearly not. Your children will be grateful to you for enabling this trip.