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Legal matters

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Letting ex take kids to africa

307 replies

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:17

So my ex is from a west African country, the kids are 8and 5. I’ve agreed for him to take the kids away for 3 weeks max after a long debate. I’ve never been there and they haven’t either so it would be an opportunity to meet their cousins, grandma and practice their language. I was already really anxious as he can be quite selfish and I wouldn't even know where they are exactly as people don’t have exact addresses there. I have phone numbers for his family but that’s about it. I spoke to them before but there is a language barrier.
he initially said i can come as well but when I said i’d join for a week only, he said it’s too much money to pay for me just to come for a week. Also declined when I said he could apply for a visa for me just in case as it’s again waste of money. I can’t afford to go and don’t really want to.
Anyway he booked them tickets for a month even though I said it’s 3 weeks max! He said it’s because the tickets were cheaper that away and he is their dad. So they will now miss 2,5 weeks school. I’m fuming. He has loads of money and hasn’t even had them for a night since moving out over a year ago. How can I trust him when he has no regard for what we agreed. I don’t want to stop them from going and don’t have money for solicitors but is there anything I can do to minimise any risk? Should I even be letting them go?
they want to go, but is it worth my anxiety?
should by teaching my son the phone numbers for British embassy by heart in case something happens 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
aaarghhhhh

OP posts:
Kabalagala · 28/02/2023 23:38

Kennykenkencat · 28/02/2023 22:15

Even in capital cities?

Yes 100%. Not familiar with Cameroon specifically, but everywhere I have lived and traveled has been the same. Often only a few neighborhoods have proper street names and that's usually a colonial hangover. Navigation is done via landmarks, or nowadays drop pins.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 28/02/2023 23:38

Well, I have been to Nigeria twice and I think it's insane the OP wants to let her 5-year-old and 8-year-old go there without her for a month. It's totally insane. And I can't say anything about Cameroon, but Lagos was my idea of hell

So your point is of no use to OP at all. It's like me saying I've been to Moscow- never again but I can't say anything about Hungary.

Clymene · 28/02/2023 23:41

How many children do you have @TheBigWangTheory?

PreparationPreparationPrep · 28/02/2023 23:45

Navigation is done via landmarks, or nowadays drop pins.

This is changing rapidly especially in the cities. You will often see a plaque on the outside wall of a property with the registered official street name number and code. This is now frequently required for any formal transaction including Visas.

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:50

Clymene · 28/02/2023 23:41

How many children do you have @TheBigWangTheory?

27
All part European
Why?

dancinfeet · 01/03/2023 00:02

my ex threatened to take my children to his country and leave them there with his mother- he didn’t want them (as he planned to return by himself to the UK) he just didn’t want me to have them ether. Also a west african country. Tread carefully, and consider if you really trust him to bring them home again to you, there is a reason why he is your ex.

LaBellina · 01/03/2023 02:58

Absolutely no way would I let my children go to a country that didn’t sign the The Hague convention, I also would NOT be okay with letting them stay, especially not overnight, with strangers that I never met. Family or not, safeguarding rules apply.

TrudyProud · 01/03/2023 05:58

@Everyonesinvited if you can't see how you've taken a ridiculous tangent in making any correlation between OP situation and Rotherham you clearly have no sense of comprehension.

Rotherham- safeguarding issues took place in the U.K, all the organisations that let them were enhanced DBS checked employees, some of these girls were in care (once again their carers let them down), some at home (parents let them down), the Rotherham girls (as a result of institutional failures) then fell victim to peadophiles.

OP situation- DC father who until a few months ago was married to and living in the family home wants to take his DC to visit his family, ExH is excited for his children to visit the country of his birth, ExH has financial means to ensure DC have a great holiday, ExH has booked a return flight for him and the kids plus has significant ties to the U.K. ExH also offered that OP could come on the trip but potentially would need to cover her flight.

Please explain the correlation to the two scenarios?

Let's be clear OPs concern was never about Cameroon, her ex treatment of DC or anything nefarious. She was upset about the duration of the visit.

Let's also be clear if a parent wanted to abduct DC they could just as easily say we're going to furtaventura or Disney land for the weekend then absconded. This is not the case for OP.

Finally, all this spouting about The Hague convention. There have been plenty of stories of kids being spirited away by parents from the U.K. to the US and Canada. Nobody seems concerned about that.

Your comments are ridiculous and routed in racist stereotypes and statements that are spout as fact. Shame on you

TrudyProud · 01/03/2023 06:02

Well, I have been to Nigeria twice and I think it's insane the OP wants to let her 5-year-old and 8-year-old go there without her for a month. It's totally insane. And I can't say anything about Cameroon, but Lagos was my idea of hell

We'll @XelaM I've been to Paris twice and it was hellish so won't be going to Sweden...

Can you 1) see how ridiculous the statement is 2) see how your experience of lagos has no baring on how OP DC will experience Cameroon.

Everyonesinvited · 01/03/2023 08:31

TrudyProud · 01/03/2023 05:58

@Everyonesinvited if you can't see how you've taken a ridiculous tangent in making any correlation between OP situation and Rotherham you clearly have no sense of comprehension.

Rotherham- safeguarding issues took place in the U.K, all the organisations that let them were enhanced DBS checked employees, some of these girls were in care (once again their carers let them down), some at home (parents let them down), the Rotherham girls (as a result of institutional failures) then fell victim to peadophiles.

OP situation- DC father who until a few months ago was married to and living in the family home wants to take his DC to visit his family, ExH is excited for his children to visit the country of his birth, ExH has financial means to ensure DC have a great holiday, ExH has booked a return flight for him and the kids plus has significant ties to the U.K. ExH also offered that OP could come on the trip but potentially would need to cover her flight.

Please explain the correlation to the two scenarios?

Let's be clear OPs concern was never about Cameroon, her ex treatment of DC or anything nefarious. She was upset about the duration of the visit.

Let's also be clear if a parent wanted to abduct DC they could just as easily say we're going to furtaventura or Disney land for the weekend then absconded. This is not the case for OP.

Finally, all this spouting about The Hague convention. There have been plenty of stories of kids being spirited away by parents from the U.K. to the US and Canada. Nobody seems concerned about that.

Your comments are ridiculous and routed in racist stereotypes and statements that are spout as fact. Shame on you

No, shame on you.

You clearly have no regard for the risks facing British children in relation to forced marriage and FGM. Parents need to be savvy and aware, not scared of being accused of being racist. The analogy with Rotherham stands.

NowAAT · 01/03/2023 08:51

Everyonesinvited · 01/03/2023 08:31

No, shame on you.

You clearly have no regard for the risks facing British children in relation to forced marriage and FGM. Parents need to be savvy and aware, not scared of being accused of being racist. The analogy with Rotherham stands.

Off course we know there are risks. There are risks everywhere. So based on your analogy; because of such risks the children should never get to visit where they're partly from? If that were the case no one could go to Africa then.

Kabalagala · 01/03/2023 09:03

Everyonesinvited · 01/03/2023 08:31

No, shame on you.

You clearly have no regard for the risks facing British children in relation to forced marriage and FGM. Parents need to be savvy and aware, not scared of being accused of being racist. The analogy with Rotherham stands.

You can't use a news story of a few bad men from an entirely different continent as an excuse to deny children a holiday with their dad. That is so very racist.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 01/03/2023 10:37

@Everyonesinvited
Using Rotherham as a reference is racist - there are no similarities to this at all.

OP pointed out that he was from a West African country and for you because some of the perpetrators of the Rotherham case were of Asian descent. Her husband has not committed any criminal offence - he is clearly involved with his kids. There is no animosity or back story other than their marriage ended. I think it's you making it into something it isn't.

Eatentoomanyroses · 01/03/2023 10:46

The op letting them go is running a big risk of them
not being returned and her not being able to do anything about it.
They’ve only been split a short time. She’s now with someone else. He prob won’t like that. Neither will his family. It’s not inconceivable that he / they may think that the children would be better off with him and his family. As I said up thread, her going will be neither here nor there really. She still won’t be able to get them home if he decides to be awkward.
Of course it would be nice for the children to visit but to safeguard them the op needs to get proper legal advice from people who are knowledgeable like the reunite charity.

TrudyProud · 01/03/2023 10:46

Though it would be fun watching you fail at giving evidence (numbers of cases, court records etc) of the British children that have been impacted by FGM when taken to Cameroon for family holidays I'm not going to waste another moment of my time corresponding with a racist xenophobic stranger over the internet.

You are ignorant and seemingly lacking In comprehensive reasoning so it makes sense you'd be a racist who spouts racist rhetoric. I'm done with conversing with you @Everyonesinvited

Onlinedater1 · 01/03/2023 11:03

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses. It’s never black or white is it. I don’t believe my ex would ever kidnap our kids and I really don’t think this is a news story. We split up because we were incompatible and he is just focused on work and nothing else and we never saw each other. He can be stubborn and selfish eg financially but he is not dangerous or abusive.
i was invited to join them for a month but now I’m no longer invited for instance as it’s too much money. I know exactly how much he has because of divorce settlement so yeah money is not an issue for him. Everyone who knows him and us says it’s classic of him but he is not dangerous. I do not believe that he would keep the kids there and from the beginning said that FGM is not a concern but people still chose to write about it. Travelling to parts of Cameroon is also not a concern. Also physical care of kids is not my concern. My ex is now annoyed and depressed and says that I wouldn’t have a problem if this was Spain. Well I still would have a problem that we agreed 3 weeks and he would book tickets for 4 without consulting me and take the kids away from school for 2.5 instead of one week as previously agreed. If it was about moment then he should have rung me. Yes he is their dad and he is involved but has not had them for a night or not found a house because to be honest I think he is just enjoying saving money where he is and enjoying his free nights while I have to book a babysitter whenever I go out and have no savings whatsoever. His response now instead of cooperating with me is that he is going by himself then which will put me in shit with childcare. So it’s not all black or white but there is nothing to be alerting police about ok?

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 01/03/2023 11:08

I wouldn't if it's not a Hague Convention country. No way.

Everyonesinvited · 01/03/2023 13:27

TrudyProud · 01/03/2023 10:46

Though it would be fun watching you fail at giving evidence (numbers of cases, court records etc) of the British children that have been impacted by FGM when taken to Cameroon for family holidays I'm not going to waste another moment of my time corresponding with a racist xenophobic stranger over the internet.

You are ignorant and seemingly lacking In comprehensive reasoning so it makes sense you'd be a racist who spouts racist rhetoric. I'm done with conversing with you @Everyonesinvited

No, I haven't said that FGM is a concern for the OP now she's said where the children will be going so nice try but it's not landing.

Unfortunately you seem to care more about a political stance than the very real children who have been harmed so I agree, the conversation is over.

Everyonesinvited · 01/03/2023 13:40

Onlinedater1 · 01/03/2023 11:03

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses. It’s never black or white is it. I don’t believe my ex would ever kidnap our kids and I really don’t think this is a news story. We split up because we were incompatible and he is just focused on work and nothing else and we never saw each other. He can be stubborn and selfish eg financially but he is not dangerous or abusive.
i was invited to join them for a month but now I’m no longer invited for instance as it’s too much money. I know exactly how much he has because of divorce settlement so yeah money is not an issue for him. Everyone who knows him and us says it’s classic of him but he is not dangerous. I do not believe that he would keep the kids there and from the beginning said that FGM is not a concern but people still chose to write about it. Travelling to parts of Cameroon is also not a concern. Also physical care of kids is not my concern. My ex is now annoyed and depressed and says that I wouldn’t have a problem if this was Spain. Well I still would have a problem that we agreed 3 weeks and he would book tickets for 4 without consulting me and take the kids away from school for 2.5 instead of one week as previously agreed. If it was about moment then he should have rung me. Yes he is their dad and he is involved but has not had them for a night or not found a house because to be honest I think he is just enjoying saving money where he is and enjoying his free nights while I have to book a babysitter whenever I go out and have no savings whatsoever. His response now instead of cooperating with me is that he is going by himself then which will put me in shit with childcare. So it’s not all black or white but there is nothing to be alerting police about ok?

I don't know why you're even considering this when he hasn't grown visitation and the children aren't used to overnights.

Onlinedater1 · 01/05/2023 17:28

Just an update that my kids went to Africa, I didn’t go and they came back fine and had an amazing time. I also had a good break so all good.

OP posts:
TrudyProud · 01/05/2023 18:00

Onlinedater1 · 01/05/2023 17:28

Just an update that my kids went to Africa, I didn’t go and they came back fine and had an amazing time. I also had a good break so all good.

I'm so glad they had a great time, got to meet their extended African family and you a well deserved rest.

RandomMess · 01/05/2023 19:40

Hurrah for it all going smoothly and everyone benefitting from it .

NoraLuka · 01/05/2023 19:59

That’s great news, glad they enjoyed it.

Clymene · 01/05/2023 21:41

Glad to hear that

PatsyJStone · 02/05/2023 05:57

That's great! You got a lot of stick for what was ‘highly likely’ to happen, so it’s good to know it went well and most of all the kids had a good time.