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Original poster

Letting ex take kids to africa

307 replies

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 12:17

So my ex is from a west African country, the kids are 8and 5. I’ve agreed for him to take the kids away for 3 weeks max after a long debate. I’ve never been there and they haven’t either so it would be an opportunity to meet their cousins, grandma and practice their language. I was already really anxious as he can be quite selfish and I wouldn't even know where they are exactly as people don’t have exact addresses there. I have phone numbers for his family but that’s about it. I spoke to them before but there is a language barrier.
he initially said i can come as well but when I said i’d join for a week only, he said it’s too much money to pay for me just to come for a week. Also declined when I said he could apply for a visa for me just in case as it’s again waste of money. I can’t afford to go and don’t really want to.
Anyway he booked them tickets for a month even though I said it’s 3 weeks max! He said it’s because the tickets were cheaper that away and he is their dad. So they will now miss 2,5 weeks school. I’m fuming. He has loads of money and hasn’t even had them for a night since moving out over a year ago. How can I trust him when he has no regard for what we agreed. I don’t want to stop them from going and don’t have money for solicitors but is there anything I can do to minimise any risk? Should I even be letting them go?
they want to go, but is it worth my anxiety?
should by teaching my son the phone numbers for British embassy by heart in case something happens 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
aaarghhhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:58

TrudyProud · 28/02/2023 19:55

The racism and dog whistling on this thread is appalling. If you don't trust your ex or his culture you shouldn't have had kids with him @Onlinedater1 .
I'm of Nigerian heritage and know and love my culture. It's ridiculous that you wouldn't allow your children to experience that side of their heritage.

People who enter mixed race, mixed culture or mixed ethnicity relationships need to have the expectation that any children that result from it have a right to immerse themselves in that experience. If you can't bear the thought of it don't mix FFS.

He has lied to me before and has not adhered to our agreement 3 weeks
so he has himself to blame
however I told him I wanted the kids to go to Cameroon and tried to negotiate but not got anywhere

OP posts:
Clymene · 28/02/2023 20:00

TrudyProud · 28/02/2023 19:55

The racism and dog whistling on this thread is appalling. If you don't trust your ex or his culture you shouldn't have had kids with him @Onlinedater1 .
I'm of Nigerian heritage and know and love my culture. It's ridiculous that you wouldn't allow your children to experience that side of their heritage.

People who enter mixed race, mixed culture or mixed ethnicity relationships need to have the expectation that any children that result from it have a right to immerse themselves in that experience. If you can't bear the thought of it don't mix FFS.

Oh don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't allow my kids' dad to take my 5 and 8 year olds away for a month.

No matter where he's from
No matter what his skin colour is

itwasntmetho · 28/02/2023 20:02

TrudyProud · 28/02/2023 19:55

The racism and dog whistling on this thread is appalling. If you don't trust your ex or his culture you shouldn't have had kids with him @Onlinedater1 .
I'm of Nigerian heritage and know and love my culture. It's ridiculous that you wouldn't allow your children to experience that side of their heritage.

People who enter mixed race, mixed culture or mixed ethnicity relationships need to have the expectation that any children that result from it have a right to immerse themselves in that experience. If you can't bear the thought of it don't mix FFS.

I think that's really harsh, having a baby with a man from an African country does not mean you should have to not see your 5 year old for a whole month.

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 20:05

It's not a bit harsh. You can't have children that are half African and deny them their heritage. Or you bloody shouldn't, at least.

He's their parent just as much as OP. I imagine she wouldn't be happy if he tried to ban them meeting or ever seeing her family. They have a right to both of their cultures and both sides of their heritage.

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 20:10

The only think is when I take my kids away he is fully consulted as to dates, has addresses of places and it’s never for longer than 2 weeks. I want nothing more than for him to take the kids just adhere to what we agreed and make feel safe and secure. I was planning actually to take my new boyfriend to meet my family in my home country as need to go there anyway and sounds like now I’ll be taking my kids instead
and trust me I’ve done nothing know than encourage his culture, I take them to an African festival every year, they go to a Saturday language school, I buy African books and always encourage him to be with the kids. I would love nothing more than for him to get an effing house and have them overnight and to take them to Cameroon so I could get an effing break and for them to meet their grandma and cousins. all I’m asking is adhere to what was agreed not just think about yourself

OP posts:
Pearlygates · 28/02/2023 20:12

itwasntmetho · 28/02/2023 20:02

I think that's really harsh, having a baby with a man from an African country does not mean you should have to not see your 5 year old for a whole month.

Show quote history

It’s not harsh at all. People on here are more worried about her daughter getting mutilated than the possibility of OP’s ex doing a runner which is insane to me. People hear Africa and automatically connected the dots to FGM without knowing shite hole about it. So much misinformation on this thread regarding FGM. It’s ridiculous really. I totally agree with @TrudyProud

I’ve seen a few people on here actually giving OP decent advice but the rest is smelling like stereotype, bias and racism to me.

I do get concerns about being away from the kids for 4 weeks but that’s not even OP’s concern based on what shes said.

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 28/02/2023 20:12

I am of bi-national background and while I agree that there is a ridiculous amount of racism on this thread I also think there are red flags, namely the fact that he unilaterally and without consultation changed the length of time of the trip, he also appears to change the narrative as to why you should or should not come with him.
The FGM and foreign office bits on the thread are blatantly racist and ignorant, so are the views and assumptions about refugees /asylum issues.
However the problem is that there is a risk and that one parent taking children to a country that is not signatory to the de Hague convention relative soon after a relationship has broken down is a risk only you can assess.
I get it that he wants to allow the children to meet extended family erc - would it be possible to meet in a third country at least for the first time. So you could go with them and it is for a shorter time?

itwasntmetho · 28/02/2023 20:12

The 5 year old might not even remember it for that long, my ex was Zambian he took his DD to Zambia when she was in infants school, she only vaguely remembers it at 14.

Whiskeypowers · 28/02/2023 20:13

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 19:46

A solicitor will charge me and telle about prohibited steps order if I have concerns. There are some other possible arrangements which are all costly eg orders where he needs to leave money with court as deposit etc

Show quote history

It was a loaded question since I know

you cannot afford to be so casual and trusting.

Whiskeypowers · 28/02/2023 20:15

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 20:05

It's not a bit harsh. You can't have children that are half African and deny them their heritage. Or you bloody shouldn't, at least.

He's their parent just as much as OP. I imagine she wouldn't be happy if he tried to ban them meeting or ever seeing her family. They have a right to both of their cultures and both sides of their heritage.

its not about denying their heritage it’s about the OP not having any legal recourse if he decides to just never return

Your making it about some posters being racist doesn’t change that fact

Clymene · 28/02/2023 20:16

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 20:05

It's not a bit harsh. You can't have children that are half African and deny them their heritage. Or you bloody shouldn't, at least.

He's their parent just as much as OP. I imagine she wouldn't be happy if he tried to ban them meeting or ever seeing her family. They have a right to both of their cultures and both sides of their heritage.

Of course they do. And if you can find a single post saying that they shouldn't, you should report it.

Shoemadlady · 28/02/2023 20:18

I'm not you know him and your history and your gut instinct alarm bells are ringing for a reason. Pease do not ignore them, this is a huge risk.
I really hope I'm way off the mark, but if your children are girls the risk is higher if he's from a region of Africa that practices FGM.

Pearlygates · 28/02/2023 20:19

Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 20:10

The only think is when I take my kids away he is fully consulted as to dates, has addresses of places and it’s never for longer than 2 weeks. I want nothing more than for him to take the kids just adhere to what we agreed and make feel safe and secure. I was planning actually to take my new boyfriend to meet my family in my home country as need to go there anyway and sounds like now I’ll be taking my kids instead
and trust me I’ve done nothing know than encourage his culture, I take them to an African festival every year, they go to a Saturday language school, I buy African books and always encourage him to be with the kids. I would love nothing more than for him to get an effing house and have them overnight and to take them to Cameroon so I could get an effing break and for them to meet their grandma and cousins. all I’m asking is adhere to what was agreed not just think about yourself

OK, have a conversation with your Ex and express your desires about boundaries. I suggest you come off this thread if you truly have no concerns about him mutilating your daughter or running away with them cuz tbh it’s not helping you not one bit but increasing your anxiety.

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 20:21

Clymene · 28/02/2023 20:16

Of course they do. And if you can find a single post saying that they shouldn't, you should report it.

Show quote history

I don't think you've read any of the thread

Clymene · 28/02/2023 20:26

I've read the whole thread. Been on it since the beginning @TheBigWangTheory

Can you point to a post which says the OP should deny her children their Cameroonian heritage (Africa is a continent, not a country), and ban them from meeting their relatives there?

googledidnthelp · 28/02/2023 20:33

I mean I can't imagine being in your.m shoes but I would be heartbroken if my mum hadn't let my dad take me and my brother away when we were kids. Granted the circumstances were different but if you have a decent relationship with him and know he has the kids best interests at heart then I would let them go with some conditions.

Like seeing the confirmed flights and boarding passes for both outbound and inbound.

An itinerary if he is staying with more than one family member.

Giving the eldest a basic pay as you go phone you can call at any time.

Lots of things I'm sure you could do to help minimise your anxiety.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 28/02/2023 20:34

You know your husband OP and the relationship he has with his children.

I would suggest look closer to get the addresses. now you can see everything on google maps/ street view, yes they even reach far flung places like Africa.

Check the visa forms for contact details of the host he has named
Keep copies of the kids passports.

You can speak to the kids every day if you wish . Watsapp reaches West Africa

My only concern is that they take precautions for malaria and are staying in suitable air condition accommodation. And wearing appropriate clothing at night for heat / mosquitoes

You are friends with his sister so through her you can get closer to the family the kids are staying with and keep in touch. Just for your own sanity and not because I think they will be abused!

I am not sure where they are going but some tribes are patrilineal so it wouldn't be unusual for him to bring his children alone to see their family. I am sure he is proud of them and just wants them to meet his family. They will have a nice time and will be spoilt in a good way.

I hope you come back to this thread to tell us the outcome and whether he kidnapped them or brought them back.

Casdentwo · 28/02/2023 20:38

Can I ask if he's an asylum seeker/now accepted and safe here why on earth is he returning to his original country if he had to leave for presumably his life??

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 20:41

Casdentwo · 28/02/2023 20:38

Can I ask if he's an asylum seeker/now accepted and safe here why on earth is he returning to his original country if he had to leave for presumably his life??

Oh bless.
He didn;t actually have any problems in his home country.

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 28/02/2023 20:42

Casdentwo · 28/02/2023 20:38

Can I ask if he's an asylum seeker/now accepted and safe here why on earth is he returning to his original country if he had to leave for presumably his life??

Presumably because the situation and the risk in his home country has changed ofer the last fifteen to twenty years so risk is lower and he misses his home and his family.
It really is extremely normal and not uncommon.
Also having a western passport gives a certain degree of protection as well as an element of certainty that you can leave easily.

Original poster
Onlinedater1 · 28/02/2023 20:54

PreparationPreparationPrep · 28/02/2023 20:34

You know your husband OP and the relationship he has with his children.

I would suggest look closer to get the addresses. now you can see everything on google maps/ street view, yes they even reach far flung places like Africa.

Check the visa forms for contact details of the host he has named
Keep copies of the kids passports.

You can speak to the kids every day if you wish . Watsapp reaches West Africa

My only concern is that they take precautions for malaria and are staying in suitable air condition accommodation. And wearing appropriate clothing at night for heat / mosquitoes

You are friends with his sister so through her you can get closer to the family the kids are staying with and keep in touch. Just for your own sanity and not because I think they will be abused!

I am not sure where they are going but some tribes are patrilineal so it wouldn't be unusual for him to bring his children alone to see their family. I am sure he is proud of them and just wants them to meet his family. They will have a nice time and will be spoilt in a good way.

I hope you come back to this thread to tell us the outcome and whether he kidnapped them or brought them back.

That’s all great suggestions thank you, I’ll speak to him again tomorrow

OP posts:
JimmyJimmyJimmy · 28/02/2023 20:54

Let them go. Not every ex who takes their kids to a foreign country is going to kidnap them. From what OP has said he sounds like an involved dad and the risk is non exsistnent. Do get an address and make sure they register with the British consulate that they are in the country

Fladdermus · 28/02/2023 21:07

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 28/02/2023 20:12

I am of bi-national background and while I agree that there is a ridiculous amount of racism on this thread I also think there are red flags, namely the fact that he unilaterally and without consultation changed the length of time of the trip, he also appears to change the narrative as to why you should or should not come with him.
The FGM and foreign office bits on the thread are blatantly racist and ignorant, so are the views and assumptions about refugees /asylum issues.
However the problem is that there is a risk and that one parent taking children to a country that is not signatory to the de Hague convention relative soon after a relationship has broken down is a risk only you can assess.
I get it that he wants to allow the children to meet extended family erc - would it be possible to meet in a third country at least for the first time. So you could go with them and it is for a shorter time?

How is it blatantly racist to share Foreign Office advice on travelling to a country that the OP is raising concerns about her children travelling to?

Pearfacebananapoop · 28/02/2023 21:10

I'm not quite sure why you are asking as you don't seem to share any concerns. Is it purely the 4 weeks you are worried about being too long? Is it in term time or school hols?

NowAAT · 28/02/2023 21:13

Clymene · 28/02/2023 20:26

I've read the whole thread. Been on it since the beginning @TheBigWangTheory

Can you point to a post which says the OP should deny her children their Cameroonian heritage (Africa is a continent, not a country), and ban them from meeting their relatives there?

It doesn’t need to be said word for word does it? some of us can read between the lines.

I’ve seen posts on here saying that OP should flat out never let them visit Cameroon no matter the length of time. I’ve also seen posts saying that even if she goes along with them, that’s not gonna stop dad from stealing them or stop daughter from getting mutilated. I’ve seen posts on here saying kids or OP shouldn’t go because Cameroon is dangerous, full of diseases. The whole lot.

I mean what more do you want?

So if they can’t ever visit due to the reasons above, when can they visit? When they’re 30 and for how long?

Anyways OP, let us know in a couple of weeks (if you want to) when kids are back home.

Peace to all 🙏