Page 3 | Social services involvement ?

Cari4 · 2020-06-20T15:42:26+00:00

Hi I'm stuck as where to go for help. I have a partner who is in prison for a domestic violence offence and he's been there for the last 4 years. I know he will have social services involved due to his offence but will social services need to tell her father of my children and school? He is going to be attending relationship groups and is attending rehab for his past alcohol issues. Please can someone help me with some advice.

Rembrandt · 20/06/2020 17:25

He's going to rehab done courses on counselling had private counselling and is 4 years sober

He's been sober for 4 years because he's been in prison.

Is your need to be a rescuer really worth the risk of losing your children?

kazzer2867 · 20/06/2020 17:27

He has previous violence offences but not against his ex partner. I know it can seem that it is a silly choice and I understand.

Are you joking? I'm sorry, but are you for real. He has previous violent offences and has currently been in prison for 4 years for the violence committed against his ex-partner and you want to be in a relationship with him. I feel sorry for your children and I sincerely hope social services tell the father of your children and their school. If I was the father of your children, I would be judging how responsible a parent you are. It's hard for me to be shocked, but I am disgusted that you would seriously be considering having a relationship with someone like this.

NC4Now · 20/06/2020 17:28

If he’s been there four years already he was sentenced to at least eight, as half a sentence is served on licence.
He isn’t telling you the whole truth about his past and can’t possibly show you he’s changed from prison.
If you want to research, I suggest you start with some DV counselling for yourself to learn appropriate boundaries.

stayclosetoyourself · 20/06/2020 17:28

Could the children live with their father instead of you? Is that what you want?

You are in cloud cuckoo land. Get a grip.

mymadworld · 20/06/2020 17:28

Do yourself and your children a favour and stop this lunacy now before it develops any further and whilst he's still safely locked away in prison. Even if he comes out a reformed man (which I highly doubt given this wasn't a one-off/ first time violent act) SS will certainly be involved if he is exposed to your children and their school/father will rightly be informed. You are at serious risk of losing your children if not now then in the future - if I was their father I would fight for sole custody in a heartbeat. And then there's the stigma (& people will find out no question)- do you want your kids to be excluded from parties and friendship groups? Because there's no way in hell my kids would be having play dates with a child if their mother was in a relationship with a convicted repeat violent offender.
Please stop living in a dream world thinking you will be this man's saviour and with your love and help he will somehow have a lovely life become a wonderful partner and father. He won't.

Incidentally, have your done any investigating to see the actual charges or a request under any of the laws that allow you information to protect yourself and your children? Please tell me you're not basing your knowledge on his word. Words fail me on every count.

mumwon · 20/06/2020 17:28

why do women get involved with someone with this kind of history -honest question
Op have you been alone with your dc for sometime? Was your past relationship one where your partner was unreliable - did you have an unstable family background? This is not a criticism I am genuinely trying to see why you would run this risk - bluntly op you could do better, safer. You aren't asocial worker & you have no support for you doing this when things go wrong

PanamaPattie · 20/06/2020 17:29

This is not going to end well OP. He is playing you. He will not change. Do not be his next victim.

Hormonecrazyhell · 20/06/2020 17:30

Wow! Just wow, of course Ss will have to be involved, of course they will inform your children’s other parent and school. Just don’t do it fgs, put your children first

Original poster

Cari4 · 20/06/2020 17:33

I have had a bad family upbringing and unstable relationships. But my children are safe and happy and I've never had any previous involvement with social services. I just want to believe people can change :( I haven't had the answer I was hoping for and I am going to think about my situation and speak to him about it. He's very open about the fact he doesn't know why I am with him

OP posts:

GinnyStrupac · 20/06/2020 17:36

4 years sober

In prison.

In any event, alcohol is not the reason for the violence, although it can be a contributory factor. It is certainly often used as an excuse.

CodenameVillanelle · 20/06/2020 17:37

Maybe people can change. So what? You don't give people with violent criminal pasts the chance to demonstrate they have changed on your children. It's not worth the risk.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 20/06/2020 17:37

You do realise don't you that if you pursue a relationship with this man it will ultimately result in you losing your children? It's your job to protect them from men like this, not bring violent men into their sphere. I can't believe you are even considering this. What is wrong with you?

HeyBlaby · 20/06/2020 17:37

Must have done some damage to get 4 years...

Splitsunrise · 20/06/2020 17:38

If this is real then god you are a truly awful mother. Who would knowingly get involve with someone in prison for 4 YEARS for dv?! Are you really ok knowing that you're 100% putting your needs ahead of your kids?

The fact you can't see this I'm sure has a lot to do with your 'bad family upbringing and unstable relationships'. You should get some counselling to work out why you are unable to see this clearly.

And yes social services should definitely be involved if he gets out and goes anywhere near you and your kids. Disgusting.

PegasusReturns · 20/06/2020 17:39

Do you know the facts of the “one off DV”?

I used to be a criminal lawyer. Men do not get 4 year plus sentences for anything other than the most horrifyingly violent attacks on partners.

He likely used a weapon and kept her prisoner. It will almost certainly have been a sustained attack. She will have suffered serious injury and probably permanent damage. There were possibly child witnesses.

Think about all of that. How can you bear to even think about a relationship with him?!

buildingbridge · 20/06/2020 17:39

4 years in jail for DV? It must have been really bad.

Most men who comment DA do not even get that!!

I don't feel jealous for you at all OP.

sallievp · 20/06/2020 17:40

Have some self respect and consideration for your children and finish it!

ratethesenames · 20/06/2020 17:40

I really do hope that social services would inform the children's father that their mother is in a relationship with someone so violent that he went to prison for 4 years.
You're a fool.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 20/06/2020 17:40

Put your children first. It’s your duty as a mother to protect your children, stop thinking with your vagina and use your head. A violent criminal is not the way to go. 🙄

Lysianthus · 20/06/2020 17:40

@Cari4

I have had a bad family upbringing and unstable relationships. But my children are safe and happy and I've never had any previous involvement with social services. I just want to believe people can change :( I haven't had the answer I was hoping for and I am going to think about my situation and speak to him about it. He's very open about the fact he doesn't know why I am with him

He doesn’t know why I am with him..... And neither do we. Please please forget about him, and concentrate on being a good role model to your kids.

mymadworld · 20/06/2020 17:40

No no no you don't need to speak to him you need to stop all contact now. You are vulnerable and given your own troubled upbringing you are absolutely not in the right place to be this man's rescuer (the only people helping someone like this are highly skilled and qualified professionals with no emotional attachment) .
If you really must tell him it's over then do it by letter and be absolutely and unequivocally final in your decision and ask for no further contact. If your children don't have the poor start in life that you had then don't for fucks sake change that by getting involved with this man - break the cycle, get some counselling for your own self-esteem and self-worth and be a positive role model for your children.

Lifeisforliving123 · 20/06/2020 17:41

Are u struggling with your weight and concerned you wont meet anyone else? Is this why u want someone whom is looking for moral support and a easy ride when he gets out?

Lifeisforliving123 · 20/06/2020 17:41

I think u need to work on your confidence u can meet a better man than this.

mymadworld · 20/06/2020 17:43

@PegasusReturns

Do you know the facts of the “one off DV”?

I used to be a criminal lawyer. Men do not get 4 year plus sentences for anything other than the most horrifyingly violent attacks on partners.

He likely used a weapon and kept her prisoner. It will almost certainly have been a sustained attack. She will have suffered serious injury and probably permanent damage. There were possibly child witnesses.

Think about all of that. How can you bear to even think about a relationship with him?!

If you ignore all other posts then please read, read and then reread this one. Terrifying.

pooopypants · 20/06/2020 17:43

"I've had a bad family upbringing and unstable relationships"

This, to me, says it all. He's selected you as his next victim as he sees you as supplicant, pliable, mouldable. He'll treat you like shit and move on. Or be locked up again.

As PP have said, if he's doing 4 years, that's no first offence, he's lying to you. And / or he's done something bloody horrendous to his ex.

If he's been banged up for 4 years and they only split a year ago, that tells me that she was still under his control and only managed to get away 3 years after he was imprisoned.

He's been sober for 4 years.. OP, you cannot be that deluded to think that this was voluntary - he's been sober because he hasn't been able to get alcohol in prison. One thing that I can tell you about alcoholics: forced sobriety does not last.

Do yourself and your kids a massive favour - block and delete. He'll bring nothing but misery and pain to your lives.

I hope that you take serious note of some of the advice given to you here so that you and your DC don't end up another statistic.