Social services involvement ?

[Cari4]

Hi I'm stuck as where to go for help. I have a partner who is in prison for a domestic violence offence and he's been there for the last 4 years. I know he will have social services involved due to his offence but will social services need to tell her father of my children and school? He is going to be attending relationship groups and is attending rehab for his past alcohol issues. Please can someone help me with some advice.

Would you think it was ok for social services to get involved with YOUR children because their father was exposing them to a dangerous person and they didn't tell YOU?
I highly doubt it. Of course they must tell their father and depending on the level of risk they may tell the school without asking your permission.

Starting a relationship with a man who is in prison for a violent offence when you have kids is the stupidest thing any woman can do. Please wise up.

Yes I'm sure they will be involved.

I had a relative who met a man who was in prison, similar charges, DV. My relative had a 10 year old.

When released, the man went to live with my relative.

SS were involved and they gave my relative a choice - if the man stays in her home or even crosses the threshold, her children will be removed.

Her son went to live with his grandmother because the fucking scum bag what is his mother put the man first.

She is no longer a part of our family. When she broke up with the man a few years later and wanted to make amends with her son, he didn't want to know and I can't blame him.

He's been in prison for 4 years, and he only split with his last partner a year ago... How is he your partner now? You can't have built a relationship to "partner" level through prison visits alone
He won't have social services involvement when he's released - you will if you allow him into your kid's lives.
Why would you do this?? The fact that you hope to keep it from your children's father is grotesque, you know perfectly well he'd object to his children living with this man. And why.

Social services will definitely be involved. Expect your children to be put on a Child In Need plan.

If you don't want your children's father or the school to be notified of the situation - it would suggest that he is not a suitable partner and that you are aware of this.

You are putting yourself and your children at risk. Wake up.

I hope for your children’s sake social services are involved!

OP this isn't going to go well...

Of course ss should be involved. If not for your safety then certainly for your children. If you don't want them involved, then do the right thing and put your kids first and walk away. If he's been in prison for 4 years then it must've been a serious offence that he committed, and I'm sorry, but with DV it's almost never a one-off.

Seriously op, make better choices. It may have been his first domestic violence offence (but I imagine it was an extremely serious attack) but he has previous convictions for violence. This man won't bring anything good to your life.
Look at it this way, is he more important than your kids?

I was a DV advisor for 11 years.

Yes social services may become involved. Yes the father will be advised of the relationship and maybe school.

You say only one incident with ex partner. I'd be surprised.

His previous offences are not to do with her, but other things. So he's been an habitual law breaker...

I get what you're saying about his life and you've known each other for years. But this is a man with problems and it takes years for people to get over problems like that, and you don't know how committed to the process he will be.

Until he's done that work, his habitual responses will be as he has so far demonstrated, and that's why he poses you and your children risks.

Be careful xxx

Of course it's his first offence 🙄 and he'd never do it to you so why should SS get involved?

Come on, of course they should be involved and the father should know who you are getting involved with if it poses a risk and it clearly does!

Also if in prison for 4 years then every chance his jail sentence was actually longer as often 50 % released on licence

It would be interesting to know what actual offence he has been convicted of. There is definitely more to this than meets the eye. He will be coming out on licence by the sounds of it so Probation and Children’s Services will undoubtably be involved. Probation WILL notify Children’s Services and may even look to prohibit his contact with children.

@somethingtosay
Thank you. He has been putting in the work for 4 years since the incident. The commitment is there to change. I want to give him the space to be able to prove to the world he's changed. I can do that at a back seat I just want to be that support network for him. Not full on relationship and introducing kids etc. I know I might seem naive but I've done so much research to make it safe but allow someone the opportunity to change

If your ex was involved with someone who was in prison for DV and the children lived with him, don’t you agree that you would have had the right to know about it?

He is stringing you a line OP.
If you have no regard for yourself, at least think of your children.

but I've done so much research to make it safe
Such as? .

I work in this area, although I'm not a social worker.

Yes, SS will become involved.

There will probably be meetings to discuss the risk to your children. You, your partner and your children's father will be invited to some of these meetings, so yes he will be involved. Professionals are also invited to these meetings such as a school teacher, GP and a probation worker.

There could also be meetings that are only for professionals such as your children's SW, school teacher and your partner's probation/support worker. I'm these meetings they will openly and honestly discuss the risk to the children and any solution they seem necessary.

In short, to answer your question, yes. Your children's father and school and any other professional SS think should be informed will be told.

If SS think the risk to the children are high enough they will give you a choice. Seeing your partner (even if he doesn't live with you and you say you never allow him around your child) or your child. Think very carefully about your decision moving forward.

He's going to rehab done courses on counselling had private counselling and is 4 years sober

I've done so much research to make it safe
Yet completely forgotten to ensure your children are safe

Fucks safe given your head a wobble. Your kids will end up with 'troubled lives' themselves if he's part of their childhood along with a mother who can't prioritise their safety.

I want to give him the space to be able to prove to the world he's changed.
This is utter nonsense. He can show the world whatever he chooses to without you offering him a platform (and your children) from which to do it.

As you want some advice and support maybe your starting point if you haven't done so already would be to be proactive and request a full Claire's Law disclosure so you know exactly what the authorities believe of your partner. Then when you speak so anyone from social care you can show you are taking it seriously and have looked into things yourself not just taken your partner's word for things.

Do you think you will be the one to save him, OP, to change him? That it will be different with you? Many women have thought this, and suffered badly for it.

You say you intend to take it slowly. If it was one DV offence after 16 years, are you content to know that might be in your life too, at some point in the future, perhaps if ever you try to break up with him - and in your DD's?

What are you saying to your DD about your self esteem and what example are you setting her? Would you be happy if she ends up with a man like this in her future?

This is a man who uses violence, and not just with one previous partner once. What is the attraction?

I did just want some advice on moving forward
In the opposite direction to this man, for you and your DD's sake.

He wrote to you because he thinks you are a soft touch.

If he wants to prove to the world that he’s changed, he can do that without you.
If his ability to prove to the world that he’s changed depends on being in a relationship with you/ someone, then there’s not much hope for him is there.

@Cari4

He's going to rehab done courses on counselling had private counselling and is 4 years sober

4 years sober?? He's been incarcerated for that time, ffs!! So he has substance abuse issues too... It's actually hard to believe anyone can be quite this dim.