Social services involvement ?

[Cari4]

Hi I'm stuck as where to go for help. I have a partner who is in prison for a domestic violence offence and he's been there for the last 4 years. I know he will have social services involved due to his offence but will social services need to tell her father of my children and school? He is going to be attending relationship groups and is attending rehab for his past alcohol issues. Please can someone help me with some advice.

He has been in prison for 4 years for a one off dv incident?! Must have been a hell of an incident to get that kind of time. You will be putting your children at risk, it’s negligent. Don’t do it.

Unless OP you want an early death or you want your children to go into care. Go ahead. I cannot even believe this is a question.

I hope they do get involved. Because it's not going to end well. Can't you put your children first? Dear Lord.

He's very open about the fact that he doesn't know why I am with him

Nor do I, but he is playing you.

So, after your troubled upbringing, you have turned things around for yourself and for your own children? If that's the case, you deserve a lot of credit. You broke the cycle for yourself and your DC. Why are you now wanting to throw away the progress you have made? Having a relationship with him is turning back towards a troubled life. Do you want that again for yourself? For your children - so they go on to have a troubled life too? Or, potentially to lose their mum to hospital or worse?

I went on the Freedom Programme a few years ago and met women like you. They prioritised their relationship with an abuser over their children and some lost their children forever.

Do the freedom programme and give this man the boot. It's not up to you to save him.

No SS wont keep secrets on your behalf so you can save face. Tell the children's father? I should think they would be suggesting he seek custody as you want to get into a relationship with a convicted abuser. The school will also know as will the GP. You are incredibly naive and perpetuating violence against women. If women actually took other women seriously rather than believing every dickhead with a cock perhaps we would start to get somewhere.

I am assuming he will come out on license to serve the remainder of his sentence so he will be allocated a probation worker who will ask him questions like “are you in a relationship” “ is X aware of your offences” “ does X have children” normally at every probation visit. If they find out he is in a relationship where children are involved professionals will be made aware and dependant on the risk he poses depends on the outcome. If you have knowingly entered into a relationship with an abuser and not acted to safeguard your children, your ability to protect your children will be heavily called into question.

Your priority is to safeguard your children not help someone who you have known all your life because you think he is a good person.

Lots of people make great progress when they are in prison (counselling, substance abuse programmes, anger management etc) however that does not always mean they are going to continue to make great progress when they are out of prison and slip back into learned behaviours.

The prison sentence that he got (which I’m assuming is 8 years and he’s out in 4 on license) makes me think that the assault on his ex partner was vicious and given that he had a criminal record before shows that he is unable to learn from his mistakes and make changes to his life.

If I was talking to your children’s father as a SW (which I am) I would be advising him to get a solicitor and start proceedings to have full custody of your children.

He's been sober for 4 years because he's been in prison.

Prisons are awash with moonshine and all manner of drugs. It’s all very easily available. As are mobile phones.

For that very reason, I’d be very sceptical indeed about his claim that he sobered up the moment he was banged up.

Of course social services would be involved; you would be putting your children at risk by getting together which such a violent man.

You need to put your children first.

Are you prepared to risk losing your children? Even if the risk is small?

Given the serious nature of his offence you are not sure how SS will react. They may immediately decide you are putting the children at too much risk. You will NOT know the full facts, they will so will act accordingly and it could be quick.

If you are ashamed that school and the children's father know then it is the wrong relationship. You are choosing to bring SS into the children's lives for a man that is currently in prison.

Please love your children more, they deserve better.

It is so depressing to read as it shows why dysfunctional childhoods continue because mums & dads refuse to break the cycle. Get counselling, do the Freedom program as you don't have good enough boundaries.

I am truly sorry for your childhood but don't risk your children's childhood for a violent, addicted man. He will not be the same on the outside as he is in prison.

Bad choice.

If he needs councilling to understand it's wrong to smash a partners skull off the mantel, that's a sign!

Your obviously vulnerable which is what these people pick up on and focus on what they know are your weaknesses.

If you haven't had a good male role model growing up to provide an example of what a good choice looks like trust me on this, this isn't it.

OP if your plan is to be some arms-length support system friend something-or-other, hardly ever meeting up, how would any of the authorities know about you?

Be honest with yourself. You’re talking about a relationship. What kind of help specifically is he gonna coercing from you? What will this look like?

Probation will look into his living circumstances and relationships. Social Services will investigate. They will speak to the school. Your ex will be told. You might easily lose custody of your DC.

What’s so special about this serially violent man that you have to prioritise him over your children? What fantasies are you clinging to about him, you, whatever? How long have you known him? What unresolved business is there between you?

@Cari4

Oh dear. The subject has been aired but the feeling that comes across to me is that no one probably knows the past truth.

When he is released [early usually] he will have conditions attached like staying in a half way house/hostel. The problem that I see is - of course - all the other residents will be "criminals". SS will be involved and they may well find out the truth of the DV in the past.

There have been cases where the option given I'm afraid is "if he is involved your children will be removed" It's possible if unlikely.

My own suggestion is to be proactive and approach SS yourself. Go through the options with them so that they can see that you are acting responsibly.

@PegasusReturns @mymadworld

Thank goodness ...

OP you’ve had the benefit of a lot of experienced women here - social workers, lawyers, DV workers and people who have experience of DV.
Every single one says it’s a terrible idea to be involved with this man. Not one suggests a way it can be made safe.
I know it isn’t the response you were looking for but I really hope it has given you perspective.

Your number one priority is your children. Number two is you. You’ve had a tough time and need to work on your boundaries and self esteem.
You can have a great life with your children and break the cycle, but not with him.

Of all the men in the world, why this one?

Christ, reading your posts give me the chills. He is playing you 100%. If I knew you in real life I'd be reporting you to SS myself, if only to protect your children and save you from making a massive mistake.

Op knows perfectly well it's a terrible idea, or she wouldn't have asked if social services would basically collude with her to keep it under wraps.
As if
But she'll probably do it anyway, and another set of kid's lives will be fucked up beyond repair

Social services will do what is in the best interests of your children, so that will include making others involved with your children they could be at risk from this man. You have a choice in this matter. You can choose a relationship with this man, who could pose a risk to your children or you can choose to ensure you protect your children by not being in a relationship. You have to decide who is more important and accept if you choose to see this man it is inevitable Social Services will need to be involved.

Op I can solve this for you. If he is released on license then a condition of his license will be that he must declare any new relationships (with kids or not) to his probation officer. They will refer in your children to ss no question about it. If he doesn't declare your relationship he has breached and will be recalled to prison,

I am a sw and I deal with this shit all the time.

Incidentally one of my clients got 2 years for violence/harassment/arson toward an ex partner so what the hell your chap did to get 4 I dread to think.

As a sw I would have serious concerns about your ability to protect your children from your partners.

I have had a bad family upbringing and unstable relationships. But my children are safe and happy and I've never had any previous involvement with social services

So, you are doing really well OP. You have done brilliantly to make sure that your kids did not have the childhood you did.

And your optimism and belief in change is also for the good.

BUT you must not risk yourself and your kids in order to support this man. It isn’t worth it,

And it isn’t a case of whether SS are involved but your own emotional safety. (But yes, they will be involved and if I was your kids’ father I would be seeking Residence if you took this on).

It may be that your difficult upbringing has left you with skewed judgment about boundaries and risk.

There will be people who can help and support him, but it shouldn’t be you.

WAit til He has been out 3 years, then see if he is sober and drug free, emotionally stable and making good choices.

You’ve worked hard to give your kids stability. Don’t take risks. Because apart from anything else the fact that you are even thinking of doing this shows that you are not strong Or boundaried enough to look after yourself. So if it all went wrong it could be very badly wrong. For example, no, don’t discuss this with him, you have nothing to justify. Just tell him you are not and will not be in a relationship with him.

advice on moving forward
That's easy; don't.
I got involved with a man who had been inside and it nearly ruined mine and my children's lives.

I've done so much research to make it safe

All this effort you’re going to, to give this woman beater a shag for a few months when he gets out. And you couldn’t give a flying fuck about the impact of this on your child.

What’s so special about this man that it trumps your child?