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Original poster

Social services involvement ?

181 replies

Cari4 · 20/06/2020 16:42

Hi I'm stuck as where to go for help. I have a partner who is in prison for a domestic violence offence and he's been there for the last 4 years. I know he will have social services involved due to his offence but will social services need to tell her father of my children and school? He is going to be attending relationship groups and is attending rehab for his past alcohol issues. Please can someone help me with some advice.

OP posts:
user1972548274 · 20/06/2020 20:32

I hope this is a wind up because if not you are a terrible mother and it will be a blessing if social services intervene to protect your children from you.

If you are real, then it's quite obvious you are trying to use this man to heal your past pain. Fucking pack it in and put your children first so they don't end up as broken adults too.

OddBoots · 20/06/2020 20:32

This must have been very hard to read, well done for being brave and strong through it and for putting your children first.

Apolloanddaphne · 20/06/2020 20:33

I am glad you have listened to all the advice given and will not pursue a relationship with this man when he is released.

user1972548274 · 20/06/2020 20:33

You need therapy.

CodenameVillanelle · 20/06/2020 20:34

Why do you say that he has been 'signed off' in relation to his own children? He's in prison. They won't have a social worker while he's in prison. However when he comes out he will he assessed by probation and social services to determine if he's safe to have contact with his children (assuming their mother actually wants him to)

stophuggingme · 20/06/2020 20:35

I hope you mean it OP
And not for your sake

Smallsteps88 · 20/06/2020 20:41

I'm going to let him know the possibility of a relationship outside has gone.

Tell him all contact with you will be stopping immediately. You need to cut contact completely OP. You are clearly vulnerable to being manipulated by him. The only way you can ensure you aren’t is to have zero contact.

Welshmamma · 20/06/2020 20:43

I've just read your post about having a tough upbringing. My dad was a drug addict. He also beat my mum to beat death on a few occasions. She left him when we were small children but he had also hurt me in the crossfire and those images stay with me. I had an amazing life after as we had a brilliant step dad. Best thing she did was never ever take him back.
When me and the ex were on the last six months ( he was refusing to leave the house we weren't in a relationship) I was speaking to a counsellor on the phone and I realised I was repeating my childhood. I was with a man who was like my dad, I knew I had to break the mould .... so Cari I just want to say break the mould! Go for someone different, nice men are just that! Nice men..... bad boys are just that.... and they often just become bad men ..... you don't need a relationship where you need to look after someone or help them change. He needs to look after himself and change his own life. Or it will drain you, mentally and physically.
I was the same as you. I remembered the old him from when we were kids and was convinced that he could be that person again. But I had to realise that wasn't who he was anymore ..... good luck to you and please think carefully xx

Babyiwantabump · 20/06/2020 20:46

Social services will definitely get involved- I had a friend that was “in a relationship” with someone in prison for similar and social services nearly took her children away because she was going to visit him- let alone being in a relationship with him on the outside .

It got very messy very quickly but obviously this was a very extreme case .

IWillNotNameTheTree · 20/06/2020 20:47

Please also remember that his letters will be being read by prison staff, and if they are concerned about anything you’ve said about a relationship and you having children they will have a duty of care to report it also.

Do the right thing, and find yourself a decent man. You and your children really deserve that.

LIZS · 20/06/2020 20:48

There never was a relationship or any realistic possibility of one as you hoped. You need to consider why you have been so blinkered where this guy is concerned - red flags being ignored, history of addiction, violence, hard upbringing, long sentence and promises to change. Sounds like maybe you have been secretly harbouring feelings for him over a long period and tried to make something of it while still in a vulnerable place yourself. Freedom programme might be a good place to start.

Smallsteps88 · 20/06/2020 20:51

This reply has been deleted

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NC4Now · 20/06/2020 21:04

OP really glad to hear your update. It does sound like your upbringing has left its mark on you.
It’s been a difficult day for you, but please consider some counselling for yourself to help you have good, strong boundaries for future relationships.

runningon · 20/06/2020 21:05

I really hope SS are involved.
They may need to remove your children from you and place them into foster care.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your children's future is to cut off this relationship and this man.
You are in danger of losing your children and your life..

sqirrelfriends · 20/06/2020 21:07

I'm glad you've listened and are going to give up on this relationship. He's not good for you and your kids.

I really do hope that you mean it, its just not safe to involve an abuser in your children's lives and I'm honestly shocked that you would even consider it. I know you want to believe that people can change and that's admirable but if you take even the slightest chance on this man then you're risking your children's lives and futures.

Don't. Do. It.

HelpMeh · 20/06/2020 21:07

Please don't invite a violent man into your children's lives. If he's changed, then he can live his changed life with someone else.

You don't serve 4 years for slapping someone so did he use a weapon or near enough killed her?

Please realize that abusive men manipulate and prey on the vulnerable - they seek you out and know all the right buttons to press to get you where you are now. Someone earlier mentioned the Freedom Program - I agree you should do this. There's plenty of non-violent and free men out there if you want a relationship but I wouldn't shack up with anyone until you've established good boundaries.

I'm sure you want better role models for your kids.

iloverock · 20/06/2020 21:17

Ffs just say goodbye to your children now. What is wrong with you?

WingingItSince1973 · 20/06/2020 21:44

I'm telling you the ss will be involved. My grandson was hurt by his father. My daughter was given the ultimatum to leave him or loose her ds. She didn't actually need the threat as she already ended things with him. After the court case even though he wasn't imprisoned his name is now on some sort of record and if he gets anyone else pregnant or involved with someone else with children they will become involved again. Of course a different situation. The dad was given numerous chances to get help for anger but refused. I just wanted to emphasise that the childrens safety will be the focus of ss. Your feelings about this man won't count. They won't care about that one bit. They are there to keep children safe not be popular with the adults that should be keeping them safe. You are risking a hell of alot for a man that is leading you on and I'd go as far to say grooming you for when he's released. I'd rather be single forever than risk loosing my children. I dont understand people who would even consider this a viable option.

Voice0fReason · 20/06/2020 22:05

You and your children deserve so much better than this.
Value yourself more highly.

No good can come from any contact at all with this man.

If SS suspect you have a relationship with him then you can expect your children to be put on a Child in Need plan which will involve their school and their dad.

ComeBy · 20/06/2020 22:30

Well done OP.

It must have come as a jolt to see that what you learned to see as normal is not really a desirable normal.

I hope the reaction here has not seemed harsh on you: mostly people are concerned for you, not blaming you.

Keep on giving your own kids the best of life. Meanwhile, I do hope that your friend does manage to get his life on track. If he has turned himself around for 4 years after leaving prison, who knows, maybe you could think again then.

Meanwhile, keep on being a great mum. Flowers

buildingbridge · 20/06/2020 22:30

Cari4 Well done. I'm sorry if my posts came harsh. I felt I had to be matter of fact. I know it's going to be difficult, but keep looking forward.

ComeBy · 20/06/2020 22:32

R T F T people!

The OP will not be pursuing a relationship.

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/06/2020 22:33

I wonder if it could really be that simple...

ishouldtryabitmoreachday · 20/06/2020 22:40

I know it will be hard to break away, but I would and be honest as to why. He never should of contacted you and was being selfish, he has sadly used you to help get through his time inside once the ex broke it off.

I hope you find happiness with your children and maybe someone new in the future.

RuffleCrow · 20/06/2020 22:47

Read "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft then see if you really want to risk your life with this man.

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