Page 6 | Social services involvement ?

Cari4 · 2020-06-20T15:42:26+00:00

Hi I'm stuck as where to go for help. I have a partner who is in prison for a domestic violence offence and he's been there for the last 4 years. I know he will have social services involved due to his offence but will social services need to tell her father of my children and school? He is going to be attending relationship groups and is attending rehab for his past alcohol issues. Please can someone help me with some advice.

ArriettyJones · 20/06/2020 19:52

Seriously, he’s been sober because he’s in jail.

I’m astonished how many of you believe this.

IWillNotNameTheTree · 20/06/2020 19:56

You’re children will be put on a child in need plan at best, more likely a child protection plan.

School will be informed, as will their father - and both will report anything suspicious.

You are not safeguarding your children and you are putting your feelings for him above your children. You are risking putting your children through emotional abuse and or physical abuse even if they are “only” witnessing it. You could well lose custody of your children if you enter a relationship with this man, what are you thinking?!

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/06/2020 19:57

@ArriettyJones

Seriously, he’s been sober because he’s in jail.

I’m astonished how many of you believe this.

We don't, really.

Crocky · 20/06/2020 19:58

How long was he actually sentenced to?

meow1989 · 20/06/2020 20:04

It is likely that social care will be informed and they will gather information under a section 17 or 47 of the Childrens Act investigation. This will involve contacting your childs gp, health professionals involved and schools, you and the childrens father, likely also probation and the police. I suspect it is fairly likely given the sentence and presumed associated severity of the assault that they may be placed on child protection or child in need plans as you will be seen to not be protecting your children. These will involve the above people.

You can support this man if you so wish without being in a relationship with him. I understand your want to give him a chance but you simply cannot take that chance and be protecting your children. Is he worth more than they are?

Original poster

Cari4 · 20/06/2020 20:05

This has been a very difficult afternoon. I think I presumed as I have no issues in our family home and he would be signed off as no further issues (as he is with his own children). He is sober inside it's horrifying to him what he did and he is open about how much it tortures him daily. This is his words, that he's never taken stuff seriously before inside and was violent but since this incident it's changed his life. I am new to this process and it's all a learning curve. I do come from a rough estate where going to prison is normal for lots of people and that's why perhaps it's not such a shock for me. Thank you for everyone's advice

OP posts:

Itsjustabitofbanter · 20/06/2020 20:07

If you continue this relationship then I hope ss get involved sooner rather than later. Hopefully they’ll be taken off you and given to their father before their little live are ruined by this piece of shit and their waste of a space mother

Twizzlesleepsatnight · 20/06/2020 20:09

honestly I would really hope social services would be involved! Your children need someone to protect them and that's clearly not going to be you if you think it's okay to have a man like this in yours and your children's lives. yes you may have noble plans for him not to meet the children currently, but he will be in their life by association. Please don't pretend you being with him won't affect them. Of course it will, and devastatingly so

what if he kills you? That would have a pretty huge impact on their life don't you think...The fact he's in jail for DV makes this a real possibility.

Your self esteem must be pretty low to even be considering this. Take stock for a moment and step back and assess this in true honesty.

It is hard to be on your own sometimes, but this is not the answer. There are so many lovely men out there who could adore you and your children. Take some time for you, get to know yourself and reflect on what you want your life to look like.

Think of your children please. do the right thing for them. Otherwise they could grow up knowing you put them second to a violent abuser. This could not end well for you. At best you could lose your children and your children will suffer the trauma of losing you as primary caregiver or being raised in the care system. At worst they and you could be killed by this man. I advise reading some serious case reviews where violent men (often with no apparent history) have killed partners. You have a choice in this. do the right thing. do it for your children

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/06/2020 20:10

If he's out in license he will not be "signed off as no further issues"...
What do you mean by you are new to this process? The posters advising you on this thread are not in relationships with violent offenders in real life, you know? Yet they managed to see it clearly enough

nevernotstruggling · 20/06/2020 20:13

Hey op it took courage to come back and post x

I'm curious as to the situation with his own children especially if the victim was their mother

OddBoots · 20/06/2020 20:14

"signed off as no further issues (as he is with his own children).

Are you sure? Has that come from him? Is he fully informed?

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/06/2020 20:15

he would be signed off as no further issues (as he is with his own children).
Says who? He hasn't even been released yet

GoingBackTo505 · 20/06/2020 20:16

@Cari4

This has been a very difficult afternoon. I think I presumed as I have no issues in our family home and he would be signed off as no further issues (as he is with his own children). He is sober inside it's horrifying to him what he did and he is open about how much it tortures him daily. This is his words, that he's never taken stuff seriously before inside and was violent but since this incident it's changed his life. I am new to this process and it's all a learning curve. I do come from a rough estate where going to prison is normal for lots of people and that's why perhaps it's not such a shock for me. Thank you for everyone's advice

Good. I hope he is horrified by his actions. Because his victim/s sure as hell will be horrified too for the rest of their lives.

IWillNotNameTheTree · 20/06/2020 20:18

I mean this so kindly OP, but I really feel you would benefit from some therapy to deal with your childhood issues and help you understand why you are drawn to this man.

Do you want to save him? Be the one to change him? It won’t work and will destroy your family in the process.

MadeForThis · 20/06/2020 20:19

You're children are happy and safe at the minute because he is not part of their lives.

He has served 4 years so he was sentenced to 8-10. That is not a one off assault. He is a seriously dangerous man.

His gf stayed with him after the assault. He's clearly a manipulative man, used to saying what he needs to. Don't trust him. Don't endanger your children.

Or you might find that your children won't be living with you for very long.

Choose carefully.

Smallsteps88 · 20/06/2020 20:21

OP as soon as it is known to social services that you are in a relationship with him (Which you can’t deny as you call him your partner) your ability to make appropriate safeguarding decisions for your child will be called into question and that is what will decide whether your child stays with you or goes with his father.

SS will be Interested in the answer to one question - are you in a relationship with a violent offender? That’s what they’ll ask you. The only thing that will get SS out of your life is assurances that you are no longer seeing this man. That’s it. That’s the only answer they will accept to be satisfied that your child is safe with you.

You can tell them “yes, He’s my partner but he doesn’t live here and won’t be in my home or near my son.” They wont care. The fact you are unable to see what a completely inappropriate relationship it is tells them you aren’t able to make the right decisions to keep your child safe. So until you’ve told them you’ve ended your relationship they will be in your life and possibly by the time you’ve made that decision your child will already be living with their father which is a very hard thing to reverse if the father is providing an appropriate home environment.

Do you know what prevents all that happening? You making the right decision now. Before it gets to SS even getting wind of his existence.

OliviaBenson · 20/06/2020 20:25

So what are you going to do op?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 20/06/2020 20:26

He’s ‘horrified by his actions’?? 😂😂 really op? How do you know ghat? He told you? Do you expect him to actually say ‘I’m a violent piece of shit who enjoyed battering my ex within an inch of her life’? Get a grip op. You’re gambling with your children’s lives here. Why not find a man who hasn’t been arrested for multiple violent incidents, that isn’t a junkie, and who isn’t currently serving a heavy sentence for beating a previous girlfriend?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/06/2020 20:27

He is sticking to a very well known script.

Writing to you while he's in jail (will need a place to live, and putting in the work so he gets sex when hes out of prison)

Getting you to convince him why he's so amazing (asking why you're with him).

Promising he is sober and undergoing all this therapy (he may well be lying, and it's very hard to commit domestic violence in prison).

Telling you how horrified he is at his actions (they all say this, until he starts on you with a little push, then it will escalate).

The freedom programme would be great for you op. He is already manipulating you.

rhowton · 20/06/2020 20:27

4 years for domestic violence!!!

People don't often get 4 years for domestic violence so what he did was horrendously terrible. In fact, it will most likely be GBH with a past history of aggressive behaviour.

Social services will and should be in charge.

You should want nothing to do with this man.

So sorry

Original poster

Cari4 · 20/06/2020 20:29

I'm going to let him know the possibility of a relationship outside has gone. It has been me that has been pursuing this relationship and he said "you do know social services will be involved" but I didn't know to what extent. I think he's been expecting this. Although this afternoon has been hard I appreciate people have taken the time to post.

OP posts:

Wizadorawobble · 20/06/2020 20:29

It all comes down to who you love more, your children or a violent criminal?

whoknowswhichwayisup · 20/06/2020 20:30

Well done love, that's the right decision. You can do better for you and your child.

Welshmamma · 20/06/2020 20:31

Please be careful. My ex was an abusive alcoholic. The abuse wasn't just physical, I could tolerate this. It was all the manipulation to feed his habit, his blaming me, the kids, work, life for his problems, gaslighting, creating situations where he felt justified in getting pissed and then would abuse me more. He broke me. And his behaviour affected our children.
Does he have to live with you? Can't he just come out and you two have a relationship without involving your kids? You have to put them first or they could well end up victims too.
Hate to sound negative but he is sober now because he has been locked away in a very different environment, he had no access to alcohol and his life is not like his life on the outside. You cannot be sure he won't come out of prison and start to drink again, please please don't put your myself or your kids at risk x it really isn't worth the heartache x
Took me 5 years to get rid of my ex, he would always threaten to end his life or that of my kids if I left. I was so scared but in the end I realised he was too weak to go through with it, and I was weak listening to him x

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/06/2020 20:31

Why have you been pursuing this relationship?