How many kids makes you judgey?

[silkyfilament]

So I'm 43 and unexpectedly pregnant with baby number 5. Our other children are aged 13, 10, 7 and 2.
I'm utterly terrified about the judgement. My mother will be 🤦‍♀️. She won't say anything, she'll smile and say things like 'there's plenty of love to go around', but I know what people will really think. I'm paranoid what mum's in the playground will think!

For the record, we have the space in our home. DP has a great really well paid job, which is totally secure. I don't work! Which I think adds to my anxiety. But I'm totally supported financially and am happy with the arrangement we have. I do the home things, he earns the money. We share the house work because his job is cushy and he works about 15 hours a week.

Should I just screw what anyone else thinks and do what we want? Or do I need to stop being single minded, think of my existing kids etc, get back to work....?

I wouldn't have any judgement if you can afford it.
I would think more negatively of someone with one and on benefits than six and providing for them themselves.

As long as you can afford it no one can judge. Personally i usually judge people who have 4 or more kids but they cant afford it and abusing benefits. You can clearly see the type.

I have 5 and would say go for the screw what anyone else thinks and do whatever will make you and your family happiest.
It’s funny as felt the most judgement when had my 3rd (different partner and in retrospect not ideal circumstances) but by 4th happily married, own house now etc and everyone happy for us and the since having 5th everyone keeps asking when I’m going to have another. Not in a judgey way but more ‘why not’ and just a general bemusement that it’s been a few years since the last baby, despite the fact I’m in my mid forties!

I have two and judge myself for that sometimes!

Seriously, though, I've copped nasty comments for having kids 'late' (mid-late 30's), so I refuse to judge someone for doing something different that I'd do for myself if that works for them.

I do judge the local family with 16 kids, only because I know from their friends that the 'supermum', always in the news being praised, does very little & makes her older DC do all the work. The only benefit is they all move out very quickly to have their own space/life.

I'm 43, will be 44 when this baby's born! Utterly terrifying, the judgement. The health concerns. The JUDGEMENT! 🙈

@blueshoes No, we're not married. But so what? We've known each other for thirty years and we'd never hurt one another.
I'm not sure if the point you're trying to take?

Where I live, 4 kids definitely wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, it’s not at all unusual. I know a few families with 5 or more, but it’s not something I’d ever think of judging. None of my business really.

My DH has 11 siblings and I have 6 so we’re familiar with the big family thing!

I was judged once by an old bitch that lived a few doors down. Old battle axe told me I had enough kids (I was expecting my third). I was surprised by her judgment but didn’t actually GAF.

ETA congrats OP! Enjoy your family!!

I think there can be a difference between judgement and surprise - I'd definitely be a bit taken aback if I met you and you told me you had five children, as I don't personally interact with anyone in my generation with more than three....but I wouldn't be thinking "she should get back to work" or the other things in your OP, just taking a second to update my paradigm.

(by "I don't personally interact with" I mean that this happens to be the current state of play, not that I have some sort of rule forbidding it....)

Not being married to the father of your 4 to be 5 children is another aspect that people can judge you on. It is the elephant in the room really, even if you don't see it.

I don't judge, I just don't understand. I have 2 and I feel like that's enough. Also when there's a massive age gap I can't understand going back to the baby years. I would do anything for my kids but I also value having time to do things for me and I can't imagine that's possible with lots of children.
I also just feel lucky to have 2 healthy, happy children.

If you can afford them and they’re parented well, would most people even give you a second thought?

There’s the planet issue I suppose but then few are perfect on that anyway.

Why invite judgement on a thread if you’re terrified of it. Just get on with it. 🤷‍♀️

I would secretly think you’re a bit mad though. 🤣

Well, at your stage of stability, experience, capacity to support another child, I wouldn’t judge at all. I would trust you to manage your own life, 5, 7 or 9 kids. Up to you.

If you were 23 with no income , no qualifications, no stable partner, etc, I would probably be rolling my eyes by the 3rd pregnancy.

Good luck OP!

Honestly I really wouldn’t worry, I found yes people were very judgey when I was a young mum, but if your an older mum and happy secure relationship etc then people don’t care. I work in healthcare and have never heard anyone be judgey about a woman in her 40s having a baby, yes judgement sometimes if lots of children and lots of other issues going on but not otherwise. I can totally understand the fear of telling your mum though 🙈 🤣
Congatulations, will hopefully be nice for your 2 year old to have a sibling can more grow up with

I have 1, I'm in my 40s, single, unemployed and in the LCWRA grouping.

I'm judged.. so I wouldn't judge anyone else unless they have like 20 kids by 20 dads in 15 years.. but more because the math don't add up. 🤣🤣

I would probably judge people with 4 or more kids. I am sometimes quite shocked when people announce their 3rd child but I feel like it’s less uncommon to have 3.

By Who?

Maybe one of OP's kids will be the scientist who finds the solution to global warming.

Honestly OP of all the things to judge someone about, having kids is not one. Anyone who judges you is a sanctimonious twat. Who cares what they think.

Have you not already seen people admitting they judge on this thread? It's not like it doesn't happen

Wtf

After my second child, a number of older women remarked "leave it there now" or words to that effect. They all had 3 or more children themselves. I was taken aback but then realised they were warning me, not judging me.
I wasn't planning any more anyway. But with 2 in their teens now, I understand the warnings.

For me it was the fourth when some (very very few and almost exclusively strangers as we have a very large family oriented community) people were a bit “oooh, four….that’s an interesting choice!” By the fifth they clearly just expect it of us because I’ve received less comments now than I used to.

Any more than 2. Although more than 3 I would definitely judge, I doubt anyone can give their children enough time or resources with more than 2. Even more judgy if your kids are all in nursery and after school care.

I have 4, I don't really care if people judge it or not . No one has ever had the nerve to do it to my face

Four IVF babies is amazing! I have one IVF baby and always wanted a large family before discovering my fertility issues, still do but it seems out of reach now. Do you mind me asking if you had your IVF babies fairly close together?

OP, please don’t worry about other people’s opinions. It really shouldn’t matter or make a difference to you. A woman in the supermarket this week told me she had 3 children and said I should stop at 1 (said infront of 2 of her children 🫣)! People just love to have an opinion, either laugh it off or have a retort ready!