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Original poster

How many kids makes you judgey?

202 replies

silkyfilament · 01/12/2023 22:05

So I'm 43 and unexpectedly pregnant with baby number 5. Our other children are aged 13, 10, 7 and 2.
I'm utterly terrified about the judgement. My mother will be 🤦‍♀️. She won't say anything, she'll smile and say things like 'there's plenty of love to go around', but I know what people will really think. I'm paranoid what mum's in the playground will think!

For the record, we have the space in our home. DP has a great really well paid job, which is totally secure. I don't work! Which I think adds to my anxiety. But I'm totally supported financially and am happy with the arrangement we have. I do the home things, he earns the money. We share the house work because his job is cushy and he works about 15 hours a week.

Should I just screw what anyone else thinks and do what we want? Or do I need to stop being single minded, think of my existing kids etc, get back to work....?

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Isthisexpected · 02/12/2023 11:33

Angrycat2768 · 02/12/2023 11:03

15 hours is the maximum you can work before benefits are cut.

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Really? I thought OP said they support the children themselves?

klajs · 02/12/2023 11:46

I would never say anything to anyone (in person), but 4 plus, and even 3 in some cases depending on circumstances. I just don't think it's possible to give 3-4+ children the same level of attention, care, and, (circumstance dependent) financial support as I am striving to give mine. DH grew up in a family of 4 kids and it's certainly not what he wants for ours. It just feels very unnecessary these days.

caringcarer · 02/12/2023 12:00

As many as you can afford to bring up and have time to care for. I was the fourth child of 5. My parents could afford to bring us up and my Mum stayed home to care for us all. We got a hot dinner cooked from scratch every day, a spotless home to live in. I shared a bedroom with my younger sister but that has made us super close all our lives. Don't worry about what others might think. Focus on enjoying your family.

JacklynBlue · 02/12/2023 12:09

StampOnTheGround · 02/12/2023 09:28

I'm here for you to tell me what you're DH does for a large amount of money and barely and hours 😂

Sounds like my kind of job!

How does anyone support a household of 7 on 15 hours per week?

Whiskerson · 02/12/2023 12:09

Isthisexpected · 02/12/2023 11:33

Really? I thought OP said they support the children themselves?

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Ha, there you go. Yeah, I'm sure there are people who say they "support themselves" meaning claim their own benefits rather than literally asking family for handouts.

The other thing I'm slightly "judgey" about is a 43 year old mother of 4 who's terrified of being judged. Surely by this stage of life, with all those responsibilities, you've got bigger fish to fry? Unless you know they're going to be judging you for choosing a subsidised lifestyle when they might have curtailed their family size for financial reasons.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 12:28

xprincessxjanetx · 02/12/2023 02:20

I'm 31 and I have 8 (my last 2 were twins) and I feel extremely embarrassed about it. I know that sounds bad but everywhere I go I feel people are judging me and having stereotypical thoughts. Mentally it seemed such a leap going from 6 to 8 and i've really struggled with people's perception of my family since the twins were born 3 months ago.

I'd be pretty flabbergasted to meet a 31 year old who had 8 kids. And I have to say that inwardly I would be thinking many thoughts i.e 'fucking hell, 'jesus christ' 'I wonder if she's religious' 'I don't envy her' 'is her body not knackered?' 'I hope that's her last' etc.

But I'm pretty polite so wouldn't voice any of this (unless maybe you were my sister) or display any horrified facial expressions. Because it doesn't really have anything to do with me.

User890976 · 02/12/2023 13:49

Angrycat2768 · 02/12/2023 08:07

I used to worry about world overpopulation but actually the world birthrate has been more or less stable since the 1970's and the birthrate outside Africa has been plummeting. So many people are not having children at all ( many through choice) that its not a big deal if a few families have more than 2. The world population is rising purely because people are living longer. We can't do anything about that in any ethical way apart from wait. Consumption is a major issue in the West and it is the young that have the ideas and energy to come up with solutions to that problem.

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Yes it’s true it’s fallen a lot but still well above 2 so the population will keep growing

Whilst there are challenges associated with the demographic shift to an older population and people living longer this requires a change in how society is funded and functions, not people having more children. Agree consumption in rich countries is mainly the problem which is why it’s arguably more of an issue to have more than 2 here than people in sub Saharan Africa having 5 or 6..

I understand it’s nice to have and be part of a big family but these are just the facts as I see them

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/12/2023 13:54

People judge you no matter how many kids you have.

I have 6. Get judged. Too many, can’t possibly look after them all etc
SIL has 1. Gets judged. Lonely child. Will carry caring burden solo etc.
friend has 2. She has a health condition. Gets judged.
Other friend has 3. Lives in a 2 bed house. Gets judged.

Cousin has none. Gets judged.

It’s just not worth worrying about because someone will have an opinion that you’re wrong no matter what you do.

winowin · 02/12/2023 14:07

I have 4, last pregnancy was twins.
They're grown up now but definitely got judged.
It would always go
Are they all yours?
Are they twins?
You look young.
And the punch line, do they all have the same father?
As well as comments like don't you have a TV?

Lavenderandbrown · 02/12/2023 15:18

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Please very carefully consider the advice here re: financial/legal security net of marriage or formalized agreement….if not for yourself then for your children’s well being. I wanted more children but I knew my marriage would not go the tdistance and I was right so I held at 2. I very clearly remember school mums who had larger families say it was all fine until they had 4th who were autistic because you are immediately overstretched and the other children are affected by the needs of autistic child. Please keep in mind all the risks of “advanced maternal age” for both yourself and your pregnancies and the impact a
child with health concerns. Emily Maynard “the bachelorette “ comes to mind as her 6th has Down’s syndrome.

TheDuchessOfMN · 02/12/2023 16:28

I wouldn’t want to have more than 4 children, but I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone who does. (unless they aren’t being cared for)

If anything, I’d probably admire them more than judge them. It just looks too stressful for me.

Katy231 · 02/12/2023 16:31

I've never thought of it like this ... I think it just depends on the general behaviour of the children. I mean, obviously kids are kids and I don't expect kids to sit still or anything. But, if the mother is decently in control then it's fine.

GoingOffOnATangent · 02/12/2023 17:23

@Katy231 college agree. The only time I judge any other parent is when their kids is behaving like a little hooligan and they see what's going on but stand back and do nothing. I've had kids with parents like that spoil an otherwise perfectly good day for my children and it's been nothing to do with how many kids they have, it's an attitude not a numbers thing. 😒

Octavia64 · 02/12/2023 17:41

My ExSIL has 7.

I don't judge for her having seven.

I do worry about her as she has only has teenage style jobs (waitress etc) and isn't married.

If her partner were to die or leave her she's stuffed.

I do judge her for relying so heavily on the financial and emotional resources of PiL - she's had at least 100k out of them and pre-covid they looked after two of the kids every day on rotation (so a different two each day).

She also has a three bedroom house so there is parent's room, boys dorm and girls' dorm.

She home educates all of them despite failing her A-levels and not doing very well in her GCSEs. Some of them can't read (and are of an age where they should be at least trying to).

At least two of them have severe anxiety, and there is a family history of ADHD/ASD. Every time she has another I worry she will have a severely disabled child and not cope.

I feel really really sorry for her kids.

Charley50 · 02/12/2023 18:38

ThePoetsWife · 02/12/2023 07:56

*58k not 34k

I earn less than 58K, 43k-ish, and am expected by the govt to pay towards DC uni...

Ds16dv · 02/12/2023 18:44

I have 6 kids although 2 are adults now and have left home . I could not give a fuck what people think .

ginandtonicwithlimes · 04/12/2023 16:52

Angrycat2768 · 02/12/2023 11:03

15 hours is the maximum you can work before benefits are cut.

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Not true. UC works on wages not hours and most people have moved over now.

Nospecialcharactersplease · 06/12/2023 22:48

Octavia64 · 02/12/2023 17:41

My ExSIL has 7.

I don't judge for her having seven.

I do worry about her as she has only has teenage style jobs (waitress etc) and isn't married.

If her partner were to die or leave her she's stuffed.

I do judge her for relying so heavily on the financial and emotional resources of PiL - she's had at least 100k out of them and pre-covid they looked after two of the kids every day on rotation (so a different two each day).

She also has a three bedroom house so there is parent's room, boys dorm and girls' dorm.

She home educates all of them despite failing her A-levels and not doing very well in her GCSEs. Some of them can't read (and are of an age where they should be at least trying to).

At least two of them have severe anxiety, and there is a family history of ADHD/ASD. Every time she has another I worry she will have a severely disabled child and not cope.

I feel really really sorry for her kids.

Well you might not judge her but I do. She’s made shit life choices and everyone around her is dealing with the consequences.

Justfinking · 07/12/2023 08:11

Octavia64 · 02/12/2023 17:41

My ExSIL has 7.

I don't judge for her having seven.

I do worry about her as she has only has teenage style jobs (waitress etc) and isn't married.

If her partner were to die or leave her she's stuffed.

I do judge her for relying so heavily on the financial and emotional resources of PiL - she's had at least 100k out of them and pre-covid they looked after two of the kids every day on rotation (so a different two each day).

She also has a three bedroom house so there is parent's room, boys dorm and girls' dorm.

She home educates all of them despite failing her A-levels and not doing very well in her GCSEs. Some of them can't read (and are of an age where they should be at least trying to).

At least two of them have severe anxiety, and there is a family history of ADHD/ASD. Every time she has another I worry she will have a severely disabled child and not cope.

I feel really really sorry for her kids.

Wow, I'd judge. This sounds borderline abusive, her kids don't have much of a chance

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/12/2023 23:38

blueshoes · 01/12/2023 23:16

OP is not married?

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Not married? How old fashioned!!!

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 10:18

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/12/2023 23:38

Not married? How old fashioned!!!

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It really worries me how many women have been convinced they don't need any sort of legal protections as it is ‘old fashioned.’

elliejjtiny · 09/12/2023 10:27

I have 5 and my 5th was unexpected when dc4 (who was very poorly) was 4 months old. I was too scared to tell anyone for months. We were using the pill and condoms and dh was on the waiting list for a vasectomy. I was judged a lot in the beginning, some people still do. Because I have all the same sex a lot of people think I am desperately trying until I get one of the other sex. I get a lot of arm pats and "I hope it happens for you" etc from strangers which is a bit weird but better than judging I think.

LadyBird1973 · 09/12/2023 13:49

I think you have to accept that people judge other people all the time, about all sorts of things, not only number of children. The trick is to recognise that it's a 'them' problem and not a 'you' problem. And try not to care.
You are going to have a beautiful baby and that's a wonderful thing for you. Don't let some mardy arse miserable bugger suck the joy out of it!

I had 4. Was a sahm - my kids had plenty of attention, my house wasn't chaotic or messy and my children weren't feral. We had enough money to support them. If you have the resources to raise your children then that's good enough and no one has a right to say anything. We're all consumers of more than we technically need, in this country and id seriously push back on any judgement from anyone who wasn't living an off grid, fully self sufficient existence!

But, II do think you ought to get married. However lovely your dp is, things can change and being a mum of 5 with no job and no legal protection is a shit scary place to be! If he died, you might find yourself fighting his parents for the house or dealing with inheritance tax, or not getting access to his pension or insurance.

Wren43 · 09/12/2023 15:24

We're all consumers of more than we technically need, in this country and id seriously push back on any judgement from anyone who wasn't living an off grid, fully self sufficient existence

Absolutely this

Wholeworld · 26/12/2023 16:10

Hello looking for some information negative and postive are welcome
i have read loads of post why people shouldnt have a 5th all to do with the plant etc so dont really need anymore planet commnets but could anyone tell how they found having a 5th baby please and how a 5th child has impacted them please
Thank you