How many kids makes you judgey?

[silkyfilament]

So I'm 43 and unexpectedly pregnant with baby number 5. Our other children are aged 13, 10, 7 and 2.
I'm utterly terrified about the judgement. My mother will be 🤦‍♀️. She won't say anything, she'll smile and say things like 'there's plenty of love to go around', but I know what people will really think. I'm paranoid what mum's in the playground will think!

For the record, we have the space in our home. DP has a great really well paid job, which is totally secure. I don't work! Which I think adds to my anxiety. But I'm totally supported financially and am happy with the arrangement we have. I do the home things, he earns the money. We share the house work because his job is cushy and he works about 15 hours a week.

Should I just screw what anyone else thinks and do what we want? Or do I need to stop being single minded, think of my existing kids etc, get back to work....?

I'll tell second twin to climb back in me, the world's too populated for him

I'd only judge people who cannot cope (physically, financially etc) with the children they have assuming no disabilities etc. As long as you can cope and have sufficient income then procreaye. Away

I think probably into double digits? There are definitely mums out there with 5 or 6 children who just have way more energy and patience than me and are doing a great job, but I don’t think anyone can give adequate attention to say 12 kids, there’s just not enough hours in the day. Spending half an hour a day with each of them one on one would be nearly a full time job!

Only parents with multiple kids by multiple parent male or female.

Relying on the state to pay.

I try not judge anyone but I certainly wouldn't judge you for five.
I've got six but quite a spread of ages (30-9) I've never really encountered any negativity. Some people are baffled how we cope but it's not like you go from zero to six you just adapt as each one comes.

I'm a stay at home mum and dh has a very well paid job so they all get to do extra curricular things. I have sacrificed a lot of me in order to give them the support and attention the need though.

All this "for the sake of the planet" does my nut in. The idea of being so self-righteous and self-sacrificing as to deny oneself one more child just doesn't cut it with me, I'm afraid.

Anyway we're equally being told that there's not going to be sufficient younger people of working age to support the pensions system. Which is it?

I probably think 4+ is the stuff of madness because I don't think I'd have been up for it! But nobody's asking me to rear their kids.

What would concern me re this OP, who's probably long disappeared, is being so financially and indeed physically vulnerable. Not being married combined with not working is a situation I'd never have placed myself in.

If each generation has to be larger than the generation before to support it how does that end? There is finite space and resources. Like a massive Ponzi scheme. Genuinely how will this work? Surely AI will mean we don’t need so many for the workforce?

Always baffled as to how angry mothers of multiples get at any mention of environmental concerns? your numerous children will need a habitable planet. Still you are all sure it will all be ok - bloody hope you’re right!

I don’t judge but for some reason I have this cut off point in my head of 5 kids…so 5 kids, bit of a big family but each to their own, 6 kids….mental! What on earth are you doing you weirdo 😂. Maybe because I’ve known lots of families with 5 kids!

I don’t judge the number of kids as long as you can provide for them all physically and mentally. I’m one of four and my parents emotionally did an awful job, I do wonder if they had less kids if it would have been different. I worry about this alot for myself and kids

The mayor in Horton hears a who has 96 kids or something and only has a minute for each or something. I judged and found him wanting.

But dr Seuss and real life have little in common.

I've two kids from my first marriage (13 and 16) and a 3 yo with my husband. She is his only bio child. Even though we are now older parents (43 and 48) we would definitely have loved another child but, despite us both working ft, could not afford one.

I know someone who has 5, who only ever seems to inspire awe.

I also know someone who only has three and people judged the third. That's because she wasn't really on top of the two she had (endless head lice, house filthy, etc) and always complained she hated parenting.

It's not how many you have that counts, it's what you do with them.

Other people's opinions are not important if it's what you want, but you asking the question makes me wonder if you are unhappy at the prospect. It's a lot, especially with the age range, and it would be understandable if you were concerned. You might also be delighted, in which case congratulations!

Your life sounds wonderful, don't worry about what other people think.

Since I stopped allowing my mums sarcastic jibes to get to me, more than 15 years ago, my life is so much freer.

Really, who cares what others think? They'll think it anyway, and their thoughts are theirs, not yours. Just live your life.

No number, as long as people are paying for them themselves, as PP have said.

I would never usually judge... I wouldn't judge automatically. However the only person I know well who has four kids and zero control over them and their lives all the children and the enormous pets suffer as a result. I would judge if they decided to have more. Mostly because she can't cope or give enough time or love to the children she has now... Seeing this family has made me wonder how chaotic large families might be.

I'm more intrigued as to what your partner does for a job that means he works 15 hours a week but earns enough to keep a house, 4+ kids and a partner!

But to answer your question, I might start to judge when the addition of more children starts to have a detrimental effect on the existing children.

As the eldest of 5 I remember people looked at us in the shops when we all went together but my mum was under 30. The biggest question people asked was did we have the same dad 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ People are nosey and rude. What people think of you is none of your business. There will always be someone to judge or disagree with your decisions and there will be those who support you. You are 100% in charge of what voices you listen to. Choose you and your family. Congratulations and remember you are the only person who can live your life. When all is said and done choose what you want.❤️

I personally love this and think ‘screw then’. Most people have one or two or are childfree. You’re not solely destroying the planet or whatever snarky comebacks other people make. You’re kind of doing the country a favour. Also lots of people would like more kids but finances and housing get in the way. So exciting!

I know what you mean. Six onwards you must lose count! It’s too scary!

One women having five when the majority have two at most (and many couples are choosing not to have children) really
doesn’t make all the difference. Leave your snarky comments to yourself.
These kids will be supporting an enormous aging population. I’m pretty sure you’ll want them around then.

And besides, she’s pregnant already! What is she supposed to do?

I don't judge number of kids, but I do judge number of baby dads - anymore than 2 and I will judge

I have four and I had them young (my first was at 20) the only time I've ever been judged was by an old lady at a bus stop with my first who asked about the dad and basically said where is he which I replied at work. I'm actually now a single mum of 4, step mum to 4 more so I am sure we do get some looks when we are out with all of them but I've never noticed.

I've only ever had compliments on my children when out with them, praise from people who know us saying how well I do to raise 4 alone and admiration for juggling it all, I wouldn't say I feel judged at all to be honest. We live in a home county and 3 children is very normal, 4 still not abnormal. I feel very confident in my mum abilities, I also work with children as a teacher so know what I'm doing.

In my years of experience and from working with many families what I do know is wether you are married, single, rich, poor, educated, working, unemployed, mum of one or mum of 6, young, old or somewhere in the middle it doesn't make a difference to wether you are a good parent or not. Money does tend to hide neglect better though due to being able to outsource things. One of the worst families I know is probably one of the richest, married and older parents what you would think of as an ideal family, with cleaners and housekeepers and a nanny to keep it together however there is domestic and financial abuse, regular drug taking, a very chaotic lifestyle for the kids and it is effecting the children now with mental health issues etc.

No judgment here, I'm the youngest of 6. My mum was 40 when she had me and the only thing I've found difficult was having parents who were older than my friends' parents, as they just never hit it off. BUT I've also seen it as a huge benefit having parents with a different frame of reference to everyone else, so it works both ways!

I had an idyllic childhood so I'm genuinely shocked by all the 'presuming your kids are well cared for' comments!