How many kids makes you judgey?

[silkyfilament]

So I'm 43 and unexpectedly pregnant with baby number 5. Our other children are aged 13, 10, 7 and 2.
I'm utterly terrified about the judgement. My mother will be 🤦‍♀️. She won't say anything, she'll smile and say things like 'there's plenty of love to go around', but I know what people will really think. I'm paranoid what mum's in the playground will think!

For the record, we have the space in our home. DP has a great really well paid job, which is totally secure. I don't work! Which I think adds to my anxiety. But I'm totally supported financially and am happy with the arrangement we have. I do the home things, he earns the money. We share the house work because his job is cushy and he works about 15 hours a week.

Should I just screw what anyone else thinks and do what we want? Or do I need to stop being single minded, think of my existing kids etc, get back to work....?

I have several friends who have, or who are from, sets of 4-6 siblings, and only one of those (one of the families of 4) are from a religious philosophy where having quite a few children is more common.

I don't judge women on how many children they choose to have or when they have them, how old they are when they have them, how far apart or close together the children are in age or anything like that. There is far too much comment and judgement in society about those things. I might judge a little on parenting ethoses or outcomes that I really don't agree with whether someone has 1 or 21.

You go ahead with the 5 and enjoy your family.

I think what people are getting at with regard to the not being married is about your own financial and housing security as an unmarried mother and they do have a point which is well made again and again with examples on Mumsnet. I certainly don't judge anyone on whether they are married or not but it's a valid pragmatic point.

I'm 31 and I have 8 (my last 2 were twins) and I feel extremely embarrassed about it. I know that sounds bad but everywhere I go I feel people are judging me and having stereotypical thoughts. Mentally it seemed such a leap going from 6 to 8 and i've really struggled with people's perception of my family since the twins were born 3 months ago.

I think the fact that you don't understand the implications of being unmarried with no career suggests that you're not really in a position to provide for these children and if these 15 hours a week of your partner's job were to disappear with him, you'd be (intellectually at least) screwed!

I don't really understand why you'd have baby number 4, guessing you've been a mum your whole adult life and you don't know anything different.

I would find more than three a bit surprising (I don’t think I know anyone currently of childbearing age who is having/has had more than three. More than four and it would be less about judgement and more bafflement. It’s not a course of action that I’m capable of understanding.

Goodness, I honestly don't think it would occur to me to judge anyone with 5 kids. I'd be in awe - I'm exhausted with two! - but not at all judgy. Whatever works for your family is lovely, and as long as everyone is happy and loved, I can't see why anyone should be judging at all. Congratulations on your upcoming little one, OP

@silkyfilament I'm one of five, I never felt that I didn't matter. My parents had enough love and time and money for us all.

They never had much love for each other, but they both did their absolute best for us.

OP i’m currently pregnant with unplanned number 4. Ages 10,7 &2.5. We were also done but after a sadly unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage earlier in the year - we had this little one make an appearance. (Contraceptive fail) I get the surprised 4th! From people when they ask followed by how old are you? (38) but i just laugh it off - as for overpopulation critics my two sisters have no children and don’t want any so theoretically ive used their ‘quota’ 😂😂 we both have good jobs and from large families ourselves so who cares what others think? Look at the world - the armchair/keyboard judgers and commenters don’t make my world go round 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

Generally, the number of children someone has with them barely registers and I think nothing of it unless there's some kind of behaviour to draw attention to them. Every bigger family I've known have been chaotic, emotionally harmful, or neglectful in some way, so if I were to think anything at all, I think of what I already know and might feel sad for the children depending on what I knew of the family.

Gosh I would never think anything ! When I see people like Jools Oliver and Sophie Ellis Bexter I might think that looks like a lot of hard work but also how lovely.

You shouldn't really talk about other people's inability to understand and intellect if you think op has been a mum her whole adult life

The first line of the op says she is 43 and her eldest is 13

It kind of depends. Not for me - my 2 are just right - but I don't automatically hate people who have lots of kids.

I know large families whose kids are well-behaved and parents have enough money to support them well. In those cases it's not judgment as much as the previous poster said, bafflement. One woman I know has 6 kids, with the youngest being a surprise pregnancy like OP. She also admits to having had very easy babies, which I believe cause her kids are all healthy and very chill. I actually admire large families of difficult to adopt kids, especially if they have disabilities. And sometimes you just end up with a lot of kids with a blended family.

OTOH, I know another family of 7 kids who I judge the hell out of because they keep making babies to populate the world with conservative Christians. The mom is one the the most entitled people I've had the unfortunate experience of dealing with. She expects a village of support and never reciprocates. She thinks her kids should have the run of any space their feral selves desire and she has the hutzpah to actively campaign against abortion and contraception rights for women. They hired a nanny who is so overworked I'm sure she plans to quit soon like the last one. They suck.

Ultimately I believe purposely having lots of biological kids is irresponsible for the planet but I would never say this to a mom like the OP, but I'd think it quietly. In the same breath, I feel sympathy for OP cause it sounds like a lot of work!

God I’d never judge anyone for simply the amount of kids they have. I have 3 and I would have had more only DH wasn’t on-board with the idea. I was at a funeral last week of a friend in their 40’s who died suddenly of a heart attack and she had 6 siblings. I was looking at the family thinking what a comfort it is to have a large and loving family around at this tragic time. In good times and bad - a loving family is always blessing. The more the merrier as long as everyone is happy.

Why dont you judge people with 1 or 2 chikdren? They are also contributing to world pipulation?

I rolled my eyes. Have you got children? Do you drive a car? Do you go on holidays abroad? Do you eat imported food? Do you use central heating? If the answer is yes then you're a hypocrite. I don't have a big family but I don't judge others that do unless the parents are rubbish and don't care for their children and they have to rely on the state.

I have 1 and wish I had 3, or 4.

If we were both school mums and I saw you were a good mum I’d be admiring you. Also probably trying to befriend you so my only child son could get to experience the happy rabble that big families offer!

Many upper class families have several children. I imagine you’ll be stopping at 5 (?) so there’s no worries about having 6.

Congratulations and I hope all goes well.

I’d judge anyone with 1+ children who has more than they can cope with, practically, emotionally, financially. If you’re having your 5th being able to provide for all 5, parent them, be emotionally available for them and be happy yourself then I am in awe as I know I could not do it.

Your domestic set up sounds more than adequate to successfully raise 5 good happy people. Chin up and ignore. Enjoy your family it sounds warm and busy.

No judgement from me, I admire people who can raise large happy families. I sometimes wish I was that sort of person, but 2 is my absolute limit!

on another note, I’m dying to know what your other half does - 15 hours a week, cushy and financially supports you all, because I want in! 😁

People judge others all the time no matter what.

My BF has one and she gets judged every which way for being 'selfish' to have one; her child will be spoiled etc.

I am horrified at the PP who got a poison pen letter though for having 5.

I have an acquaintance who has 9 with 5 fathers and I judge her a bit- she freely admits she gets bored once they become toddlers and loves the baby stage. Her kids do get farmed out a bit so she can concentrate on the babies and I personally don't think the older ones emotional needs are being met terribly well. But that is a specific example based on how it manifests rather than a judgement based on number IYSWIM

Edited to add- it's not the 5 fathers bit in itself that I judge- it's more the fact that there are competing parenting styles and no cohesion in approach. And mostly less than harmonious inter-parental relationships. It seems to be highly chaotic and not at all conducive to a stable upbringing for the children.

I don't judge based on number of children, assuming the children's needs are met and they're provided for emotionally.

I had a friend from a large family when I was a teen and what I struggled with was how much pseudo-parenting they ended up taking responsibility for because they were the eldest. Their parents were lovely but it left me thinking that if I had a large family I'd not want to have that set up

I don’t think I really judge but if I see a family with 4 kids+ I just have a bit of a ‘woa how are they affording it’ kind of reaction. Not a ‘omg get off of her’ reaction. Also defo a bit of jealousy! I always wanted lots of kids but financially I just couldn’t swing it. Congrats OP! Hope the pregnancy goes smoothly!

dont mind people having 4 as long as they are not on benefits!!! any more than 4 is over the top, benefits or not!

I have 2, both grown up, turned out to be really great people. I wish I had even more.
Such a judgemental world these days.

• @blueshoes No, we're not married. But so what? We've known each other for thirty years and we'd never hurt one another. I'm not sure if the point you're trying to take?*

She's obviously making the point that you're up shit creek being unmarried and not working with five kids to look after. If anything happened to your DP, intentionally or not, you'd be screwed. As are women on here every single day who are financially dependent on a man without the legal protection of marriage. They also trusted their partners and knew them and it made no difference. I wouldn't judge you on the number of kids but the blithe naivety is something else, not to even acknowledge the practical issue and be so "it couldn't happen to me." If it's no big deal, make the legal provisions, then you can carry on as you were with a safety net.

So what would happen if he became ill or died, had a brain injury that changed his personality, developed an addiction etc? Had a big mid life crisis and ran off with someone? What if you make a big mistake like an affair and he breaks up with you?

You're entirely reliant on his good will. He has all the earning capacity and therefore all the power.

Maybe he'll stay faithful and loving forever but there are plenty of women who thought their husbands were entirely dependable and life had other ideas. If you're not married, you can end up homeless, penniless and with no pension.

If you're going to be financially dependent on someone else as a sahm, it's a good idea to have a safety net. Why wouldn't you? A registry office do costs about £100.

If you don't want to get married then you at least need another legal arrangement to protect you, money and pension in your own name etc.