Page 4 | How many kids makes you judgey?

silkyfilament · 2023-12-01T22:05:48+00:00

So I'm 43 and unexpectedly pregnant with baby number 5. Our other children are aged 13, 10, 7 and 2. I'm utterly terrified about the judgement. My mother will be 🤦&zwj;♀️. She won't say anything, she'll smile and say things like 'there's plenty of love to go around', but I know what people will really think. I'm paranoid what mum's in the playground will think! For the record, we have the space in our home. DP has a great really well paid job, which is totally secure. I don't work! Which I think adds to my anxiety. But I'm totally supported financially and am happy with the arrangement we have. I do the home things, he earns the money. We share the house work because his job is cushy and he works about 15 hours a week. Should I just screw what anyone else thinks and do what we want? Or do I need to stop being single minded, think of my existing kids etc, get back to work....?

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mylittleprince · 02/12/2023 07:43

I don't judge, I just wonder how they can afford it.

Small children are cheap, teens are expensive and the thought of putting 5 kids through university would terrify me.

HNY2023 · 02/12/2023 07:45

Just love being a mum and family …. embrace it.

I have one and would have loved a larger family …. If they are judgy … they are probably jealous!

Wear it with pride !

and congratulations 🍼

cheezncrackers · 02/12/2023 07:49

I'd only judge if the DC weren't well cared for and the family clearly didn't have the resources - either time or money-wise - for the number of DC they had. How anyone can give more than three or four DC enough attention though I'll never know. I have two and that's plenty!

Wren43 · 02/12/2023 07:50

mylittleprince · 02/12/2023 07:43

I don't judge, I just wonder how they can afford it.

Small children are cheap, teens are expensive and the thought of putting 5 kids through university would terrify me.

I think alot of parents have a different idea of the uni thing, I don’t see it as my responsibility to pay for uni although it had the spare cash I would help or they can live at home

mylittleprince · 02/12/2023 07:53

@Wren43 unfortunately how much you contribute is based on your household earnings and it's not as simple as saying they can commute from home depending on where you live.

The other option is they just don't go.

LolaSmiles · 02/12/2023 07:53

I think alot of parents have a different idea of the uni thing, I don’t see it as my responsibility to pay for uni although it had the spare cash I would help or they can live at home
The issue is that student finance does consider parental income and parental assistance when allocating finance, so the reality for a lot of children is that if their parents are unwilling or unable to support them then they'll find themselves with fewer opportunities, less able to focus on their studies etc.

Prior to fertility issues I always thought I'd have a larger family, but university was one of the things that was on my radar as a worry if we managed a larger family.

ThePoetsWife · 02/12/2023 07:54

@Wren43

I think alot of parents have a different idea of the uni thing, I don’t see it as my responsibility to pay for uni although it had the spare cash I would help or they can live at home

The government disagrees. You're expected to make parental contributions towards their maintenance/living costs if your household income is above a certain threshold (around 35k I think)

Swirlyyyy · 02/12/2023 07:55

User890976 · 01/12/2023 22:22

I do judge people with more than 2 just because there are already too many people in the world and whether people like to admit it or not overpopulation is what’s driving climate change and environmental damage

however, as long as you have enough love, time, attention and money to go around them all I’m not sure why it matters what anyone else thinks, outside of your immediate family

I agree.

Angrycat2768 · 02/12/2023 07:55

cheezncrackers · 02/12/2023 07:49

I'd only judge if the DC weren't well cared for and the family clearly didn't have the resources - either time or money-wise - for the number of DC they had. How anyone can give more than three or four DC enough attention though I'll never know. I have two and that's plenty!

I agree. If you have the resources in terms of money, time and space then have as many as you want. I do judge people who have loads of kids and clearly don't have those things because they are spreading very limited resources around too many people. I know that is 'Only rich people should have more than one or two kids' but they are condemning their children to poor outcomes, when 2 children could have had the space and resources to achieve and educate themselves out of poverty but now face an uphill battle because they are having to share bedrooms, food and money with 5 siblings.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 02/12/2023 07:56

It wouldn't remotely occur to me to judge someone for this, unless it was clear that they were unable to care for or provide for their children and yet continued to have more. I once taught a boy who was one of 12 children! Lovely kid, happy family.

ThePoetsWife · 02/12/2023 07:56

*58k not 34k

grayhairdontcare · 02/12/2023 07:58

My mum was one of 15
I am 1 of 6
I don't judge people's choices.
But we were always judged.

pinkdelight · 02/12/2023 08:00

I think alot of parents have a different idea of the uni thing, I don’t see it as my responsibility to pay for uni although it had the spare cash I would help or they can live at home

Why wouldn't you see it as your responsibility to give your kids the best possible start in life that you can? If that means fewer kids and then having the spare cash to support them better then that makes sense to me. What's the different idea that other parents have?

IfYouDontAsk · 02/12/2023 08:03

NoCloudsAllowed · 02/12/2023 07:41

So what would happen if he became ill or died, had a brain injury that changed his personality, developed an addiction etc? Had a big mid life crisis and ran off with someone? What if you make a big mistake like an affair and he breaks up with you?

You're entirely reliant on his good will. He has all the earning capacity and therefore all the power.

Maybe he'll stay faithful and loving forever but there are plenty of women who thought their husbands were entirely dependable and life had other ideas. If you're not married, you can end up homeless, penniless and with no pension.

If you're going to be financially dependent on someone else as a sahm, it's a good idea to have a safety net. Why wouldn't you? A registry office do costs about £100.

If you don't want to get married then you at least need another legal arrangement to protect you, money and pension in your own name etc.

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Agree with every word of this. OP you are in such a vulnerable position as a SAHM who’s not working. There are countless heartbreaking threads on Mumsnet by women who thought their relationship was for life and that the legal protection of marriage was unnecessary. They have lived to bitterly regret their naivety.

Stress101 · 02/12/2023 08:04

Honestly I judge people with just one child.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 08:05

NoCloudsAllowed · 02/12/2023 07:41

So what would happen if he became ill or died, had a brain injury that changed his personality, developed an addiction etc? Had a big mid life crisis and ran off with someone? What if you make a big mistake like an affair and he breaks up with you?

You're entirely reliant on his good will. He has all the earning capacity and therefore all the power.

Maybe he'll stay faithful and loving forever but there are plenty of women who thought their husbands were entirely dependable and life had other ideas. If you're not married, you can end up homeless, penniless and with no pension.

If you're going to be financially dependent on someone else as a sahm, it's a good idea to have a safety net. Why wouldn't you? A registry office do costs about £100.

If you don't want to get married then you at least need another legal arrangement to protect you, money and pension in your own name etc.

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Completely agree here. As soon as you said you werent married, things change. Marriage gives legal protections.

does your dp pay into a private pension for you? Do you have decent savings in your name? Do you both have wills?

Back to the original point, Ive know large families both personally and professionally, 6+ kids, and id honestly by this point in life be surprised if their emotional needs are being adequately met in chaotic households. Every single family has the older children taking on much larger than average amounts of housework and childcare. One child was taken out of school in year 11, and sat no exams, as mum needed help as she had just had number 10.

Angrycat2768 · 02/12/2023 08:07

curaçao · 02/12/2023 04:35

Why dont you judge people with 1 or 2 chikdren? They are also contributing to world pipulation?

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I used to worry about world overpopulation but actually the world birthrate has been more or less stable since the 1970's and the birthrate outside Africa has been plummeting. So many people are not having children at all ( many through choice) that its not a big deal if a few families have more than 2. The world population is rising purely because people are living longer. We can't do anything about that in any ethical way apart from wait. Consumption is a major issue in the West and it is the young that have the ideas and energy to come up with solutions to that problem.

BrimfulOfMash · 02/12/2023 08:07

The marriage issue and why people are asking:

Marriage is for when / if shit hits the fan, and one partner has given up their career and earning potential and has no property or pension in their name.

You can put other things in place: Is your house jointly owned, are you on the deeds? Do you have a pension in your name? Does your DP have life insurance with you as the beneficiary? Does he have a Will naming you as beneficiary? Does his pension name you as beneficiary?

Wills and pensions naming you protect you if he dies, but not if you separate as they can be altered in an instant.

No one does these things because they plan to separate, contracts are for when the unthinkable, the unplanned for, strike.

And 5 kids is a lot for either you or your DP to provide for if anything went wrong.

Spacemoon · 02/12/2023 08:07

I'm a mum of 2 and even with just the 2 of them, I am constantly knackered and I struggle to get enough quality individual time with them, so to me, 5 kids is utter madness - BUT, note I said to me! I work full time and so it would be extremely selfish of me to even consider more children. Plus, if I'm honest, I couldn't afford more than 2, not comfortably and in a way I could give them the childhood I would want to anyway. If it works for your situation, then that's all that matters!

As mother's we get judged regardless of what we do, so fuck it.

ThePoetsWife · 02/12/2023 08:08

The only thing I would judge is the lack of security and safety net by not being married

TheaBrandt · 02/12/2023 08:08

Personally I judge any more than two. The planet is massively over crowded there are billions of us. And I don’t buy the economic “we need tax payers” argument because where does that ever end?! There is finite space and resources. Plus AI will replace many jobs.

Plus teens and young people are incredibly expensive and labour intensive now. Ours hitting late teens and we often say thank god we stopped at two. How do you afford all the driving lessons / tech / experiences/ university for 5?! We are high earners and works baulk at that.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 08:10

Wren43 · 02/12/2023 07:50

I think alot of parents have a different idea of the uni thing, I don’t see it as my responsibility to pay for uni although it had the spare cash I would help or they can live at home

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Of course it is your responsibility as the parent! Where else is an 18 year old going to get the money?!

anon2134 · 02/12/2023 08:13

I'm jealous of those that have more than 2 but only because I had to have a hysterectomy when I had dd.

I have 2 kids and would have loved to have 4.

User69371527 · 02/12/2023 08:13

I’d think you and your kids are very vulnerable financially

also to clarify - he works a job where his sole income can comfortably support a family of 7, yet it’s ‘cushy’ and he does 15 hours a week? Hmmmm

Twiglets1 · 02/12/2023 08:18

It depends if people can afford to have lots of children. If they can it’s up to them but if they can’t I would secretly judge them for having more than 2.

5 is excessive unless people have loads of money to support them all.