Page 2 | Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

hippygirllucky · 2023-05-03T02:08:40+00:00

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms. I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we *might* be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go. Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance. (P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 06:59

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 06:40

Thanks all, some of these suggestions are really good, I'm going to use one of the ones above :)

Oh yeah, we were ALL on the invite (received about a month ago) and the save the date, it seems they've suddenly changed their mind. I know he's going to pester me to find childcare and to come without her but I've never left DD with a babysitter and I don't feel right about it. I would just spend the whole day worrying. We're going to go to the zoo instead so we don't have to sit at home all sad while the whole family sends us lovely family pictures from the wedding!

Thanks all :)

If he pesters you then I'd get assertive at that point. "I've told you we aren't comfortable with childcare at the moment so please stop asking it is upsetting me"

SheilaFentiman · 03/05/2023 07:01

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

This is a great message.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2023 07:02

How old is the baby?

Yogagrandmum · 03/05/2023 07:02

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

I agree. Weddings are about starting a family

PissTakeSubstitution · 03/05/2023 07:03

We had this recently, when we declined the invite they then extended it to our child but I would have felt far too awkward taking them knowing everyone else had been told no.

In the end just my DH went and he said there were loads of kids there.

TheCraicDealer · 03/05/2023 07:05

I age zero issues with childfree weddings if that’s what the couple wants (although it does make destination weddings at our age a complete ballache). But uninviting the baby this late in the day and then nagging you to make it work? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I’d want him to know I knew he was lying so would go with similar to Furansfeathers ‘essays but start it with, “oh how strange, when I checked the venue website it said that under fives are welcome”, and then say about the lack of chilcare and being unable to attend. Might be petty but he should be called out on the lie, especially if you think he’ll have the gall to pressure you into leaving DD with someone you wouldn’t normally.

User63847484848 · 03/05/2023 07:07

Yes how old is the baby? Don’t think you’ve said

Littlegoth · 03/05/2023 07:08

I wish it was so easy to express enough milk to feed baby for a day! It would have taken me about 3 weeks of pumping every 2 hours (from bitter experience). Not all women have success pumping milk.

User63847484848 · 03/05/2023 07:08

And I know there’s no other family with babies but what about their friends or her family? Might be loads and they just had to have one rule

ElmTree22 · 03/05/2023 07:10

Littlegoth · 03/05/2023 07:08

I wish it was so easy to express enough milk to feed baby for a day! It would have taken me about 3 weeks of pumping every 2 hours (from bitter experience). Not all women have success pumping milk.

Also a lot of bf babies don't take bottles. My dd would rather starve 😂

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 07:11

Yogagrandmum · 03/05/2023 07:02

I agree. Weddings are about starting a family

Show quote history

Think about it. They might not be able to or have suffered a loss. Or not want children.

Lampzade · 03/05/2023 07:13

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

This is the response that I would give.

dancinfeet · 03/05/2023 07:14

just tell your cousin straight that if he doesn’t want your baby there then you don’t want to be there. I wouldn’t be polite about it, he is not giving you any consideration (having to juggle last min childcare for an ebf baby, that may or may not take a bottle of expressed milk) so
why give him any consideration? Would be different if your child was older and likely to run about / be disruptive, but they aren’t , and as long as you don’t let baby scream through the service and speeches (ie sit where you can make a quick exit if needed) there shouldn’t be an issue. I guess this is where you will find out if he really wants you there or not, but do t be pressured into leaving your baby with someone else if you don’t want to, or if it’s going to be a massive hassle for you to do so.

7yo7yo · 03/05/2023 07:18

Why are you being polite? And why do you not want to hurt their feelings?

Be clear

hi Cousin
due to the sudden change in rules we will not be attending. I cannot and will not leave my child with anyone as the only people I would leave them with are at the wedding.

Don’t wish them all the best and DO NOT send a card or a gift.
yeah everyone is allowed a childhood wedding but you are also allowed to let them know you are hurt.
I would also make it clear to the family you have no interest in pictures and videos.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 07:20

Littlegoth · 03/05/2023 07:08

I wish it was so easy to express enough milk to feed baby for a day! It would have taken me about 3 weeks of pumping every 2 hours (from bitter experience). Not all women have success pumping milk.

I couldn’t breastfeed and expressed all of DD’s milk. I still wouldn’t have left her to go to a wedding without her in those early months.

MsMoney · 03/05/2023 07:21

The only people I know who had child free weddings also massively kicked off when they, in turn, were unable to go to child free weddings because they had young babies.

Each the their own, I know, but I prefer weddings where children are included.

Anyway, a day at the zoo sounds good.

Treacletoots · 03/05/2023 07:23

I don't know what it is about weddings that turns people into massive dicks...

I was going to say I understand if you don't have kids yourself you just don't realise the issues around babies, childcare etc and all of that and expect people to just "get childcare".

However a friend of mine who actually has.2 young children of her own had recently invited us to a child free wedding, followed by a day afterwards for the family. So essentially we have to choose between which day we want to go, as we can't do both as it would involve a 3 hour round trip the morning after to pick up DC from grannies. The bride has suggested that we just attend both days, without DC! Honestly, expecting us to not see them for 2 days, plus putting upon grandparents for 2 days for their wedding... the complete lack of emotional awareness of the situation is making me not want to go.

Added to that, the wedding gift list is, utterly unbelievable with items such as a trip to center parcs, a meal out at a fancy restaurant, with nothing under £50 and most several hundreds, the deluded entitlement is real. Add to that the cost of a new outfit, the hotel stay over and cost of taxi as its very rural, its making my head explode thinking about it.

OP. Some People just behave like entitled selfish dicks when they're getting married and seemingly care more about their big day than relationships they've had for years. You have my sympathies.

Busybutbored · 03/05/2023 07:27

Treacletoots · 03/05/2023 07:23

I don't know what it is about weddings that turns people into massive dicks...

I was going to say I understand if you don't have kids yourself you just don't realise the issues around babies, childcare etc and all of that and expect people to just "get childcare".

However a friend of mine who actually has.2 young children of her own had recently invited us to a child free wedding, followed by a day afterwards for the family. So essentially we have to choose between which day we want to go, as we can't do both as it would involve a 3 hour round trip the morning after to pick up DC from grannies. The bride has suggested that we just attend both days, without DC! Honestly, expecting us to not see them for 2 days, plus putting upon grandparents for 2 days for their wedding... the complete lack of emotional awareness of the situation is making me not want to go.

Added to that, the wedding gift list is, utterly unbelievable with items such as a trip to center parcs, a meal out at a fancy restaurant, with nothing under £50 and most several hundreds, the deluded entitlement is real. Add to that the cost of a new outfit, the hotel stay over and cost of taxi as its very rural, its making my head explode thinking about it.

OP. Some People just behave like entitled selfish dicks when they're getting married and seemingly care more about their big day than relationships they've had for years. You have my sympathies.

Maybe you're the entitled selfish dick? The problem when you allow one thing, then it can get out of control. At my wedding if I had allowed children, I would have had 20 under 5's, no thanks I wanted a classy wedding, not a child's party. I always wondered if I had children if I would have done things differently, and the answer is no. And all my family who kicked up a fuss, managed to work it out and actually enjoyed their rare night out!

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 03/05/2023 07:28

It's a shame they changed their minds. Had you brought outfits or gifts yet?
I love a child free wedding. Having children or babies changes the atmosphere completely.
Just tell them baby is too young to be left. Wish them well and enjoy your zoo day.

TrueScrumptious · 03/05/2023 07:28

I don’t see that he lied necessarily. Children under five may be welcome at the venue but surely they still count towards capacity. Perhaps the cousin didn’t realise this and now they realise that the number of guests, including small children, puts them over capacity.

Hotfootgoose · 03/05/2023 07:30

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

This. Best not to make an argument out of it, before a wedding that will go down badly with everyone .

Busybutbored · 03/05/2023 07:30

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

Not everyone wants babies crying during the ceremony, kids yelling and running around, completely changes the dynamic and atmosphere. Surely you're not so blind sighted you can't see that?

Ellmau · 03/05/2023 07:31

I would amend one sentence in @FurAndFeathers' excellent template:

Sadly if the venue has just changed its policy and now does not allow babes-in-arms

Maybe a bit passive aggressive but shows you know he's lying....

Busybutbored · 03/05/2023 07:33

7yo7yo · 03/05/2023 07:18

Why are you being polite? And why do you not want to hurt their feelings?

Be clear

hi Cousin
due to the sudden change in rules we will not be attending. I cannot and will not leave my child with anyone as the only people I would leave them with are at the wedding.

Don’t wish them all the best and DO NOT send a card or a gift.
yeah everyone is allowed a childhood wedding but you are also allowed to let them know you are hurt.
I would also make it clear to the family you have no interest in pictures and videos.

Good lord, don't do this. Seriously I wonder about MN sometimes and if people actually have normal relationships in RL by some of the responses on here! 😳

DangerNoodles · 03/05/2023 07:35

It's understandable to be upset, child free weddings are fine but retracting an invite is rude, no matter how young the guest. If he puts pressure on you to come, call him out on his lie.

I left my older baby by choice to go to a wedding, never again! My boobs were like rocks by the end of the day and so painful. Luckily as DS was older he was fine on food, drink and a nighttime feed when I got home so I didn't have to express beforehand.