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Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:39

OP’s brother has recently married. I wonder whether the cousin/cousin’s wife to be saw something they didn’t want at their wedding at that event.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 03/05/2023 08:39

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:31

The “baby” is 16 months old…….

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

drpet49 · 03/05/2023 08:39

fantasyhomesbythesea · 03/05/2023 06:55

I would have thought babes in arms were an exception to the 'child free' rule. And if you had previously been invited and accepted, and now with a month to go, surely the venue will still charge them for the places for you and DH?

Sounds like they really want to you attend without baby are and I too would decline. It's not just about finding child care it's about a breastfeed baby needing to be with her Mum.

This. Poor form for them to tell you one month before the wedding.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:40

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/05/2023 08:38

@GCWorkNightmare The OP doesn't say that and I'm not going to go stalking her previous posts to try and catch her out.

At 16 months I was still expressing breastmilk for my child during my working day. A highchair would be useful but I managed a wedding when they were about 12 months sat on my lap the whole time. I brought snacks and she shared my meal. No sure what your point is.

The OP has, I believe, been rather disingenuous in their post here to illicit sympathy and support under false pretences.

Not the biggest crime in the world, but rather frustrating.

TheKobayashiMaru · 03/05/2023 08:41

DappledThings · 03/05/2023 08:07

I think many people have a funny idea of what constitutes too much child noise. And very different ideas of what is acceptable. I've been taken to church all my life and taken my children all of theirs too. They are not expected to be silent but they are expected to be restrained. Babies crying happen sometimes and should be taken out if they get excessive but a bit of it isn't a big deal.

At my wedding one baby cried out just at the perfect moment, just as they asked if anyone had any impediment to the marriage. A toddler was dancing in the aisle as we came back up and had to be moved. The joy of both those moments was only an enhancement to the solemnity, not a detraction.

Expecting everything to be perfect is never going to go well.

Show quote history

You might think a toddler dancing in the aisle who is in your way is a 'joy', I wouldn't think that.

underneaththeash · 03/05/2023 08:42

I can completely understand why someone wouldn't want a toddler at a wedding. She's probably attended another wedding which was spoiled by one!

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:43

TheKobayashiMaru · 03/05/2023 08:41

You might think a toddler dancing in the aisle who is in your way is a 'joy', I wouldn't think that.

Show quote history

I nearly speared my cousin’s toddler with my heel
as we did our first dance. They’d let him crawl onto the dance floor and I was so busy concentrating on the dance I didn’t see him. He got dragged away by the heel as my foot went up over him.

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/05/2023 08:44

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

A childfree wedding is bliss!

abasketcase · 03/05/2023 08:47

Our group of friend had four waves of people getting married and then having kids.

First wave of people got married and the weddings were huge pissups and loads of fun.

Those people brought their babies were mostly the first wave of babies and brought those babies to the second wave of weddings

The second wave of weddings was way less fun within the group as several people had babies at the table and what we single people didn't realise was that a couple of the new mums were having a really hard time adjusting to motherhood and we're not up for having a drunken time like before

By the third wave of weddings most of the group were demanding child free weddings so that people could let their hair down. (I was the exception to the rule as I have a huuuuge family and there was no way I was having a child free wedding- I just hired a nanny service in a separate room with a kids party during the speeches so people could enjoy the day and the babies and small kids weren't interrupting the important bits)

In the fourth wave of weddings the child free theme continued and there was no leeway on this. I was expected to leave my 12 week old baby in the uk and fly to another country without him. Then I had a 4 week old fully bf baby and wasn't allowed to take her to a wedding where dh was part of the wedding party. Another couple that flew from oz had to book a room in the same hotel and hire a nanny to look after their baby of the same age. I spent the whole wedding running up to our room and trying unsuccessfully to pump and hating every minute of that wedding.

Then when that wave of friends started having babies, the apologies started!! Of course they had no idea what it meant to leave a new baby- they had never had one! They knew they wanted child free weddings so their friends could have a good time but they didn't understand that they couldn't demand babies weren't allowed.

Your cousin (and his fiancée) just probably don't understand! And unless you are honest and explain then he won't know until they have their own babies but that'll be too late. If you're close to your cousin then have the conversation with him and his fiancée. If he still doesn't allow your baby to come then allow that to ruin your relationship, but not his lack of understanding before you enlighten him

GingerKombucha · 03/05/2023 08:48

Usually venues don't charge for a babe in arms but they are counted as a person for fire safety regulations and legal caps in numbers. They might not have realised at first and are right up to the numbers.

abasketcase · 03/05/2023 08:49

And I agree he is counting the baby for capacity reasons and he is probably being charged per head.

DunkingMyDonuts · 03/05/2023 08:49

WandaWonder · 03/05/2023 04:27

It's there weddingg so I would just say 'sorry can't make it'

I don't why the need to give a lecture like 'well we are not coming because our baby cant' or variations on that

Either go or dont

"Either go or don't"

... ummm yes, those usually ARE the only 2 options 😂

WasabiCrackers · 03/05/2023 08:54

Any invite to a wedding that’s changed is just bad manners unless for some kind of genuine safety reason though I can’t think of one.

Just write thanks for your msg, as the invite has been changed I will now have to change our response and we will be unable to attend.

Just simple and straightforward, no emotion, no attempt at explanation or emotional blackmail. Any kind of explanation may have him attempt to find a solution.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:55

abasketcase · 03/05/2023 08:49

And I agree he is counting the baby for capacity reasons and he is probably being charged per head.

She’s not a baby……..

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 03/05/2023 08:55

@hippygirllucky you say under 5’s are catered for free of charge. Does your DD require a meal? A high chair?

Either way it’s shabby to put her name on the invitation then send a text to un-invite her.

ManyRiversToCross · 03/05/2023 08:55

Like many people, I think a toddler is different from a baby in arms and I think only having one toddler - who will get fractious, will need entertaining, and be bored silly - at a wedding that isn't catering for kids, YABU about. A newborn or tiny baby is a different matter.

I think you are being a bit disingenuous about breastfeeding too. At 16 months, mine only breastfed morning and evening and could certainly manage a few hours away from me.

ShandaLear · 03/05/2023 08:56

Of course you can go to the wedding if you wanted. Your baby is a 16 month old toddler and is presumably eating pie and chips by this stage, so can be left with her father, a friend, or a babysitter. You don’t even have to go for the whole day - you could leave after dinner if you wanted. Even if children are welcome at the hotel there may still be a capacity issue if there’s a limited number of people allowed at the venue. If your child goes to nursery ask her key worker if she’s available for childminding. We often did this when we wanted to go out and it was quite expensive but it worked well.

LobsterBiscuit · 03/05/2023 08:58

I think the OP is still young. Meaning, she's the first to have a child?

OP don't send any of these "babe-in-arms" responses if your kid is actually 16 months old 🤣 fucking hell. And if that's the case of course they need a place at the table.

Just go without your husband, you're not joined at the hip.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 08:59

Just how old is your baby OP? A 16 month old can be very annoying.

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:00

Personally I'd act like I hadn't received the message and just go anyway. Different if your child was of an age to be running about, need a seat and a meal but you will have baby in your arms. I'm a stubborn pita though.

He probably thinks baby will take the attention away from his bride.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/05/2023 09:00

meh i just wouldn't go it's just a wedding - 1 day! do something else nice that day.

my daughter wasn't invited to my own sisters baby (she was 10 months old) i just left her with my husband and had a bloody brilliant time on mt own

appreciate a younger breastfed baby this isn't as easy to do as she needs you though - so in your case id just decline.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 09:00

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:00

Personally I'd act like I hadn't received the message and just go anyway. Different if your child was of an age to be running about, need a seat and a meal but you will have baby in your arms. I'm a stubborn pita though.

He probably thinks baby will take the attention away from his bride.

Do not do this. I went to a wedding where someone did this. It did not go down well and the friendship was ruined.

trisfreya · 03/05/2023 09:01

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 06:40

Thanks all, some of these suggestions are really good, I'm going to use one of the ones above :)

Oh yeah, we were ALL on the invite (received about a month ago) and the save the date, it seems they've suddenly changed their mind. I know he's going to pester me to find childcare and to come without her but I've never left DD with a babysitter and I don't feel right about it. I would just spend the whole day worrying. We're going to go to the zoo instead so we don't have to sit at home all sad while the whole family sends us lovely family pictures from the wedding!

Thanks all :)

"I know he's going to pester me to find childcare and to come without her"

Just repeat, I dont have anyone to look after DD, so we cannot attend - best wishes

caringcarer · 03/05/2023 09:02

It's their entitlement to a child free wedding but they should not have invited the baby on invite. It's very poor just a month before the wedding to suddenly say no kids. Have you bought your outfit yet? I'd reply you'd have loved to attend but it's now too short notice to get a babysitter for EBF baby. Have a lovely day.

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:02

Scrap that. I've just read the last replies stating your child is in fact a toddler. In this case, you could go and leave little one with your husband if you really wanted to be there.