Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Larger families

Find out all about large family cars, holidays and more right here.

Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
katemulberrybush · 03/05/2023 07:37

Id be upset too. My cousin said I couldn't bring my child because only close family children invited. Maybe her husband had loads of niece/nephews but she has none and no other cousins so my child was the only one on her side

Anyway, just respond back, sorry wr wont be able to join you as we are unable to leave a breastfed babe in arms at home alone

DangerNoodles · 03/05/2023 07:38

Oh and there is no way I would be sending them a gift!

I hope you haven't bought outfits, booked hotels etc. I would have done with a month to go. God I would be so pissed off!

RedHelenB · 03/05/2023 07:40

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

This. Friends changed their mind so we could attend with our children due to breastfeeding.

ShoesoftheWorld · 03/05/2023 07:40

Tbh, so close to the date, and having originally explicitly invited all of you, I'd be wondering if they (or someone very close to the bride) had had a pregnancy loss.

As you haven't been given that information, though, FurAndFeathers' reply is very good.

(I am not a fan of child-free weddings. Children might 'change the atmosphere', but it seems odd to exclude a part of one's circle of family and friends on the grounds of age. Do we ban over-80s (who may also 'change the atmosphere')? Joyous, all-age, intergenerational celebrations, not 'classy' ones, are the way to go IMO. But that's an aside).

Isthisexpected · 03/05/2023 07:40

Age of baby is irrelevant. The mother doesn't want to leave the baby. That's all PP need to know.

Have a lovely time at the zoo!

ShoesoftheWorld · 03/05/2023 07:41

As for faffing around expressing and being away from my ebf baby all day, that would not have been happening when I was bf mine. It's a dyad for a reason.

katemulberrybush · 03/05/2023 07:43

I don't see how a baby can ruin a wedding

Newborns sleep a lot anyhow. Bit different if a kid is taking a seat round the table and the place of an adult friend

The bride is worried your baby will upstage her.

Ruin the precious moment where they exchange their vows 🙄

greyhairnomore · 03/05/2023 07:44

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

Is there anything worse than kids screaming during the ceremony and running about a reception all night ? No

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 07:45

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

Yes, people whinging about them is far more miserable.

WeAreTheHeroes · 03/05/2023 07:45

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

I completely agree. The only time I would think excluding kids would be appropriate would be if the parents have a reputation for letting them run riot/scream the place down rather than removing them.

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 07:46

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

This nailed it. The perfect response I think.

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 07:46

I really would ask him why he felt the need to lie. He could have said they want no babies, because they cry and scream. He didn't need to go to the extent of lying. I really would call him out on it. Lying to you is not on. 100% call him out on the lie, at least.

WeAreTheHeroes · 03/05/2023 07:46

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 07:45

Yes, people whinging about them is far more miserable.

Show quote history

🙄

Backtobed · 03/05/2023 07:47

You obviously have a different relationship with your family than I do, because I wouldn't beat around the bush

Bartlebum · 03/05/2023 07:48

I absolutely wouldn't go either. I think the low he told is the reason you are so upset, and I would feel exactly the same.

It's absolutely reasonable to not want to / be able to leave a small baby with someone for a whole day, I have had three BF children and I was pressured to leave my first with a babysitter for a family event and I hated it so much. I did not do it again for my other two until they were ready. Some people are able to leave babies with a sitter and that's absolutely great for them, but it's perfectly normal not to do that too.

If he is super close to you like you say. Once you have dealt with the emotions his messages has left you with, I would consider going to the actual wedding part and having my husband wait nearby with the baby, then you can go off afterwards and leave them to enjoy their baby free party. It might take you a few days to process your disappointment but this could be a fair compromise to ensure you witness the important part of the day.

You will gradually get used to being excluded by those without kids a lot more, but you'll find a network through your baby that will keep you busy and happy, I'm sure.

Bartlebum · 03/05/2023 07:49

Lie, not low!

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 07:50

WeAreTheHeroes · 03/05/2023 07:46

🙄

Show quote history

🤔

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 07:52

WeAreTheHeroes · 03/05/2023 07:45

I completely agree. The only time I would think excluding kids would be appropriate would be if the parents have a reputation for letting them run riot/scream the place down rather than removing them.

Show quote history

The problem is you don't know that until it happens. Weddings are not a place to gamble with that. It's a solemn adult event, not a children's party. Another recent thread said their vows were drowned out by babies crying and the parents didn't take them out. Why take that risk, why take that gamble? When it's about an adult relationship, not a toddler's party. I disagree vehemently with children at a wedding, I think it's selfish, and also selfish for the children who would rather be anywhere else.

custardbear · 03/05/2023 07:54

Zoo is a good option.
If it's very local I'd pop in for the ceremony itself and not the reception, and if the thought of it is awful to not go I'd leave DH at home with the baby.
I hope you're able to find a solution

Bartlebum · 03/05/2023 07:54

Also I forgot to add that once I found out the wedding I was going to was child-free on the morning. Literally all dressed and ready with our new outfits, hair done, my first event after having a baby so nice to feel dressed up. The wedding was in a different city so the transport and accommodation was also sorted. It was suggested I could stand outside the venue so that people could come and meet the baby. Needless to say I was raging but I did quickly find a new plan for the day!

JPduck · 03/05/2023 07:58

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

Use this message for your cousin

QueenSmartypants · 03/05/2023 07:58

Be prepared, op, I think you'll find that other children have been included.

Bartlebum · 03/05/2023 07:58

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 07:52

The problem is you don't know that until it happens. Weddings are not a place to gamble with that. It's a solemn adult event, not a children's party. Another recent thread said their vows were drowned out by babies crying and the parents didn't take them out. Why take that risk, why take that gamble? When it's about an adult relationship, not a toddler's party. I disagree vehemently with children at a wedding, I think it's selfish, and also selfish for the children who would rather be anywhere else.

Show quote history

I get your point about kids disrupting the ceremony, but if they are excluded for the whole day it's nothing to do with that.

It would be easy to say - sorry we don't want any children for the ceremony part, but they are welcome to party afterwards - if that's what it was about. Then it would be easy to arrange a babysitter / husband for an hour to look after the baby, or the B&G could organise something for the older kids to keep them occupied.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2023 08:02

Isthisexpected · 03/05/2023 07:40

Age of baby is irrelevant. The mother doesn't want to leave the baby. That's all PP need to know.

Have a lovely time at the zoo!

Age is relavent when people are using the expression "babe in arms".

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2023 08:03

Its also relavent when the OP uses breastfeeding as an excuse not to leave the baby.