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Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

ninemonthstime · 03/05/2023 03:20

I think he should have just said it's going to be a child free wedding rather than talk about capacity.

A baby takes up no room and won't be eating, so that excuse makes it more hurtful.

As harsh as it sounds, I don't think he is going to very very upset that you're not going. He must realise this will be the consequence of his message.

I'd just reply with something along the following lines:

"Thanks for your message. Unfortunately, if we cannot bring a baby in arms, then we will no longer be able to attend as we have nobody who can care for them".

autienotnaughtym · 03/05/2023 04:14

Would you consider going and dh stay home with baby?

If not a simple explanation about childcare would be fine.

People who don't have children or who have a lot of on tap childcare are generally less thoughtful about issues it might create.

Ponderingwindow · 03/05/2023 04:19

As X is so young, we obviously won’t be able to attend without her/him. Have a wonderful wedding.

they know what they are doing by making this decision. You don’t need to write back anything more than the above.

Yerroblemom1923 · 03/05/2023 04:23

Can you leave the baby at home with your dh so you don't miss out as sounds like you'd like to be there? I know you said the baby is breastfed but you could leave enough expressed milk.
Your cousin probably isn't thinking or might be concerned the baby will cry during the ceremony etc.

WandaWonder · 03/05/2023 04:27

It's there weddingg so I would just say 'sorry can't make it'

I don't why the need to give a lecture like 'well we are not coming because our baby cant' or variations on that

Either go or dont

FortofPud · 03/05/2023 04:29

@FurAndFeathers reply was perfect- let's them know you are disappointed but isn't rude or grumpy. Also gives them out if they change their mind "turns out the venue policy does have leeway after all, hurrah!".

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 03/05/2023 04:33

Just say you won’t be coming - honestly he lied about the venue because he knew you would take it badly. They have made their choice, they want a child free wedding more than they want you there. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you but this wedding isn’t about you. Weddings are stressful - all the guests are important to them and it’s unfair to make demands.

DucksNewburyport · 03/05/2023 04:37

I agree with pp - can't you go alone and leave the baby with DH? You could leave expressed milk or maybe you could pop out to feed her if DH is close by?

I was bridesmaid at a wedding when DD was 3 months old and EBF and not invited. My parents very kindly looked after DD and I met them a couple of times during the wedding to feed. My friend has since apologised for not inviting DD!

Remaker · 03/05/2023 04:47

We’ve had this situation a couple of times in the family. My brother and his wife didn’t attend a cousin’s wedding because children weren’t invited. When another cousin got married DH stayed home with the children and I went by myself. I agree with PP, he knows the implications of this decision. It’s nothing to do with the venue, they want a baby-free wedding which is their right. Just send a polite response saying you’re disappointed to miss out but are unable to attend without your DD.

SargentSagittarius · 03/05/2023 04:55

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

End of thread, to be honest - reply No. 1 from @FurAndFeathers is perfect.

I had to say this to a close friend, and he ended up inviting me (and DH and 5MO EBF DD).

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 04:57

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

I'd do this but without the leeway bit- just as you've made your decision they have made theirs.

JandalsAlways · 03/05/2023 05:09

Keep it simple. "Sorry we are unable to attend as we don't have childcare. Hope you have a wonderful day." No need to make a big deal about it.

Morestrangerthings · 03/05/2023 05:11

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

Good response.

It makes clear OP would love to be there ,but if situation can't be changed OP understands and is very happy for the couple.

Wotsitmom2022 · 03/05/2023 06:06

It’s poor that they left it until a month before the wedding to say it would be a child free wedding.
my cousin is getting married a year and a half and as soon as they were engaged they said “it’s going to be a child free wedding but we’ll give plenty of notice so there is time to arrange childcare etc”.
was your baby on the invite?

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

Mumdiva99 · 03/05/2023 06:12

I had similar with my cousins wedding. There sibling was allowed to take their baby. Did I feel bad.....no, because their sibling can't miss the wedding. Was I sad? Yes. But I get it.

The response earlier was great. But don't use the leeway bit.....
They know you won't be able to go.

Fucket · 03/05/2023 06:19

had you already bought an outfit and
wedding gift? Can you get a refund? I think I’d be so angry to be told one month before.

fair enough have a child-free wedding, but have the guts to say so on the invite. That’s fair enough.

I wouldn’t be bothered replying with a polite “enjoy your wedding anyway message”. I’d just give it radio silence and then not go.

but then I’m the sort of person who cuts off folk who treat me and my children like an afterthought. I don’t need them in my life (family or otherwise).

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/05/2023 06:25

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

Perfect response.

They are dicks leaving it to 1 month before.
I have no idea what it is about weddings that turns people (guests bridal party and bride/groom) into self absorbed jerks but 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am currently enduring my DH groomsmans wedding and the whole thing is one big inconvenient selfish clusterfuck so i have nothing but sympathy.
Go do something nice on the day itself.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 06:38

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

We don't know why it's childfree. Perhaps the couple are unable to have children and want one day when they don't have to think about them.

Original poster
hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 06:40

Thanks all, some of these suggestions are really good, I'm going to use one of the ones above :)

Oh yeah, we were ALL on the invite (received about a month ago) and the save the date, it seems they've suddenly changed their mind. I know he's going to pester me to find childcare and to come without her but I've never left DD with a babysitter and I don't feel right about it. I would just spend the whole day worrying. We're going to go to the zoo instead so we don't have to sit at home all sad while the whole family sends us lovely family pictures from the wedding!

Thanks all :)

OP posts:
pilates · 03/05/2023 06:42

Can you go and your husband look after the baby. You could express some milk?

fantasyhomesbythesea · 03/05/2023 06:55

I would have thought babes in arms were an exception to the 'child free' rule. And if you had previously been invited and accepted, and now with a month to go, surely the venue will still charge them for the places for you and DH?

Sounds like they really want to you attend without baby are and I too would decline. It's not just about finding child care it's about a breastfeed baby needing to be with her Mum.

YWP · 03/05/2023 06:56

100% don’t go, it’s a complete faff expressing milk and stressing leaving your baby for a whole day. You won’t enjoy the day if you have left them and DH at home.

Defo go to the zoo and have an amazing family day trip out.

Try not to feel too hurt, but I know you will which is understandable. It’s their choice and their loss!

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 03/05/2023 06:58

Even worse to invite you all then change their minds - that is an absolute no-no. Well, they’re not going to look good to anyone who asks them why you’re not there!

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