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Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
Chicaontour · 03/05/2023 08:04

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 06:40

Thanks all, some of these suggestions are really good, I'm going to use one of the ones above :)

Oh yeah, we were ALL on the invite (received about a month ago) and the save the date, it seems they've suddenly changed their mind. I know he's going to pester me to find childcare and to come without her but I've never left DD with a babysitter and I don't feel right about it. I would just spend the whole day worrying. We're going to go to the zoo instead so we don't have to sit at home all sad while the whole family sends us lovely family pictures from the wedding!

Thanks all :)

Leaving your baby with its father is not leaving them with a random babysitter! I understand that you are disappointed but unless your baby refuses expressed milk then you are choosing not to go (which is also your right)

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 08:05

ShoesoftheWorld · 03/05/2023 07:40

Tbh, so close to the date, and having originally explicitly invited all of you, I'd be wondering if they (or someone very close to the bride) had had a pregnancy loss.

As you haven't been given that information, though, FurAndFeathers' reply is very good.

(I am not a fan of child-free weddings. Children might 'change the atmosphere', but it seems odd to exclude a part of one's circle of family and friends on the grounds of age. Do we ban over-80s (who may also 'change the atmosphere')? Joyous, all-age, intergenerational celebrations, not 'classy' ones, are the way to go IMO. But that's an aside).

I think you might have hit it on the head. There is a reason behind this change of heart.

The other though is they didn't think babies counted towards capacity numbers, they might be free but still count in the numbers.

Op the change of mind would really piss me off but they'll be some reason behind it.

DappledThings · 03/05/2023 08:07

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 07:52

The problem is you don't know that until it happens. Weddings are not a place to gamble with that. It's a solemn adult event, not a children's party. Another recent thread said their vows were drowned out by babies crying and the parents didn't take them out. Why take that risk, why take that gamble? When it's about an adult relationship, not a toddler's party. I disagree vehemently with children at a wedding, I think it's selfish, and also selfish for the children who would rather be anywhere else.

Show quote history

I think many people have a funny idea of what constitutes too much child noise. And very different ideas of what is acceptable. I've been taken to church all my life and taken my children all of theirs too. They are not expected to be silent but they are expected to be restrained. Babies crying happen sometimes and should be taken out if they get excessive but a bit of it isn't a big deal.

At my wedding one baby cried out just at the perfect moment, just as they asked if anyone had any impediment to the marriage. A toddler was dancing in the aisle as we came back up and had to be moved. The joy of both those moments was only an enhancement to the solemnity, not a detraction.

Expecting everything to be perfect is never going to go well.

SecondtimeMama29 · 03/05/2023 08:09

People who don't have kids don't understand. They worry they will cry in the ceremony and be distracting, they worry people won't let their hair down, they worry they'll make noise in the speeches.

I'm sorry this has happened but honestly wait till he has children. Sadly, people without them just don't get it. 😢

FrenchandSaunders · 03/05/2023 08:10

The OP hasn’t said that age of the baby but mentioned ‘still breast feeding’ which makes me think it isn’t a newborn but an older baby/toddler.

Its odd to be uninvited so close to the wedding …. have you recently met up and your baby was a bit of a mare crying or tantrumming?

Fandabedodgy · 03/05/2023 08:14

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

This is a good suggestion

PS Your cousin is a coward for not being honest but

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:14

FrenchandSaunders · 03/05/2023 08:10

The OP hasn’t said that age of the baby but mentioned ‘still breast feeding’ which makes me think it isn’t a newborn but an older baby/toddler.

Its odd to be uninvited so close to the wedding …. have you recently met up and your baby was a bit of a mare crying or tantrumming?

Elsewhere she says she’s 16 months. That’s not a newborn baby!!!! 🤯

2chocolateoranges · 03/05/2023 08:21

I'd message back

We are now unable to attend your wedding due to childcare. Have a wonderful day.

goldencaster · 03/05/2023 08:23

I don't understand. You said you had children so it's not just about the baby, is it? You must have at least one older child too.

Very bad form to invite the whole family, children and all, and then change the rules only a month beforehand. Many people would have spent a small fortune on new outfits and hotel bills etc. I would make sure the rest of the family (particularly my my parents) knows that you'd accepted the invitation but been excluded because of the children. You might find the venue mysteriously has a change of rules.

Floraltears · 03/05/2023 08:23

Just decline the invite and don’t be pressured into going.

it’s a good opportunity to let the rest of your family know that you are a unit of 3.

this happened to us when I had a breastfed baby and got pressured into leaving DH in the hotel while I went to the family wedding and had to kept nipping back to the hotel to feed her as she would take a bottle. It was a stressful time for me and I wish I had made the stand then and not gone, I don’t have anything to do with those family members now anyway and I hate that I didn’t put my family of 3 first.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:24

goldencaster · 03/05/2023 08:23

I don't understand. You said you had children so it's not just about the baby, is it? You must have at least one older child too.

Very bad form to invite the whole family, children and all, and then change the rules only a month beforehand. Many people would have spent a small fortune on new outfits and hotel bills etc. I would make sure the rest of the family (particularly my my parents) knows that you'd accepted the invitation but been excluded because of the children. You might find the venue mysteriously has a change of rules.

Elsewhere she has one 16 month old child and is considering number 2.

Floraltears · 03/05/2023 08:24

Wouldnt* take a bottle

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/05/2023 08:27

That's really poor of them to change their mind when your child was on the original invitation. I would totally let him know how upset you are. I very much doubt its the venue's issue and their (or partner's) preference.

But I wouldn't go either. I wouldn't want to leave my baby for that length of time and spend time stressing about expressing milk before the day and getting them used to a bottle as well as finding someone who knows your child well enough to look after them. And depending on their age you might have to express during the day which would mean finding somewhere to do it and that's not what you want to be doing.

goldencaster · 03/05/2023 08:28

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:24

Elsewhere she has one 16 month old child and is considering number 2.

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Ah — sorry I missed that. When did anyone last call a toddler and the idea of maybe having another child 'children'?

Hazelnuttella · 03/05/2023 08:28

Your much nicer than me OP, I’d be giving a very passive aggressive response.

(I don’t object to child free weddings, but they’ve invited and then un-invited your DD which is really bad).

“That’s disappointing that you’ve changed your mind about DD being invited. We won’t be able to come now unfortunately”.

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 08:30

goldencaster · 03/05/2023 08:28

Ah — sorry I missed that. When did anyone last call a toddler and the idea of maybe having another child 'children'?

Show quote history

The OP only says "a child" not children doesn't she?

Treacletoots · 03/05/2023 08:30

@Busybutbored clearly you didn't bother to read my entire post before making such a snap judgment. 🙄

My issue was that the bride expects us to be child free for 2 days, not the one, and also the wedding gift list had the most unbelievable items on it costing hundreds and even thousands of pounds.

One night off, no problem, but give up an entire weekend for someone else's selfish indulgence, no thanks. I actually like my DC and don't want to spend an entire weekend away from them.

Also did you consider that people on that 'rare night off' maybe didn't want to spend it at your wedding.. heaven forbid.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:31

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/05/2023 08:27

That's really poor of them to change their mind when your child was on the original invitation. I would totally let him know how upset you are. I very much doubt its the venue's issue and their (or partner's) preference.

But I wouldn't go either. I wouldn't want to leave my baby for that length of time and spend time stressing about expressing milk before the day and getting them used to a bottle as well as finding someone who knows your child well enough to look after them. And depending on their age you might have to express during the day which would mean finding somewhere to do it and that's not what you want to be doing.

The “baby” is 16 months old…….

goldencaster · 03/05/2023 08:31

Hold on a minute, the OP says clearly in her first post:
I had kids quite young

So there would appear to be at least one other child involved.

ChateauMargaux · 03/05/2023 08:31

We had a child free wedding and had two couples who couldn't come because of our decision. We understood their reasons and accepted them. We were at a different stage of life and prioritised having an adult party, friends with children were at a different stage of life and we accepted that.

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 08:32

I don't understand how a 16 month old won't need a seat though.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:32

goldencaster · 03/05/2023 08:31

Hold on a minute, the OP says clearly in her first post:
I had kids quite young

So there would appear to be at least one other child involved.

There isn’t. No idea why it’s posted on Larger Families either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:33

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 08:32

I don't understand how a 16 month old won't need a seat though.

And food. Given no 16 month old is fully breastfed.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/05/2023 08:37

I wonder if this is a genuine case of a mistake by the groom. Babies in arms don't count towards capacity but children do. And when they were planning they had not realised how old your child would be.

A 16 month old doesn't count as a babe in arms. Will require a high chair for the meal.etc. and therefore counts as a person.

The logical thing would be for you to go and the child to spend the day with their father. You can feed before you go and a 16 month year old will be fine on food and no breast milk for one day.

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/05/2023 08:38

@GCWorkNightmare The OP doesn't say that and I'm not going to go stalking her previous posts to try and catch her out.

At 16 months I was still expressing breastmilk for my child during my working day. A highchair would be useful but I managed a wedding when they were about 12 months sat on my lap the whole time. I brought snacks and she shared my meal. No sure what your point is.