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Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
trisfreya · 03/05/2023 09:02

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:00

Personally I'd act like I hadn't received the message and just go anyway. Different if your child was of an age to be running about, need a seat and a meal but you will have baby in your arms. I'm a stubborn pita though.

He probably thinks baby will take the attention away from his bride.

or he (or bride) doesnt want babies/children at their wedding

that is allowed you know

katemulberrybush · 03/05/2023 09:03

LobsterBiscuit · 03/05/2023 08:58

I think the OP is still young. Meaning, she's the first to have a child?

OP don't send any of these "babe-in-arms" responses if your kid is actually 16 months old 🤣 fucking hell. And if that's the case of course they need a place at the table.

Just go without your husband, you're not joined at the hip.

Oh crikey! Yes, 16 months is different to a newborn. I thought you meant under 6 months

If baby is over 6m then they're going to want/need solid food somewhere in the day. Totally different

JorisBonson · 03/05/2023 09:05

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

There are no children in my family. My child free wedding was far from miserable.

Newestname002 · 03/05/2023 09:05

Bartlebum · 03/05/2023 07:54

Also I forgot to add that once I found out the wedding I was going to was child-free on the morning. Literally all dressed and ready with our new outfits, hair done, my first event after having a baby so nice to feel dressed up. The wedding was in a different city so the transport and accommodation was also sorted. It was suggested I could stand outside the venue so that people could come and meet the baby. Needless to say I was raging but I did quickly find a new plan for the day!

Wow! How on Earth did that happen?! I'm not surprised you were raging after looking forward this event with your baby, organising and paying for clothes, hair etc, travel, hotel. I hope your alternative event for the day was enjoyable but I'd find it hard to forgive, in your shoes... 🌹

Clickcamera · 03/05/2023 09:07

If you really wanted to go could you afford to get a hotel nearby where DH and baby can stay and you could leave to breastfeed?

If not then I would just write a simple
'I am so sorry but due to dd being breastfed we are unable to attend but hope you have a lovely day' and leave it at that, they have probably lied that it is the venue and not them because they did not want to hurt or upset you by saying no children which is clearly what they wanted.

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 09:08

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:00

Personally I'd act like I hadn't received the message and just go anyway. Different if your child was of an age to be running about, need a seat and a meal but you will have baby in your arms. I'm a stubborn pita though.

He probably thinks baby will take the attention away from his bride.

And you are the exact selfish person that is the very reason children aren't allowed at weddings. It is the very people like you who demand children go and have no concern for anyone but yourself, not even the bride and groom, or others who did the right thing and got a babysitter, that is the very person who don't take their children out when they cry, scream or fuss. If you turned up to my wedding with your baby, the usher would frog march you right back out!

Jemandthehologramsunite · 03/05/2023 09:09

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:00

Personally I'd act like I hadn't received the message and just go anyway. Different if your child was of an age to be running about, need a seat and a meal but you will have baby in your arms. I'm a stubborn pita though.

He probably thinks baby will take the attention away from his bride.

Wow you should seriously consider therapy. It will just be that babies can be disruptive, not that the bride is jealous. That's quite a disturbing leap and you should unpack that! Also the fact you'd just turn up and ruins someone's wedding. Wow, just wow. Smh.

Mischance · 03/05/2023 09:14

You have made the right decision - but definitely do not let this cause sleepless nights! - it really is not worth it.

For all you know the decision might emanate from his fiancee or her family and he is under pressure. She might be Bridezilla!!

Personally - though this is irrelevant - I love weddings with children and think it s great that they are included in family events.

Cakeandcardio · 03/05/2023 09:14

I'm in this position with my cousin's upcoming wedding. The difference is that it won't be child free as her niece will be there. I think you've had lots of good advice on what to say. I'm just here to offer support and say that I understand it is shit and I totally get why you feel sad about it.

Wotsitmom2022 · 03/05/2023 09:17

I don’t think it matters the age of the baby. It’s rude to unitive someone so close to the day without a truthful reason.
not always so easy to arrange childcare short notice and what if husband wanted to go as well?
what if they have all bought outfits and paid hotel etc.

Peachy2005 · 03/05/2023 09:17

@Treacletoots Your dilemma is an easy one. Just decline the invitation for both days…you will save a fortune. Say your childcare fell through.

At our wedding, we didn’t put kids on the invitations as we didn’t want large numbers of them - at that point, some of the older cousins had a few kids. Anyone who contacted us saying they had childcare problems, we just told them to bring them. I think it just ended up being 1 couple bringing a baby and 1 cousin bringing a couple of kids (but they got a babysitter through the hotel to come in the evening).

The OP just needs to politely decline or attend solo. Yes the cousin was rude but it’s their choice to be so inflexible. When they have kids themselves, they will probably realise they should have chilled out. @FurAndFeathers reply was good, just change the babe in arms part.

skyeisthelimit · 03/05/2023 09:19

I had a child free wedding due to cost, but we did have 2 babies there, aged 2 months and 6 months because their mums couldn't leave them, and they were both family.

It is a shame that he has lied.

I would reply and say, oh what a shame the venue has changed their policy as they used to cater for children. We sadly will not be able to attend now due to a lack of childcare.

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 09:23

GingerKombucha · 03/05/2023 08:48

Usually venues don't charge for a babe in arms but they are counted as a person for fire safety regulations and legal caps in numbers. They might not have realised at first and are right up to the numbers.

Totally agree 👍
I can't understand why people don't know that babies are still people and count towards numbers even if they don't require a high chair.
Very easy for a venue to count too, we set the room for x many people, and every seat is full and their are x many babies on knees.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 03/05/2023 09:24

Is baby 16 month old?
At 16 month old I was back to work doing 13 hour shifts.
Could she not take breast milk from a cup? At 1 milk isn't the main source of nutrition (obviously breast milk is very beneficial).
I would go with my family and my husband would stay at home with baby.
16 month is definitely not a babe in arms. My daughter went to 2 weddings by the time she was 10 weeks old. (SILs wedding and my aunties) she was no bother. 16 months she would have wanted to toddle around and it would have been a long boring day for her

SunnySaturdayMorning · 03/05/2023 09:24

They shouldn’t have changed their minds after they invited you all. But you’re not being excluded for having a child. You’re very welcome - your kid just isn’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 09:26

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:00

Personally I'd act like I hadn't received the message and just go anyway. Different if your child was of an age to be running about, need a seat and a meal but you will have baby in your arms. I'm a stubborn pita though.

He probably thinks baby will take the attention away from his bride.

Why would to take your child somewhere they aren't welcome?

What if you are pushing them over the venue capacity and the venue cancel?

Don't be so selfish.

Yes it's wrong of the B&G to cancel children so late esp after issuing invites but something must have caused the change of mind

Lizzt2007 · 03/05/2023 09:28

TrueScrumptious · 03/05/2023 07:28

I don’t see that he lied necessarily. Children under five may be welcome at the venue but surely they still count towards capacity. Perhaps the cousin didn’t realise this and now they realise that the number of guests, including small children, puts them over capacity.

I agree. The fact that they had invited baby originally would suggest that there's been a change, not just that they didn't want baby.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 03/05/2023 09:29

When I had breastfed babies they came with me to weddings or I didn’t go. Can you simply explain that you can’t leave baby behind? Let him choose once he understands?

I had that thing where expressed milk was undrinkable for a baby, it’s not an option for everyone.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 03/05/2023 09:29

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

Well I’m off to a family funeral next week - I imagine that will be a little bit more fucking miserable.

Seriously, why do people say such stupid things? What are you supposed to do if you don’t have any children in the family? The OP says she’s the only person her cousin knows with a young child - if he’d got married before she was pregnant instead, would the wedding have intrinsically been a shit and depressing event where everyone sat around staring at the floor saying “Without children, what’s the point? Children bring the joy…”?

LavenderOlive21 · 03/05/2023 09:29

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

This reply is perfect

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 09:30

@hippygirllucky
You had your kids quite young and have a baby.
How many kids do you have in total?

Could that be part of the issue they want to bump your older kids to squeeze in other people.

Smallyellowbird · 03/05/2023 09:30

Why not go and leave your child with her dad? You can express if necessary, and can go home after the meal if you like.

Tracker1234 · 03/05/2023 09:31

Having been to many weddings where the children actually shouted/cried out during speeches/vows or parents insisted their precious kids sat at the front to see the colours or to be the centre of attention I think child free weddings are fab. I know YOU think you will take them out but people just don’t or they have messed up the vows by then.

And - yes I do have children but grown up now.

I have my tin hat on btw…

JudgeRudy · 03/05/2023 09:32

Whilst I understand your surprise and disappointment, your emotional response does seem a bit OTT. You say you would never leave your child with a babysitter and have put plans in place (trip to the zoo) to cushion the blow and distract.
In the nicest possible way you need to accept that going forward others might not be so invested in your child as you had hoped. This will include things like 1st Birthday parties.
However that doesn't distract from the fact that your baby is a welcome addition and loved very much. Enjoy your day at the zoo.

Newnamenewname109870 · 03/05/2023 09:32

DucksNewburyport · 03/05/2023 04:37

I agree with pp - can't you go alone and leave the baby with DH? You could leave expressed milk or maybe you could pop out to feed her if DH is close by?

I was bridesmaid at a wedding when DD was 3 months old and EBF and not invited. My parents very kindly looked after DD and I met them a couple of times during the wedding to feed. My friend has since apologised for not inviting DD!

I wouldn’t have been able to leave my three month old who wouldn’t take a bottle.

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