Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

I didn't go to a cousin's wedding a few years back due to childcare issues. It was unfortunate but that's how it is sometimes when you can't get childcare cover if the rest of your family is also at the wedding too.

Haha. Yeah sure he said that.

He did 🤷‍♀️ she’s an absolute diva and still is
but your option means naff all to me 😅

@ImAvingOops
If the couple have indicating that they are having a child free wedding, good manners would indicate that you don't ask them to make an exception for you. Nor is it the end of the world when a mom or dad has to stay at home with the baby because they cannot find or choose not to pay for a sitter.

The couple is not going to particularly miss anyone' s plus on their special day, and that is the way that it should be on their wedding day.

So what? Did you not follow the thread?

God forbid its all about the couple enjoying themselves 🤣

JandalsAlways · 03/05/2023 05:09
Keep it simple. "Sorry we are unable to attend as we don't have childcare. Hope you have a wonderful day." No need to make a big deal about it.”

I’d be honest: “even if we could access childcare, we’re not ready to leave her yet. Hope you have a wonderful day”

Yes that's actually probably more accurate. I think initially it was about a babysitter, but you're right it's probably not. Which is totally understandable for OP if that's how she feels.

@Solonge

lol most people are already a couple before they get married. A big driver for me and my wedding was to have a big party with all our friends and family and yes to be able to wear a beautiful dress! That stuff was important to me. Why not prioritise fun and frivolity sometimes?! Life is too short!

@MenoRageisReal

they don’t want the baby there. End of. Be passive aggressive all you like it ain’t gonna change anything.

Yes, avidly.

Sure she said that. She probably said something much worse, ie screaming child and he was being nice 🤣 (and I don't blame her either, after thousands of £ and months and months of planning, why wouldn't you want everything to be perfect, afterall it's only meant to happen once. No one wants a screaming baby or toddler running around to ruin your special day!)
So much judgement on this thread! A couple should be able to have the wedding that they want, very selfish for people to think otherwise

@LuckySantangelo35 I cant even remember what I posted on this thread as mild passing entertainment a few days ago.

But I see it's you again. Over investor who posts and posts and posts the same points over and over again. I don't notice many posters names at all but boy you do go ON a bit.

@MenoRageisReal

ok, calm down! 🤣

Absolutely hilarious how some of you think you know someone better … even though you don’t know who they are or anything about them 😅
very small group of friends, ours was the first baby of the group and most definitely real the limelight when we all met up.
but hey ho - crack on - it was a long time ago and we don’t see them any more so no big deal for us any more

So why did you respond "So?" to my post?

Either you didn't follow or something confused you?

@Mari9999 if the couple want a child free wedding snd say do from the outset, that of course is totally fine. What's not okay is to rescind invitations once people have committed to attending/spent money to attend.

I wouldn’t go and wouldn’t be disappointed. He doesn’t care that you want/need to be with your baby so really not your problem. In that respect I wouldn’t care about his wedding either.

If you are cross (as well as hurt) I would copy and paste the hotel's policy to him just so he realises what a food he has been. If you are determined to ket him get away with this then what about writing that you understand about the actual ceremony but will just be coming to the reception to see them off, if that's OK with him?

Don't do this unless you are a total psycho, this level of drama and pettiness will make you look ridiculous and rightly so

He didnt say that the hotel wouldnt accommodate children, he said 'for capacity reasons'.Every functopn room has a maximum number it can accommodate for fire safety.The venue are not allowed to go above this number and babes in arms count towards this number.Maybe he hadn't realised that previously?

Absolutely! It’s fine to be disappointed, but for the OP to force some big confrontation and make someone else’s wedding all about her would be unhinged.

What I would find annoying about this is the blame shifting to the venue (capacity issues?) when the venue clearly states that under 5s are welcome. Everyone has the right to have the kind of wedding that they want but at least own your views if you don’t want children present. I would just say you can’t make it and leave at that.

Venues that accept under fives still have a maximum capacity!

I’d decline the invitation, no drama, no confrontation. If my child isn’t invited then I wouldn’t attend.
The only way I’d consider attending would be if it was made clear from the outset that children aren’t invited. But this isn’t the case so it’s no from me.