Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

I would avoid being passive aggressive. They are organising a wedding, which is very nerve wracking. They don't need the added worry of falling out with family and friends. The initial response suggestion is perfect.

Did you hear back from your cousin @hippygirllucky ? Hope all is OK - like you plan of doing something else that day instead

Babies cry….fact. I certainly wouldn’t want a baby crying in the middle of my vows. It’s their special day not yours, their choice

It may shock you but people get married and don't have any children!

There are many things more miserable than a child free wedding. Such as weddings full of other peoples horrible children.

Absolutely agree. Years ago weddings were more relaxed and about a couple making a commitment for life in front of family and friends. We had 5 babies at our wedding and a 3 year old ring bearer. The point of weddings is to become a couple and probably go on to have kids. Now it seems to be all about the bride and the dress.

"years ago" there were childfree weddings too. They have always existed.

Although your baby won’t need a seat etc , a small baby can be very demanding and distracting at a wedding . However saying that they should have told you in the invite that no children rather than a month before. I’d just say unfortunately due to having no childcare options we will sadly be unable to attend and wish you a lovely day

Things always go wrong on your wedding day as they do in all other huge events no matter how much you pay for them and stress over them. Funerals are another one and emotions are even more heightened.

In my case the printers made a spelling mistake on the otherwise beautiful invitations; the florist didn't send enough buttonholes and the tailor fucked up my husband-to-be's suit but luckily he had another one in the wardrobe that looked nice. Oh, and my mum made the wedding cake and only one of the three tiers was cooked. I don't know how that happened. She was normally an excellent baker. But she was an excellent icer so at least it looked good.

That's not unusual. We've all heard of horror stories where dressmakers go bust and your bridal gown is seized by the receivers; cars don't turn up and the guests get food poisoning.

We got our money back from the people who had failed to deliver after our honeymoon (BA lost our luggage for three days). We let my mum and her raw wedding cake off.

A baby didn't cry during our vows and a toddler didn't dance in the isle (sic) but looking back if they did, that would have been small beer.

Invite anyone you like to your party, insist on a refund from anyone (except your mum) who has underdelivered, but remember you cannot control everything even on what you think is the most special day of your entire life.

PS my dad's funeral was crap. Co-Op. I don't blame my mum. She had a lot on her mind.

When it was her turn she planned it with military precision. It could have gone wrong but it was perfect. There was a walker with a top hat and cane before the hearse from her house to the church. We felt like royalty which was my mum's due.

I recommend Cribbs, traditional planters to the people of East London and Essex for over 100 years if you are in the area https://www.tcribb.co.uk/?infinity=ict2~net~gaw~cmp~16979222044~ag~144304361908~ar~593949338060~kw~cribbs%20funerals~mt~p~acr~1466189101&gclid=Cj0KCQjwr82iBhCuARIsAO0EAZwFdF_tyCq6VLQ6rpVlYXva3qmlUrMW0Shoq374aMkC3iaiKH2EnxcaAi5DEALw_wcB

This

really? I have been to about 50 weddings here in Ireland. we both have big families aswell as involved heavily in gaa (irish sports to UK people) so invited to a lot of weddings. I can count on one hand how many had children at. and even at that they were shipped off to their rooms i think as soon as dinner was over. my sister refuses point blank to bring her kids to weddings even if they are invited(just babysat them last weekend as they had a weding). they are normal weddings. heading to one myslef next weekend (bloody black tie but that's another story ) there is certainly no children invited to it.

Child free weddings are totally a thing in Ireland. Have been for a very long time.

@Mooshamoo and @SparkyBlue me too..been to many a child free wedding. weddings that have had up to 400 people (there was no children at that one) very few had children at them. yoi gotta love an Irish wedding it's right crack and no place for children I feel

We had a similar issue once when DH was going to be best man. B and G both knew when I was invited that we would would have a very young baby at the time of the wedding, but not long beforehand the bride's mother, of all people, phoned and made a massive fuss about it. It wasn't a child-free wedding, but for some reason she seemed to be in a panic about a baby being there. We had planned that I would sit at the back of the church so I could go out if the baby started crying, and we would take a room in the hotel where the reception was so that again we wouldn't be needing somewhere to change him and there would be somewhere for me and the baby to escape to if necessary. Nothing would reassure her and the bride went along with it, though we never did discover whether that was just to keep the peace or whether she agreed with her mother. Groom was totally embarrassed about it.

Ultimately DH told his friend that unfortunately if the invitation to me was withdrawn then he didn't see how he could stay as best man, and groom said he was gutted about it but he could see we had been put in an impossible position. The friendship was damaged by it and never really recovered.

It seems to me that you are in a similar situation, in that your invitation has effectively been withdrawn. It may be that your cousin just doesn't understand that it really isn't easy to leave a breastfed child with babysitters, though she should be aware that the most obvious candidates have all been invited so won't be available anyway. The suggested response from @FurAndFeathers sounds about right.

So?

This happened to me. I went to the wedding alone. I stayed until after the meal and speeches then left. (7.30pm) I expressed and hubby fed little one whilst I was gone ( 6hours) it wasn’t ideal, as my baby wasn’t used to bottle. But, he managed and was soon back in my arms. My cousin didn’t mention the absence of my hubby, and still hasn’t 4.5yrs later. 🍀

I imagine you've had better nights out

@CabernetSauvignon that's such a shame about your dh and his friend's wedding - as much as I agree that child free weddings are the choice of the b&g and should be respected, it's mad that people would rather have a 'perfect' day on paper even if it means being without their best friends and damaging relationships forever.

People go batshit over weddings, especially when the b&g parents get involved and start alienating the other sides family and long standing friends!

Yes😬But seemed like only solution. My cousin and his wife now have their own little ones. Hopefully it happens to them. 🤣

If it’s not that far I would see if my baby would take expressed milk if you really want to attend if not say I can’t attend as I’m bf so we won’t attend.

@broadbeanquiche has a really valid point ….

It’s tricky and I see both sides. We went to a wedding that was no children so arranged for my 6 month old to stay with my mum for the weekend and I did find it quite hard. Found it even harder when someone else at the wedding brought their same age child. Apparently they were allowed as they travelled further. I was so cross though. We had still travelled 3 hours.

For my wedding we decided the day time bit was child free except my only nephew who was 2 and a Paige boy. I had one friend with a young child and spoke to them and they were more than happy not to bring their daughter as it was a nice break for them. But the other reason was that one of the family at the time had quite a lot of foster children who would increase the numbers and cost for the meal, and we didn’t know the children and if they’d manage with the wedding etc. they also couldn’t guarantee in advance how many children they would have with them. They were also fine about it. We made the evening do so that those local could have their children brought for the evening when the extra guests arrived. It worked out well. A few of DH’s cousins were also children at the time and his aunts and uncles enjoyed not having them at the wedding for the full day but bringing them for the evening. But our wedding was local to his family. And non of mine had kids. Some of the kids did come to see my at the ceremony as it was in a public building. They kind of lurked outside for when I arrived and when I came back out at the end for photos. One of the families at the school I teach also turned up in school uniform to see me and throw confetti and have a quick photo!! I didn’t mind.

It does sound like a cop-out - but there is a difference between being over capacity, and rules about children. Most places have a capacity limit - but that wouldn't specify the age of the guests!

I should say "sorry we won't be able to attend without Flossie, but if anyone cancels and the numbers allow then please let us know. XXXX" Call his bluff!

Child-free weddings usually still allow tiny babies. He's a bit mean and a bad liar. Make him feel bad about it.

I hope you get to go.

We had a child free wedding and it was far from miserable!! You’re entitled to your opinion but please don’t generalise.

OP, sorry you’re in this position, and your cousin should have been honest with everyone. We were; in our invitations we explained why we weren’t inviting children (all our friends seemed to have two or more children each and this bumped up numbers to a point we couldn’t afford; it seemed unfair to invite some with children and not others so we had a “no kids” across the board). Everyone except one couple were fine with this and we explained that even family members with children were not bringing their children so this friend came alone and their DP did not.

I hope you can work out a way to make this work for you.

We had something similar happen with my husbands best friends wedding - all fine until a month before and we were told our then 1 year old couldn’t come as the venue didn’t cater for her. We were the only invitees with a little one and the groom was her godfather.
My husband did query why the change and his best friend was very honest - the bride didn’t want our daughter taking the attention away from her :( my husband attended without me in the end

Does no one actually tell their soon to be spouse that they aren't willing to un invite their best friends wife/husband and baby ( because the reality of no baby usually means one of the parents can't go either), that it's incredibly rude to withdraw an invitation. Or say that they would rather have their loved ones present, than a 'perfect' day?

I would take it as a huge sign my soon to be husband was an arse, if he was putting himself in competition with a baby and didn't want one there because other guests might enjoy seeing it instead of just gazing in wonder at the b&g!

If you want a child free wedding, don't say it's okay to bring a baby and then change your mind at the last moment, when people have committed to being part of it!