Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

@Strawberrydelight78 why is it hypocritical to say no children other than the bridal party or nieces / nephews?

People need to draw the line somewhere.

How do you know they can or want to? Not everybody’s focus is on having children 🙄

Given that the original invitation included the baby and he has now contacted them to change that, I don't think he actually needs a reply.
Send them a card beforehand wishing them a lovely day. Go to the zoo. Don't send a present.

I wouldn't be wishing them a wonderful day if they'd just uninvited me a month before the wedding.
Just reply 'Oh that is disappointing. As dd is so young I won't be able to attend without her.'

@FurAndFeathers nailed it with the first reply.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

Just seen your reply that you are going to go to the zoo which is a lovely idea. Do that and enjoy the day, and don't let this ruin your relationship with your cousin. I ebf my son and couldn't have just expressed and left him with anyone not even close family so I completely understand. Don't have to make a big thing about it, just politely decline as pp have said you can't go.
Their wedding their choice (I personally love children and babies at weddings but each to their own!)
Could have been pressure from a funding parent or anything to not have kids there.

I don't but some people have said it is and catastrophised about screaming babies drowning out the solemn vows, mothers refusing to go outside and toddlers dancing in the isles (sic).

I don't know about that. It didn't happen at my wedding and if it did at other weddings I've attended I didn't notice. I don't have children so have never taken one to a wedding. I have chatted to other people's though and my husband has done that cute thing where someone lets one of the smaller bridesmaids stand on his feet while they dance. If anyone took pictures of that I am sure the bride wasn't crackers enough to think it was stealing her thunder.

Everyone is constrained by numbers cost. Even Prince Charles isn't inviting as many people to his coronation as his mum did though I don't think it's a cost issue.

Five of the adult guests at our wedding had children, which made two couples, one single mum and six children aged three to nine between them. We invited them all and decided not to invite other people.

It wasn't because we didn't like the other people, it was because it was our wedding and our decision to invite parents and their children. Other people make different decisions and that is okay too.

I could also ask why people on Mumsnet always assume who you invite or not to your wedding is all about noisy, crying babies. It's not, is it?

I don't but some people have said it is and catastrophised about screaming babies drowning out the solemn vows, mothers refusing to go outside and toddlers dancing in the isles (sic).
To be fair I think I first mentioned a toddler dancing in the aisle (the isle error was not mine) as that happened at my wedding but I mentioned it as a positive. It was a lovely moment and made a lovely photo too. But it was taken on the but screaming baby catastrophisers as another facet of the Awfulness of Babies at Weddings

When we got married in a smallish register office we were supposed to count babies in arms in the numbers for fire regulation purposes. Fortunately a blind eye was turned.

Yes that's what I would have done but kinda hard when I was a bridesmaid. After a feed before arriving at church she slept through the ceremony. But if she had cried her dad would have taken her out into the foyer if he couldn't settle her.

What is it with some people that cannot accept that some couples don't want kids at their weddings?

Some people DO NOT LIKE CHILDREN. It's not a crime.

Some people do like children but don't want them at their weddings.

And some people cannot have children or have lost them and by that point they just want their day to not remind them of their childlessness for even one minute.

Weddings are not enhanced by children, weddings are not 'for the whole family young and old', they are for the couple getting married and their preferences.

I had a Christmas wedding and only invited our niece and nephew. We had Father Christmas attend the reception just after the meal and gave thank you gifts to ushers and bridesmaids as well as niece and nephew. Except one couple brought their two young children, who were not invited, their parents 'just assumed'. We had to quickly arrange for 2 childrens meals and stick them on the end of the table, then they spent an hour screaming because Father Christmas didn't bring anything for them. BECAUSE THEY WERNT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

@limitedperiodonly 5 adult guests having kids is easy and a manageable number. And I'd have invited them too.

I knew I wanted my neices at my wedding and invited my cousins kids for company for my neices, along with one other baby.

It would have been nice to invite all our friends kids but 36 kids was a bit much. How do you invite one 17 yo and miss out their 19 yo sibling. Can you invite one friends kids, and skip another friends young adult step kids ?
It just got so messy no friends kids was easier.

Another fond memory of a kid at my wedding. My four-year-old nephew was shaking with excitement and unbeknownst to me and my husband as we exchanged our vows at the front, my sister-in-law took him outside.

She was not his mum, her daughter was a teenager and could be trusted not to scream or dance in the isle (sic) while my brother, her dad, stood by me as a witness. But she could see my sister and her husband had their hands full with their other son (six) who was also perfectly well-behaved but getting a bit bored as small children do.

As we walked down the steps of the register office in a cloud of confetti, a small missile hit me hard in the face. It was the biodegradable rice paper confetti my nephew had been holding in his hot little hand and my sister-in-law promised him if he was a good boy he could throw when we came out.

Though it was a bit of a shock my day was not ruined. If it had been paper it probably wouldn't have clumped like that but my sister-in-law was always ahead of the game whether it was saving the planet or wrangling small children.

Another fond memory of a kid at my wedding.

and for every one of those there are many fond memories of child free weddings and less than fond memories of children at weddings. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good for you.

Not everyone likes them!

I see. I am very sorry for misunderstanding you and being a clever dick over spelling. I knew I shouldn't have done it. Sorry again.

Like you, I would have found a small child dancing behind me as I processed to and from the altar at the Wedding March or the Arrival of the Queen of Sheba funny and would expect his mum to grab him and sit there mortified while everyone else laughed. Just like I laughed when my nephew threw a solid lump of sweaty confetti at me and hit me in the face at the end.

Another inch though and I'd have lost an eye and it would all have been so different. But it didn't happen so no harm done.

I loved my nephews then and now they are grown men.

But other memories are available. I am sharing mine. Feel free to share yours but unless they are more detailed anecdotes than generic ones like babies that screamed the place down so the priest couldn't hear the vows and selfish mums who wanted to ruin the wedding, I reserve the right to take them with a pinch of salt.

I have some bad ones (good ones actually, in that it wasn't my wedding so I could enjoy the appalling behaviour) but they all involve adults. I don't want to be specific because other people might be reading and recognise it.

In my experience of weddings it's never been the children who've been anywhere near close to ruining it unless their parents were also arseholes. But why would I invite arseholes round my house let alone to my wedding?

I'd send the first message - it hits the right note of disappointment but still wishing them well. There might have been a good reason for withdrawal of baby's invitation and for a cousin I'm close to, I'd give benefit of the doubt. I suspect they cocked up on numbers and the venue counts children in their total and they didn't realise.

But, I would take no shit about coming anyway and leaving baby with dad/someone else. They can have the wedding they choose and equally you can choose to stay with your baby. I love a child free wedding but if a b&g want one, they cannot carp at people who decline to attend because they don't want to leave their kids.

Ooh I like it!!!! Maybe with a "they should update their website cheery grin" added to the end.
Silly fucker cousin who didn't think you'd know!

It was wrong to say that the venue doesn’t allow babies. However, it is perfectly possible that they count towards capacity and the cousin didn’t calculate for this initially. The same was true in the Olympics when babies not conceived at the time of the ticket sales couldn’t enter without a ticket.

@SheilaFentiman In the 11 years since the London Olympics do you think that was a reasonable standpoint? I got really lucky in the lottery and got tickets for loads of events. Of course, I paid for them all but if someone had a baby on her lap during the dressage it wouldn't have bothered me.

In any case the logistics of a major international event is not the same as a family wedding, is it?

The issue for me here is the last minute change. People absolutely are allowed a child free wedding if they want. If OPs child is 18 months I wouldn't consider that a baby, its a toddler, and I would see it reasonable that in a child free setting they wouldn't want the child there.

However uninviting someone, toddler or adult, is just plain rude! OP said the toddler was listed on the invitation to begin with and has now uninvited them (and the explanation appears to be bullshit).

Had they said from beginning no toddler this would be fine. If someone invited me and DH to a wedding then shortly before said 'actually we don't want DH there' I'd not go and consider it rude. Same is true here, they're uninviting someone. Fact its a toddler is beside the point.

Hi @limitedperiodonly - no, not the same, but if the hotel said “100 people is the room limit” and the cousin invited 100 people plus a few babies, and only then clarified that the capacity included ALL humans, even those not needing seats, it might cause an issue. I only thought of it cos the OP specifically mentioned capacity.

As for the olympics, it was a bonkers rule but I assume driven by exactly that - capacity meant all humans!

What children? Why would anyone not like children? I'm not talking about specific things done by specific children on specific occasions but not liking children in general.

It's an odd thing to say on a parenting site and i don't even have children.

@limitedperiodonly

i wouldn’t have liked that. It could have smudged my makeup