Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

An 16 month old will, they’ll take up space at the table and need feeding. And even if the baby is younger, if the venue has a maximum capacity of people allowed in the room then it will include babies.

Of course I do. As someone who doesn't have children I defend my right to belong to Mumsnet especially whenever anyone asks why people who don't have children use the site.

That's just silly; especially on wedding-related threads when lots of people won't have children and can do with my wisdom of 30 years.

Mumsnet is not only about motherhood and even though I am not a mother, I have valuable things to contribute to other women or men. I just stay out of the exclusively parenting things.

But I couldn't be on Mumsnet and say I didn't like children.

That would be fundamentally wrong

No. You have to put up with it and reflect upon your poor choices. And take pictures.

I used to go on Telly Addicts all the time but never felt the need to tell people I didn't like children.

Why would anyone do that?

I don't have children but don't mind them

@CraftyIrishMamma lots of child free weddings in my neck of the woods. I've two this year and it wouldn't enter my head that my DC would be going. I was never brought to any of my mums siblings weddings as a child.

It was a miscommunication - the kind that happens when you send and email invite only to the husband and he assumes... There was some conversation we had that morning about the venue as I wasn't clear on all the details and saw on his phone the invite only had our names on it. He didn't realise that it meant only we were invited and some people have child free weddings. He ended up calling the groom on the morning of his wedding to check, which must have made the poor man feel very awkward. So I was raging with him more than anyone else that day.

Although it's not exactly the same situation at OP, I relate to the feeling of suddenly being excluded because you have a baby, and the frustration and FOMO you feel in a situation like this.

Are you in Ireland @SparkyBlue

@Mooshamoo I am

@SparkyBlue me too. I was at two child free weddings in Ireland last year

So @CraftyIrishMamma there definitely are child free weddings in Ireland

So well said. We are all different, some people might find it cute and some don't. I don't and that's why I had a childfree wedding. I now have a child, and I still prefer childfree weddings. They're both very different atmospheres, both are nice but they are very, very different.

Cancer, dementia, world hunger, walking with a stone in your shoe. Off the top of my head. Children not at a wedding ranks quite lowly.

You already replied to me at 18:40, why did you reply to me again about the same post at 19:22 ? Are you just trying to goad me for attention?

I don’t mind child free weddings but it does mean we can’t attend. No family support, children are too young for a teenage babysitter. I have asked at our nursery if anyone does adhoc babysitting but no luck so far.

Yes having children was my choice but having a child free wedding just highlights who has support and who doesn’t. Who can afford extra childcare and who can’t (in some cases - it would be 100-200 for a day and evening).

No

@YWP

Why should someone else's wedding be constructed as making any statement about your finances or support? Do you think that your support system or financial situation should be taken into consideration when planning someone else's wedding ?

Your support system and finances should govern planning for your wedding but not so much the wedding of others.. People do not attend weddings for all sorts of reasons; the inability to find or to afford a sitter is just one of many reasons why a person might choose not to attend. There are very few people whose absence will have any impact on the wedding.

@YWP

i don’t think most brides and grooms can really take that into account - don’t you think they’ve got enough on with all the other planning?

Weird statement. So you might need to fork out for a babysitter, as might someone who lives further away for travel. I feel some people lose their brain cells and ability to reason when they have children 😑

You do have to have a little thoughtfulness though and realise that the world doesn't revolve around you just because you've decided to get married. Eg for my wedding we invited cousin's children if the children lived a long distance away (or abroad in one case) because it would be ridiculous to accomodate them. We didn't, however, invite more grown up children of cousins nearby because we had to draw the line somewhere and we figured that said cousins weren't interested in going to a distant relative's wedding that they'd barely laid eyes on for years and that they'd be able to more or less look after themselves. Btw 4 out of the last 7 weddings I've been to ended quite quickly in divorce. It's not as special as people think it is. It's definitley not special enough for me to compromise my child's happiness over. Sorry not sorry

The world also doesn't revolve around you just because you have children. Part of having children is realising that there will be events that you can't take children to. That realisation is part of being a mature and responsible adult. The great thing is (although not in the context of the poor OP who was told of the change of plans very late) that wedding notices usually give you months if not a year's notice, so you have plenty of time to organise child care arrangements. There are few other instances in life where as a parent you are given such a long heads up.

The world doesn't revolve around you but your world does revolve around your child. When an adult is responsible for someone who is completely dependent on them then you don't get to dictate what they can and cannot do and what is/isn't easy. You have literally no clue how easy or difficult it is for someone to organise childcare however far in advance it is. If you are requesting that somebody outsources their childcare commitment to someone else then of course you can request this but you can't expect it. You have zero right to be offended if they are unable/unwilling to do this.

While I understand why people want child free weddings I think exceptions should be made for babies under 1. They won’t need a meal, probably won’t need a seat if you bring a high chair, and will likely need breastfeeding. Yes they may cry but won’t be running around! I think you just need to say no.

My DD was walking at 9 months and running confidently at 10 months.

the OP’s baby will be 18 months old by the time of the wedding.

@LuckySantangelo35 I 100% thought about this getting married. Having family members fly in from other countries. It confuses me that people wouldn’t consider the needs of guests? In my opinion that makes a great party, when everyone can have a good time.

@JandalsAlways thanks for the your stupid lack of brain cells jibe? Guess you wouldn’t say that to my face therefore you shouldn’t say it in an internet forum either. It says more about you than you realise.

We don’t live nearby to any friend or family due to relocating for jobs so we double our costs, childcare and travel / hotels.

Of course some people will need to travel and they will factor that into if they attend or not as with the cost of living….surely that’s a given?!

DH & bowed to presure from both sides.

Mine wanted cousins kids for various reasons and it made sense to invite them.

DHs family wanted their friends. We were at Bob's sons wedding we need to invite Bob, Mary and various others - you know these people as well as I do.

Then an Uncle of DH decided to approach my Mum 'I thought it was a child free wedding' I'm still raging he thought it was appropriate to approach her and not take it up with either me or DH.