Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

@limitedperiodonly

Come off it, plenty of people don’t like kids. You must know that

@LuckySantangelo35 there lies the difference between us. I always have a touch up in my handbag.

@LuckySantangelo35 of course I know that. But I don't think it is a positive sign

I always find it interesting that people who advocate for children at adult events go on to say oh but my nephew hit me with this or did that, almost as if they think it's cute and expect us to laugh. When really, we cringe for them. It's very tacky and rather trashy. What they don't realise, is that they are proving our point why children shouldn't be at adult functions. I don't find out of control toddlers dancing in the isle or throwing a missile at the bride funny. In fact, it just proves our point why children shouldn't be at these formal adult events.

Oh chill your tits for fucks sake. You're getting really ridiculous with this vendetta against OP now.

You do know that people change details on posts to be less identifiable? You've AS and found 16 months on another thread - who is to say OP kid is actually 6 months old and she put 16 on that thread to be less easily spotted?

But that's all difference in perspective still.

I didn't view the child dancing in the aisle at my wedding as out of control, or disruptive, or behaving in any way that needed intervention. Just enjoying himself. Sorry you find that tacky or trashy. Just not how everyone would view it though. And doesn't make me agree that weddings should be adult events by default.

OP has posted twice, I think she’s solved her problem and is long gone. To the zoo :-)

General point though: is it now acceptable to uninvite people from weddings?

@limitedperiodonly

so did I! But my makeup artist did my makeup beautifully - I didn’t need to touch it up all day! Had I had a handful of congealed sweaty confetti lobbed at it I might have had to - but I wouldn’t have been happy.

And 15 months on one before it. And another saying how many months post-partum
she is.……

It’s not a vendetta. The OP hasn’t come back to answer any questions and made it sound like her baby is a tiny newborn!

@Neopolitan you seem confused. My four-year-old nephew hitting me in the face with a scrunched confetti missile on my wedding day is what's known in technical terms as an affectionate anecdote and not an awful warning against inviting children to your wedding.

For the avoidance of doubt, he didn't mean it and that kind of scenario is very unlikely to befall any bride who risks inviting children to her wedding.

I laughed, as did everyone else, but if you don't find it funny, your lack of sense of humour and outrage on my behalf on the solemn occasion of my wedding is entirely your prerogative.

If he had taken my eye out I would of course see it differently, through a patch, obviously.

But even if I was one-eyed I wouldn't blame him because he was only four and well below the age of criminal responsibility. I wouldn't even blame my sister or my sister-in-law who was technically in charge of him at the time but now dead so beyond the reach of the law.

@limitedperiodonly

i disagree

some of the best people I know don’t like kids. They don’t hate them. But they have no interest in them and don’t enjoy their company.

Your wedding day sounds wonderful. I did my own hair and make up for mine, but it's how we deal with things life throws at us that matters.

I don’t think they’re trying to say the venue don’t allow children, they’re blaming capacity. I suspect they’ve over invited and need to cut numbers back, and would rather have an adult friend than your baby. It’s undoubtedly really rude of them to revoke an invite. If it was my cousin, I think I’d just say “Oh that’s a shame. Obviously DH and I can’t come without baby, so we will raise a glass to you on the day”. I’d send a card but not a gift.

Exactly it wasn't the small children at a friend of mines wedding that ruined it. It was her teenage step daughter that doesn't usually drink but she sneaked off with a bottle and got drunk. Her new husband spent the rest of the wedding in they're hotel room looking after her.

There was an incident a couple of years back a scrap between the bride and mil. 🤣🤣🤣They weren't local to the area so never found out what went down. They spent the night in police custody.

How odd. How does it come up? I don't have children and can never remember a conversation where they have come up.

Tell a lie. One person announced to me that she didn't like children. I don't have them and I was unsettled. The statement seemed weird seeing as none of us had children. I moved on to another subject.

Someone else told me he didn't like cats. He knew I had a cat. In fact my cat was right in front of him in a space that wasn't his exclusive space. It was the street where humans, cats, dogs pigeons, slugs etc were entitled to be

I didn't take that as a good sign. Would anyone? I quickly picked up my cat and went home.

@limitedperiodonly

lol people are allowed to not like kids or cats you know!

it doesn’t make them bad people!

no need for you to feel “unsettled”

@Neopolitan 1. My four-year-old nephew did not assault me at my wedding; 2: It was you who confused isle with aisle; 3: if you ever meet my sister, good luck with calling her trashy

Of course they are. But why would anyone make a point of saying they didn't like children on a parenting website?

I don't like beetroot but I don't go on the Recipes forum and tell people about it.

@limitedperiodonly

p.s did you think your friend was going to harm your cat or something cos he said he doesn’t like cats? Why did you quickly pick up your cat and go home with it?! 🤣

Telling people you don't like kids is weird - they aren't an homogeneous mass who all behave badly! Like all humans, some will be more/less likeable than others. Imagine saying that about any other group in society and how that would make you sound.

Having a child free wedding isn't a judgement on kids though - they are prone to following their instincts and crying/having a strop at inopportune moments.
My DS got all tearful as a toddler and I ended up carrying him down the aisle at my own wedding, which was classy not ideal. He's mine snd I love him and didn't really mind but if someone else's toddler had been crying through my walk up the aisle, I'd have been less okay with it, so I do think it's okay to try and avoid that. But equally b&g shouldn't get offended if guests can't make it because they are looking after their dc or don't want to leave them.

@limitedperiodonly

because there are loads of other forums and topics on mumsnet that are not about parenting! The holiday section, style and beauty, plenty of the AIBU posts for example

He wasn't my friend. He was someone I'd never seen before who interrupted me while I was chatting to my next door neighbour while we were weeding our front gardens. I picked up my cat and went in when he said: "Cats don't deserve to live."

People say the weirdest things, don't they?

The baby isn't going to take the place of an adult!

Your cousin is either mean or a bit thick op.

Go with the first reply suggested op.

Enjoy the zoo! 🐻‍❄️🐼🐨🐷🐖🐗🐍🐒🐐🐸🦁🐔🦙🐢🦓🐧🦜🦛

@limitedperiodonly

ok.

im still not sure what that has to do with people who don’t like children and/ or who want a child free wedding!?