How does a 3rd baby/child change things?

[Molotov]

It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).

Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:

• How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
• A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
• I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)

We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.

If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?

Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?

I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.

I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.

Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )

Aahhh Molotov, you're still here!

I agonise over whether to have my fourth, but three? Just do it. Seriously. I still drive a normal car, two share a bedroom and one has their own (a boy and two girls), yes it's busy and yes someone always needs something but I love that.

Whenever I've been pregnant after my first child I've always felt guilty, and sometimes annoyed that the new baby will ruin our little family But it has never worked out like that... They've all made our family more fun.

It's not always funy, or easy, of course. Some days I've been knackered or had awful pmt and DP is working away and I could cry because I know I've got three children to wash/brush teeth/cook for/put in bed.

But I love walking around with these three little ducklings close in age; people looking at me like are they all hers?? (I'm only 25).

I hope I've helped...

I can't decide on a fourth because:

I get terrible morning sickness
I like the idea of giving birth but it's painful!
I don't want a 7 seater
Now my dc are a little older (youngest almost 2), I've started going to exercise classes and have rediscovered my social life (which often involves late nights and alcohol) so would I become a recluse again if I had to give this all up?
Could we really fit 4 DC in a three bedroom house? All bedrooms are quite a nice size, and we have a playroom and big garden but don't want to move
Would my body snap back to shape again or will I be pushing my luck?
Sleepless nights again :(
Can we really afford it?
Would my anxiety come back?
DP was only 21 when I was pregnant with our third and he went off the rails a little bit - staying out, drinking too much, arguing with me and getting obsessed with x box. These memories haunt me (even though he's finally grown up and does help with the DC!).

The positives:

Touch wood, my DC are great sleepers
DP is on board - he wants one more than me!
I know personally I could cope
I'm young enough to go for it

To be honest, I'm quite hung up on what others think. I know everyone will be disappointed in us... There probably won't be an congratulations. It's crap because our DC are well loved and well looked after and we don't get that much help.

Anyway, sorry for hijack!

Hey OP, I just thought I'd add the perspective of someone who was obsessed with having 3 for a while but decided to stick with 2.

For the first three years of my second son's life I was quite obsessed with whether to have another baby, my head saying no but heart saying yes. I used to get upset when people announced their 3rd pregnancy, and I too sometimes thought it would be good just to have an accident.

Gradually the feelings faded and now the boys are both at school I am really happy I stuck to two. I can cope well with two children and they really love each other, I am not overstretched at all and am confident I am a good mum to the children I have. Maybe I would have managed with three but I was always very worried that I may just scrape through rather than coping easily (if that makes sense)

So it is possible to stick to two and be very happy, people don't always regret the child they never had (which is a common piece of wisdom you see on these threads! I did read a lot of them when I was in your position )

We had absolutely no reason to have a 3rd on paper. Had twins. 1 boy, 1 girl. Premature delivery, 2 months in SCBU. At 3, they were healthy and happy. Felt unbelievably blessed. Logistically it worked. They were very close. We were just about OK financially and relationship wise (it had been a shock when they arrived!). H had had chemo since their birth, knew conceiving would be difficult. Likelihood of twins again. Prospect of another premature delivery.

BUT I just wanted another. For me I think with hindsight to have a healthy pregnancy, to have that "normal" birth where the baby is passed to you and you lie there knackered by content (I know it rarely happens like that but 1st time around I felt like I'd missed out because they were whisked off immediately into intensive care).

Number 3 (girl) took 18 months to conceive, twins were just 4 when she arrived. It was manic (but in a good way). Twin dynamic was altered a little – she loved, loved, loved DS from the start, face lit up every time he came near, DD1 was slightly pushed out to start with. Twins now 9, DD2 now 5. The girls get on much better and play together although all reasonably close. Love having a big family (most of the time), the fun / chaos that goes with that.

BUT – it is manic. If bickering is bad with 2, you have no idea what its like with 3. OMG, there have been days when I've just pulled over in the car because they're arguing over who has the most room in the back seat!! I have been known to lock myself in the bathroom for a couple of minutes to calm down. I'm a bit more shouty than I used to be. Bed time reading / helping with homework / after school activities / parties at the weekend / just spending time with them is hard. It is full on all the time. DD2 seems to rule the roost. She is much more outgoing (think she had to fit into our lives because our routine etc was pretty much established with 2 x 4 yr olds when she arrived) never stops talking and is exhausting!! Financially its been hard – more maternity leave, nursery, plus after school for the other 2, bigger car, planning an extension. Obviously 3 children are just generally more expensive than 2. Emotionally its quite draining. H and I had a bit of a rough patch because we were just so tired and disorganised but thankfully we're through that now and right on track.

But I wouldn't change it for the world. I look at her and think how much we'd all have missed out without her in our lives.

I posted a few weeks ago, I was pregnant with my 3rd surprise dc and said I would report back.

I now have a 5 yo dd, 2 yo ds and a 3 week old dd! Things are very busy and the washing machine never seems to be off but dd is an absolute joy and both older dc's are mad about her.

Dd was a planned section, my oldest 2 were both emcs. I'm not going to lie, I did not enjoy the section experience at all - I was very nervous and stressed. The after pains were terrible, forgot about those! But I've recovered really well, I was able to have skin to skin once they had stitched me up - my first dd was taken to scbu and I was too ill with ds so never got to experience it before. I spent 3 nights in hospital and was out walking after about 6 days.

Dd has fitted in really well, she is ebf and has been the easiest of the 3. My older dc's never want to leave her alone and are quite lovely with her - I am knackered though! I don't anything prepares you for the newborn exhaustion, I had certainly forgotten how tough it is!

So the point of this rambling post is that it all worked out perfectly! I was worried about the time/money constraints of having number 3 but now that's she's here it doesn't seem to be such an issue. We are definitely now complete!

Can I add to the madness. I have 2nd dcs aged 3 & 6 years old. Dc2 took nearly 18 months to conceive and I went totally mental...

I always wanted three dcs until I had two. But now not sure. Dh and I bicker a lot. Dc1 was born at 34 weeks and with Dc2 I had a low placenta and bleeding. I had two natural births but all the time In hospital and leaving dc1 before and after dc2 was born broke my heart.

So why do I want another when this time next year I will have my life back.

Arghhhhhh.

Nice thread - have you gone for it yet Molotov ??
Just wondering how old people were when they went for their third? I have dcs 4.5 and 18 months and i'm 35(and a half!) ...was hoping to have packed them all off to school by 40 at the latest but i realise i am now cutting this a bit fine Takes us ages to conceive as well .

loopsy, thank-ypu fpr taking the time to update us Massive congratulations on your new baby girl!

Rose, no, haven't gone for it yet ... unless a few goes without a condom when I'm not even ovulating count Which we all know it doesn't!

I'm on CD#5 of the cycle which seems very significant to me: dd2 is now 2.5yo, the same age as dd1 when I conceived her. Also, if by some miracle of the universe I got pg immediately, that means a June baby. A summer baby seems appealing (always has ... my birthday is bleak midwinter. That explains it).

I'd be at least 32 by the time another baby came, so I know time is on my side for a while yet. But I kind of feel like it's now or never. I can't go on with thia indecision, yet simultaneously am not sure if I actually have a third pg/baby in me (I think I could manage a 3rd child - especially if that child was anything like my two dds )

The thoughts are swinging like some frantic pendulum in my head. My dds are really bonding presently, and I have enough of myself in terms of physical and emotional energy to split between them. It is very important to me that they get this from me. I'm trying to figure out how a third child would impact upon this; whether that child would get enough from me.

Then there is the practicality of needing to move house. But I know sonehow these things tend to work out, so although it is an issue, it's a lesser issue, iyswim.

I think 'let's just give it 6m and see what happens'; then I think 'we are fine as we are. Let's just leave it'. And it's a total head spin.

But I have to make my mind up. I also keep imagining a baby boy and am concerned that I have a preference. Then I look at my two girls and a third girl would be very welcome!

I'm rambling now ...

This is all v familiar. I'm sick of worrying about it!! The only way to stop worrying about it though is to go for it!!

Blimey, dd2's Nursery application for September 2015 arrived this morning: I was not expecting that just yet!

Where have the last 2 years gone? I was pg with dd2 when I applied for the same for dd1 ...

It's just another reminder that she is not a baby anymore. Why does my Mum have to be on holiday when I really need to talk to her?!

Aww Molotov!! Don't you just wish there could be a happy accident sometimes?

As you are missing the baby stage, do you think if you had a third, you'd want a fourth once they got a bit older?

As for your other points... I think any month is a nice time to have a baby, apart from September and January (but that's just me!) so don't worry too much about the timings.

Personally I LOVE moving house so that would be a positive for me however as you say, it's not essential for a few years. We had DC2 in a "house" with a patio for a garden, one open plan room downstairs, a tiny bathroom and two small bedrooms. That was it. We managed. Even had to store a double pram in there! We did move, then had DC3, and moved again (out of choice though - like I said, I love moving!).

Age is on your side.

I do have a boy, but he's not DP's; DP and I have two girls. So I'm in a similar situation to you, but I'd be more than happy with another girl, and so would DP.

Sometimes it's hard, but generally it's fine stretching myself between three. Of course when DC3 was first born, it was short of horrendous. When she was 3 days old DP asked if he could go and play a football match as they were a man down and I said ok; I'll be fine. I remember looking at all these children in my living room and thinking "What the FUCK am I supposed to do with them?!"

But then you get used to it. I get time with DC3 when the others are at school and nursery. Time with DC2 when DC3 is having a nap. Time with DC1 when we decide to walk home from school and I ask him about his day and search for conkers - all sounds a bit lame but I know from experience it's these things that children remember and appreciate from their childhood, rather than constant sweets or expensive gadgets iyswim.

Also, Lady has made a v good point up there!!

Know what you mean molotov, i like summer babies! Well ive just had my coil taken out - was really nervous but the doc was great, said he had 3 and loved it! Just what I needed to hear!! So still a bit terrified but guess we're gonna do it- OMG!

Good luck lady! And thank-you for your lovely message, Crazy. Yes, a total accident would be very welcome; for the decision to be taken out of my hands.

The way that you said you split your time between your 3 dcs sounds nice. If I had 3, that ia how I would intend to split my time.

We dtd last night, on my CD#11. Used protection at the last minute, again at my suggestion. I felt weird about it, then about an hour later regretted it and thought 'well, there is always the next few nights ...'

I'm scared of going for it and then having a 3rd dc being very difficult; me being overwhelmed and not being able to cope on my own with my dcs. I'm also worried about pg, birth and post-partum.

Whilst I do adore babies ans young children, we would stop at 3. I just do not envisage a 4th child. I'm not saying that I would never feel broody, but I do feel quite certain that I wouldn't try for a 4th (I dare say I would use more permanent contraception after a 3rd dc as I definitely don't think I would like an accidental 4th!)

Molotov - you WILL cope. You just will. It's not as if you can send them back some days will be hard, of course, but you'll do it. If you like being busy, that is... :)

I agonised for a while but stuck at 2. The thought of doing it all again actually fills me with horror. I volunteer at a baby cafe and that utterly confirms for my decision for me! Love that my 2 girls are such friends. I was one of 3 someone always left out and parents ime.

My friends that have 3 seem manic and it gets worse as they get older with clubs etc. I found one of them (very up together professional) just sobbing in the street as it was all too much.

I think the immediate last two posts demonstrate the conflict in my thinking! The 'It will be FINE!' vs. 'You will spoil what you have and won't cope'.

(Dd2 has had three rage-fuelled, epic tantrums today (one due to me throwing her lunch leftovers away - after I had asked her if she'd finished and she said 'yes'!). I'm sat in the car, btw, having taken dd2 for a ride because I couldn't get her to sleep in the house, and I couldn't listen to any more screaming).

I'm left wondering if I am actually cut out for handling 3 children, especially if all three become difficult.

But then I keep thinking of a third dc and how lovely it would be to be pg and have a baby one last time. Then I think of toddler tantrums and having, say, a 5/6yo and an 8/9yo and balancing their needs.

I'm overthinking, aren't I? Dd2 has spooked me after a couple of months of no tantrums, hasn't she?

The thing is, Molotov, that the more DC you have, the more experienced you'll become.

For me, first child's meltdowns - I was crying too; I got so stressed and didn't know how to fix things. Third child's meltdowns - I think they're funny most of the time and really cute!

I wonder if all the angst and indecision is a reason not to do it. Surely one should actively want another, albeit with some worries/concerns. Maybe something is warning you not to?

I don't mean in a woo way, I just mean your instincts are saying it's a bad idea!

Yeah, I'm wondering that, too, Villy ...

I think our history complicates things: it took almost a year to conceive dd1 (in hindsight, nothing unusual), but 2 long years to conceive dd2. I ached for that little girl; my sadness put us through so much anguish. I wonder if I've somehow switched off to really wanting another baby? I couldn't go through that again. It was one of the lowest, saddest parts of my life.

Also, if we had a third child, we would have to move house. We need to move anyway, but the fact that we are comfortable here, combined with the memory of some financial struggles a few years back makes me nervous. We can afford to move with a little more saving, but it's the pressure of having to move that makes me sweat.

I find the idea of giving birth again scary. I would choose a repeat ELCS, but who gets excited about major abdominal surgery?

So I don't know if I am trying to talk myself into it, or out of it. And the more I think about it, the more an answer evades me.

But I get what you're saying about a gut instinct maybe saying 'no'. An earlier poster mentioned this, too, and it does play on my mind.

You're history def complicates this decision. Surely, and I can only base this theory on how I make decisions... I go with my gut instinct. That's why it comes from your gut, it's usually right. Only after having kids has this been proved right to me, time and time again. With their health, with something niggling at me that something's just not quite right, and I've pushed gp's and teachers etc because of my gut instinct about them, and I've been right every single time.

What does your gut instinct say? It's like that fast game of question and answer where you don't think as it's too fast, so you say yes or no to a third? It's as simple as you want it to be in my mind. Strip it back.

For me (currently pg with number three) it was my gut. There's space in my heart and my dinner table for one more, I knew I would never regret it, but I was so sure I'd regret not doing it.

You must be driving yourself crazy by now, it's been sooooo long! ;) xx

I agonised for a long while about having 3dc! I'm now 24 weeks pg with no 3 lol! Still a bit of a whoops though as hadn't 100% decided. I'll let you know how it goes after xmas!

Some days I think I'll be fine and I'll cope. Then I'm in tears after a bad day with dc and think I'm never going to cope! I'm a worrier and don't think I'll relax until after baby is here and we'll see what happens.

I'm currently working full-time and I can't wait to finish for maternity. I think with 3dc I'll be unable to work full-time as I'll only have 1 in full time school and it'll be too much in childcare! Dd is 6 and ds is 3 and won't start school until sept 2016!

We only have a 3 bed house and although I panic about bedrooms as our bedrooms are quite small I'm sure we'll be fine until dc are older. We have a massive conservatory and playroom downstairs so plenty of room for toys. I'm a bit concerned as I've only got a saloon car and a smallish boot but my husband has got a jeep so when we go out together we'll use his car.

I have soooooooooooo many questions and doubts going round constantly in my head but then I'll feel baby kick or have hiccups and I know no matter what happens we'll be fine and they'll (hopefully!) just fit in! I've probably not helped at all but I had the same concerns with both my children and even more with number 2 but he fitted in ok after awhile! I think no matter what you still questions if its the right decision but it'll work out fine in the end!
:-) xx

Thanks for sharing, dm86.

I'm just stuck in limbo atm, knowing that this is a crossroad. I'm stuck between getting on with life with two growing daughters or take a chance with 3.

My DM hasn't been easy to strike a conversation with about this. I usually don't spill my innermost thoughts (except here). For some reason, I just need her perspective on this. Or her approval. It shouldn't be like that, but ...

I cleared out our garage last week; all baby things, bar a few precious items have gone. We need the space and I can't hang onto it all indefinitely. DH said that it doesn't matter: our pram wouldn't have been good enough to recycle a third time and that he would buy my dream particular pram for our next one (!)

I don't know why but I'm getting a lump in my throat and tears are welling up typing this af is due on Thursday so there's a reason

me too with the stuck feeling.

The boys are getting on nicely together (mostly) now the little one can talk more! Will a 3rd ruin it, or me just be a horrible tired shouty mummy?

My RL closest friends are all "DO IT" if I mention it. still not sure though....

I met my DM and Auntie for lunch today with dd2. Unprovoked, DM said to dd2: "Would dd2 like a little brother?" "Yes!", said dd2 (whose favourite toys are baby dolls/prams, etc). There was a little more to the conversation between them in that dd2 relayed that she would feed and cuddle the baby (my dd2 is a complete cutie pie).

It was sweet and I wanted to directly ask my DM what she thought. It wasn't quite the right time as my Auntie's answer was "Oh, no! Not more babies!"