How does a 3rd baby/child change things?

[Molotov]

It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).

Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:

• How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
• A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
• I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)

We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.

If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?

Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?

I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.

I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.

Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )

Don't feel bad about going over and over this issue! It's a huge deal, it's not like choosing your starter at a restaurant :o

It's difficult if you know it could take a long time to TTC. Do you think you could just casually SWI without it becoming this big issue that grinds you both down?

I guess it's about regretting not trying - but then if you tried and didn't conceive, would it be worse than if you didn't try at all?

But then if it would be worse, maybe that's your answer - that you should try?

Sorry I'm not really helping am I :(

I've been thinking a lot this week that actually maybe we should stick at 2. We've been having so much fun that can only be easily done with older DCs - board games, Geocaching, craft projects, even stuff like uninterrupted homework - and I think how much harder that would be with a crying baby needing boobs attention, or a toddler getting into everything, or a buggy to cart around.

And then I see a squishy beautiful baby or even a name that would be nice, and I'm back to "I NEED DC3!!!"

I think fuzzpig has it spot on.

I, too, was on the desperately anxious merry go round that Molotov battles with until the end of August, when I ran out of pills. I couldn't get an appointment to get more pills for another two weeks, then by the time the appointment came round DP had broken his ankle and could barely move, so I couldn't leave him with three DC.

I thought it didn't matter anyway, seeing as DP wouldn't be up to much! But as time went on, he got better and we started casually having sex again, and I never did get the pills.

It's very relaxed... We've always been keenly "trying" and fallen into all the pitfalls of TTC ie constant testing and stressing about DTD at the right time. But there's been none of that.

Touch wood I seem to have had regular periods after coming off the pill, too. AF has actually arrived today, so I'm obviously not pregnant yet, but that's fine because I'd be happy to stick with 3 too.

Do you generally get anxious and wound up about other things, Molotov? Or is it just this issue?

Crazy, I get anxious and wound up all the time I try not to but inherently I'm quite the worrier; a real natural at that. DH often says I set up obstacles.

I can be decisive but am worrying about this more. It seems that there is a lot at risk, either way.

I think I ovulated earlier than normal this month and we had unprotected sex within a time frame where I was possibly fertile. My boobs are stupidly sore and enlarged - usually a symptom for me that I have ovulated, but also can be a symptom of pregnancy.

I kind of hope an 'accident' has happened, as that would be it: decision made. I think the fact that I feel on my own, in that it is my decision, which makes tjis difficult for me.

Well, if you are, you don't have to stress about this anymore

I had some counselling for the anxiety - it helped. My view is:

If you're not 100%, you probably shouldn't have another child. But if it happens anyway, you will 100% work it out...

Thanks, Crazy

It would be better if I was pg because then I would just have to manage! And all the imagined 'what ifs' would be worked out.

If I'm not (which I'm most likely not - I've only worked this stuff out because my boobs are sore/large much earlier than normal - usually get tender around CD#16: happened this month around CD#12).

It's like I just want an accident so it's out of my control. But an accident won't happen if I insist on contraception due to cold feet at fertile times!!

I keep wondering about an accident too! We've never had an accident in 12 years of condoms though so I'm not expecting it. That said, no matter what I don't actually want to be pregnant just yet (want to wait another year or so)

Yes, Crazy, I suppose that's true. I don't think I will ever be 100% on this as I will always think of contrary reasons. I think I might regret not trying, like fuzz says.

6 months to try (and not try, but not prevent!) from November-April. If it happens, it's obviously meant to be.

Hi Molotov. Feel like I've been reading your threads for a long time, mainly because I was stalking the third child threads too! My DC3 has just turned 1 and is fab. My other DC still have a great relationship with each other, but they both love the baby too and are so proud of every new tooth and word.

To me it sounds like you want a third, but are such a planner feel you need to commit fully before putting yourself through the potential stress of TTC. Think its a good tactic psychologically just to stop trying to prevent it, rather than counting days etc. Good luck. :)

I got a bit hopeful this month because I thought I'd ovulated early ans might have dtd at a time that wasn't 'safe'. I've had massively sore boobs for the last two weeks so I thought there was a chance I could be pg.

Anyway, I'm not as af is showing more obvious signs of coming. But feeling disappointed is a sign, right? I keep daydreaming of having 3 (amongst the panic that I'm not managing all the time with 2!)

So, yeah, feeling disappointed today but optimistic that I might have enough strength of mind to just try.

I finally plucked up the courage to say something to my DM today to canvass her opinion. For context, I had a plethora of things go wrong on Friday and dd1 was poorly to boot. I said:

"Sometimes I really would like to try for just one more. I look at them and they're so perfect: I'm young enough ... they're so much fun. But then I have a day like Friday when my hands are so full and I think 'uh-uh'."

DM said why not wait another year or two? I suppose because if we try now for another, if it did take 6m then there would be a 7y gap between dd1 and a dc3. The longer we leave it, the bigger the gaps will be. And if I leave it until there's an 8/9y gap; 5/6y gap between dd2 and a dc3 ... maybe I won't want to do it then?

I've just found this thread. I can remember feeling like you, for a year I agonised about whether or not to have a third. It was constantly on my mind. Then we decided to go for it and it happened straight away (that had never happened before!).

We now have 3 lovely ds aged 5yrs 8m, 3 and nearly 1 and I can honestly say it's the best decision ever. Yes it's hard work and exhausting, yes it's total chaos, all the things you would expect but it just feels right and my heart bursts with love for them all.

And do you know the best thing? Ive stopped worrying about whether or not to have another. It was driving me crazy and it sounds like it is doing the same to you! I don't think you'll ever stop agonising about it unless you do it!

Molotov I have lurked for a while and feel a bit of an affinity with you as I too am trapped in an endless cycle of obsessing over hypothetical throes baby. I have ds1, 3.10 and ds2 15m. If i were to do it again I do t think I could cope with any smaller than a 3yo gap again. I keep thinking maybe I could get pg to be off the year that ds2 would go to preschool, than we could save a year of nursery fees but then the gap would be quite large.

I have a list of pros and cons on my phone -
Pros
Another person to love
Room in house
Young enough (31)
Gang feeling
Bf again (had to stop suddenly with ds2)
3 adult children

Cons
Cost
Mess/washing
Risks of pg/birth (had placenta praevia and emcs with ds2)
Career impact (I'm not as far along as I would like and another mat leave would set me back further)
Childcare
Bigger gap- harder to manage? I worry about ferrying three kids around to completely separate activities every weekend.

Don't know how I'll ever decide!

I've just seen this thread.

I had no. 3 as a surprise earlier this year. I'd always wanted three but made peace with two, to the extent I was devastated when I realised I was pregnant. I have 5, 3 and 6 months.

I have so say, I'm finding the age gap a total killer and wish at the moment it was a year more or a year less. My day goes:

• school run
• pre-school
• 2.5 hours

-pre-school pick up -lunch -1.5 hours -school run

There is never a decent block of time, never a chance to do anything, can't get the baby to nap anywhere other than conking out on a 'run'.

I'm sure I will reap the benefits later as I'm pleased that there is only 5 years from first to last. But I kind of wish it had been 4 (though I know it would have killed me at the time).

The other negative is that I was just planning to get back to my career, and bang, back to the beginning (I've been a SAHM since DD2 was born). I often feel jealous of my friends who are selling cots, packing away buggies and preparing for their youngest to start school. Not many people in this area have three, so I feel quite isolated being still in baby.

The positive side is obviously that he is squishy and adorable and gorgeous and I love him to bits.

Thought I'd pop in to say I've been lurking for a while and my situation echoes yours molotov.

I have lots (and lots) of reservations mainly that we have to healthy dcs at the moment and what if I had a third and it has additional needs and will that just push me/us over the edge. As well as the usual financial, space, time issues.

However, I have debated this in my head to death and I think we are probably going to start ttc this month (not as 'actively' as with the previous 2 aged 4 and 2). I've never fallen pregnanct quickly before and I'm 37 now so I'm not planning that this is going to be a quick thing (if it ever happens).

So, really here to say hello and let's do this!!

Hullo molotov et al....
So the decisions been made and although 2 months ago we definitely definitely weren't going for another.... It seems no we're dtd every other day to hopefully get upduffed ASAP!
Hope you manage to make a decision soon!

Well dtd last night, and while I was apprehensive that I could get pregnant and #3 could become a reality, I now can't stop wishing and hoping that I am pg.

The chances this month are slim I'd say anyway given we've only done it on cd15 (of a usually 28 day cycle), unfortunately dh has been working away a lot so lack of opportunity.

Good luck to all those ttc#3.

Molotov have you actually made a decision now?

You and I have been on 3rd child threads together for a while, although I keep name changing.

I got unexpectedly pregnant with no3 after agreeing we would stick at 2.

It took a while to get used to then I miscarried at 12 weeks. It was f*cking horrendous. That was about a month ago and I honestly don't think we'll try again. I'm older than you, and am on my second husband - he doesn't have children. It has different dynamics but after I knew I was pregnant I was so so scared about what life would look like.

Weirdly we can afford it, have a big enough house and car; and I work part time. Sounds ideal huh? But the pressure it put on us going though the pregnancy and then subsequent mc made me realise I couldn't cope. Well I would have done, because you do don't you, but unlike you I really struggle with the preschool years.

Today I went for a swim whilst my kids were at school and it was lovely having time to myself. I really enjoy being an adult and having nights off with dh when the kids are with their dad.

I think you sound like a great mum, but are you ok with your adult relationship being put on hold for a while?

Btw I'm one of 3 and it was great

Thanks for the new messages and I am sorry to read about your experience, Screen Good luck to all taking the plunge and ttc.

I'm still undecided (still!); I'm perhaps leaning towards staying as we are for today, but this has come after what has transpired to be a very difficult month, which has led me into doing some 'soul searching' (I hate that term).

In sum, 2014 has been quite horrendous: I had a massive fall-out with my extended family at the beginning of the year (something that I decided to do, but I've had a fair bit of abuse from them over the year) and the true impact of it all has recently hit me. I think I was numb before. I also helped a friend through a particularly difficult bereavement and that, too, had consequences for me and my state of mind.

Then, my dog become seriously ill a couple of weeks ago - needed an operation to fix it and she's had a couple of post-op problems.

It's all just been much too much and I guess it's made me think whether I could easily/happily look after one more person.

My heart says to go for it, that we would manage and that it would give us the incentive to finally move from our house that is honestly too small (I literally can't move in our bedroom now as that's the only spot where we can hide Christmas presents). Plus, my dh comes near me and all I want him to do is get me pg (I appreciate that this is probably monthly hormonal drives). After an incredibly stressful year, the joy that I new baby brings would be welcome and I know it would just be one more.

But then my head kicks in and reminds my silly heart of all those practicalities ...

I suppose it is sensible to hold off until I've got my strength back. I think I would love a relaxing Christmas and to welcome 2015 in with open arms and hope for a more settled year - one that helps me make a definite decision one way or the other.

Sorry to hear about your year. I've got dogs, and I'd be devastated if anything happened to them. One is on long term medication now which is an expense we have to cover. I don't begrudge it at all,but it's one more thing for the budget to stretch to.

I'm not in any fit state to make a definite decision about future #3 at the moment.

Today I was at a friends house and my DD (7) was just lovely with her baby. But her toddler reminded me how difficult they become. He's at that whiney food throwing stage where everything Is wrong. So wearing.

We had to then collect the car from the local garage. Coats on and off we go. I like being in control and not suddenly having a nappy to change, rain cover to find... Blanket and toy... And hope they don't fall asleep in the pushchair or they won't sleep through! I logistically find a family of 4 great. I have spent a long time worrying that DH will regret not having his own but he has categorically assured me that mine are enough (in a Nice way!) and he gets enough pleasure out of being a step parent. He likened it to telling me I could never go quad biking. Ie not something I'd seek out to do, or that matters. On my death bed I wouldn't regret the lack of quad biking opportunities.

Screen, do you mind if I ask what you enjoy/enjoyed so much about being one of 3?

Oh yes, ask away....

I have 2 older brothers. I was an accident . There are 2 years between each of us. My mum REALLY struggled with us - she's admitted this later, but not noticeable at the time. This was 1970s and she was on ADs at some point. She says how keen she was to return to work but obviously it was different back then so she was 'stuck' being a sahm for 10 years.

... Hold on gotta do the school run and I shall return with my experience of being no 3 which is much more positive!

So... As a child I remember a lot of fun, but we were 70s children, so I wore most of the boys clothes as hand me downs. Didn't bother me. I liked being part of a Gang. We didn't really have strutted activities, and only had one car. So mum wasn't caught ferrying us around.

As a teenager we did all fight but closed ranks against the rest of the world. I don't remember really being left out, or feeling there was a lack of 1:1 time. My brothers seem to all feel the same.

Now we're adults we all get on well. Christmases, weddings etc are all great fun. I have lovely nieces and nephews, so it's all good.

Yeah, it's all that future family stuff that appeals to me (as well aa being pg one last time, and holding a tiny newborn again).

My eldest dd (almost 6yo) is quite independent and only wants cuddles when she wants them; dd2 (2.8yo) is extremely affectionate and can irritate dd1 with her demonstrative tendencies.

I found myself looking at them yesterday and dd1 looked pained to remove her little sister from about her person and I thought 'maybe if there was someone else here to divert that attention ... maybe dd2 could play with them abd give dd1 space ... ?'

Maybe I'm making reasons to ttc? Like, it's not for me, it's for them?

(I'm due to ovulate again around Christmas Eve so fingers crossed I have too much alcohol and my inner voice will just fucking SHUT UP for once in my adult life).

I'm trying to swear less, btw! Pardon my effing just then!

Oh, and last week, I had horrendous coccyx pain: I think I sat square on my butt whilst eating a meal and I literally could feel it with every step afterward for the rest of the day. It was so painful.

The salient point is that I am resigned to the fact that any more babies will be born by ELCS. There is just no other way. I think that will help me make a decision; I don't think I will doubt myself over that again, after last week's painful reminder of the consequences of VB for me.