Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Hey Bigger. They said only 2 were
ok for icsi but we've gone ahead with it anyway.

I'm not sure about banking embryos; if this cycle doesn't work we'll be taking a break for a while and will perhaps look to go abroad for another cycle. I don't want to do another round with our clinic, they've not been great (and this stim cycle has been so unpleasant I don't think I can do another on for a while).

Hi Angelica, thinking about you during this horrid time. I have no experience of PGS but you are definitely not alone here.

I heard that Billie Piper won an Olivier award for her depiction of a women experiencing infertility on Stage. Literally could not think of anything I would rather go and see less! (Even if she is good in it).
I agree about sex and the city. I watched it all too during my last round but the infertility story is fairly rubbish.

I am really struggling today. I had my AMH today, and the nurse said to me, "are you getting this to help you decide if you are going to have any more treatment?"
NO I was asked to attend (when I specifically requested not to have it done as it is just so god damn depressing) when I booked this private treatment cycle.

I know it is such a minor point, but it is like she had read my notes and thought "this is a no hoper". Why can't everybody just shut up!
Sorry rant over.

Hello to all, thinking of you

Angelica especially as I know PGS waiting is a special kind of hell. I hope the results get turned around quickly - we were told 2 weeks, but it ended up being 5 days (with Genesis Genetics via CARE London). Everything crossed

Well it's been swings and roundabouts here.

The good news. After the letter got lost in the post and we've been shitting ourselves for weeks unnecessarily, it turns out, I've been discharged from the cancer clinic with no further action required. PHEW.

The bad news. My first scan on Monday for my mock cycle was pretty disastrous, and I'm feeling utterly destroyed - and so foolish for allowing myself to feel hopeful that we had actually made some progress over the last 5 months slog of working on my lining. Well what an idiot am I to allow myself to feel hopeful that maybe things were pointing in a more positive direction.

One step forward and two steps back. Even making it to transfer at all seems so unlikely, let alone a cycle actually working

I've been watching from the sidelines as I've been on contraception, following everyone's journeys forwards - waiting for me to be able to join back in. But I'm going backwards, not forwards. After several months of fabulous lining with the IUD, now we're finally doing a mock cycle, and my lining has gone to total shit.

Dr took two endometrial biopsies for histology (ouch) - and to top things off I couldn't even go and bleed and cry in peace in the loos at work afterwards, because the toilets on my floor were out of order!

Why do I even fucking bother?!

I'm sorry to hear about your mock cycle banana. It's too cruel after all your hard work. I have been following your story for a while and have been awed by your tenacity. Hugs to you and, of course, brilliant news that your cancer worries are over.

Hugs for you too sanfran. That nurse needs to fuck off and shut up. Either order will do.

I have started stimms for my latest 'oh well, may as well' cycle. Seems to have coincided with a madly busy period at work. At a work event last night had to stab in a loo with some sort of dimly lit mood lighting. Needed a fucking torch!

Hope you're doing ok, angelica (and everyone else).

Hi,

Hope I can join, I seem to meet the criteria. Firstly thank you for creating a place where ladies like us can chat. The strength of Bananafish and Sanfran to be dealing with this has me in awe.

I want to share my story. I only started ttc a year ago at the grand ole age of 39. I conceived quickly within 3 months but had a mmc at 12 weeks. I'll get myself checked out I thought, just in case.

A month ago I booked myself for tests. Last week I saw the consultant. My FSH is 23 my AMH so low its undetectable!!

A sombre looking consultant told me that at my age and levels, IVF would probably not work and he doesn't want me to needlessly waste money. "But I got pregnant" I asked, he stated it wasn't a viable pregnancy and that it would be near impossible to get pregnant and carry to full term. He was trying to be as honest as he could and told me he didn't want to give me false hope.

I have been in a Zombie like state for the past week. My friend keeps sending me stories about pregnancy against the odds but I trust the consultant as he is the trained professional and I do believe he was being honest.

I know I haven't been through the pain of multiple failures but to be told to not even try after being pregnant is horrendous.

Fate has been so fickle, I find myself laughing at my fate, one minute pregnant, next infertile!

Sorry hope this post is not misplaced in this thread, I just needed to talk to others in this position.

Well I have been racking my brain but I cannot think of any decent examples of infertility in tv land. There is always a magic miracle pregnancy that occurs.

Its like newspaper articles. Where you think this is a good article about infertility, when right before the last paragraph there is a " then I discovered I was pregnant!" Before scrolling down to a photo of a grinning mum and baby. Its a miracle!

And can I add a lot of the childless by circumstance blogs/websites make me want to kill myself. So mournful, so dour, so tormented. You can practically catch the despair. I was looking for something that acknowledged the sadness but had some hope. After sifting through site after site, all I got was the urge to jump out of my bedroom window.

Popping my head in if I can

Over ten years I had 14 miscarriages and no live births. 10 years of hanging on the cliff edge of going proper bonkers. The highs of getting pregnant. The soul destroying black holes of losing and the massive anger that my body just won't do what it is bloody well supposed to do

Plus add in the guilt, the jealousy, the grief , the longing. All in all this is the shittest club to join

I will fess up that we have now adopted but that's another story for another board. Regardless of that I am still an uber infertile

So refreshing to see a thread purely for this. No magic solutions, no cures, no miracles. Just a safe place to say this is shit and be heard

Hats off to you all

Thanks for popping in to say hello Moogle.
Hope you are enjoying family life. Massive congratulations.
X

What ho barrens one and all

Hope you're hanging in there

We went to see Miles Jupp's stand up show, where he did a sketch about kids driving you to drink, and wine leading to sex, leading to more children (he has 5). Apparently it's that easy! You have a shag and get a baby!

He said the average cost of raising a child is over £250,000 - I thought, yeah mate, try being thousands and thousands down just trying to MAKE a child. You made your kids with some sex for free! We're well over £30,000 down on treatment, and looking at £100,000+ for surrogacy in the US, so frankly any future child is totally going down the mines.

Scan yesterday showed limited improvement to my lining, so we're going to have another go at a mock cycle again next month. The purpose of the mock is to have a dummy run to see how the lining responds, and to replicate the conditions of a transfer cycle in order to do the ERA biopsy. Unfortunately because my uterus is a fussy bitch, my lining doesn't respond to HRT, so medicated FET is out - as is natural FET, as I don't have cycles due to PCOS. So ovulation induction FET with some light stims it is.

Lining was crap so we decided not to do the ERA this month, trying again next month. As well as feeling emotionally very low that my uterus seems irreparably broken, I also have the indignity of ovaries like bowling balls and a stomach like a space hopper, thanks to ovulating 13 eggs at once. First time I've ovulated since 2015 (without an IUD) and we can't try naturally because of risk of Octomom (and more importantly the risk of miscarriage if anything did implant, cos of my shit lining)

Completely agree with the miracle stories in film, telly and every 'real life' infertility article

DH says the world and his wife apparently know the same unicorn couple who had 17 cycles and 14 miscarriages and she had blocked tubes and he had one bollock and a low sperm count and they stopped trying and went on the adoption list and relaxed and OMG the result is sleeping upstairs

Apparently this couple are really popular as every fucker seems to have an anecdote about them!!

Welcome to the new battalion recruits, the barren army (and GL to pepper for stims)

Laughing at unicorn couple 🦄

My most hated well intentioned piece of shit advice is 'keep thinking positive and it'll happen' - well actually it doesn't. My mood does not control my womb. I hate the underlying message that I'm causing it as I'm being negative. Tell me something positive about this !!!! It's as ridiculous as me consoling someone after losing a parent and saying 'keep thinking positive and they 'll come back'

Absolutely the one line that's guaranteed to make me want to stab someone

Banana I cannot stand the unicorn stories. But that made me laugh heartily.

Does anyone else still think (after 4 years) EVERY month "maybe just maybe". Period started tonight and feeling sorry for myself (for the 48th time). For no particular reason I also used ovulation sticks this month. Well they did didily squat for years prior to IVF, not sure why I thought it would do anything this time. Just makes me more frantic about having sex. Poor DH.

Hope you have all had a lovely weekend.

Incidentally, I saw Lion at the cinema. It is a truly harrowing but excellent film. spoiler alert it is about an Australian couple who adopt an Indian boy, and the obvious assumption is that they couldn't have children. At the end, you find out that the couple were never infertile but chose to adopt. I found it quite refreshing actually.

Hello all, I'm totally pissed, horrendous shit going on in my life (non ivf related) that is too complicated to explain and is a bit identifying, but involves a lot of hospitals and serious sleep deprivation so apologies for anything i
say!!
banana love you and so sorry this isn't going to plan. Drunk me thinks just go for it and shag dh but our situation has never involved pds tested embryos so chances are sooooo minimal. Yes that is BAD advice. Bad zippy.

Maybe not. Sorry if insensitive. Yeah but drunk me would after everything. Ps
Small world I've met friends of the unicorn couple!

sanfran yessss me I am celebrating 3years of infertility with a private conviction that I have implantation bleeding. Of course it's actually AF. WHAT is wrong with me?!

I also saw and loved Lion. Wow. However DH would now like to adopt a child from abroad.... The way off of this path is far from easy whatever route

noora thanks for the advice you are so right. A small vacation will probably solve everything. Of course we will definitely be parents I don't know what I was thinking. I've probably worked myself up into a crazy stress ball of infertility. So glad it's all worked out for you. Well done.

moogle I hear ya, be positive is my pet hate, seriously if I hear that one more time I will not be responsible for my actions! It manages to imply our infertility is down to my lousy attitude and in the same breath stops me from feeling able to share about one of the most frightening things to happen to a couple. FUCK OFF. Not you moogle, come in and help yourself to a scone or a mohito. Could you pass me Another too..

Big massive hug Zippy - is there anything we can do to help?

Actually, the only good advice I have been given at all during this shite 4 years is from my best friend who said. "I don't know if you will have a baby, but I do know that no matter what happens, you will be ok".

She is right, I am so fucking determined not to let this ruin my (otherwise really quite good) life.

Hi everyone.

I don't know if I fully qualify as I have had BFPs, but so far no living children.

I was also on Failure Stories so waves to all who were there also!

My story:

TTC 2 years, unexplained infertility

IVF 1 (fresh cycle): positive - gave birth to my son at 20 weeks (who died 3 minutes after delivery) due to fuck ups by the hospital who failed to spot complications in my pregnancy despite going to A&E twice (and being sent home twice) in the week before going in to labour. We are suing the hospital

IVF 2 (FET): failed.

IVF 3 (fresh cycle): positive until today I had a scan showing an empty sac and told I'll miscarry at some point this week and if not I'm booked in for a D&C next Monday.

Just feels like I won't ever be a mum. I mean, I'm legally a mum... on my baby's birth and death certificate but never actually take home a breathing real life baby.

Feeling defeated. I don't recognise my former self. The last 3.5 years I haven't partied, I've taken myself off social media, I don't connect with my friends anymore, DP and I keep to ourselves mostly these days when we used to be two outgoing fun people. I'm fucking bitter, angry, sad, and a cynical c**t these days.

Sometimes I feel like giving up and taking myself to Dignitas but I'd miss my dog too much

Oh God Again, I am so sorry to hear about your scan today, and of course your son. I was following your story on the other thread. Just horrific. Hope you and DH are taking care of yourselves and each other. Hugs.

Hugs also for you zippy. Hope you are ok x

Again I am am so sorry.
There aren't really any words that can make you feel better, but you are not alone. We are all here to listen and encourage ranting generally.
Massive hug

Hi all

Such strength on this board, I can't believe what some of you have been through!
I'm having a bit of a tough day. Starting another fresh cycle soon and second guessing myself like crazy. Telling myself off for not exercising enough/losing weight in time, wondering if I was right to ask for a protocol change (long didn't get me pregnant, nor did my fets). My brain is buzzing with anxiety, It's like once you book a cycle a door opens to feeling a tiny bit of hope yet I almost can't stand it as it has lead to such disappointment in the past. I am going to go back to my counsellor to help work this through but god it's hard!

(And zippy don't even get me started on my monthly "could it be implantation bleeds"....)

Again I'm so so sorry you find yourself here. I know we were on a FET cycle thread together last year, and Failure stories thereafter. Utterly devastating news and hope you and your DP can be kind to yourselves. On a more practical note, I had an ERPC last year, if you have any questions

zippy big hugs and a double nurofen and bacon buttie for the hangover post vino. Hope you're hanging in there - thinking of you.

(We didn't DTD not so much because of risk of Octomom, but because if something did implant, the likelihood of me being able to sustain a pregnancy with such shit lining would be slim to none, and would just be setting ourselves up for another miscarriage. Depressing as it's the first time I've ovulated (without contraception) since 2015)

With you moogle on think positive. No! Because I just end up more disappointed when things go to shit! Thinking positively or negatively makes not a jot of fucking difference, but thanks people for giving us something else to feel guilty about - that we're failing because we're not sufficiently positive. Fuck. That. Shit.