Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Hello everyone, thanks for your good thoughts - baseline scan was fine thanks, started injecting on mon evening so fingers, toes and flaps crossed. We're planning PGS but I've only ever got a max of 3 embryos to blast before so wondering if it's even worth it 😟 I had a very sweet trainee nurse do the scan: 'Now have you had one of these before?'

Me: 😒

Pepper and Pinkheels I think I remember you from previous threads, so sorry for your troubles.

Hopefully we can all offer each other some stoic support x

Glad baseline went well angelica. Hi tammy and pepper
waves to pinkheels. Sorry we are all in this shitty situation together.

In some woo way I always knew we would be infertile and felt we would have to have multiple cycles. But I really thought this one would be it. I have no back up plan. I've been so busy at work since otd I haven't really been able to process anything but I am off for a couple of days now and am hoping I don't crash completely. I just feel numb and oddly euphoric that I dont have to to ivf at the minute. This is such a fucked up thing to go through (especially whilst pretending nothing is wrong in the rest of your life)

pinkheels are you calling it a day completely? It would be brave and very freeing to move on from all this madness completely. I fear we may not be far from that decision either

Ladies, you are my people. I wish you weren't, but I'm very glad we have this thread

Completely agree zippy - it's so all consuming. I think that's the worst thing about infertility - not just the permanent aching sadness that we will never become parents, but the toxic nature of how it infects every aspect of your life and identity. I don't really recognise myself any more. Hope you and DH are able to be kind to yourselves

pink likewise to you - think of you often. Have you / would you see a counsellor? It is a kind of bereavement, and actually I personally find the grief of infertility and miscarriage harder in many ways than grieving the loss of my mum. There was a certainty when she died - we had to accept it, and move forwards. With infertility there is no certainty, because you're always hopeful that you'll be that unicorn couple who stopped trying and it happened etc etc

Angelica good luck with stims. I did PGS and would absolutely recommend it for multiple failures if only as a very expensive diagnostic exercise.

pepper so sorry for you - miscarriage after infertility just feels like the universe dangling hope in front of you and snatching it away.

tammy you expressed it SO perfectly - I frigging hate the 'it's all worthwhile when you....' comments. Of COURSE it's all worthwhile IF you end up having a baby. I'd do endless rounds and walk over broken glass if I knew I would get a baby at the end. But we don't know if it will be all worth it at the end. FFS.

bigger am so totally down with the barren Superbowl Gaga halftime entertainment. It's like the elite squad of barrens. Think avengers style. Or Charlie's Angels - except with dildocam and ovulation sticks instead of guns...

Glad to hear the scan went well Angelica. I've got everything crossed for you. I commence stabbing in a week or two so we are sort of cycle buddies (ish).

Hope your time off is okay zippy and that you and Mr Zippy can process otd. I always seem to be on a weird time delay with mine. Look after yourself.

Love the idea of an elite barren squad, bigger and banana. What would everyone's superpowers be? I have been able to make money disappear into thin air for ages now. Also, my Cycolgest farts could clear a city.

Barren salute to the rest of you. I'm off to administer some bum bullets to prep for a procedure my doctor described as "only moderately painful." WIN

Hi ladies,

I don't know how eligible I am to be here but here is my history:

Cycle 1
1st Transfer - BFP - Termination at 21 weeks for serious health condition
2nd T - BFP - Baby boy born 2015
3rd T - BFN

Cycle 2
4th T - BFN

Cycle 3
5th - BFN
6th - BFP - Miscarriage
7th - BFP - Chemical
8th - Currently on 2ww

Don't get me wrong I totally know that as I have a son we are not in the same boat and not a day passes when I don't think that I am so blessed but I still find that our journey has been a total nightmare. Like many of you said, the process, the constantly dashed hope and endless disappointment takes over. I try to go through the process while remaining disconnected from it and I am the eternal pessimist as I have had so many failures and pregnancies snatched away that I try to self preserve. Hearing 'it will happen' makes me equally frustrated and I already have a child! I was really down after my chemical pregnancy before xmas but since hearing about 3 people my age who have died from awful illnesses (motor neurone, brain tumour, cancer) I decided that I have my health and that is the most precious thing we have. Sorry if I'm going off on a tangent but it helped pull me out of my negativity.
Anyways I wish you all the strength to keep on fighting and if you decide to pursue other avenues I hope they bring you happiness too. I personally don't think my husband will agree to sperm donor (I don't want it either, but that is our issue so would probably fix the problem) so who knows what the future holds.
xxx

Can I join?
We have been trying since 2013. We have unexplained infertility and I have had three rounds of clomid, a myomectomy, a HSG, three full ICSI cycles which all ended in total fertilisation failure.
I am in Australia so all IVF is self funded but is subsidised by medicare (NHS) but it still costs $1000's per cycle.
We are doing one more IVF cycle with donor embryos as back up. If it doesn't work then we are calling it quits. It is just too hard.

Hi all

Piling into this group myself. I've also been through a few rounds in the past year (fresh and frozen) and feeling a bit battered. It's great to have this thread.

I read this article a few weeks ago and thought it might be helpful to others (a bit waffly but some good stuff in there);

www.resolve.org/support/pregnancy-after-infertility/pregnancy-between-infertility-friends.html

I guess it is hard when you start a thread with a few others and then your cycle doesn't work out but theirs does. And then you start with another cohort and yet again your friends "graduate" leaving you behind. Yet another "lovely" dynamic to work through in this infertility experience!

It's almost a bit like the little shock you get when you realise you no longer belong to the conception board and you come over here...

Anyway sending good thoughts to all of you and hoping some of this is helpful!

A

Hi amara that is a very interesting article.

Hi guys
In the midst of stabbing for our first FET after 1 failed and 2 cancelled IUIs and a failed fresh cycle last year. We have two frosties but if they don't work I think that may be it for us. Not sure I can face another fresh cycle and then feel really guilty about giving up too soon.

Another phrase to ban 'it'll happen if it's meant to be'. Oh, great sentiment. Thanks.

Ps that article is very helpful In articulating some of what I feel. Thanks

Biggerboat I'm in the same position myself hence looking for this article. I guess I've just reconciled myself to the fact that once someone crosses over the pregnancy line I am no longer able to deal with them in the same way.

We had 4 failed IVF cycles ending with trauma that meant I had to wait a full 9 months until the clinic accepted me again.

This trauma resulted in 3 embryos being frozen. My son is one of these frozen embryos. I think the enforced waiting and getting off the IVF merry go round definitely helped.

My 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th unsuccessful treatments also resulted in a break due to illness. My daughter was born on the 10th, a very unexpected result given I was told not a hope by my consultant. He was doing it only to enable me to conclude.

I have lived the roller coaster and it's so hard. There is hope, however small. Wishing all of you the best outcome.

And who is putting your feelings first biggerboat?

Sometimes I feel like those suffering infertility end up comforting and compromising for those who have successful pregnancies, we're not given permission to be sad or to withdraw while we lick our wounds.

It seems perverse, doesn't it?

I think it's because infertility grief is not like other grief, it tends to get worse rather than better with time..

It's so hard. I've never been the sort to be envious of what others have and I hate that anyone thinks that is what I am feeling. It's not. I cope with our infertility by counting my blessings and trying not to dwell which does work somewhat - until I am confronted with what I can't have, my crappy coping mechanism is blown sky high and I am left feeling this unbearable sadness I have been so desperately avoiding. I have one friend who has achieved a family through ivf and seems to have forgotten how it felt to be infertile. Both me and dh feel very burned by some of their flippant comments. They have every right to be super proud of their success, I just wish they could be a little more sensitive.

I hear you Zippy, my coping mechanism is pretty fragile, probably made of spiderweb and cotton wool. It doesn't take much to blow it apart.

My biggest fear is hear someone who has had successful fertility treatment addding to the "have you tried this" brigade. Fertility treatment is so individual anyway it just contributes to the overall bamboozlement.

I think very few people understand infertility grief. I have also got the sense that people get bored hearing about it, as though I should have moved into something new.

I have tried all the usual coping stuff. Focus on positives, yarda yarda. But actually the more I try and cover it up the worse I feel. So I now accept - privately at least - that I am pretty much going to feel shit all of the time. My achievement is not showing it.

My pet hate is the magazine stories about people's IVF 'journeys' and how they found peace. They all fecken well have babies at the end. Where are all the people who just don't...

Bigger They could not give us a reason. Basically it is either my eggs have crappy shells, DH's sperm heads do not fragment or my eggs and his sperm have an intense hatred of each other and refuse to place nicely. So apart from donating some eggs for more checking, which I am loathe to do because I only ever get a few, there is not much to say.