Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Completely agree Pepper that very few people understand infertility grief

We're grieving the fact we are very likely never going to have anyone call us mum

That we will never be able to go to a parent's evening

That we will forever be excluded from our friends' lives now they have kids

That we will have to find meaning in life where we will never have a child

Unless you're childfree by choice, it's a grief most people will thankfully never understand

ladies. It's the fucking pits. I'm glad there's a new thread for this - I think Bip's Failure Stories served a similar purpose, but then went the way of all ivf threads and got snarled up with pregnant success stories (which is obviously the aim, and I think we all had the pom-pins out for Bip!)

I do think you need this as a "safe space" for those who don't have any children and where the odds of 'it' working are ever-diminishing. It's not about "losing hope" it's about the cold harsh shit reality.

As such this isn't a place for me, and, respectfully, I don't think it's the right place for any secondary barrens either. But I'm so, so rooting for you all x

Icy that is why I left the other groups and was glad to find this one. I know that our last cycle probably won't work and I want others to be a bit pessimistic like I am. Everyone else seems to get their embryos and BFP's and we get nothing. I am sick and tired of putting my life on hold. I want a final decision made. I feel like I am joining the fertility version of the forlorn hope. Anyhoo, off to eat another hot cross bun.

I miss bip but so glad she has been able to leave these threads. In the spirit of failure stories- in the last few weeks since my last cycle failed I have gone completely
crazy and stopped paying any heed to a number of ridiculous fertility superstitions I have developed over the years. I have had peas for dinner three nights in a row (a natural contraceptive apparently), I've been walking around in bare feet (must keep your feet warm to be fertile according to Chinese medicine) and I have stopped taking folic acid (I have been taking it for three years depressingly). I did stick my legs in the air after sex the other night, maybe some habits take longer to die...

Hi everyone. Can I join?
I have just spent ages reading and re-reading all your stories, and this is a thread I can finally join.

We have had 3 x full ICSI cycles including one FET, so 4 transfers in total. 2 x BFN and then the last 2 x early miscarriages. We even saw a yolk sac and fetal pole the last time on scan, but sadly started bleeding and it was all over.

I have always prided myself on being "strong" and able to handle the stress but now I feel broken. I am frightened of the future and never being a mum. I am not sure I can see the point of the work/earning/holidays cycle if we can't share it with a child. As I am sure all of you feel, I really think we would make great parents - it is so ball achingly unfair.

I know quite a few people who have had long infertility journeys, and all of them have now been successful. It is amazing for them, but has left me alone and despairing.

We have our first counselling session this afternoon actually, as I want to feel prepared for the next cycle which we are gearing up for. For the first time I am absolutely dreading ICSI. Not the physical side but the rollercoaster of maybe? Maybe ? .....nah not this time.

I have an amazing husband who is very practical and pragmatic, but I can't deny that I worry about our relationship not being strong enough. Is anybody's?

I truly wish everybody success. My best friend (who has had horrific life events) and is a constant source of inspiration for me, gave me the best piece of advice, she said, "I can't tell you that you will have a baby, but I can tell you that no matter what happens, you will be ok".

Big hugs x

Please can I join too? I'm also glad there's another thread like this. icy and GrinAndTonic agree re other similar threads starting off like this, but then ending up as success stories (which is obviously the aim of fertility treatment but doesn't help those of us stuck in failure land).

I can also provide bucket loads of pessimism for you grim. Although I think it's not really pessimism-it's actually realism. I don't get why some people are really optimistic re fertility treatment when statistically a cycle of IVF is more likely to fail than it is to work. Surely that's just setting yourself up for more disappointment. I'd feel like a right cow going on many fertility threads as I'd just piss on everyone else's optimism with my pessimism.

I totally agree with this Everyone else seems to get their embryos and BFP's and we get nothing. I am sick and tired of putting my life on hold..

We've had 5 unsuccessful ICSI cycles and I've never had a positive pregnancy test. I think other people would assume that if I did ever get a positive pregnancy test I'd be pleased, but I think the reality is I'd actually be terrified. Terrified at when it's all going to go wrong and that we're just going to fall at the next hurdle. I hope I don't offend/upset anyone by saying this, but when we've had a negative test after a treatment cycle, the only thought I've been able to console myself with is, well at least it's not a miscarriage or an ectopic. I think it would be even harder to get a bit closer to success and then have it snatched away, "at least" we have always fallen at the first hurdle. God that's depressing.

SanFran I totally agree re feeling alone and despairing, this is a lonely place to be.

Hello to banana, hope you're hanging in there.

Hi sanfran and earlgrey, sorry you find yourselves here too.
All multiple failures welcome (unless it ever works for you in which case well done, we are all very pleased for you, the door is over here >>>>>)

That just made me laugh Zippy!

Just been to the counsellor. It was a very helpful experience to clarify some feelings. DH came too and he also found it useful.
I would recommend it, but I know we are all different in our approach to coping.
Any other coping strategies always welcome. I did accupuncture in my last round but not convinced by it - anyone have any strong feelings re accupuncture?

Welcome to the very barren ghetto sanfran and earlgrey. I completely relate to what you have said. I have a lovely DH and a good life but always felt I would be a Mum. So much of what seems to make life interesting, worthwhile and full seems to be linked to raising a family and without that I feel that the 'work-weekend-repeat' seems empty and pointless. I might feel differently if my job were in any way useful to the world, but it isn't!

sanfran I am doing acupuncture at the moment to prepare for the next cycle. This is despite hating it. My reason is superstition based: I did acupuncture during a cycle last year and one of the embryos gave me a brief bfp. DH has some herbs too. We are mainly going through the motions, as with the cycle itself.

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

I feel like uber barrens club needs some rules, you'd think they would be common sense but on thread after thread it seems that's not the case

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, the 9th battalion isn't for you.

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

Sorry if I seem overly blunt, but fuck it. I know I'm not alone here, so might as well just say it.

Sgt banana over and out.

Well said banana. We're über barren please for the love of god just leave us in peace. Feeling especially barren today. Went to see a winters tale last night which has a lot in it about pregnancy, the joy of children and thinking your children have been fathered by another man. Just prefect for a couple who are chronically barren and considering donor. There's also a baby left in the woods.. If only it was that easy to get one nowadays

YES BANANA .

I've wanted to say that on a few threads but haven't been brave enough. No offence at all to anyone suffering from secondary infertility (and the best of luck to you all) but it just ain't the same.

Egg collection tomorrow. Not excited in any way, shape or form. I am, however, bloated, waddling and my boobs are killing me. Fucking typical that the treatment designed to try and get you pregnant makes you look and feel like you are.

Balls to this

salutes to all

Fucking Mother's Day coming up too. We'll have to stick on gin and missile launchers 😞

That should obviously say 'stock up on'

Aye aye captain!

Thank god for you lot.
The secondary infertility people give me the shits though. You've got one, stop whinging!

Well I am doing placement for uni. I am studying nursing and I just did four weeks on a baby ward at the big hospital and now and doing another four weeks with the child health nurses (like home visitors).
I hated seeing the deprived children when a paramedic but this is just frustrating. There is one woman on the books who is 30 has been pregnant 15 times, given birth to 11 (only 9 survived) and EVERY CHILD has been removed by child services.

If only I was a teenage crack whore I'd be pregnant by now.

pepper I'd take some stick on gin. Maybe it is like a nicotine patch and just gives you a nice slow release cocktail throughout the day?

Private PeaOp reporting for duty. Ready to wave the barren flag high.

grin I am totally pitching Stick on Gin to Dragons' Den

I have suggested on more than one occasion to my Dr that I was seriously considering crack addiction as a less expensive - and presumably more enjoyable - fertility treatment, as those arseholes on Jeremy Kyle apparently can't stop getting knocked up.

I had HRT patches during one of my many failed attempts at a medicated cycle - I wonder if I'd have had any more success with gin patches? Probably just as much failure, but MUCH more enjoyable, I reckon...

Hi, may I join you? I unfortunately think I qualify :( My story is my (lol) ttc "journey" started over 4 years ago and I've had 3 ivfs. First resulted in an ectopic treated with methotrexate, 2nd bfn, 3rd ectopic had to have my tube removed.

I'm now in the shitty situation of having 4 frozen embryos (as the supplements seemed to make a massive improvement in embryo quality which meant the bloody thing in my tube wouldn't stop growing) but I daren't do any more ivf in case I lose my other tube to another ectopic as risk increases with each ectopic. Which I think would actually end me because it all feels like my fault. So our options are all crap really.

Add to this all of my friends are pregnant/have children/ are trying so I dread every contact from them and their happy news and my husband and I have totally isolated ourselves, we're both in jobs that are nice and steady if you have children, boring as hell if not (and of course surrounded by parents). Also both from dysfunctional families it really feels like there is no point in anything and it's just not meant to be. Bitter, moi? Mais oui!

Anyways much as I hate that anyone has to be here (I have been lurking on this forum for longer than I wish to acknowledge) I'm with you all on the needing to accept that this might actually just not happen and not have this minimised by people who just don't know.

Just to add I have also given up on all supplements - even the folic acid for a bit on principle!

I haven't really given up much this time but I am not eating as much sugary crap or milk but that's a general health choice and a side effect of a surgery I had. I'm still taking my vitamins but that is due to being generally unwell post surgery. I have switched to methylfolate from folic acid for my folate. I was reading about cleft palates for uni and there are a few studies out there (real peer reviewed ones not David Avocado Wolfe c) linking unmetabolised folic acid to increased midline issues like cleft palates but also to increased risk of multiples during IVF.