Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Thanks for the warm welcome.

Ah yes an ERPC banana, had one of those too when the hospital discharged me only to pass golf ball sized bits of membrane and tissue on the toilet the night we got home so was re-admitted the following day and they found bits of placenta casually floating around my uterus (I could die if untreated). At 20 weeks pregnant the placenta still sits quite high so didn't come out with my dying son so was "manually removed" by the doctor who had her whole arm up my foof and in my body fishing around for it and ripping it from my abdominal wall... except it didn't come out in one piece.

I can feel a bit of pain 'down there' this morning which I hope means I am miscarrying and don't have to go to hospital on Monday. The things that make me smile!

+ mumsnet =
I'm ok thanks all. The 'implantation bleeding' turned out to be AF. No surprises there.
Hello again so sorry this is happening and I remember you from failure stories.
boat lol at aunties dog walkers hairdresser. That reminds me of something I was thinking reading
that nhs funding thread. It does seem unfair that they can cut ivf funding when infertile couples will do just about anything to try and improve their chances (compared to smokers/drinkers/obese people who won't help themselves...). Anyway.
Waves to everyone else hope you are all having a good day

Hi all,

I would love love love to join this support thread after chatting to Bananafish about it on another forum If OK. Really sorry to hear all your stories and that there are others in an equally bleak and shit position. I am in a massive rage today so seemed appropriate time to join.😬

Brief history:
4 years TTC, London clinic
Had 5 failed cycles doing IUI, ICSI, IMSI & PGS on 10 embryos most recently, where only 1 passed. Never had a pregnancy.
Currently on DR for last FET next month which will be our last with my last egg.

Went in this morning for hysteroscopy & scratch but am home early as they refused to perform it as I STUPIDLY admitted to my husband and I having unprotected sex ONCE this whole month, which I know we are not technically supposed to do on DR but I thought fuck it as we can't get pregnant anyway.

I tried to talk my way out of it saying I can't get pregnant anyway to which the consultant agrees with me saying, yes you can't get pregnant naturally but it's our policy and well actually it happened in another clinic where a woman was pregnant before this test so now we do this. I was like are you for real?!? I can't get pregnant, it's why I'm in your fertility clinic!!! I was FUCKING RAGING.

So now I'm at home sulking and angry for another month wasted, for psyching myself up for the anaesthetic, I know this is nothing to them but FFS a month is huge to us, the sodding wasted stress & emotion, medication, work we've push back etc etc, I knowledge you all know this and bleeeeeuuuurgh. I am just cross. Apologies. But glad to be here with you all.

I think one of my hated phrases is 'the result is sleeping peacefully upstairs/in next room' - why are they always sleeping peacefully and not 'the result has just farted and now I'm wearing a gas mask/the result just peed all over me when I was changing his nappy/the result had been bawling nonstop for 3 hours and I'm about to go crazy' ? And no matter the scenario (haven't had sex in months but have a feeling you're pregnant? 'That happened to me and the result...', just been told you'll never have kids but your period is half an hour late? 'That happened to me and...' Just been told you are miscarrying by a doctor? Guess what? That happened to a poster and now the result is...) I think it's on a par with the magic unicorn couple who got pregnant when they least expected it, except I guess this is first hand magic unicorn baby.

Top five comments that make me want to scream JUST FUCK OFF at that person:

1- Hang in there, my mate had a lovely little girl / boy / squirrel through IVF. Yeah, I know IVF is sometimes successful, I wouldn't be doing it otherwise.

2- Have you tried... It's usually something fucking basic, like track ovulation or take vitamins.

3 - It will happen. One day you will be a mum. No, it really, really might not and I almost certainly won't be.

4 - If I were you I would adopt. (People that say this never have the smallest clue about adoption or what it involves and always have kids of their own).

5 - Just relax. The next person to say this to me will be relaxing in their grave.

Special mention goes to BTL commentators who bang on about the planet being overpopulated. Also people that ask you if you are preg because you're a bit puffy round the middle.

Got stimms rage today... so bloated and angry!

Oh, and welcome to you Mrsfw. That all sounds dreadful. I'm sorry.

Thanks so much for the welcome 😊 Bigger
Tammy & Pepper you girls have made me smile/laugh after been face down in bed hiding for the past 6 hours, which now feels better xxxx

I hate the "go on vacation and you'll get pregnant" comments. Or "be positive" or "don't think about it". Like how? I have a gyn in my fanny two or three times a week for superlong cycles, how do I just 'not think about it'?

Anyway, fertility clinic for over three years. Pcos. Not in UK. 5 clomid cycles but didn't work for me. A zillion stim cycles (didn't count how many). Had one IUI. I have to do at least three IUI before I am allowed to go to IVF. I think I had two early miscarriages before the ttc through the fertility clinic but never got to the scan stage. Had a BFP last year, slow growth, miscarried at 5 or 6 weeks. BFP last august, growth slow then quick then slow. Miscarried at 10.4. BFP in january. Slow growth. Suspected ectopic but thankfully wasn't. Miscarried via tablets last week as wasn't viable. I think ivf might give me better chances because they put the best dividing egg back in. I am almost 38 and don't like that they make me wait.

I've had HSG, cancelled cycles, a suspected polip (nothing there ) and probably a whole of other stuff that I forgot to mention. I have the longest cycle while stimmimg in this fertility clinic. They had to change the form they put it on for me.... i do have a lot of eggs in my ovaries but I get pregnant difficultly and it just doesn't grow well. It's all me, DP has some kind of superswimmimng sperm.

Big rant:

I don't know what I'll do of I'll never had a kid. I don't want to miscarry again. I hate the physical pain. I hate the waiting. I hate the unfairness. I hate wondering when my job will find a reason to fire me because I'm either pregnant, miscarrying or coming late due to scans. I hate the unfairness. I hate people that whine to me that they get it because they had to wait three months before thry got their BFN naturally. I hate the questions when we will have a kid. I hate holding a baby and being commented on that it looks good on me and that I am a natural mother. I hate threads on MN that go ooooh am I pregnant? (Take a fucking test tomorrow). I hate twoweekwaiters. It doesn't matter because getting pregnant doesn't mean getting a baby. I hate people that say that having kids isn't that great, although they went on to have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th one.

And breathe.....

Ok, so I was lurking before but I've hit another failure so I guess I'll jump in properly now. I'm calling the EPU today to confirm that my pregnancy is over. A private scan last night failed to detect a heartbeat. I knew something was wrong after a sudden flash of clarity on Friday night.

Not sure what to do. Bit scared of a prolonged mc, but also concerned that it wouldn't be a good idea to have another ERPC, although that's my preference - there are some stats that say that it increases miscarriage rates. Not that I'm sure it matters as my personal miscarriage rate is 100%, or three out of three. Oh, for the heady days when I thought a bfp would solve it all!

I've spent more than four years TTC, we're unexplained. Three IVF cycles, one bfp (cp) then a bfn and then a bfp but mc at 11 weeks. Then a miracle natural bfp in Jan but a mmc at 8 weeks today. Both pregnancies were progressing well, good heartbeat and measurements as expected, although each time I developed a large area of bleeding in the uterus and had heavy bleeds. Both times I've been told that it wasn't affecting the pregnancy, but it seems like a sinister coincidence to me.

I don't think I can face being pregnant again. It's a misery. chinny, you've summed it up perfectly there. It's just fucking shit isn't it.

again, I'm so sorry you're miscarrying too. I also remember you from failure stories.

Zippy, sending love to you. Sorry you've got non-infertility shit to deal with on top of everything else. I think I might join you on sinking a bottle of wine pretty soon.

Hi to everyone else, sorry to see so many people here. Just catching up on all your stories.

Oh and I thought of my most heartbreaking film reference. I, Daniel Blake - the bit where someone asks him if he had kids and he just says "I would have loved that". Just the simplicity of it got to me. The thought that perhaps, if he had, he wouldn't have ended up alone and with nothing. I sobbed all the way through the film, but that bit made it worse.

Oh Tiger I'm so sorry. We're here to listen when you need it. Take care of yourself and Mr Tiger.

Tiger sending you and dh love. again sorry you are here with us. X

tigerdog sending you much much love, so saddened by your news. If you feel able let us know how today goes

Tigerdog I am sorry to see you hear again. It's total shit. You have an mc buddy in me! I'm just waiting to bleed or get this shitty empty sac sucked out asap so I can get on with the next steps. I don't even want to "grieve" for this mc I just want to get on with things.

Wow Mrsfw and Chinnygirl such heart-wrenching stories and frustrating, disappointing, fucking shit, doesn't begin to cover the amount of words to describe your pain so far.

Mrsfw I know what you mean by a month being a big deal to people like us!! Every day right now feels like a month, and a month feels like a year. Every hour I don't have a baby is an hour too long. I've been waiting 3.5 years and still nothing and back to square-fucking-one! The waiting I the worst part in all of this.

Girls, thanks for the support, it means so much just getting this from other women who really feel where I'm at. I'm in the worst shitting mood today. In the pit of despair and no hope. I'll dig myself out at some point by the end of the week am sure.

Tigerdog Again Zippy and anyone I've missed, sending you all love at this crap time xx

Just reading through I'm so sorry Tigerdog and everyone else having such an awful time, it's just so shit and neverending. Unfortunately we all understand, and know how strong you are having to be it's just not fair. Be kind to yourselves. xx

So sorry to hear that, tigerdog. Hugs to you and your DP. Are you going to pursue recurrent miscarriage investigations now you are past 3 (really the criteria ought to be brought down to 2 if you have infertility on top of that)?

This OP is on her second cycle after coming off the pill in December and she just can't deal with the disappointment at not being pregnant.

Bloody hell I had a friend like that. She contacted me after trying for 4 months (knowing my history) saying she was having problems conceiving and how horrible it all was for her and she knows how I feel (hahahahaha). She conceived not long after and is now nearing her due date while I have lost a tube due to an ectopic after ivf (again) and daren't try again in case I lose the remainder. People are fucking idiots.

Sorry about your stupid friend user. I have one like that who texted me her pregnancy announcement two days after what would have been my son's due date. She conceived first time trying on her honeymoon. Fucker!

Oh dear Again, she sounds just as lovely :(! I am ashamed to say I don't really tolerate people like this anymore and haven't really been in touch since the pregnancy announcement (followed by some old shit on facebook that I would love to describe but if anyone I know is on this it will out me!). That really pisses me off too people who just assume their pregnancy = baby and it must just be something about me that could never possibly happen to them (unexplained infertility btw!). Sorry getting ranty, one of those days.

Just got baby bombed at work. FFS. 1st scan of our FET tomorrow- hoping all is well and we can move onto stage 2, it has been a long 23 days of down reg....

Ladies. I know this is small fry compared to some of the horrible mc news today but I am struggling.

We have sight of an egg collection date and it has triggered a massive spiral of panic. This will be my fourth egg collection and my sixth cycle. Four BFN and then last time a BFP but miscarried. If this fails (and it probably will) I don't know our next step. I am fighting the urge to call the whole thing off, get in my car, drive to a remote hotel, lock the door, turn off all my devices and drink two bottles of red wine while listening to loud hip hop. I don't even like hip hop. I think I need to go home from work.

Thanks for all the love. It's just one enormous crock of shit, but we are all surviving so well done us. You're bloody amazing.

Miscarriage buddies again! My D&C is booked for Tuesday so I will also be running the gauntlet and hoping I don't bleed before then. My scan showed a huge separate bleed too, so even if I don't miscarry before then, I'm a ticking time bomb and could drop that at any time.

What a fucking idiot your friend is user! Jeez I think I might have to start patrolling some of these twatty conception boards and injecting my own bitter realism into them!!

This pregnancy I lurked on the October antenatal club and it was very different to usual - so many losses and lots of anxiety, and not the usual buying baby clothes and telling everyone at 6 weeks.

Yep, tammy, I am going to see what the NHS can do on recurrent miscarriage but I'll probably have level 1 & 2 immunes with Care as I don't want to waste any more time. I have had large subchoronic hemorrhages with both of my longest pregnancies and that worries me.

Hope the mood lifts Mrsfw. I have curated myself a sad spotify playlist and will have a little wallow, but I've also written a massive list of things I plan to do and will keep myself busy. First stop, planning my garden! The only downside to this is that I tend to kill my bank balance, and I should probably save the money for the inevitable IVF costs.

Hey pepper, it's the same feelings of hopelessness after a failed cycle as a mc - the only difference with the mc is that the hope lasted a bit longer. I know what you mean - it all just gets a bit much the closer you get to taking the IVF gamble. I think it's just like gambling actually - you can dream about the winnings, but when it comes the moment of putting all your money on black, it's no wonder you feel panicked.

Can you do the hiding and the wine anyway??! At least for a day until you feel better?