Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Thanks guys, it was actually ok - I managed to block everything out with music or podcasts all day and, thankfully, although it's an open plan office we have high dividers so didn't have to look at her bump once. I felt a bit tearful now and then but got through it ok. (God, this sounds so pathetic but that's what my life has become...)

Hugs to you for this week, fourpawswhite. I will be thinking of you and hoping for better times for you (and all of us, obviously!)

Hi ladies,

Am so glad everyone is still here (in terms of surviving!) but hope we all get to bugger off from this thread eventually.

Am going back a few pages now but Zippy I loved that article, thank you gif sharing. I want a large print of that couple under the rock or maybe I will Xmas card it!

Tammy glad to hear you made it through work, it's always just so shit isn't it. Sorry to hear it was a tough time.

Isthismummy am so pleased to hear you have been matched!, that is super exciting. Totally understandable anc normal emotions, I actually think you are being very restrained!

Well I've learnt my lesson on recent AIBUs and stupid infertility questions. I always think that I can educate or inform about DE or IVF but a lot if the time people just want to have a rant and don't want to hear. It's depressing really.

How's everyone doing in the run up to Christmas? I've switched booze for chocolate as downregging again for next donor cycle. I reckon I can put on 10 kg by the new year!

Hope everyone is hanging in there xx

Hi guys I hope you don't mind me joining - we have just had our 3rd failed ICSI cycle so just looking for people to talk to that are in a similar situation.

Looking to have more tests and have one final attempt left on the nhs. I feel like a deflated balloon and not really sure I can go through all this again x

Glad you got through it Tammy You're a strong woman

Mrsfw I don't even open infertility threads on AIBU now. You can guarantee the op will say "please don't tell me to adopt" and within three replies some arsehole will go " have you considered adoption?"

10kg by the new year sounds do able. You might have to really commit though How long are you down regging? I'm currently eyeballing my box of meds for my donor cycle. No down regging for me though, which probably shows just how fucked my ovaries are!

I'm trying to approach Christmas with optimism, but whether I'll be able to keep it up is another thing. I may however drop kick the next person who says to me that Christmas is for kids.

user welcome to the thread of despair. So sorry to hear of your failed cycles

Hi user, sorry you find yourself here but welcome to the thread.
How's everyone doing? Plodding along here, I'm worried that getting time off from work may be a bit complicated for our next cycle (I don't want to have to tell anyone what the time off is for). I wish these things could be organised more precisely in advance!

Hi all, is it ok if I join this thread? I am really down right now and it's been cool to see your chats and feel like I'm not alone.

Over the past 2 years I've had 2 operations and 4 failed IVFs. Doctor has advised against any more IVF and thinks we should try egg donation. We're taking a break before we decide what to do next and we're trying to deal with it all but it is really hard.

I feel like my wider circle of friends disappeared during my operations and didn't get in touch or offer any support, except for 1 close friend, so now I feel really let down by them.

Also, I can't stop being angry with some friends who knew we were doing IVF but announced they were pregnant in a really insensitive way - telling us in excruciating detail how easy it was, etc. It happened ages ago but I haven't been able to bring myself to visit - but I'm going to have to go soon.

I generally love my job but I've been so crap since I've been trying to deal with this and work out what to do next. I was planning to catch up a bit today but I just can't stop crying, being angry with people and feeling isolated.

I know others here have been through the same or worse, so sorry this is a bit of a moan - it's a relief to be able to vent a bit!

Welcome lesslea so sorry to hear you're so down No need to ever apologise though. This thread is here for venting and ranting at the horrible unfairness of it all.

I'm sorry to hear of your failed IVF attempts. What reason has your doctor given for moving on to egg donation? Also sorry to hear about the shitty friends. So many people are unable to look past their own happiness to see other people's suffering. I hope you are feeling a little better today.

zippybear sorry to hear you're stressed about getting the time off. The uncertainty of timelines really doesn't help an already stressful experience go any smoother. Are your employers generally understanding?

In my news...our donor had their egg collection yesterday. Fourteen collected of which twelve were mature. I've had an email just now to say eleven have fertilised. I'm very excited, but also very emotional. It's very hard knowing another woman is doing what my body can't manage. So surreal.

Hi lesslea.

It’s definitely ok for you to join the thread although sorry you find yourself here. It’s totally shit for everyone here and this thread is definitely not the ‘who has it worst’ olympics so vent away all you want. What we don’t want here is false positivity or chipper “have you tried.....” advice, but having a whinge is not only allowed, it’s expected.

I can totally understand your anger at people announcing their pregnancies in insensitive ways. It’s bad enough hearing about other people’s pregnancies as it is, but worse when they say stupid things like they weren’t really trying or that they only had sex once and then bam instaduffed. I mean how is that in any way helpful to anyone.

I think your idea of having a break before deciding what to do next is a good one. Hopefully a bit of a break will allow you to feel a bit more of your normal self before deciding what your next step is. If you do decide to go with egg donation then not only is that a big decision to make, but also time is on your side as the success of it isn’t dependent on your age so you can take your time in deciding whether it’s right for you.

Mummy, really pleased to hear the egg collection and fertilisation went well. That’s brilliant news. I will think divide and grow thoughts for your embryos over the next few days. I am really hoping they do well.

It is bloody hard knowing that your body can’t do what you want it to. On the plus side, you’ve got brilliant numbers of eggs from your donor and you haven’t had to take a shed load of drugs to get a measly 2 eggs which you then spend the next 3 days wondering if any of them will fertilise and develop and whether there will be anything to transfer at the end of it- I’ve been there and I don’t recommend it! I know it’s crap and this it’s not how we’d choose to do things if we had any choice over any of this. But if we had any choice over any of this, this thread wouldn’t exist either as none of us would choose to be here.

Oh and by the way mummy I’ll join you in drop kicking the next person who says Christmas is for kids. Bah humbug!

I don't know how you coped in that situation EarlGreyT It's bad enough worrying about somebody else's embryos dividing. The whole thing feels like being an incredibly disadvantaged runner at the worlds shittest olympics.

I've just been told we have ten of still good quality on day 3. Really praying for at least four decent blasts. If I have enough for a few transfers then I'll feel a bit better. I transferred all the money last night which was slightly horrifying. I realised we literally have nothing left now. I'm probably going to have to beg my parents for flight/hotel money for January. Feeling quite furious about it today. Obviously I'd give every last penny to have a baby, but it is all just SO unfair! DH seems in a bad mood about it the last 24 hours too. Not helped by the massive hangover he's had from a party we went too at weekend.

Oh God yes, the Christmas is for kids line makes me feel very stabby. I remember the guy who's daughter owns the stables I keep my horse at saying it last year. She's their only child and same age as me. I know for a fact she's really sad about being single and child free. I remember thinking "I hope to God he doesn't say that in front of her"

What's everyone's plans for Christmas anyway? I hope we're all planning to treat ourselves in the manner we deserve?

Those are fab numbers mummy. Hopefully they’ll progress well over the next 2 days and you’ll have good news on Thursday.

I hope so too EarlGreyT I've just gotten AF today (oh the joys of 19 day apart peri menopausal periods) so should be able to start my meds today.

Neha has been reported for being suspected spam and also for using the dreaded phrase 'think positive'

Had a bit of a break from all things infertility after having a meltdown I didn't recover from properly for a while. Doing better and trying to be optimistic and find joy where possible.

Isthismummy, this is such an exciting development. I will genuinely be thinking about you

Bit of a funny one - I met up with a friend who told me that a mutual friend who is pregnant said: "Tips hates me because I'm pregnant". She heard this from another friend who thought it was an odd comment to make. This person is someone who I made a real effort to send a thoughtful text congratulating her on her pregnancy. I was open with her and said that while DH and I were ok as a couple, we have been destroyed by this. I am floored by her comments.

We don't see her often (she's part of a wider group of friends and we're not that close but still) but due to be meeting up with her as part of a group over Xmas. I need to say something - what would you do? My issue is that she is actually lying and I have no idea why anyone would do that.

Sorry, just realised I've waltzed straight back to the thread after not posting for weeks and just started talking about myself

"Christmas is for kids" - oh please. I have bought some ludicrously expensive wine and plan to resume drinking in a BIG way this Xmas. How's that for "magical"?!

Tips, I hope you’re ok. Really no need to apologise for waltzing back in and talking about yourself. I’m not the thread police, but one of the things this thread is for is exactly that-a safe space for us to offload and vent with people who get it and who aren’t going to offer platitudes, false positivity, ridiculous “have you tried....” suggestions, stories of mythical unicorn couples who’ve triumphed against the odds or any of the other infertility cliches we all know and hate.

Not sure how you should handle the “tips hates me.....” friend. I wondered from your post if it was said as a slightly sarcastic comment in that she could understand you hating her as she knows what you’re going through and understands it must be really hard for you. If it’s definitely not that and I’m totally off the mark and you want to ask her about it, I’d directly ask her why she said it and then tell her how hurtful it is especially when you’ve tried to be pleased for her (and then never talk to her about my own infertility again).

I think resuming drinking in a big way is definitely magical and at least it’s not smug twee shit which is what Christmas seems to be all about for some people!

Tips EarlGreyT could be bang on the money regarding your friend. You've had the info third hand and it's easy to have comments taken out of context in those situations. I would speak to her to find out the real story. Never mentioning your infertility to her again may well be wise. She possibly isn't the most understanding of confidents.

Oh and in other news...six of our donor eggs have made it to blast and being frozen. The clinic said they are top quality ones. I'm so happy. At least DH has good sperm even if my ovaries are knackered!

Been frozen even...

Thanks so much for the supportive messages EarlGreyT and isthismummy. It makes such a big difference to know there are others out there who know how all this feels.

isthismummy, it's really great to hear your DE cycle is going so well. In answer to your qu, there were a couple of reasons why the doctor suggested we go on to egg donation:

• In our 3rd round of IVF the medication gave me a cyst with endometriosis and I had to have a 2nd operation to remove it. Apparently some people are more prone to this - it's from the oestrogen which is a key ingredient in all the medication - so it could well happen again.

• I'm a 'poor responder' - following years of having endo and fibroids and being totally unaware of it - we've tried 4 different approaches to IVF and get about the same result every time, either 1 egg or zero.

The really tantalising thing has been that our fertilisation rate has been good, so we've managed to get good or ok embryos from just 1 egg. But they haven't implanted and admittedly our chances are still really low, and we've just got to wonder how many times we can put ourselves through this.

TipsNotHacks, I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your friend. I know that feeling of making a real effort to send a nice text and I think it was really great that you were honest about your situation. Likewise I'm trying to find a way of being open with people about how shit things are... an early New Year's resolution maybe!

That’s good news mummy. I’m really pleased for you.

lesslea, I also am a poor responder. It’s such a lovely term to have applied to you isn’t it?? It’s so hard knowing when to stop with your own eggs as you always think what if the next round is “the one”? After all this if you don’t try, you’ll never know if the next round would have been the one. Personally, we ultimately had to accept that was incredibly unlikely and that continuing with my eggs was almost certainly futile.

Thinking of you tips. I also wanted to add that I don’t think anyone here should feel that they can’t post and talk about themselves. Infertility is bloody hard enough without worrying about trying to be supportive/helpful to other people. I don’t mean that we shouldn’t try to support others, just that sometimes it’s as much as you can do to just survive without worrying about trying to help others or feeling guilty about not having the emotional reserves to support others. No one should feel bad if they’re not feeling emotionally strong enough to help others. I’m sure that each of us would feel that we’d be able to support others when we are in a better place mentally, but sometimes we’re barely able to deal with our own emotions. I’ll never forget the kindness of some posters who’ve been supportive to me when I’ve felt at my worst although at the time I wasn’t in a position to be able to offer the same support to them.

I probably haven’t phrased that last bit very eloquently, but I hope you know what I mean. I’m certainly not trying to suggest that insensitive comments or ignoring bananfish’s rules is ok, just that sometimes you have to do what’s necessary to protect yourself and get through things.

Earlgrey I know exactly what you mean and you said it perfectly well.

Lesslea welcome to the board , this is the best safe group for multiple failures that you can find on the planet!

I hope you all have a fab day tomorrow if you are celebrating, it's a dry one for me as am fully medicated up ready for my 8th cycle in early Jan.

You've all been tremendous support this past year and all incredible women xx

Just wanted to say merry Christmas/bah humbug to the amazing, strong and supportive women on this thread.

I am truly grateful for all the support and solidarity you’ve all given me. I also really appreciate the fact that this is a safe space where I can have a really honest whinge about how I feel at some of my shittest times, without feeling judged, being given unhelpful platitudes or unrealistic positivity. It really has made me feel less alone at times.

You’re all incredible women and I can’t think of a lovelier bunch of people to have had as support and comrades although I really do wish none of us had the need to be here.

I hope you’re all spending today in the way you feel most appropriate and helpful to your own needs. Thinking of you all.

Oh mummy that’s fab - what’s the latest? Hope you’re doing ok

Thanks for the advice, I didn’t end up seeing her in the end actually. Just did the passive aggressive ‘not getting in touch’ thing. She can think what she likes.

EarlGrey I came into the thread to see if there were updates as I’d been thinking of you all. Really hope today has been manageable for you all. Couple of real shockers of pregnancy announcements (people together for 5 mins) but sure it’s the same for you all. Sending lots of love to everyone. I have read and re-read this thread a million times and it has helped me more than anything. A million thank you’s to you wonderful women - you truly are heroes in my eyes. Thank you for giving me such a cathartic outlet. ❤️

Just wanted to say merry Christmas to you all and many thanks for all your support and kindness.

Mummy that's wonderful news.

We have private appointment Friday and are starting with Newcastle although have another later in January. This is for donor on our current doctors advice but will see what they say when they get there. Just booked my first ever train and am feeling nervous but am doing this.

Hope Christmas has been OK for everyone, and you have managed to find some quiet time for you.

I am having a total Jammie day today. If I make 500 steps it will be a miracle. I've had a bath, read a book and am going to open wine very very soon. Interestingly the dogs don't mind and when I suggested a walk earlier they hid under the covers. Freezing and slippy here anyway.