Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

It's just one of those decisions you reach really easily EarlGreyTea like deciding what to have for dinner, or which Box set to binge watch next

The worst bit was I didn't even find it relaxing. It was bloody uncomfortable and made me so exhausted afterwards that the rest of the day was a write off!

Arrghhh. Trolls are back. Yesterday there was a glut of them. Today’s is a Diana.

“She’s” thesaurused (a new verb I’ve invented specifically for her) between a rock and a hard place and has come up with this: I think you have found yourself between a stone and hard surface. Twat.

A stone and a hard surface! It's almost poetry

How is everyone doing? Thread is quiet of late. I've just had my first ever baby bomb from a friend today. Instantly up duffed with first baby at 40! I'm really happy for her as she's an amazing person, but bloody hell. I was just feeling a bit better after a weekend of egg donation melt down and now I feel totally at the world again.

verbalinfusion.wordpress.com/2017/06/02/lifting-the-crushing-weight-of-infertility-with-a-little-help-from-sisyphus/

Brilliant article zippybear

Made me cry isthismummy

It's very spooky as a friend of mine was talking about Sisyphus yesterday in relation to infertility. Not that actual article, but it still really resonated with me.

The link to how to treat people living with infertility is brilliant as well. I feel like sending it to everyone who has ever told me to "think positive" and "just relax"

That is brilliant zippy. Sat here in tears. Thank you for sharing

That’s a great article zippy. It puts into words really well feelings which are difficult to verbalise coherently.

And on a lighter note has anyone seen ‘how to buy a baby’? Infertility/ivf comedy, it’s on YouTube

Hey how is everybody out there?
And seriously that series is very good, black comedy. Each episode only about eight minutes long

"My testicles don't produce viable sperm"

I'm crying here zippybear

So crushingly sad at the end though

Yes indeed isthismummy but I'm so barren and bitter I prefer a sad ending. How was your trip to Greece?

I think the sad ending was more realistic. I'd have felt cheated if it had ended with "woo hoo, we're pregnant"

Greece went really well thank you🙂 I just got a box stuffed with medication delivered this morning and hoping to hear some news of my donor later today. Exciting and terrifying times.

Had a mini meltdown this morning though. I got a fancy coat out of the wardrobe that DH hasn't worn in ages. I said he should wear it next time we go somewhere, and he replied "we never go anywhere anymore" As if I'm not already aware that we never do anything fun anymore We all know the first commandment of infertility is "thou shall be robbed of all the joys of life"

Glad that things are moving for your isthismummy, and can relate to all the joy being sucked out of life.

zippy> I watched the first one and found it funny but then I was 'oh it will only be a matter of time before it has a happy ending' so didn't watch any more. We must have a similar state of mind because now I know it's not a happy ending I'll happily watch the rest .

Tomorrow there will be a lady in work who has the same due date I should have had, had I not miscarried a few months ago. It's her last day (and she's not been working in the same office so haven't had to see her) and everyone will be all over her with excitement, etc. I will have my headphones on, trying to block it all out. I don't know her anyway so hopefully can just have tunnel vision. Not looking forward to tomorrow at all.

Yes tammy feel safe to watch, they have a particularly (realistically?) crap time. The thing I like about it is there are lots of moments, when people say awkward things to them and there's just a pause while they try to paint on a smile and cover the awkwardness. I so completely identify with this! Sorry to hear about your day tomorrow. On the plus side at least she will be gone after tomorrow. Please come here and rant if you need support during the day
mummy exciting/terrifying is right. As for never going anywhere I'd strongly recommend having a few date nights before you crack open that box of drugs!

Hello

Will give that a watch at weekend zippy. Thanks. Like others I would prefer a safe ending.

Dh said Jeremy vine did a thing maybe Friday last week where he was talking to a couple who never got their happy ending but are learning to accept that. Can't bring myself to listen to that either but was surprised he didn't turn it off.

Pleased things are moving for you isthis mummy. It's something I have slowly started to look at but early stages. As I've said before, apart from the support on here, I never even imagined looking and didn't think things like that would be possible for people like me.

Tammy I will send you thoughts tomorrow. It's my due date next week, had I not lost baby. Really weepy today. Got huge court case tomorrow and going to have to paint some face on in the morning that's for sure. I swear people think I'm a miserable cow, if only they could see inside as to why I'm looking furious. The problem I'm finding is one wee crack and I will break. So it will be war paint on, head down, try and hold it together.

Meanwhile tonight I'm praying for snow, or some minor issue to put case off. (It's ok, I know I won't get that lucky, never do)

Tammy and Fourpawswhite sending you and thoughts for the difficult days ahead. Hopefully everyone in your respective work places will be too wrapped up in themselves to notice. Having to paint on a smile when your heart is cracking is just utterly grim though

zippybear A date night? I vaguely remember them. They are what normal couples do aren't they?

Ugh, joking aside though, feeling even more shit now. I actually felt erm...frisky tonight for first time in ages and DH couldn't perform. The infertility gods really do like to heap on the fucking humiliation don't they? I might just take a vow of chastity and be done with it. I know it's not DH fault, but I now just feel like utter shite.

Fourpawswhite I don't think anyone ever imagines themselves needing an egg donor. However in my case it feels like a no brainer when compared to the prospect of never having children. It's definitely something that takes getting used to though, so take it all at your own pace. I suppose the only plus point is there's no clock ticking with DE, so you can slow down with things. That feels like a relief in itself. In my case ttc at 37 (now nearly 39) just felt like I had a massive voice in my head shouting "tick tock, get a move on your wizened old crone"

Fourpawswhite I don't think anyone ever imagines themselves needing an egg donor.
Wise words mummy. I completely agree with this. I will shamefully (and am rather embarrassed to) admit that I previously said this was something I couldn’t understand and wouldn’t do. I’ve seriously eaten those words since! I think like a lot of things to do with infertility, no one knows what they would/wouldn’t do until they’re actually faced with the situation.

Tammy and Fourpaws, also thinking of you for the difficult days ahead. Fourpaws, I’m praying for snow for you too. I don’t know where you are, but seem to remember you’re rural so I hope you’re snowed in tomorrow!

Tammy, I hope you manage to avoid colleague as far as is possible tomorrow. Sending you love and strength to get through the day.

Mummy sorry you’re having a shit time at the moment. I’m pleased to hear the Greece trip went well though. I’ve been thinking about you this week and wondered how it went, but didn’t want to intrude by asking you.

I posted a really long reply to you last night EarlGreyT Where it is this morning however is a mystery.

I think we've all said things we'd never do before infertility struck us. "I'd never use an ED" "I'd never adopt" "I'd never spend eye watering amounts on acupuncture/reflexology/supplements from America at £50 a pop" "I'd never spend my life savings in the vague hope of having a child" "I'd never consider stealing a pram at the bus stop" (that last one might be just mine)

Thank you for thinking of me New Life were so nice. Very professional, but warm and caring. You weren't wrong about Embryolab being a stones throw away! I really wanted to pop in for a nose about

thanks all,

not snowed in unfortunately, just enough to make the roads a total nightmare. joy.

I don't think I worded that very well re Egg donation. Please don't think I meant someone like me should not need that, total opposite. I meant I am from such a rural isolated place that without the support on here I would never have even imagined people like me were even allowed to access that.

Whilst i suppose i never did imagine I would need to look at it, I also never imagined I would be allowed to i suppose. mummy that's exactly right, a no brainer now I understand it all. Also totally agree with all the things we have previously said/thought.

Hope everyone has a much better day than I am going to although I can absolutely say the wine is in the fridge.

Sorry to hear the snow didn't trap you fourpaws I hope today hasn't gone too badly. Enjoy your wine later; you've definitely earned it.

No need to explain. I totally get what you meant regarding egg donation. I suppose we are lucky (in the grimmest sense) that such options are available to us in the year 2017. I can't imagine how women coped beforehand. I think I would actually lose my mind if I thought I was just barren and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Hi ladies x

Just want to say that I empathise and understand where you are all coming from. I found incredible support and a sense of community in a Facebook group called the dovecote community. Please check it out!
Also I bought an amazing book called Living the Life Unexpected, may not suit everyone but I found it a comfort.
I wish you all a happy ending however that may look for you. You are still a wonderful human being and have so much to offer despite not being able to have kids at the drop of a hat, don't lose yourselves xxx
Massive huge hugs to you all

Thank you mrspatel77 I've asked to join the dovecote community.

Morning all? How is everyone?
fourpaws I hope you survived yesterday and got stuck in the wine yesterday evening?

Got an email from New Life yesterday to say they've found us a suitable donor! Such a mix of emotions right now. Plus a friend messaged me last night saying she's just had a mmc. I'm really sad for her, but at the same time slightly envious. She got pregnant at the drop of a hat at 40. It took me over a year at two years younger. I had a miscarriage too obviously, but I'm pretty sure she'll conceive again really fast, whereas my chances aren't much more than zero. We have a mutual friend who is instaduffed at 40 and it inspired her to start trying.

That makes me a terrible person to even think that doesn't it? Infertility has made me evil. Not helped by the fact I have AF again this morning, only 19 days since last one. The joys of peri menopause. The sad thing is DH and I do still keep trying naturally, even though I'm clearly probably not even ovulating. I just feel like nature is totally mocking me

Ugh, sorry for the pity party everyone. Just feel like utter shite atm.