Hello barren army,
I searched the internet looking for relief from the stress of ivf and came across this thread. I read it from beginning to end today as it hit close to home on so many levels. If you would be so kind, I could use some nonjudgmental support my way.
First off, bananafish, fourwhitepaws, biggerboatneeded, tips, zippybear, and anyone else here, I’m sorry for the heartache each woman has gone through. Each situation is brutal and ivf is never as easy as the clinics make it sound.
My story is a little different as I am the DH. Also, it may seem I’m breaking banana’s #1 here rule, but hear me out, as I myself have no biological children (only have one step-daughter).
My wife had children in a previous marriage but had her fallopian tubes tied after the third. Well, her marriage didn’t work out and we met sometime later. I knew the whole situation before getting married but I naïvely thought we could reconnect her tubes or try ivf.
We tried to a tubal ligation first but that only resulted in an ectopic pregnancy and her tubes had to be permanently removed. We then tried two cycles of ivf a couple of years apart. Each resulted in failed attempts to retrieve any eggs. This last time she became pregnant with DEs but miscarried after eight weeks this past November.
During the first round, we naively thought it would work like automatic on the account she had children already. We even thought we would have twins so we started buying some baby items for two. We had the bed, a double stroller, some clothes etc that we just gave away after it failed.
The first two cycles were pretty heartbreaking and to cope, we adopting a dog each time. I don’t know what it is about dogs and failed ivfs but they sure do help. Shout out to all the therapy dogs!
Since my DW had cut her tubes voluntarily, all of this is self-funded. So financially we’re hurting. We have five remaining frosties (an endearing term I find comical) but I’m not sure if we can afford any more cycles. On top of that my wife and I are both around 40 (give or take a few years). All so frustrating.
Zippybear—I relate to your DH. We’ve been doing this for over ten years now and I’ve heard all types of comments. ‘Do you plan on having more kids?’ ‘Don’t worry, things will work out.’ ‘It’s just not the right time for you guys.’ Ugh. I know some are well intentioned but poorly timed. The worst happened to me just a few weeks ago. Two coworkers (not knowing anything about our struggles) had noticed I had been distressed all morning and were curious as to why I was leaving early. On the way out of the office one guy, innocently, asked me if my wife was pregnant… I left early to take my wife to the hospital to remove the miscarriage. That one hurt. It was a rough next few days after that.
Triggers come unexpectedly. After the first attempt I couldn’t handle being around other parents and kids for a while. I was jealous, angry, and depressed at all the same time (I didn’t even know this was possible). After this last time, I thought I was somewhat prepared for dealing with other peoples’ kids again but I wasn’t. This last weekend, I helped a friend hang sheet rock in his garage. He had four daughters under the age of nine playing outside. I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything for the next two days after that. Happy New Year? Ah, fuck it. Where’s the whisky?!
FB, baby bombs, family engagements, etc. are difficult to say the least. I have 5 older siblings with nearly 19 kids total. I cope the best I can.
Thanks for reading.