The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

I watched the life on the dole too. The woman who was smoking and was pregnant. Her poor baby was just left in the bouncer. But I suppose those kind of shows are there to wind you up.

Hang in there, icy. People are shits. Viewed a house yest where the owners had an 8 day old baby & a toddler the same age as my dd would have been. I nearly threw up. And not just because of the terrible decor. The sadness is so hard. Almost worse than the anxiety because it floors you when it happens.

Weekend now at any rate.

Good luck Vixx - haven't been following properly but hope you are ok & glad there's a hb there.

Hello long time lurker here, hoping I can join you all, your chat has helped me through so much already!
Short story with me - multiple problems, having natural cycle IVF abroad. first cycle ended in chemical pregnancy, in middle of second cycle now.
icy I have totally felt the sadness too. I think you get so used to carrying it about you forget it's there and every so often it surprises you. Just after I got my bfp (shortly before it all went wrong!) I had a moment in my kitchen when I thought 'this is it! We are no longer infertile!' And I felt this immense weight lift off my shoulders. The clouds parted, the sun shone, and suddenly I felt like my old upbeat self again. I wasn't even really excited about the pregnancy, it was just huge relief that all this shit was over. anyway it wasn't long before the thunder clouds rolled in again but it's good to know the old me is waiting to emerge at some point one way or the other. Hang in there.
bip we also had infection testing, agree with banana over the chlamydia side (we didn't test positive to the Sti type but to one of the others, really not sure of the significance) but think ureaplasma is worth noting. After the abs I stopped needing to go to the loo during the night (some sort of chronic cystitis type problem?!!) and our SA improved dramatically. I don't want to give you false hope but it's worth a go.
Waves at bananafish I may have stalked/messaged you a while back on another forum.
That's enough for a first post, glittery dog shit to everyone!

Hello all, old and new.

Spoke to hospital and they wanted me to go straight in. Straight in for me means a two and a bit hour drive so got there just before lunch. Another flipping internal scan and catheter and various blood tests. Internal so meh when you are bleeding like that.

End result is they don't know. Could be stress, could be life. Anyway apparently injections can start at day 21 or at start of cycle so they are waiting on bloods to confirm if it is another period, and will call me tomorrow to tell me what to do. I mean only shitty Barron me could have two fucking periods within 15 days for no reason.

Thanks for the guidance and support as always. Even DH first response to anything now is have you asked on mumsnet.

Dogs been lonely today so plenty glittery dog shit available for all.

Oh icy, that's really shite - people are just so f*cking ignorant aren't they? Can you have a massive wine tonight?

Zippybear (welcome btw!) your description of your chemical has really hit home. I said to DH after ours that I didn't realise how miserable I really was and how much grief I'd been carrying around with me until we managed to get pregnant. Then 5 days later it all went to shit and everything came crashing down again, but twice as hard as before. I can't remember what it was like not to be miserable and desperate for a baby. How is your second cycle going? Good luck with it all

Bip, I'm so sorry, that must have been incredibly hard - have you seen any other good houses?

bip I can't believe your news. Your roller coaster is truly the Smiler of the thread.

Sorry to bypass you fourpaws, thisis, zippy, zenzie, icy, and everyone I'm too drunk to acknowledge. Still wishing you all the best.

Vixx thinking of you, it's tough times i know. Fingers crossed.

Pebbles I'm glad I didn't even hear of that programme. Means our telly is still in tact.

Today I cried a lot. My mentee at work is pregnant after three rounds of ivf. She's lovely and I am so happy for her . But mentoring her as she grows is killing me. I'm so sad. Her due date is five days after mine would have been. I'm desperate. Tonight I got drunk. At home. On my own. And cried. It's a vodka and snot fest.

I just don't know what is wrong with me.

What is wrong with me?

Oh potatoes there are no words.

Potatoes, nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. You're human and life has thrown some non glittery shit at you. Work must be so hard for you. Is there no anyone else who could take over mentoring her? You need to protect yourself.
Where is your DH tonight? Xx

Agree with everyone else potatoes- nothing is wrong with you!! You've been through an unbelievable amount and are so strong. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and try not to let the negative feelings suck you under. Glitter shit your way.

Icy I know exactly what you mean, I felt the same this week. It will get better though. Hang in there.

Zippy and angelica I so know what you mean. On my birthday, which was a week after I found out I was pregnant, DH commented on how much happier I was. That made me sad as it made me realise how unhappy I'd been for so long and that he noticed. It was the best birthday I've had for years. I was so happy for 7 weeks until I had my miscarriage. Now I'm back where I started or worse. However zippy I like your way of thinking, that we can get back there again. I hadn't thought of it like that.

Vixx thinking of you, hope all is OK.

Bip my word!!! Nothing useful to say!

Hang in there fiends.

Potatoes, I also agree with everyone else, there is nothing at all wrong with you, I am here, we are here, shout away. I have frequent moments like you. Last weekend refused to go out to some family thing and stayed in by myself and drank far to much wine. No reason. Then sat and cried in the dark. DH came home eventually and was like WTF? Rant away.

Thanks lovelies. This thread is a lifeline for me.

Tomorrow is not going to be pretty.

Alcohol still counts as low carb, high protein diet though, right??

Screw the diet (for a bit) and look after yourself, potatoes. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just a person dealt a shit hand and managing it as best you can. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Finally cycle day 1, i.e. my bloody period finally arrived. I haven't had a 27 days cycle in eighteen months. Anyway, I can start injections tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Wonderful fiends, it really hits home when you realise other people feel just as shit and unbelievably sad about all of this.
icy that comment must have felt like a slap on the face. It's brought the sadness up from a place you have been managing to store it. I do hope it won't spoil your weekend and you have some nice plans.
potatoes like others have said, nothing at all wrong with you! You're reaction is completely normal. You're not alone when it comes to this struggle. We are all in the same shit boat, paddling up shit creek and hoping for this pain and sadness to fucking go away. You deserve to wake up hangover free today! When I used to drunk cry I'd wake up not being able to see or breath because my eyes were so puffy and my nose full of snot, sexy I know!
vix glad the scan has confirmed the hb. Take it easy and hope you have no more scares.
bip WTF! Didn't even know those tests existed! The abx sound like they will help.....best of luck, whatever you and DH decide to do next.
zippy welcome and good luck with your current cycle. Hope we can support you along the way.
kiwi I cannot imagine how sad it must have been to have that happiness taken away from you. You will surely get back to that place eventually.
zenzie yay for starting! Not that far behind me after all!

Love and shite to all of you

Sorry - I think my introductory post came off really whiny...not intentional.

I'm sorry everyone is having such a hard time...it is truly shit and never fair. Never, never, never. And it's always in your face. I recently confessed to my close cousin about our infertility and mc, a week later he was live txting his fiance's birth to me...sigh :(

Pebbles - I hear you with the drunk crying and swollen shut eyes....yep.

Good luck to the current women cycling. Impatiently hoping to be joining you soon.

May I join you lovely ladies?
In short, TTC 4 years, surrounded by fucking fertiles as in sisters, workmates and the frickin cleaner at work, smug fucks the lot of them.
So finally taken the plunge and sold my granny to pay for IVF, currently day 2 of jabs so here goes...
Glittery shit to you all...finally a tribe that understands this utter shite Xx

Hi Wizziwoo, welcome to the club that noone wants to be part of! :)

Had a spectacular 'Why me!?!?' moment today - me and DH were out shopping and just before we came home popped into one shop to be confronted with a family with one child in stroller (probably about 2.5) another in pram (about 1.5) and the mother with huge belly (probably about 7-8 months gone). Why the fuck do they get to have three kids (in less time then we've been TRYING) and we get none? Why can't I have just one. So pissed off with this. It's like the time I was on sick leave after my miscarriage and walked past a whole fucking Von Trapp family.

Sorry, just needed to vent. In short: why is life so fucking unfair?

Hi wizzy, welcome! Good luck with your cycle!

I hear you Tammy. I get a bit of a gulp moment when I realise my boss is having her second baby soon (her wife is having it, so they're a bit closer together than if she'd had both, but still) and I was trying when she got pregnant with her first (now 18 months old). And I'm still trying. She asked me to cover for her while she's on leave, and I was like, great. I tried to explain how this makes me feel to DH and he doesn't get it at all.

Yep plenty of those moments... commuting home from work last week and had the pleasure of sitting opposite a visibly hammered "mother" who ranted about a baby crying on the train saying she had to face four of her 'little shits' ....as she called them.....when she got home and proceeded to slur to anyone who would listen how kids fuck up your life and you can't enjoy yourself anymore. Poor kids having to face her when she got home. And it was 5pm on a Tuesday. What kind of world order gives her 4 babies ....even ones of questionable paternity? 😁

Good morning everyone. I hope you are all ok today.

I am sitting in my pyjamas about to do the first injection. How mad is this? Totally surreal.

Anyway, day one stabbing about to commence. Feel a little shaky so just having a moment.

I'm sure it will get easier but I can't believe I have a needle disposal bin in the room I thought would be for children.

fourpaws good luck with the jabs ...you can sort your nursery colour scheme whilst stabbing 😉
I'm day 3 so you have company this cycle. I treat myself to a massive cappacino and Wispa bites after the jabs even if it's 9am. Fuck it it's tough enough this shit.
Any other Sunday stabbers joining?

Thanks wizziwoo. Mmmmmm wispa bites, I love those. Be good to have some buddies. I am a novice first timer so everything is scary. Stabbing was fine eventually. DH helped as its all abit awkward and I was nervous. First time he tried to fire it in as he thought he would do it quickly that all backfired and the liquid went everywhere. He now says he understands I am not a sheep and would not have ran away and I did the second attempt slowly and it was fine. I have a lovely bruise emerging from his sheep attack but we won't speak about that.

I'm off to pack up my horse who is heading away on loan whilst I deal with this journey. To many things going on and he needs some tlc.

Hey fourpaws - I just did my first injection too. Not ideal, as I had something else to rush through in the lead up (which, of course, wouldn't fucking work), so I felt like I didn't have adequate enough psyching-myself-up time. And then my husband made a hugely unhelpful comment which made me burst into tears. So, so far, so shit. And god, the stuff smells so much of hospitals. I didn't expect to be thrown so much by the smell of it all. Had enough of hospitals, me.

And welcome wizzi, I'm just behind you. Super fun stuff, huh?

Hi zenzie, hope you are ok. Poor you. Sorry your DH made you cry. Shit this isn't it. I didn't really think about it but you are right, the smell was like hospitals. I feel weird, like this is all some sort of horrid dream.

zenzie congrats on the first stab, at least it's over with. Never know which is better to psych up or just fucking do it. Unhelpful comments at the wrong time is what men excel at sadly....hope you are ok. And so agree with the hospital smell thing..what is that about?

fourpaws well done on getting the first one fired in despite the sheep antics! my first IVF too though I have done a failed IUI previously so I know I can survive the stabbing bit. Terrified of the egg collection bit though and think I will end up in a coma for life when they knock me out and my poor OH will be left holding jizz in a cup, quite literally!
Hope everyone else is doing ok...the sun helps though I could easily hammer a big fat bottle of Prosecco this afternoon in the garden. Oh well, eye on the bigger prize and all that shit