The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

Why why why did I just input all my details into ivfpredict.com? I am a certifiable idiot. I don't need numbers, I just need my damn period to start so I can get cracking.

Hello fiends

I'm on the train home with dh after a weekend away with my parents and brother which was pretty fun. My family are pretty cool and there is no baby pressure, my mum especially is lovely about it all. Contrast DH's mum who makes crass and inappropriate comments the whole time to the extent I now avoid her as much as possible.

Anyway, plenty of chocolate, cake and booze was had. And sex without thinking about pregnancy and babies. Who knew that was possible?

It seems the last few days have contained a fair few negative tests. I'm so sorry hear that bean, karla, pepper - I hope I haven't missed anyone. Sorry to hear that.

How did lunch go zenzie?

Hi fiends,

My journey into motherhood lasted ooh about 20 days this time..

Not sure how I went from having hcg of 1767 to spotting and bleeding. Not sure I can try again.

Oh vix, I am sorry to hear that. It seems a bit of a shitty week for us fiends.

I turned up for my scan this morning to be told I have 1 at 17 on the left and 1 at 15 on the right ( and my cyst hasn't grown). They then asked if I had my trigger injection with me...ffs why didn't they warn me to bring it? I thought I had another couple of days yet but we've had to dash home so I could be stabbed with Gonasi for IUI tomorrow afternoon...

All getting ultra real now (as is trying to re-arrange our work diaries subtly for tomorrow so we can get in)...

Oh bollocks vixx. It has indeed been a rubbish week for the fiends. Dollops of glittery shit required all round.

So sorry to hear that vix and Karla. It's really been lolz a plenty this week, eh? Shitty hugs to you.

Last night I drunk lots and lots of wine. It was great. Might have another glass now. This weekend can fuck off.

And so the excluding from group gossip begins. Our friends text us today to say they were pg (I'd guessed already), and I just text a mutual friend to say my guess was correct and she said 'yeah I heard but didn't like to say' turns out she found out two weeks ago. I hate this. I'm now sobbing in to my bath. The baby bomb didn't get me, just this feeling of exclusion from life.
Sorry everyone , I know this is petty compared to what some of you are going through. I just needed to get it off my chest. Xx

So sorry Vix and Karla.

I had a moment this weekend when I thought I may have ironidiffed (lots of test this week prior to our initial consult in a few weeks) - 4 days late with lots of weird cramps. I was cautiously optimistic as I've not been this late for years and it was our wedding anniversary and also exactly 2 and a half years since we found out my first and only pregnancy was a blighted ovum. I was holding out testing until the last possible moment (tomorrow) but, of course, AF got me today, and badly. Maybe it was a chemical or implantation failure, or just my stupid useless body fucking with me. Feel shitty anyway. The only slight bit of hope in 2 and a half years... dashed. Don't know how I'm going to cope if we actually get as far as IVF.

Spend this evening filling in the forms for the clinic, so depressing to see it all in black and white. 4 years trying, nothing to show for it, and now I'm over 40 the IVF is so unlikely to work we may as well just burn the money.

So sorry vixx, karla, bean and pepper. Hope you're all being looked after. Well done on the wine pepper! for you all.

Sorry Sammy, I get how shit that is- you're perfectly entitled to feel like that.

Tammy that sucks- I know what you mean as I am also not usually late and try not to hold out hope if I am but usually fail. Must be hard filling in the forms too. I don't have much useful to say sorry but hang in there.

Good luck peaop - I'm also supposed to be doing IUI next round so I'll probably need some advice!

Icy I lold at your childcare chocolate cunty iPhone fail. I do find your use of the c word usually cheers me up.

Potatoes glad you had a good weekend. DH and I also went away and it was barren-tastic with lovely dinners, wine, and a whole afternoon napping. I also had a bit of a meltdown and we talked about things properly which was pretty depressing. One step forward and two back, is what it feels like sometimes.

Glitter shit for you all, what a week. Hang in there everyone.

Just a quick thank you to you lovely folk for your advice. I've decided to let DH process things in his own way, which has mainly involved a lot of sleeping, tantrums and punching stuff. We have male issues but also dud eggs so we both feel like we're to blame and I think when things have gone wrong we've tried to blame ourselves. I've had a few days of wallowing and pitying myself but i'm all cried out. Downloaded "it starts with the egg" and trying to see if I can come up with a plan for our review meeting with our consultant in a couple of weeks.

vixx and Karla, I'm so sorry

Sammy- I so know the feeling and nothing amplifies the pain and shittiness when you know you're being excluded. People might do it thinking they're being sensitive but it only makes you feel like more of an outsider. Sending lots of glittery poop your way and to all the others on this thread.

Will be ever get a break fiends?
vixx sorry the spotting has started. Have you contact the clinic?
bean, vix and karla hope you guys are feeling ok
pink I hope you and DH can find a nice distraction before your next appointment. This shit really does test and push you to your limits!
sammy hoping your friends kept you out the loop to not hurt your feelings. Either way, it's still shit when this thing effects every aspect of your life! It's only here were you will find other fiends who totally get how you're feeling.
kiwi how you feeling now? Hope your wee meltdown did t take the shine off your night out.
icy you cannot go too far! We need your reminders of how the world is full of cunts and other such total twats. Plus I know you would miss us dearly and I like to read what you've been eating.
banana how's it going?
nurse glad I was up to date with you. Hope you're feeling back to normal after night shifts and everything else life throws at us.
tammy sorry that's happened to you. The forms are a major shock to the system. Once they're are complete and you've gone through everything you will feel better. It's a weight off your shoulders once you actually hand them over.
peop that must have been a mad dash! Good luck to you.

Well zenzie I am sorry I thought we could possibly start together but I am already under way! Had my baseline scan at the weekend and was shocked when the nurse said everything was fine and to start straight away. 2 days in and it's all fine, got my next scan end of the week. Cannot believe I am now on the roller coaster!
Dog shit to all of you. I get the feeling no one wants to be going back to fucking work tomorrow!!
And sorry if I've missed anyone out, I forced myself the whole weekend off line, no googling or MN. We're a chatty, busy lot!

Oh what a nasty few days it has been for everyone.

pasta sounds like a good break. I can't imagine sex without ttc. It must be lovely. I must try it again someday.
vixx, Karla, bean, tammy what awful news. Do be kind to yourselves and switch off your brain for a while, if you can.
sammy that is super sucky. Can you be open with your friend about how barren+excluded feels even worse than just barren? I hope some of the sadness passes for you.

pebbles ah, you started without me! how's the stabbing going? how are you feeling?

Hi, I wondered if I could join you? I am a lurker but was reading through the thread and can empathise with all of you. We have been ttc for over six years and had six IVF cyles. the latest ended in a chemical pregnancy a few weeks ago and I had a loss at 13 weeks a few years ago. I nearly had a breakdown after that but thought I was coping Ok just now but am not so sure now. I've noticed my DH seems a bit distant from me after failed cycles, I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, and there will often be a big row about something unrelated. I feel like a failure at times, I only stick in my job as it has good maternity benefits, I should have left years ago and just feel flat all the time really. I just feel that I can't wait any longer to have a child, it's so difficult and as you all know it's hard to find people who understand isn't it? Sending you all good wishes.

So it is done. Quite a surreal process although the nurse was very lovely.

Now beginning the 2WW. We have decided not to test until I get back from my parents (slightly longer) although we'll see how long that resolve lasts! Very odd feeling although the thought of my poor DHs face when he was asked my date of birth as part of his ID process earlier cheered me up....

Welcome wild you are very welcome here.
Sorry to read what you have been through over the years. It's hard to speak to the DH about how you really feel and RL people don't have a clue. Hope we can offer you some support/advice a long the way. Do you plan to try again once you feel ready?

peaop we will all remind you that you've vowed not to test!! GL and keep busy till OTD.

zenzie apologies! Would have been nice to start together. Still early days for me, so no side effects yet. Find it tricky to jab the meds all the way in as the syringe seems to resist.
Can any of you ladies remember when the symptoms started?

Shit to all of you!

Peaop - congrats on being PUPO!

Welcome wildflower , but sorry you find yourself here. You've certainly been through the mill, what's your next plan? And how old are you if you don't mind me asking?

Zenzie - I text her back saying 'please don't feel you have to keep pregnancy news from us. In fact a text from you would be far gentler than finding out through fbook or in person' we said no more about it but continued texting about other stuff so we're OK.

Pebbles - she def had good intentions, so I'm glad I set her straight as above. That was a sudden start for you, good luck!! How are you feeling with it all?

Pink heels and kiwi - thank you to you too, it helps knowing you guys understand. Xx

Hi wildflower well that all sounds unremittingly shit. It's so hard trying to make life decisions (about jobs, travel etc) on the basis of 'will I be pregnant? what's the maternity leave policy like?' and then never bloody having need of those provisions in the first place. Welcome and I hope you're doing okay.

Can't stay away. I'm sitting exhausted at desk, feeling so so shattered. God knows why. Speed.... Is that still a thing?!

icy a pack of skittles and some lemonade used to perk me right up but then they took all the E numbers out....boo hiss!

sammylou I sympathise with you being blocked out of pregnancy news. I went to see my Grandma last week and - after much drama and hand wringing - she revealed that my cousin's GF is expecting their 3rd baby and the whole family has been 'walking on egg shells' not wanting to tell me in case I got update (I couldn't give a toss, fwiw - I hardly ever see them except at family get-togethers).

I asked how far along she is and got the sheepish admission that she's due next month . What were they going to do when the baby arrived, hide it in the fucking cupboard?!

If it makes anyone feel any better I have spent my free afternoon making chocolate mousse for the pair of us to realise (as I was stirring in the egg yolk) that I really shouldn't eat it "just in case " - arggghhhh!

What ho, fiends. Lashings of glittery shit to you all. What a horrible week it's been for everyone. So sorry to hear all the bad news, and sorry I can but say sorry- it sounds trite but there's not much else to say, is there? Feel for you all.

Plus not to mention even more happy baby bombs- God sammy between your friends and mine there can't be a single non-instadiffing female left between the ages of 20-50 in all the UK.

Hope you're doing ok after the bfns karla, pepper, bean, and you have plenty of support and wine. Also fx for you* on Friday, lovely Vixx.*
Sorry to hear your story, wildflower. You sound very strong to have got through so much - and we're here for support and/or ranting at any time you need it. Icy also has good pictures- liked the whippet puppy a lot!
*
Pink I don't know if you remember but we were on an IVF thread together in Jan with the fab banana-* sad to see you here too. Thinking of you and DH. It's so hard.

Go go go zenzie and pebbles- FINALLY pebbles! Good that the stabbing is going ok so far.

Peop I'm joining you on the 2ww bench. Had my frostie popped back in today. What shall we do? other than quietly freak out Gutted about the choc mousse- pineapple and pomegranate juice instead?!

sorry if I've forgotten anyone- on phone and any minute I'm going to press the wrong button and lose all of the post...

Hi ladies, I'm another lurker like Wildflower and was also wondering if I could join you? I posted on the beginning ICSI in May convo but think I killed the thread

Our story is very short compared to some of yours: we started ttc about 20 months ago, a year later nothing had happened so we had some tests and were diagnosed with male factor issues. We're right at the beginning of our first go at ICSI, and start the first injections to down reg next week. Trying to be positive about it all, but like lots of us I think just feel stuck in some weird lonely limbo land. And at the mo very apprehensive at all the unknown aged of us.

It's so good to be able to share this with other people going through similar things. I am truly in awe at what a strong group of women you are.

Ahead not aged oops!

Hi fiends, old and new (and lurkybarrens)

Welcome to the newbies, sorry you find yourselves here, but there’s lashings of glitter shit all round

Pink echoing Grumpel, I’m sorry we are all here on this thread together again, thinking of you and DH. Hope you guys can be kind to yourselves

Grumpel hurrah for frostigrump! Hope the next 9 days flies by

Peop congrats on being inseminated sounds very wrong, but, er, well, congrats nonetheless. The being asked your partner’s DOB is like when you give notice of intent to marry and get the Mr and Mrs questions and all of a sudden get hot and clammy and convinced they’re going to think you’re planning a sham marriage.

Vixx everything crossed for the spotting. Hope babyVixx is just getting themselves settled in and doing a bit of renovations down there - I’ve had friends with massive red bleeds, enormous clots, and miraculously everything was fine. Thinking of you lovely xxx

pebbles and she’s off!! do you feel like a total badass now you’re a stabbing pro? when’s first scan?

On phone so can’t scroll back but

So, after two nerve wracking days of waiting for calls, the final tally is in for our embryos

We have a grand total of 12 blasts for PGS testing!

From this fresh cycle, we ended up with 9 good blasts that were suitable for biopsy and freezing.

Of our 4 frosties, 3 of them were able to be biopsied. (the fourth did thaw, but didn’t successfully re-expand and progress to hatching blast stage, and therefore wasn’t suitable for biopsy. The lab reckon it’s likely that embryo was a dud and just weeded itself out)

We’re thrilled with these numbers - now we just have to hope that in two weeks time (yes, another 2ww!) that there are some decent ones in there - and most of all, that there’s one that will be able to go the distance and become a person 9 months later. The FET is what terrifies me, as if we put a PGS tested embryo back and the cycle fails or I miscarry again, it’s all down to my body’s inability to sustain a pregnancy. Even if we get a good seed, if we can’t get the soil right, it’s all for naught. So just really really have to hope my body won’t let another healthy baby down…