The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

That's fab news on your lining, Banana - good luck!!!

Also I felt you ladies would appreciate this. DH got me these for EC and ET - it's important to convey a sense of maturity to demonstrate what a responsible parent I'd make.

I feel knee high rainbow unicorn socks, for when I'm legs akimbo in stirrups, fulfil this job perfectly, no?

Socks and oranges, it's like Christmas!

I'm having a wobble. Was going to start eating meat and fish again after 25 years of vegetarianism in a last ditch attempt to get fertile. Can't face it.

And am starting to hate my clinic. Rude and arrogant. I phoned to book day 3 blood tests as agreed with them last week and they booked me in for an ivf cycle. Then blamed me for them not passing the message on properly. If they can't pass that info on, wtf else are they up to? The only two other people I know who've used this clinic were also less than impressed with their service. One pregnant, one not.

Fucking hell I wish I knew what the outcome would be. If I knew it was four cycles then I get a baby, I'd suck it up and do it. It's the total uncertainty that pissess me off.

Sorry for the rant!

potatoes you hit the nail on the head. If only we knew where to stop. I often think what if the 2,3,4 tries doesn't work, how many more tries before we call it a day because it could just be that one last go that works and we would never know.
For us it's all down to what we can afford to spend and that's really sad.

Arggh - I hate rudeness and inability to pass on messages. Hope it gets sorted.

We have been given go ahead to start stims tomorrow after signing even more forms and going through the dangers of egg collection (perforated internal organs anyone?)

Bloody cyst still on left ovary but they finally decided it was OK as it has been there all along and hasn't grown. At least the right side seems to be behaving.

Welcome closephine.

banana awesome lining work
sara sending piles of glittery shit for your embie to bed down in. Take care of yourself over the next week.
bean are you starting stims today or tomorrow?

Now going to check through the rest of the thread for those I have missed - glittery shit to you all.

Banana fish - great news and roll on sat. You have certainly done enough prep... Hooray for your improved lining. Fingers crossed for your ec.
Potatoes- have you been advised to eat meat? I always thought you could get all the protein you need from beans. That's what my mother used to say but then she is bonkers.
Peaop- glad things are moving forward, fingers crossed.
I am feeling a bit premenstrual; heavy boobs, headachy, crampy 😬

Just de lurking to say sara - I see why you're disappointed but the strongest one has made it this far and it's quality that counts. I got 1 embryo in my Ivf cycle in 2014. Thought no chance of even making it to transfer. He's now almost 20 months old..... my clinic gave me the "only takes one" story and I thought they were just humouring me.....

Sara good luck on the TWW. I always think premenstrual and pregnant sound like they have very similar symptoms...

Potatoes I think I said it on the other thread but six months of un-vegetarian-ing has done fuck all for my fertility and has made me feel like a fraud. This is all hard enough without forcing yourself to eat meat. And if it makes you feel better, all UK fertility clinics seem to be equally inefficient. Mine certainly is!

Banana "This time last WEEK we were millionaires!" Lots of luck for Saturday.

LH are the stims working as fast as last time?

PeaOp good luck with stims. What number round is this for you?

Wave to everyone else.

Also, does anyone else feel like a fraud? I sort of feel I've lost myself. I feel like a fraud at work because my mind keeps wandering. A fraud in my marriage because DH is ok if it remains just us, whereas I feel like I'm saying he's not enough. A fraud in my body, which I barely recognise anymore and which keeps not fucking working as it should. A fraud with my friends because I want to steal their babies (don't worry, I won't!) And sometimes I feel like a fraud in fertility treatment - maybe this isn't happening because I don't want it enough? Sorry for all the cod philosophy.

Banana - 2 weeks for results. Loving the socks.

Pea - dr tomorrow. For a million years (3.5 weeks). Long protocol again but with icsi this time.

Hello all!

Banana, I have posted my way OTT optimism and excitement to you over on the Lining thread. You have SUCH an exciting week coming up.

Sara, thinking of you and that very special embryo.

PeaOp hello! Tomorrow will be my Day 4 of stims so would love to have you join me!

Potatoes, a miscommunication like that on the subject of my fertility treatment would send me into the stratosphere - much sympathy. Although the silent awkwardness of the Lister waiting room needs some poor woman to rant and rave loudly and publicly to shake everyone up and stop them all pretending that they cannot see anyone else.

ChattyCat, every post I ever read from you puts me in a good mood - I'm not sure why and I don't even know your full story - but I always feel very aligned to you! I mean that in a non weird, stalker way. You just speak my language.

My first scan and bloods are tomorrow morning (Day 4 of stims) so we will soon know if things are speeding along like last time. Then again in Monday.

Having felt NO effects whatsoever until this evening, for the last three hours have experienced that dull (but strong) ache in my ovary 'area'. Especially in my left side where it especially hurts to lift my left.

I would so love some reassuring news tomorrow.

Jesus robber, reading that was like someone walked over my grave. That's me. So much. That's me.

I am reading all your posts, but as you all know, rubbish at full thread name checks. Just don't want to keep dumping on you all, so staying quiet for now.

I am thinking of you all just now. Sarah, fingers crossed.

LH- thanks. I'll take it as a compliment! I assume you're doing ivf - is it because of low ovarian reserve? (I have low ovarian reserve. I thought I'd seen that you do on another thread. Apologies if not....).

I'm a lurker these days and just chip in if I think I can add anything hopeful! This site was really helpful to me during treatment.

Good luck to everyone.

Yes ChattyCat - I have one naturally conceived toddler son (just turned two) - had him at 38, another natural pregnancy at 39 (miscarried at 7 weeks - and was ok about that - was def not ready at that stage). And here I am at nearly 41 desperate for another, not a whiff of a pregnancy since the above - and tests in March showed an AMH of 2.9.

Today is my Day 4 of stims on a short antagonist cycle at the Lister. First scan today (early as when we did a freeze all 'test cycle' back in March I responded very very fast. Got 6 eggs then but only one fertilised to freeze, so doing ICSI this time).

Nice to meet you!

Thanks for the welcome everyone. Rubbish being here but at least I'm in great company

Sara - I think everyone has said it all really, but that one embryo is clearly a fighter. Good luck! how many dpt are you now?

Banana - love the epic unicorn socks! Clearly they will be what gets you pregnant and not all your thorough and painstaking research to get yourself on the best protocol possible. All the best for the week ahead! It's not the same thing, but on another thread I saw your comments about your sock dilemmas and whether you should wear the same pair as before etc etc. I have a pair of pants in my knicker drawer that I was wearing when I started spotting in my pregnancy and thought I was going to lose my son (long story but I didn't thank god and I can assure you the pants are completely clean!) but to get to the point... I am now petrified of the pants. I can't wear them for fear that something terrible will happen to my son. I can't throw them away for fear that something terrible will happen to my son. I now just have this pair of flowery shorts destined to remain in there forever and that I pull out occasionally, get the chills and shove them back in again. And now I've just outed myself as a crazy woman for no real point other than it vaguely reminded me of your sock story :)

Robber - I used to get the fraud feeling. When we first started trying I wasn't really ready - I kept thinking I wasn't falling pregnant because I didn't want it enough yet. 3 years on and I definitely want it now. Couldn't want it more! So at least I can assure you that feeling that way won't be contributing to your infertility somehow!

Potatoes - are you committed to your clinic or could you change if you're not happy? I live in a small place and have to suck it up with the hospital here - they are pretty rubbish with zero experience/interest in the male side of things. I've lost count of the times they've fucked up and made me feel like it was my fault somehow so I can sympathise. in regard to de-vegetarianing - don't push yourself to doing something that is going to upset you for a 'what if' - are there supplements you could take instead that would give you the same nutrients you are losing by not eating meat?

I have had a mammoth 3 weeks of constant spotting followed by AF. Hoping I can blame it on my body being out of whack due to IUI injections and progesterone pessaries in my previous cycle. Hoping the spotting goes away after AF and stays away. I am also stressing that my DH's jizz sample has either been lost in the post or destroyed on the discovery by the postal service that it was in fact not 'eye shadow' as stated. Sorry some background on that story would be helpful...! It was on its way to Athens for hidden infection testing but doesn't seem to have made it (posted 9 days ago). Unfortunately DH can't just send another as he has already started the antibiotics he would take IF it tested positive for infection (he's convinced himself it will and that he needs them due to recurring epididymitis so is taking them regardless).

OH WELL. Seems a good time to send my first glittery shit to all!!

Closephine I love your knicker story - that has my style written all over it too!

Am a bit behind on the thread. Sometimes I just can't muster the energy to get my thoughts down on paper. That's another thing I blame on being barren - I have become lacklustre . Glad that you've got a good embryo on board sara. It does feel disappointing when there are fewer than expected - both times I have had loads of folicles and then not as many eggs as expected, then quite a dramatic drop away to blastocyst. Having something to transfer is the important thing though and fingers crossed this one is a fighter. Hope you're doing ok. The symptom spotting is the pits as the progesterone fucks with your head. When will you test?

I'm sorry your last cycle didn't work wildflower. It sounds like you gave it a really good shot. You're not whinging at all, you need some time and space to grieve so that you can move on.

Ah robber I get the fraud thing too. I am so shit at my job these days as I just can't give a fuck.

That sounds fucking annoying potatoes and not unlike my clinic. I had a minor meltdown after turning up for an appointment and being berated by the asshole doc for coming at the wrong time. I told them my dates and they bloody well booked it - wankers. I totally get you on the unknown. I often say to DH that I wouldn't mind if it takes 5 ivf cycles, £20k and 5 years of my life, if I could just know that in the end it would happen. That's also why when people dismiss all the fear and hope of being barren with some trite 'it'll happen' type phrase, it makes me furious. Actually the very worst bit of all of this isn't the drugs, procedures, time etc, it's that looming fear that may never happen.

Peaop glad you're getting started. Hope the stimming goes well.

Waves to four, hope you're ok?

I am keeping everything crossed for you banana, if sheer determination and socks got anyone pregnant it will be you!

Life is too short for scary pants closephine! Chuck 'em I say. I wonder where the jizz has turned up. Someone hoping for eye shadow would have had a bit of a shock!

So finally finding the time to write a mammoth post as we are in the car on the way to a festival. Weather looks shit and I am not drinking but it should be fun anyway! 4 days of northisterone and I am bloated and grouchy, but not too bad. Injections start next week and scratch on Thursday. In a slightly negative move, I have booked an open day at local branch of a private clinic so that we can get ready to go asap if this FET doesn't work.

Sorry if I have missed people, hope you're all ok, weekend is nearly here!

Hello all - good scan at Lister this morning.

Just like last time I have responded very fast (in my limited sort of way). Six follicles (3 on each side) are at between 10mm and 14mm (after just three injections) and lining is at 6.8mm. Almost identical to last time which resulted in 6 mature eggs.

Absolutely no other follicles have developed, so if blood results are in line then no point in trying to slow this down. Back on Monday but EC most likely on Wednesday or Thursday next week.

Nurses continue to be pleased - at my age and low AMH this is an optimistic picture so at least my weekend isn't ruined.

My left ovary is in agony - literally hurts to lift my left leg.

Banana, are you getting excited?!!!

And again I got the 'you MUST start your Cetrotide tonight!!!'. Me and my emergency ovaries.

Starting dr tonight. In a vile mood already so that'll be fun....

Loooooooong term lurker. Loooooooooooooong boring story of secondary infertility. Is it sad that i was contemplating my next round of IVF today and thought (yippee) i will get a day in bed if there are any follicles to retrieve after the op?! Got to be some perks right?! Sorry for everyone's continual struggles. My very dry and sarcastic humour isn't appreciated at our clinic!!!

Hi fraggle I think a day in bed sounds perfect.

Just performed first stim injection....eek! A little sting-y but so far so good.

Go PeaOp!!!!

Got an email today to say DH's sample has made it to Athens - phew!

Hi ladies, had et bank hol monday. To test this weekend would be too soon right? Think I've got to do something; going out of my mind! Interesting point robber about having lost yourself- I've felt like that for a while. Its as if this whole process is a good place to dump every feeling of discontent and tell myself that if i just got pregnant, all would be well in my life. Which of course is a good thing to tell myself as long as I don't get pregnant. I've always needed a project/distraction and this is certainly that...all these worries, tests,scans, dates etc I've kind of enjoyed it! I don't feel so peripheral now.
Fraggle- all I want to do is say in bed! Reading obscure research studies on infertility and researching various symptoms in my quest for an answer.
Lhreturns glad you responding well things sound really positive.