The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

Amazing news sara!

It's definitely possible that long protocol can and obvs is better for some women. For example, as karla says, if you have short cycles and recruit follicles early then down regging can prevent you from getting a leading follicle that runs away and gobbles up all the stims. Or if you have endo and need to calm it down before stimming

Short protocol - either short antagonist or short flare - tends to be the first option of choice for low AMH women because the risk of down regging can be that sleepy ovaries may not bounce back from being suppressed. Long protocol tends to need slightly higher doses of stims to rev up ovaries that have been put to sleep, even in women with normal ovarian reserve - so it can be perceived as a risk for women with low AMH to have to work harder to jump start the ovaries

The fact you were down regging for so long and on such a woefully low dose of stims raised more flags to me tbh. I'd have thought many women with normal ovarian reserve would have had a so so response after being suppressed so long, and on a pretty modest starting dose of stims xx

glummy bit off topic but is that really true re taking up with new partner and getting a free cycle? I thought most areas have a rule that says if either partner has a child, including from previous relationship, it won't be funded?

Sara that's epic, well done!

Fourpaws just want to say your doctor sounds like a dick. Hope you're hanging in there.

Glitter shit to all

Kiwi it depends on the CCG. In Islington where I am they have no rule on either partner having a child from a previous relationship - it's only if you have a child together. This is unusual as most trusts have the criteria you describe - postcode lottery for you!

Banana's advice to Fourpaws is exactly what was explained to me by Lister. I had to pay for that though.

Hooray for sara's epic eggs!

Well done Sara!

Great news Sara, that's a fab result!

Fourpaws, I agree - your doc sounds horrible and v condescending.

potatoes good luck for your cycle!

Fantastic Sara,

Thanks guys. Having felt a failure on the TTC front for so long, just knowing fertilisation can happen feels like a big deal. Four paws one of my best friends is going through similar to you. She read through all this today and feels much more aware now. The thing I noticed about the lister report is it kept saying there was no evidence to support one approach over another. But the samples are so varied that how can we really compare? She is going private as no NHS funding where she lives. Can't believe they won't even fund one cycle. What shit.

Should be a comma after four paws...

Oops sorry I meant to say good luck to banana in my post above - although good luck to everyone, obviously!

I have resisted asking to join this thread for so long, I have lurked in the shadows since it began. My infertility is secondary, I don't feel worthy, but I have had enough of this shit now.

September marks THREE years trying to conceive a second child. Years that should have (and of course in some ways have) been the best years of my life, enjoying my amazing little boy, but they have been lived with an undercurrent of sadness I can never get back. I feel so bitter about it. I am utterly surrounded by 'complete' (hate that term with a vengeance) 'perfect' families (and of course wish I was one of them). People who just pop out babies as and when they feel the need. How do they do that?!

Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have my son, I really really do. But I am also tired of feeling guilty for feeling crap. Terrified that this doesn't have an end in sight. Infertility is a total head fuck and trying to go through the total head fuck whilst being the best mum I can be at all times is just so bloody hard. I'm broken. I could probably be taped back together with a baby shaped plaster but I don't think I can ever be totally fixed.

Someone give me a crystal ball... I think I just need an incoherent rant, this cycle has been a particularly shitty one.

Please don't tell me to fuck off... (I've felt less nervous at job interviews!)

Closephine don't fuck off. We're all broken in different ways. And I'm definitely terrified that there is no end in sight. It would be so much easier if I knew this wouldn't work.

Sara congratulations, that's a great haul!

Four there are no words. How are you feeling?

Closephine please stay. I'm secondary too but this still feels like my safe place.

Thanks Robber and Bean - glad I don't have to leave, looking forward to throwing some glittery shit

Robber - yes exactly, if someone could just say "it's never going to happen for you" then fine, I'll move on, look into other options, but it's the lingering hope that keeps coming back month after month!

FourPaws - sorry to read what you're going through - I just thought I'd mention, I have been emailing the Serum clinic back and forth as we are thinking of going there for Ivf in January. They are very quick to reply and as yet, have given us quite a few suggestions/advice without actually exchanging any money. They ask you to fill out a questionnaire with all your investigations, blood tests etc - might be worth a go for a free medical opinion at least on which protocol they would advise?

Just to give a bit of background on me - we appear to be male factor infertility (DH's count varies between 1million and 0% morphology on a bad day, to 12million and 4% morphology on a really good day). We have had 4 failed IUI's and are now looking at moving onto Ivf in January. There are no facilities for Ivf where I live so we will be travelling wherever we choose - uk is closest but money is an issue so we have been looking at Serum. I've just had a monumentally rubbish cycle - DH somehow convinced me he'd come up with the magic solution (not rocket science, store up his swimmers until ovulation day) - got my hopes up he might be onto something and then I started spotting from just 2dpo - decided it must be down to going cold turkey from the IUI drugs and progesterone but I'm just so pissed that my body is screwing up now too and of course had the pathetic lingering hope that it was somehow ridiculously early implantation bleeding going on for a ridiculously long amount of time. Of course not. AF arrived in full force today.

Hi closephine- sorry you are here but glad you found it. Such a wealth of experience and understanding. Its the hope that gets you and then comes crashing down. So sorry that bitch AF had to spoil your weekend.
Hello to fellow stabbers, lurkers and those wavering on the brink or fully in the myre.
My news so far: 14 eggs collected last week, 10 fertilised, all became embryos. Went for transfer yesterday to be told only had one left... Yes I realise I should be happy that I have a five day embryo but feel gutted that 9 out of 10 were duds. Does this mean the one decent one is probably not all that? On Friday they said I had lots of excellent ones that was day two. Then I heard nothing as they had booked me in for et on Monday. Think am a bit in shock as now feel my view of myself as unable to be fertile has been reinforced. Just feel I've come crashing down when things seemed to be going so well. Can't even recall what they said about the embryo as was in shock. Sorry for me me me post I do know I have a lot to be thankful for x

Hi Sara,

Sorry to hear you've had that shock - just to reassure you, you're not alone; in my first cycle I had 18 eggs collected, 10 fertilised but I only got 2 blastocysts in the end. I think it's common to get drop outs as you go along the incubation process (I know that's probably not particularly comforting but wanted you to know it's not just you that's been through this).

It's a bit mean that they left it to when you got there to tell you there was only one left - I imagine that might be down to it being over the bank holiday weekend, though (they may have given you a call the day before if it had been mid-week?).

I know it's hard to stay postitive but it's a fantastic result to get a 5-day embryo for transfer - it's a super wanky phrase that I don't like to use too much, but 'one is all you need' and all that. Keeping everything crossed for you - how was the transfer? x

Sara if I had your results last week I too would have been disappointed that only one made it to blast.

BUT may I just suggest that this could be THE embryo? The egg that should make you pregnant? Maybe the rest were just noise?

I dunno, but I have many friends who have had successful IVF and I never heard results like 'ten lovely embryos' like yours. They all had one, maximum two blasts - and they had success.

Of course one blast feels poor after last week, but it really is just psychology. If you had got 10 eggs last week, you would have been thrilled, yes? And if five had fertilised you would have thought 'OK, acceptable'. And if only one of those made it to blast you would have been OK with that?

I totally get your feelings, but I would say that the issue that you had ALL good news last week, so this hurts. The result is actually a success.

I'm starting my stims tonight and with my age and low AMH I am focused on getting anything to day 3 transfer stage - one would be great, two would be a dream (we will be transferring two if we get two). Last time I got 6 eggs and the Lister team were orgasming over this result versus what they expected. So I am fully aware that there is every chance I don't make it to transfer stage.

I have no idea if any of his helps, but you have one beautiful, surviving delicious embryo (a 5 day blast!!) with you now. I want one too!!

I assume that one is now happily on board with you?

Hello, I hope you don't mind me joining, I did post a while back but haven't posted since. Wishing all of you good luck and also I'm sorry to read of people's difficulties and sad news.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment as our seventh cycle just ended in a chemical pregnancy. I also had one back in May so this time suggested to the doctor that I had my immunes tested. They came back slightly elevated (well the killing power) so I also had IViG with this cycle. I thought that might be the missing piece of the puzzle and thought this time would work when I started to have some 'pregnant twinges'. I also started injecting lubion a week before the FET as my levels were a bit low last time so thought all the conditions in my body were good. My lining was good as well. I even let myself look at baby clothes which I never ever do.

But when I tested the line was very faint again and I could feel the symptoms slipping away again. I guessed it would be a chemical pregnancy at that point, which was confirmed by the blood tests. I've miscarried over the weekend and think I'm coping OK, but it was our last ever cycle, we're going to move on to adoption, but it's hard to come to terms with the idea of not carrying a bay to full term, giving birth and having a baby. That was my third pregnancy as we lost our first at 13 weeks and it feels so unfair to lose all of them and not even get to have one. I feel like I'm on a constant conveyer belt waiting and waiting and not being able to properly enjoy anything.

I don't feel quite ready to go to the adoption board fully (I am really excited about the idea of adopting but it's still hard to come to terms with not having a baby). Just wanted to write it down somewhere as not many people understand as you know, sorry to whinge. Sending you all good thoughts.

Sara I understand how you feel but it's not a bad result at all. Fingers crossed its the perfect blast. I will just be happy to even get anything fertilised this time as last time we didn't even get an embryo!

Wildflower I'm sorry to hear your cycle hasn't worked. Moving on to adoption is a massive step and I'm sure it's normal to be excited and grieving at the same time.

As for me I'm starting stims in 3 days. Got my reminder through for my smear this weekend and as I've had some random midcycle bleeding I have to get it done pre stims (which isn't until 27th sept). By some miracle the GP surgery not only answered the phone but have also squeezed me in as an extra tomorrow at 8am. First time they've been anything more efficient than a chocolate teapot!

Good luck Bean, that was lucky the surgery fitted you in. I hope your cycle goes well.

Sara I think that's actually a lot more
common than you'd imagine. I seem to have read lots of threads in different places where people have had similar. It must seem disappointing, especially after all we go through, but a good embryo is a good embryo and could be the one. In our last cycle we had three embryos in the end from ten eggs. We froze two but one didn't survive the thaw so you just never know what can happen. Wishing you a peaceful couple of weeks.

Thanks guys your messages mean a lot.wildflower- so sorry to hear all that you've been through. Its good you feel excited re adoption but of course you are hurting. As for whinging, I would define that as moaning over the trivial. You have been through massive loss so pour your heart out and never feel you need to apologise.
Good luck to everyone else I am on two week wait now eek! X

LHReturns thanks so much and you are completely right re the psychology. I really hope you get good results now you're stimming again. Everything crossed for you.
Angelica - transfer was ok bit uncomfortable I was feeling in shock to be honest! Thanks for your message.
Beanhunter - thanks for the message I am now alternating between exuberant hope and utter terror as to whether sore boobs is usual pmt or a sign ... Good luck with stims x

Hey sara well done for getting an embie on board. I think the disappointment is relative. If they'd collected one egg and you'd got to day five, you'd be doing cartwheels. And of course if any of us could get pregnant the usual way, we'd be... well we'd probably be as oblivious to our good fortune as everyone else but that's another thread. All the best with this one, let's hope he sticks.

Hello wildflower , good to see you here.

Greetings fiends

sara I can completely understand the disappointment, the drop off between day 3 and day 5 feels so stark - but echoing everyone else. I know the ‘it only takes one’ platitudes are just that…but also true. Friend had 15 eggs, ended up with 1 supposedly poor quality blast (ie low grading, which just says how pretty it is, nothing about its genetic integrity) - and one baby girl born last week. Hope the next week goes as swiftly as can be

closephine glitter shit to the good ship barren and all who sail in her - sorry you find yourself here but you’re very very welcome

PS if you find that crystal ball, next year Rodders we’ll be millionaires…

Angelica hope you’re doing OK

fourpaws thinking of you.

bean so glad you’ve got the smear in and done - when are you likely to get results back? Good luck with imminent d/r

Robber LH Potatoes and wild

Amazingly, given I was supposed to be going into hospital yesterday to have a hysteroscopy and IUD put, in to try and whip my uterus into shape, I am now actually triggering tonight, for EC on Sat. And more importantly, after two cancelled FET cycles, we are actually proceeding to have a bloody FET on Thu!!

After breaking the system (while no one could figure out what consents we needed / how to charge for a cycle where I’d be having an EC but the eggs wouldn’t be used for treatment, and doing a frozen embryo transfer) we are now sorted. The cycle is considered a FET, and EC is being considered a ‘cyst aspiration’.

Consultant said the lining is the best it’s ever looked: in addition to stimming me, a Neupogen wash, oestrogen tablets, high dose L-arginine and vitamin E, I’ve been on the most expensive viagra pessaries known to (wo)man - so it fucking well ought to have fallen into line, frankly.

Ovaries haven’t gone as mental as last time, although Dr said it was hard to see the endometrium because my ovaries were the size of large oranges and pressing down on the uterus . Quite looking forward to getting these eggs out of me. Intralipids are done - miracle mayonnaise decidedly anticlimactic. I think between injections, tablets, pessaries, IV infusions and a uterine wash, I’ve got most routes of administration sorted. Nothing like turning yourself into a human chemistry set, eh what?