The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

Ah grumpel can completely understand cautious optimism, but right now you are pregnant and that is bloody awesome. Have everything crossable crossed for you

icy I’m totally the same about sadness starvation. Appetite just vanishes - lost half a stone in 10 days after my Mum died. After the miscarriage DH had to remind me to eat: essentially ate chocolate digestives for every meal - figured as long as I was still miscarrying I could eat as much crap as I wanted / didn’t have to make myself eat proper meals. Turned out we ended up starting stims a week later so my pre IVF diet was fucking awesome!! Bloody LOVE Leibniz. And mini rolls. Mmmmm.

Periods wise, the problem is I haven’t had any. In the last 12 months, I’ve had one bleed, and that was post IVF #1 - I’ve not had any kind of flow at all, which is likely why the miscarriage happened, as I had rotten dead lining I’d not cleared out.

This time I actually grew some lining, so Dr was confident I would have a proper bleed. Apparently not - toxic uterus has gone completely on strike. I couldn’t grow lining, I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy, I couldn’t miscarry properly, and now I finally seemed to be doing something right, I can’t menstruate properly. Urgh.

Anyway, Dr is concerned enough he’s getting me in after clinic hours to scan me sooner rather than later. Bloods first thing, so results will be back for appt at 7pm. Bricking it.

Good luck to the stabbers, EC-ers, ET-ers, and general glitter shit all round! x

grumpel very best of luck to you!

banana hope they get to the root of what's going on for you!

icy I hear you on the AF situation, last month during IVF I had zilch spotting, it amazed me what a normal cycle would feel like without the intermittent bleed.
Currently day 12 and back to the brown, sludgy (😷)Discharge. I'm convinced something is going on and wonder if it's possible for the lining to shed gradually through the month since I have quite light periods. I am hoping there is some sort of test that can be done before we start the next cycle..follow up appointment is 24th June. I couldn't face it any sooner than that!

Hi all,

I'm very new to this thread. Can I join in please? In my case it's all exceedingly boring, literally nothing ever happens here!

Tentative congrats grumpel!

Hope seeing the doc provides some answers banana, what a bugger that your body is giving you the run around. Bloody typical eh.

zippy hope you're hanging in there. When is your test date? My clinic said no shagging and no orgasms something to do with the contractions. I'm pretty sure it's nigh on impossible to expel the embryo...think grain of sand in a peanut butter sandwich was what I was told by some other wise person!

Sounds much like my favourite coping mechanism icy. I can be found shoveling chocolate into my mouth in times of stress.

Sorry that AF arrived potatoes. It really doesn't get any easier does it?! I was also in the ranks of the hopeful this month. Managed to convince myself that I could be pregnant as I'd had the NK biopsy/scratch last month. Even to the point where I wasted some money on a test. Bfn of course, what was I thinking!? clearly I have learned nothing from the last 3.5 years.

Hope those stabbing and getting ready for EC are doing ok, fourpaws, zenzie, wizzi & co.

Bloody miserable and grey today, just trying to think about holiday and not much else. 12 days to go, and then only another month until my IVF follow up that I've waited 3+ months for whilst my last two frozen embryos languish in the freezer. FFS the waiting is just boring. Hoping to join those cycling/doing a FET in August/Sept and just plodding along in the meantime, and bloody bored of it.

Congrats grumpel, keeping everything crossed for you.

Banana- hope your appointment gets to the bottom of things and gives you some answers.

Tiger- I'm just plodding along too- this is the worst bit I think. You end up feeling helpless because there's nothing you can do but wait... We've had karotyping and bloods for immunes level 1 testing done, results come back in a couple of months time. Made the mistake of looking into level 2 immunes and now I'm filled with false hope that it'll just take a sprinkling of steroids and a dash of intralipids to finally do the trick...

Lots of glittery poop to all of the stabbers, 2week waiters, lurkybarrens and fellow plodders.

pinkheels did you have them done via your fc or did your GP do some of the tests? I know what you mean about the hope that steroids etc would do the trick - and I've certainly seen it work for others. When I had the NK biopsy, I met the professor involved in the study, who basically suggested that searching for a reason isn't necessarily productive, and to just keep trying. Hmm. He also referred to me as medically boring!

How is everyone else? My day has gone to shit - if it could go wrong it has! AF is round the corner and I am grumpy!

Hello all. Hope everyone's doing delightful barrenesque stuff.

Grump, that's awfully exciting! I have tentative fingers crossed for you.

Wizzi, it's your EC today? I had another scan yesterday and will be instructed to RELEASE THE HOUNDS on Wednesday night with EC on Friday. Luckily that's a work day for me so no juggling care for our small person. Under no circumstances must she know anything about this! It's been tricky.

Jealous of holiday talk around here! My last one was May 2015- my next one is October!

Zenzie great news the hounds are getting released this week, another step forward on this mindfuck of a journey

EC this morning, all went well with 16 eggs retrieved and due for day 5 transfer if they last the pace over the weekend.OH sample was ok as well as thought we may have to go down ICSI route (male factor issues) but the 90 channels of porn in the clinic seemed to do the trick for the worlds most expensive wank😂

Hope everyone else doing ok, bit zonked still after EC so haven't. managed to scroll back fully yet for updates. Piles of glittery shit all round 💩😴😴

16! Great work Wizzi. I think I'll be lucky if I get six.

Way to go wizzi fingers crossed x

Yay wizzi!! Great news

Thanks all! Fingers crossed for you zenzie ...it only takes one...

Whispering my congrats grumpel fingers tightly crossed for you!
great no. wizzi hope the sedative was ok for you. Sounds like your DH had fun!
We got 15 eggs, 10 have fertilised so hoping to do a 5dt. Just praying the go the distance!
Was glad I cleared my schedule and booked the rest of the week off work. I could get used to lazing about for most of the day
tiger sorry you're having shitty day!
The boredom of all this is torturous too.
banana silly Q, but do you have to have a natural bleed? Would BCP not clear the soil so to speak? Hope your doing ok.
zenzie don't forget to shout "release the hounds" as you plunge! GL for EC too, if you was slightly worried about it re pain, you won't feel a thing!
Hello to everyone else plodding along, waiting to test, start, lurkers and new fiends.
Think all this lazing about has worn me out, time for a nap before dinner

Great news wizzi and whispering congratulations to grumpel.

Still stabbing away here. Don't worry, you have over two weeks of me saying that yet

Ooooh some excitement! Well done eggy fiends, sounds like good hauls all round. Good luck for the nail biting telephone calls in the next few days. Fingers crossed. We'll all be hanging out for your updates! I love it when things move along.

Just had an automated email reply from a client 'I'm on maternity leave until end of July 2017'... Boff boff boff!

wow! a tentative congrats grumple
tigerdog I am loving the grain of sand in peanut butter sandwich analogy. I will add it to the other reassuring thing I found from an IVF theatre nurse - 'the only thing you could do to influence how your ET goes is not turn up!' Sorry the waiting game is dragging. I would love to open my own IVF clinic which would be so much more userfriendly and certainly wouldnt include 3 month waits ffs.
Congrats Wizziewoo and Pebbles what a haul! Hope all updates going well.
Sorry to hear about the cysts peapop that is so frustrating
Bananafish hope you have found some answers or have had a bleed
I've another week to go on the tww and boy is it dragging. I just can't believe it could possibly have worked, the odds seem so against us I have been offered a promotion which should be such an exciting thing but it means I wont be able to take time off for further IVF easily. I cant miss up this chance and the most realistic solution is to try and get two more rounds in before the new job starts and then call it quits forever. Unfortunately there are two strategically placed important weddings over the summer, that I may end up having to miss, probably for a pointless round of ivf. This whole 'unstoppable hope machine' (as I think bip called it) is such a nightmare.
Sorry for the post of misery. Reading that back I realised I do not expect this to ever work but feel I need to do it as many times as possible. Headfuck.

Hello all! There are so many newbies (or am I now the newbie?!) anyway, I've been catching up on this thread, I've mostly been lurking as I had no updates (beyond misery!).

Wishing you cautious congratulations grumpel

Good luck to those stabbing and in their tww!

Hope AF arrives banana

waves at potatoes you sound like my kind of girl! :)

We have started our second cycle this week, it's such a stark difference to the first one - it's safe to say there is no hope here, I'm definitely just going through the motions. I don't know who said it earlier, but in my head it's definitely a case of getting through this cycle to prove it doesn't work. It doesn't help that the consultant reduced our chances in the letter he sent to us. He told us after the first cycle that we had a 20-25% chance of IVF working, the letter outlining the meeting (which turned up a month later!) said 15-20% and that he doesn't believe anything Mr Meh does will improve our chances (we have MFI). But, we would have a 50% chance of it working with donor sperm.

I think I am more upset by my "best" friend who has been a massive dick recently. She hasn't asked about me/IVF stuff since it failed, hasn't had any interest in any of it and she's supposed to be my best mate! It's winding me up, on at least 5 different occasions I've told her I'm miserable/sad/meh etc and she's ignored every single one! I just don't understand, she's never been like that before and it's like she's forcing her son (we were trying around the same time - she has a 9 month old) into most of our email conversations (she lives abroad).

I was in her town on holiday recently and I heard from her twice...before I went she told me she couldn't meet at the weekend as her in laws (who live in a different state but visit pretty much twice a month) were over...they'd gone by Sunday...but she never offered to meet then. We went from meeting for dinner (can't do that as husband is out and her son "...can't watch himself haha" ) to maybe coffee or tea if I'm in her area...to just sitting on a bench near her home!

There was/is no effort on her part anymore. I have been upfront and told her that she could always ask me questions re IVF, I may just not want to answer them there and then. I think I am more annoyed that I won't do anything about it...even when we met, I felt like I was seeing an acquaintance, not my best friend. Ugh. I also have a feeling she will blame the fact that I was with my sister and cousin as to why she never invited me round or made an effort. I met up with another friend whilst away and within about 10mins she asked if I was ok and if we were trying again. Yet, fuck all from my "best" friend.

Sorry for the rant :(

Hello fiends. I'm "working from home" aka having a bit of an infertility pity party after more baby bombs from work colleagues!

tiger our immunes are being done by the fc, luckily the level ones are free on the NHS and we've begun saving for the level two- a bargain at £2600 :/

zenzie fingers crossed for EC tomorrow, hope it all goes well

wizzie that's an amazing haul! The next bit waiting for updates is so nervewracking, fx for you

banana hope AF shows up and your appointment gave you some answers

zippie it's all a headfuck! You end up paralysed from making any decisions, because you don't know what's around the corner. I've not applied for any new jobs in the last 3 years, thinking I'll miraculously be pregnant. Is there any way you can fess up to your new employers or is that not an option? Hoping time speeds up for you in the 2ww, it's the worst bit of the whole process

meh sorry to hear about your friend. She sounds extremely self-centred.
I've distanced myself from so many of my friends over the last few years because of all of the mindless platitudes and stupid stuff people come out with. It's not too much to ask that someone would Google ivf to just have a general understanding of it, or at least be there for you as a friend, especially given you've told her how rubbish you feel. I'd either send her an email telling her how she's made you feel or if you're more passive aggressive like me, ignore her till she gets the hint. And/ or post her a big package of glitter...

Hey zippy and meh (I remember you, and Mr Meh too). I am with you in not thinking it will work but getting the need to do it. We always said three rounds so I'm feeling like we need to do that just so when I'm 80 I don't think "I wish we'd done more" but equally i can't believe it will work so I could just save my cash and do a lot of shopping and going on holiday instead.

Sometimes I think it's natural to focus on whether it will fail rather than hoping it will work. It's a defensive mechanism against the pain of failure.

I also agree about distancing self from friends. I've got friends who've saying in and out of being supportive and being rubbish. I feel less guilty these days about avoiding the ones being rubbish.

I'm also struggling to fit a cycle in between now and a holiday. I have a new plan which is to do the cycle and freeze the embies (if we get that far) and transfer when we're back. Obvs transfer anyway if we don't get to five days. Does that sound ridiculous? Can't believe how much I juggle my life around this shit.

Onwards and upwards fiends.

Great Moto potatoes onwards and upwards!

Hi meh welcome back, as far as moral support goes, I would choose fiends over friends any day!

Good look for tomorrow zenzie

Mind numbingly boring update from me:
We had some feedback via telephone about the IVF cycle we had as they have had a case review. They suggest we have exactly the same treatment again next time- same drugs dose etc as I responded well under the circumstances (no egg donor mentioned thank god)
They also suggested I think about having an NK biopsy - any thoughts on this fiends?? They were happy with the lining thickness, they hope for 8mm and mine was 14mm also recommended the embryo glue and also asked how long I had been taking DHEA- I said around 6-8 weeks so they were keen for me to continue this ASAP.
We still have our appointment next week with the consultant to talk about it so I need to think of some questions to ask- but my minds empty! Feeling abit like I can't be bothered, I'm happier not thinking about it all at the moment but I think that's because I know what to expect next time. Ignorance definitely was bliss!

karla sounds like they are confident for another cycle for you. Seems like a lot of positives and everything you done during the cycle did help. At least you have a solid plan in place for next time. I hope you and DH can have some normality before you begin again.
meh You're back! I often think about the fiends that have took a break. Your friend sounds totally shit. Even if she doesn't have the words that would make you feel better, she could at least communicate that she is still there for you. This is why I haven't told anybody, I would get too enraged by their reactions. I am glad you're going to try again, I know the consultant has suggested less odds, but they don't differ too drastically or he hasn't said don't even bother. Like most people you would always wonder what if, if you guys didn't give it another try.
potatoes will you manage another go? What time scales are you looking at? It would be great if you could, then go away and bloody relax!
zippie congrats on the promotion. Sad that in normal circumstances you would be over the moon, but instead we have to think about what if I am pregnant, what if I need time off for appointments. It's a fucker to cope with all of this. Hope you're able to take the job and are celebrating it in some small way.
pink are you hiding from baby news, home is definitely the safest place for a fiend!
vix,laura are you out there? Hope all is going ok with you ladies.
Hello to all the fiends!
AFM wondering if I'll get a call tomorrow about my embies. They said I could get a call once they have been checked tomorrow on day 3, lucky I am at home.
Anyone I've missed about to test, EC, ET or start lucky dog shite to you all!

I had the NK biopsy karla. I had it done as part of a trial. It came back normal, so can't really comment on the treatment it might suggest (steroids I guess) but it is helpful to know that my womb is not hostile! Also, it functions in the same way as a scratch, so is thought to potentially increase pregnancy rates.

I know what you mean about not thinking being easier, I have been ignoring it all for a while, but am back to obsessing again now that my next appointment is getting marginally closer.

That's good that your FC does the level one immunes, pink. Mine doesn't do them. So much variation in NHS provision across the country! I also worked from home today, having a AF pity party. Nothing like evil period pains to ram home the barreness!

I would definitely say go for the promotion zippy. I was offered one about 20 months ago. I agonised for ages, then took it. Very glad I did, managed to get two IVF cycles in, and then move on to another job recently then too. I think I would have gone crazy stuck in my old job. I hope the last week doesn't drag for you - hang in there! Will you test early or hold out until the official date?

I don't think it is crazy to do that potatoes. FETs often have a higher success rate, and it seems ideal to have a relaxing holiday just before putting them back. I wanted to cycle before my wedding, then freeze the embryos but my NHS clinic wouldn't agree to it.

Good luck zenzie!

Hi meh I followed your story the first time around. It doesn't get any more fun doing it again, eh. Why is it that some friends are so shit at getting it? I have one lovely friend (who started trying at the same time as me, and whose daughter is now 2.5 years old) who does get it, but most of the others really don't. How hard is it to just say 'I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, it must be really hard' or 'I'm hear if you need to talk'??! Thank god for lovely random ladies on the internet!

So, definitely no miracle post biopsy pregnancy here, just period pains and general grumpiness. At least it is now only 4 weeks until my next appointment. Grump. It has been thundering and lightening here, I need to go and retrieve the dog from under the bed!

Hi Meh! Sorry your friend is being a dick. Any chance she is ttc again herself (maybe she thinks infertility is catching?!) Shit times have a tendancy to show you who your real friends are. I've had a whole range of responses from my friends from one who I nearly had to tell to back off (I was starting to worry she'd ask when OTD was so she could text for an update!) to someone struggling to conceive #2 wanting to chat about acupuncture (ha fucking ha) to a complete failure to mention it from my 2 closest friends. I do want to talk about infertility, but I dont want to discuss the ins and outs of cycling so I actually dont mind this although I would love to be able to have a really frank discussion about childlessness with my closest pal. She is a bit older than me, single not through choice, and I have no idea if she want kids,or can hear a biological clock ticking etc. It just feels too rude to bring up and complain about my situation as at least I have a DH to have IVF with.
Oh and every one of my friends has told me to 'Be Positive'. FFS. Cause thats what I've been doing wrong...
Pink sorry about the babybombs. I think if I end up pregnant I will probably have to fess up to new boss but thats a whole other story. As for fessing up to IVF I can't imagine that going down well (and its mortifying, Ive already had to tell one very fertile and very unsympathetic male boss!)
Potatoes I actually thought my first cycle would work, silly me. I much prefer the more realistic approach I seem to have this time! I LOVE your cycle then freeze all and take a holiday idea. That would actually be a holiday without having to worry about tcc, just what the dr ordered. And I keep hearing frozen et has better success rates
karla I'd have the biopsy if offered, seems to be the way forward
Pebbles Thanks for the congrats, not really managing to celebrate yet, maybe once its official. Good luck for tomorrow, waiting for the call is so nerve wracking!
tigerdog Sorry no ironidiff with you. Hope four weeks goes quickly.
This time I'm testing early, my clinic uses pregnyl booster shots as luteal support so I am 'testing out the trigger' (after a chemical pregnancy with a very low hcg last time - I wasn't completely convinced that it wasn't just remnants of pregnyl so I want to watch it go). Currently getting false positives. I used to have this crazy maybe slight sick guilty pleasure, I liked to wander over to the conception boards and oggle at the positive piss stick photos of people who'd been ttc

Haha zippy loving the street urchin analogy, smug fertiles.... may they fuck right off with their fucking double buggies. Hang on in there.

Meh your friend sounds like a dick. I've binned a few so called mates during this process - it's the whole radiator/drain thing and they were making me feel worse about my situ than better and goddamn I need a whole lotta radiator in my life right now.

Tiger sorry to hear about AF, look after yourself

potatoes love the freeze n flee idea, I'm pinching that one if all else fails!

karla go for the biopsy, another step forward maybe and at least your feel you're accomplishing something?
Pebbles fingers crossed for today and. Zenzie for the EC

Got the call and we have 9 embies fighting the good fight. Poss ET tomorrow or else Monday so playing the waiting game...