URGENT Help me help DS TODAY please?

[siliconcover]

Ds has a choice of Uni via Clearing.

He'd have to choose TODAY.

choice: ABERTAY(computing & cyber) or NAPIER (cyber & forensics)?

Factors to consider:

He has ASD. He is very Dyslexic. He has a heart condition. He'll need support.
He has a previous Disabled student assessment (ASD etc not heart condition)
Both Uni's say they will 'set things up asap (but it's quite late in the day)'

NAPIER Pro/cons:

Cons:

He'd have to go into Y2 Napier (entry via HNC) NOT confident about this at all.
He did a term there (before ill) & found it big, disorganised, SEN support slow
Room distant from Uni (1m is a struggle atm, no good bus), & a 'party place'. Small room on top floor (lifts available) all that is left at this stage.

Pluses: he likes Edinburgh, familiar, mix of students & clubs. A 'friend' is going.
Good canteen on site & easy food shops nearby (v nervous about feeding self)
Good Cardiac care in Edinburgh (saw a Consultant there privately already)

ABERTAY Pros/Cons:

Really good well organised course. Loads of info online. Students 'led through'
Fantastic tutor there, very accessible. Leads the clubs too. Met Ds - they liked.

Big comfy accessible room, ground floor, around corner from Uni: less walking.
Nice small city (feels less 'at home' than Ed though). Mostly Tech students.
Uni 'known for good SEN support'. Good ASD support in Dundee itself.

Minuses: further from home (2.5hrs vs 1 hr re support trips & home visits)
No Canteen - ds is really worried about feeding himself 3 times a day (& needs to eat regular & healthy re heart issues)
No current health connections (but Big City hospital around corner from Uni)

He is keen to go try. He's leaving a rotten situation here so I am keen for him too

He wants my advice. I am struggling to advise him properly due to my anxiety.
(feels SO important I'm scared to advise 'wrong')

Please help me think through what to prioritise ?

my dd has ASD and I can so relate to where you are right now.

The transition is the killer, if he can get as far as first lessons and meeting the staff, then he may be over the bump. It is the enormity of the change, and so many changes at once. So the more you can support each change the better.

Looking at your lists and thinking of dd, this was by far the best option, I couldn't understand why anyone chose Napier, because all that support and organisation for ASD will be crucial, plus good accommodation in walking distance means 'home' works too.

In doing uni visits with dd, we talked a lot to the support staff. He is eligible for DSA (money) and that includes a mentor who will meet with him as often as he needs, probably weekly. They can also increase that and gte 'life' support if needed. That would be someone to check he is eating and getting laundry done. Get that sorted as soon as you can, get him to meet his mentor as soon as you can. Make sure they all know that he need support.

I would buy a load of ready meals. Frozen pizza, chicken kiev and chips, fish fingers and beans, baked pasta dish, which all just need to go on a tray in the oven. Or find a cheap place where he can get sausage and chips or pasta for £5 and he eats there.
Write him a meal plan for the week. Use the DSA money to buy tesco meal deals for lunch.

Stay as long as you can, until he tells you to bugger off.

You are amazing, you are doing the right thing, giving him the best chance.

We met a nice support person in a park at lunchtime - she's already put him down for a Counselling/ MH support F2F assessment. Told him to finish Registration so he's set up for Mon with timetable & laptop loan, then if he's still wanting home they'll offer Deferral if he wants- he's not to worry about anything ('shout out for the amazingly nice Muriel !)

It's taken till 4.30, lots of talking about trams & other diversions, but he's in Registration now. If anything goes 'wrong' or anyone looks at him too directly he'll take off I expect. He'll need a sleep after. I'll take him for a bit of dinner later where he'll be quite angry with me I imagine (there a lot of emotion going on). I really hope I'm not pushing too hard.

Re support (& esp @steppemumpost)
YES. I will try to persuade him re support. I can also travel up Tues & Fridayss to do any laundry swop / frozen batch cooked food meantime. His Dad can pop up on Sat/Sun so they can go off to a train museum etc.
Obvs we will back off once support organised / if he starts to find things easier.
It's an enormous thing he is attempting esp with the v poor support he had post heart failure. I'm full of admiration for him.

Just wanted to say you are doing a fantastic job, especially with checking out the support. I hope the registration has gone ok for him.

I read your thread and wanted to say what a fantastic mum you are..

Your son also sounds amazing. He has been through so much, and no wonder this is stressful for him. I hope he remembers how brave and strong he has been to get this far in his life, after having a huge illness. He has a very strong, focused and determined mum to lean on too.

I hope everything works out for you both xxx

OK. He's now Registered. He's applied for a laptop loan. He's got the email re support but still to do & also needs to do his Student ID card. Waiting on timetable but it seems his 2 favourite modules run until Xmas T,W,Th (no idea of practical/tutorial times yet but in theory he could have some long weekends at home) He's gone back to his room for a rest. Dinner later: prob not fun as he's not happy with me.

Hadn't read the original post when you put it up but just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum.

You've got this; you're such a supportive and quietly proactive person for him. You're his safe space and that's hard sometimes as you get all the tough emotions piled on you. But look how much you've both achieved today. You are am amazing mum. All the mumsnetters will be sitting at dinner with you and cheering you on, holding you up if you need it a little bit. Not in reality - that would be weird - but invisibly and there in spirit!

I'm as far away from you as I can possibly be, but if I was anywhere nearby, I would be coming to find you in Annie's to buy you coffee and a cake. It's a bumpy road, but he will get there with your help.

I just want to say how well you are doing and to encourage you.

My dd throws it all back at me when she is stressed.
Then in calm momnets admits how much she needs the support and apologises that she throws it at me. So I totally get that he will be angry with you.
I try to see it like the anger is the storm of emotion/transition/stress and I am holding her hand so that we can surf that storm until it calms down about, without my hand she will sink.

He will tell you to back off as soon as he is ready and then I am sure you will happily go home to your own bed!

If he know that you will be there in a few days, it will help him to get from Monday to Thursday (or whatever) and then you can increase the gaps as he settles.

My prediction would be that once he has been to one class from each subject , he will feel much safer, and it will start to settle.

@Jeevesnotwooster@CookiesAreForSharing@steppemum thank you for your kind words. This thread is literally helping me keep helping him (I'm so damn tired). We met up after his 'pre-dinner rest'. He wasn't in the bad mood I'd expected. He'd gone into his kitchen & introduced himself to flatmates (!!!) (as you've forced me to sign up I thought I'd get it over with"). One is on his course (albeit a year ahead). Like him rural South Scotland. Like him can't drink due to medical reasons. Oh and another person likes 'Arcane' too apparently. Whoop whoop !!! He's off at Freshers tracking down free food & 'maybe some friends'. I'm off to Lidl to buy food ("not much because I'll probably be home next week as I'm too stupid for the work"). We'll see.

@Dodonuttythank you ! I'd arranged to meet him at Annie's an hour ago with his forgotten headphones. I just got a text: 'sorry, Mum, I've ended up at a Japanese restaurant with my flatmates. I'll text you later sometime'. Tea & cake for the woman in Annie's currently in the loo in big snotty floofs of very happy tears.

Ah that sounds like excellent news. Well done to you both.

This is such good news.
There is nothing like not being wanted by the child who you have been trying to get to do it themself!
Really good news, I wish I could come and have a cup of tea with you in Annies.

Now that he has met people and it was OK , that is another transition huddle jumped, and he is nearly there. Last big one will be first lectures.

Well done you for just gently pushing him along until he could do it.

That sounds so positive!! So delighted for you and DS. You'd better book out the whole of Annie's, as we're all wanting to come and have coffee and cake with you!

I had to hold back a tear for you OP when I read this update. Look at what you have supported him to do. You sound so lovely, so caring, and you have played this just right for him. Even if you or he have a wobble, look how far you have come in a week. He is going to thrive, I can feel it in my bones.

I'm aware there are still bumps to come. And I still need to arrange his NHS & MH support. But he's been So Bloody Brave. 1 year ago I was sitting by his bedside in intensive care. His Cardiologist, for last 12m simultaneously told him he's 'possibly still ill but likely mostly in his head as he's ASD' (oh yes...) Yet, here he is. And here I am too I discover. I'd ordered some soup & cake & sat down back down. The 3 suited men who'd asked to share the table began to talk about the head of the local Women's Aid 'who looks so much better since she got those fat jabs'. I'm overweight. I cringed. Then (red eyes, scruffy t shirt & all) I decided I could be brave too. I looked him in the eye & said: 'perhaps it's her job that matters'. They've changed the subject and finished their coffee as I stared at my phone. (I really hope it wasn't one of his lecturers). What a week !

Wow! Good for you! I'm sure the 3 men were slim and toned, perfectly groomed and elegantly dressed themselves...

Good for you, OP!

Well done. For the heart failure trauma EMDR is helpful, it means he doesn't have to just talk about it and is a very containing therapy. Uni counselling may offer this and/or may well be useful for helping him work through all the current challenges but I'd recommend EMDR for the specific traumatic memories.

I hope your cake tasted even sweeter after that. Well done.

And so pleased he's gone for lunch with his flatmates. Excellent news.

Seconding EMDR for trauma memories. It helped one of my YP with PTSD enormously.

@siliconcover - your son is doing really well and you are just completely fabulous. I don’t know you from Eve but I’m crying happy tears reading your updates. Well done too for giving those blokes some food for thought. You’ve so totally got this!

He's heading to a Hacking Soc meeting.
I'm on my way home (in tears on bus as I'm a bit scared re his heart health but, importantly, not in front of him. Back up with his sister on Friday so will get Cardiologist & GP sorted then).
To everyone who has read or posted:
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I don't know if I could have done it without you.

You’ve done an amazing job. Be proud.