URGENT Help me help DS TODAY please?

[siliconcover]

Ds has a choice of Uni via Clearing.

He'd have to choose TODAY.

choice: ABERTAY(computing & cyber) or NAPIER (cyber & forensics)?

Factors to consider:

He has ASD. He is very Dyslexic. He has a heart condition. He'll need support.
He has a previous Disabled student assessment (ASD etc not heart condition)
Both Uni's say they will 'set things up asap (but it's quite late in the day)'

NAPIER Pro/cons:

Cons:

He'd have to go into Y2 Napier (entry via HNC) NOT confident about this at all.
He did a term there (before ill) & found it big, disorganised, SEN support slow
Room distant from Uni (1m is a struggle atm, no good bus), & a 'party place'. Small room on top floor (lifts available) all that is left at this stage.

Pluses: he likes Edinburgh, familiar, mix of students & clubs. A 'friend' is going.
Good canteen on site & easy food shops nearby (v nervous about feeding self)
Good Cardiac care in Edinburgh (saw a Consultant there privately already)

ABERTAY Pros/Cons:

Really good well organised course. Loads of info online. Students 'led through'
Fantastic tutor there, very accessible. Leads the clubs too. Met Ds - they liked.

Big comfy accessible room, ground floor, around corner from Uni: less walking.
Nice small city (feels less 'at home' than Ed though). Mostly Tech students.
Uni 'known for good SEN support'. Good ASD support in Dundee itself.

Minuses: further from home (2.5hrs vs 1 hr re support trips & home visits)
No Canteen - ds is really worried about feeding himself 3 times a day (& needs to eat regular & healthy re heart issues)
No current health connections (but Big City hospital around corner from Uni)

He is keen to go try. He's leaving a rotten situation here so I am keen for him too

He wants my advice. I am struggling to advise him properly due to my anxiety.
(feels SO important I'm scared to advise 'wrong')

Please help me think through what to prioritise ?

I would say ABERTAY as Napier didn’t work the first time and he will be going into the second year which will more difficult and there is nothing to suggest things will be better this time.

Thank you, OP.

Yes, that would be some soup!

You’ve reminded me of my first ever homemade soup from uni days (PG in my case): lentil and spinach.

It probably would have been tasty, if not for all the sand - the spinach was from a farm stand and I had no idea how thoroughly it needed to be washed. Well do I remember the taste of all the sand I did not clean out, and not much else.

@poetryandwine re your 'sand soup' - where is the belly laugh emoji when you need it?

I vote Abertay. He will cope better there. They will cater for his needs.

He needs to learn to cope without mum swooping in as well. And he has more support there to do that than Napier.

Really consider what would be best for his mental health. My son did a BTEC in music and he found it overwhelming. He passed the course but had a breakdown shortly after. He now doesn't work because he can't cope with day to day life. I think the straight to Year 2 idea is a terrible one. It will be far too much pressure and he will be at risk of being isolated if friend groups have already formed.

I am glad to hear you have gone for Abertay. With his difficult experiences and health concerns and ND the most important thing is the support provided and the care they are willing and able to give. An accessible room also sounds very important.

Best of luck to your DS, hope he has a great time.

What stands out to me is that second choice would be best except for the lack of a canteen.

Why not proactively telephone their student admissions tutor ( or student wellbeing etc / whoever) and ask if there is anyone who could advise on this? Is there really no suitable way for their students to have meals easily?

@MrsSlocombesCat thank you. I am sorry to hear of your son's experience. I think straight into Y2 is a leap for anyone. Your Ds did well to pass & I hope his MH improves in due course x.
Iam thinking of Ds MH a lot - trying to balance with his physical health (POTS)
& of course they are somewhat intertwined for Ds. MH wise Uni would be better than staying at home (last 2 years at home since 8 wks at Napier preCovid which started all this), lonely, isolated, rural, no opportunties (poor NHS too).
It will be a big leap for him but I think staying at home is 'death by a 1,000 cuts' (sorry for horrible mental picture).

so you have done pros and cons but could you be proactive and change some of them. For e.g. teach him how to cook a routine of meals, get a food delivery that is easy to follow basic instructions - hello fresh or whatever. WHilst the second is not so convenient local food places might be inexpensive e.g. cafe's and longer term once he is familiar the support network could be alot better and the place more laid back etc.

Right, I need to chum him through Clearing now (how long till we 'know'?)

& hope that perfect room is still available ...

I'll let you all know. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all this wise input!

If you are going for Abertay and there is only one suitable room left, phone them and ask them to hold it for him as a disability provision.

Maybe if they do simple meals he can use them as a canteen.

@SimoneHere it's not via Uni it's a private Uni rooms Co. I can reserve it for 7 days for £150 (non refundable). He's just having a wee panicky momnet. Once he's got himself onto Clearing & pushed that button I'm right on it!
(he has a long history of needing a bit of a 'shove' & then he flies by himself -
he was making amazing progress before his 2 year 'boy interrupted' by Covid/HF so I'm back in Mum-shoving mode today)

I would vote Abertay.
He already met a member of staff he could interact with.
Good SEN support is invaluable.
May have ongoing negative feelings re Napier given it didn't fly first time. May not help this time, but Abertay is proper fresh start.
Room sounds better
If course content is already laid out clearly online that's a good plus (be wary of might have last min changes if needed but hopefully organised uni will let students know). But knowing what is coming should help reduce anxiety.

Finally food make a plan either before he goes or once he is there and has the lay of the land.
A box/ bag of healthy fast to prep snacks for when he forgets to make a meal. Crackers, porridge pots, snack bars dried fruit. Popcorn etc..
Then meal plan. Meals from mum, if he has the budget ready meals.fornthe first few weeks can help alleviate worry. Or pasta and sauces. I would go so far as to suggest one of the meal prep kits that get delivered but feel that might be a bit too much of being different whilst he tries to settle in.

Also tell him.not to panic if he doesn't find his people straight away. He will find his people over time. I remember feeling like a real fish out of water with my assigned flat mates in the first year. But made other connections which turned into fantastic friends.

@siliconcover I just wanted to post to say what a brilliant mum you are. It is so hard to find the right balance between support and letting them grow up, and you clearly know your DS so well that you seem to have got it just right.

I bet it has taken it out of you too though - so please make a little time for a bit of self care for you over the next couple of days x

@siliconcover I have no useful advice at all but just wanted to say what an amazing Mum you sound 😊

From your pros and cons, I would go for Abertay. Yes being more distant means that would be more difficult for you to support if everything goes wrong. BUT everything else looks far better set to prevent that from being necessary, whereas your cons list for Napier makes it seem like everything will go wrong quite regularly.

I don’t know the rules in Scotland but I know English students who had PIP (disability payment) where there were care needs eg adequate nutrition. if they need that level of support it doesn’t have to be you providing it- if they meet the criteria you may be eligible for benefits to hire in help on top DSA (which is study support not really for daily living support). Or they may be eligible via social services.

Abertay sounds the best option. Personally if you can afford it I’d reserve that room and then chivvy the clearing process with him. You can stock him up on food, he will have to accept that and have you considered a meals on wheels / Cook type of thing? There are companies that cook healthy frozen blocks of food (it’s better than I’m describing I just can’t remember the name!) and deliver on a subscription - would that work?

Agree with this:

“Frostynoman · Today 14:20

Abertay sounds the best option. Personally if you can afford it I’d reserve that room and then chivvy the clearing process with him. You can stock him up on food, he will have to accept that and have you considered a meals on wheels / Cook type of thing? There are companies that cook healthy frozen blocks of food (it’s better than I’m describing I just can’t remember the name!) and deliver on a subscription - would that work?”

I’d say abertay. I went there many years ago.

a small city is much easier to get around, feel familiar with, the student body is much closer- everyone goes to the same few places so you never feel isolated.

if it’s the same as well student housing is much more central, and they can stay in housing if it’s easier.

Abertay and help him think of meal options for feeding himself. Fresh start on a better course could help a lot with how happy he feels there

You sound like a fab mum and I agree Abertay sounds best.

When DD1 started uni I sent her off with a few home cooked meals for the freezer (loads of them had them) just be warned that they only usually get one fridge shelf and one freezer shelf. It’s best to freeze them flat in ziplock bags or freeze in Tupperware but then put the block into a bag. I’ll be doing the same for DS1 next week

You could also consider a Cook delivery if you wanted to treat him.

Albertay, most definitely. It has the support he needs. You can always video call him and coach him through cooking a simple meal for the first few weeks!

Ah it’s stressful isn’t it OP?

I’m a uni lecturer and also agree Abertay sounds better. But please, do teach him to cook. It’s not difficult and he can do it. It won’t help him to keep providing meals. I know you know this, and I know you just want to know he’s safe….but the safest thing is always to learn life skills, not to reply on mum!

Good luck to him!