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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

URGENT Help me help DS TODAY please?

194 replies

siliconcover · 03/09/2025 10:54

Ds has a choice of Uni via Clearing.

He'd have to choose TODAY.

choice: ABERTAY(computing & cyber) or NAPIER (cyber & forensics)?

Factors to consider:

He has ASD. He is very Dyslexic. He has a heart condition. He'll need support.
He has a previous Disabled student assessment (ASD etc not heart condition)
Both Uni's say they will 'set things up asap (but it's quite late in the day)'

NAPIER Pro/cons:

Cons:

He'd have to go into Y2 Napier (entry via HNC) NOT confident about this at all.
He did a term there (before ill) & found it big, disorganised, SEN support slow
Room distant from Uni (1m is a struggle atm, no good bus), & a 'party place'. Small room on top floor (lifts available) all that is left at this stage.

Pluses: he likes Edinburgh, familiar, mix of students & clubs. A 'friend' is going.
Good canteen on site & easy food shops nearby (v nervous about feeding self)
Good Cardiac care in Edinburgh (saw a Consultant there privately already)

ABERTAY Pros/Cons:

Really good well organised course. Loads of info online. Students 'led through'
Fantastic tutor there, very accessible. Leads the clubs too. Met Ds - they liked.

Big comfy accessible room, ground floor, around corner from Uni: less walking.
Nice small city (feels less 'at home' than Ed though). Mostly Tech students.
Uni 'known for good SEN support'. Good ASD support in Dundee itself.

Minuses: further from home (2.5hrs vs 1 hr re support trips & home visits)
No Canteen - ds is really worried about feeding himself 3 times a day (& needs to eat regular & healthy re heart issues)
No current health connections (but Big City hospital around corner from Uni)

He is keen to go try. He's leaving a rotten situation here so I am keen for him too

He wants my advice. I am struggling to advise him properly due to my anxiety.
(feels SO important I'm scared to advise 'wrong')

Please help me think through what to prioritise ?

OP posts:
OccasionalHope · 08/09/2025 12:20

Good luck, hope it also goes well. You’re such a good mum, he is so lucky to have you in his corner.

Original poster
siliconcover · 08/09/2025 13:03

I thought I'd do an update. Very shakey start. He's signed up for & in his room now (but not coming out much). I'm staying locally for a few days in case it helps (I think if I leave he'll be on 1st train home tbh) . We are scouting out places to eat (fab cafe called Annie's, lots of others plus a big Lidl). He's not happy & not done Registration as yet. I've encouraged him to stay for 3/4 weeks to get a feel for it (though I can't lurk for that long) Going to send him back with a box of doughnuts 'for the flat' later. Softly softly ...
(Tbf he has had a spectacularly rough time.
I think if anywhere will work it will be here but it may be all too much too fast re his ASD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, heart failure last year & POTS - it's a LOT). Fingers crossed still.

OP posts:
Wemdubz · 08/09/2025 13:10

Really hope he settles in. I remember all those years ago finding it daunting and I didn’t have any health issues to contend with. I was ready to jack it in within a couple of weeks but so glad I stuck it out; if he can get the first month in it will hopefully boost his confidence.

Randomchat · 08/09/2025 13:11

He's there. That's amazing. It sounded like maybe he wouldn't make it at all just a few days ago.

Fingers crossed he can see through the first few weeks and get settled on his course. Is it some sort of Fresher's week this week? I hated that so much and felt so much better when I had classes to go to.

GreenSweeties · 08/09/2025 13:19

Has he had a specific induction for disabled students yet? Hoping that this might make a difference. Good you are encouraging him to give it a go for 4 weeks. I think freshers week can be tough if you are already having a wobble. When do classes start?

Original poster
siliconcover · 08/09/2025 13:58

Classes start next week (but he'd need his Registration done). Just met him in Annie's for lunch. He'd obviously been crying & began again. Decided not to go go Faculty welcome 5mins later but took our sandwiches back to his room. He's curled up in bed now asleep.

OP posts:
GreenSweeties · 08/09/2025 14:59

Faculty welcome not crucial IME similarly for rest of freshers week apart from registration and maybe introductory lectures. Do you think that he'll gradually get more used to things as the week goes on. Is there a resident assistant/warden at his halls who could help out (or someone from the dept).

SimoneHere · 08/09/2025 15:45

Are you going to take him home for the weekend?

(BTW, not sure if you are resident north or south of the border, but if resident in Scotland remember the kids Young Scot cards give free coach as well as bus travel. Might make it easier if he is coming home at weekends.)

SimoneHere · 08/09/2025 15:48

SimoneHere · 08/09/2025 15:45

Are you going to take him home for the weekend?

(BTW, not sure if you are resident north or south of the border, but if resident in Scotland remember the kids Young Scot cards give free coach as well as bus travel. Might make it easier if he is coming home at weekends.)

Actually, just checked and it just says “living in Scotland” for eligibility, so it might automatically cover students in Scottish universities. It’s only travel within Scotland though, not crossing the border.

Original poster
siliconcover · 08/09/2025 16:34

He has nothing on tomorrow. Freshers Fayre Weds afternoon. Thurs is 'Professional Dev' Day' (10-4). Fri is free. Only thing needs done is Registration. But I suspect if we pop home now, or this weekend, he won't come back.
I don't think he'd speak to someone from Faculty / support services right now. I'm keeping him company, keeping him fed. Tomorrow I hope we can go out scouting for a laptop / explore the Tech shops in town.
Thanks for tip re 'ScotCard'. He & I both have free bus/coach passes, so that helps as I'm hemorrhaging money (signing for Halls may have been a mistake though I'm still hoping all will be well in time)

OP posts:
Randomchat · 08/09/2025 16:54

I can't remember, is he in a flat with other students or a room in a large hall?

Has he managed to speak to any of his flatmates or neighbours yet?

It's so hard at first xx

Original poster
siliconcover · 08/09/2025 17:01

A room in a flat of 6 sharing a kitchen. I'm sitting in his room now. He's asleep after all the upset earlier. I'll sneak out doughnuts flatmates don't spot me & we can go for dinner. I'll send him back with doughnuts.

OP posts:
EwwSprouts · 08/09/2025 17:06

You are so thoughtful and supportive. I hope he finds his social side and it works out. My DS had no such health issues and I remember him phoning in the second week and saying it is so hard. As a side note he ended up much better friends with the people in the flat below. Wishing you both more positive adjustments.

Original poster
siliconcover · 08/09/2025 17:18

Sorry, 'sneak out so flatmates don't spot me"

OP posts:
GreenSweeties · 08/09/2025 18:14

Can he register now or does he have to wait until he has a F2F with someone? Reason I ask as sometimes there are short courses to get you up to speed on uni systems etc you can access after registration. Doing these courses might help keep him busy.

SoilTiller · 08/09/2025 19:38

OP, does your DS have any 1-1 support allocated from the University disability service? In many universities there is provision to allocate someone to a student to accompany them places, helping them get to where they need to be on time. You could always doorstep disability services this week - now is not the time to be backward about coming forward. Rooting for you and your DS.

Original poster
siliconcover · 09/09/2025 10:31

Today's Plan is to complete Registration & apply Uni laptop loan, organise printer etc. Get everything ready for Monday classes.

Meantime, go food shopping & try to properly meet his flatmates (1 is a girl on his course).

Lots of tears yesterday. He just wants to go home. But also would feel that was 'failure' so feels he can't (nothing about wanting to do course / make friends I was sad to note but I think he just can't 'picture' that atm)

It's become clear that hes got some PTSD type symptoms from his heart failure last year. I'm going to ask for Counselling (6 sesh / semester( at Student Support (also have MH nurses available (10 sesh/semester) - there is a LOT of support avail (which may be good as little at home) IF he can reach out.

There is so little for him at home except quiet rest which of course is all he wants atm. But another year of that makes next Yr harder (but he already said this is his 'last try' at Uni)

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 09/09/2025 10:43

Relatively speaking that sounds like a lot of MH support for a uni to offer these days, which is great news. Can you line up an appt fairly soon?

Original poster
siliconcover · 09/09/2025 10:44

@SoilTiller- that's an excellent idea thank you. I don't know if he'd agree (he thinks his difficulties are because he's rubbish rather than ASD, also I think he'd be embarrassed as 'all the other students are managing' (not so, I've seen plenty of parents around still & plenty of ASD students looking very stressed) but I will see if he's willing/ what we can do)
He certainly doesn't want Mum around forever!

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 09/09/2025 10:47

I agree with @SoilTiller ’s idea. Other accommodations should also be available. Taking them up simply levels the playing field and gives DS a fighting chance. It is the intelligent thing to do

Original poster
siliconcover · 09/09/2025 10:49

@poetryandwineI agree & will be phrasing it that way to him. Thank you.

OP posts:
OreoCookay · 09/09/2025 10:52

I'm so sorry you're both going through this. I hope you find a way.

Randomchat · 09/09/2025 11:05

Do you know if any of his flatmates still have parents hanging around? That would be handy, you could meet them.

SoilTiller · 09/09/2025 13:48

@siliconcover you - and DS - might be surprised how many students have support like this for a whole raft of reasons. It is absolutely levelling the playing field and allowing people to fulfil their undoubted potential - which they do have, otherwise they wouldn't have a uni place.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 09/09/2025 14:59

Take the support! I had a DSA assessment for an OU course off the back of my ADHD diagnosis and they were prepared to support thousands of £s worth of stuff I didn’t actually need. But it’s what it’s there for. (and I’m a successful, self sufficient adult who finally decided to get a degree much later in life. Your son should absolutely accept the support he needs.)